


Better Now

by orphan_account



Series: Better Now [2]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Complete, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Loss of Virginity, Love Triangles, Rape/Non-con References, Romance, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-12
Updated: 2011-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 13:57:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 101,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/419663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlie got Bella the professional help she needed when Edward took off. Now Edward's back - and she's different. AU New Moon - after Volterra - and Eclipse. Mostly in-character, Edward's not villainized.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reconciliation

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU rewrite of the end of New Moon and entirety of Eclipse, so it has a lot in common with canon, and as canon a Bella!voice as I could give it without losing my ever-loving mind. I owe jkane180 and You May Call Me Goddess--Bitch Goddess a ton of thanks for their beta'ing skills. Dan Bergstein, Mark Oshiro, and Cleolinda all three deserve co-author credit for this fic. If you see a concept or quibble it holds in common with their commentary on the Twilight series, please know I got it from them.
> 
> Twilight, of course, belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

  
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**(banner by the talented & generous sarahtomas )**

_Oh Mister Sun, Sun, Mister Golden Sun_

I held my breath for as long as I could, but eventually, my lungs always won.

_Please shine down on me_

The gasped influx of air hit like a punch to the gut. Damn panic attacks.

_Oh Mister Sun, Sun, Mister Golden Sun_

Gradually, I exhaled, focusing on the rainbows drifting across the room, before I realized that anything reminiscent of Edward was probably not what I needed at the moment. The streetlight outside had an unfortunate tendency to mimic the sun's effect on a vampire's skin when it shined through the prism in the window. Slowly—moving too fast meant having to breathe more—I turned my head on my pillow until the dream catcher suspended from the headboard came into my line of sight.

_Hiding behind a tree_

When I was little, Renee's mom—my Gran—gave me a Barney tape for Christmas one year. Renee didn't really approve of television, even "educational" television, but she thought Barney was less of an offense than me constantly trying the bathroom doorknob while she showered, so I watched the purple dinosaur pretty regularly for a while. At least, until I outgrew the need to make sure Renee was still there, even when I couldn't see her.

_These little children are asking you_

Now, whenever I was angry or stressed, damned if those same little nursery songs didn't pop into my head without any reason.

Gasp.

_Please come out so we can play with you_

Over the internal children's chorus, I heard the words of the therapist Charlie'd insisted I see after my near-comatose withdrawal from the world—after Edward's departure. _"Panic attacks are a buildup of stress that you haven't dealt with, Bella. The word 'panic' is really kind of inappropriate because you're not scared or freaking out—at least, not until the symptoms overwhelm you."_

Exhale.

_Oh Mister Sun, Sun, Mister Golden Sun_

" _You just need to be sure to focus on the feelings of fear, sadness, or whatever you're trying to avoid during the attack. Tell yourself, 'this is a panic attack, and even though I'm scared, I'll be okay in a few minutes.'"_

Okay. Focus on the fear of being by myself forever. Focus on the sadness of having told the two most beautiful boys I'd ever seen that we were a bad idea. This is a panic attack. Even though I'm scared, I'll be okay in a few minutes. Or months. After I graduate. Focus on… whatever.

_Please shine down on me_

The dream catcher was only stressing me out more. I lowered my eyes to my hands, folded over my own flat belly. I'd spent so much time navel-gazing in the past few months, it seemed appropriate. This time, though, I didn't feel the gaping wounds of Edward's betrayal.

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob… He would never forgive me. I'd never see him again.

_Oh Mister Sun, Sun, Mister Golden Sun_

Gasp.

_Hiding behind a tree_

If only.

I'd barely had time to form the thought when I heard a rhythmic rattle on my window pane. I tensed, then rolled my eyes. If it had been Edward, he would already have been in the room with me. Probably just that stupid tree branch that I was going to cut off myself, first thing tomorrow, after I finished a good all-night sulk. After I finished forgetting the lack of comprehension, and utter devastation, I'd left on Edward's face after telling him to _go, get out, just leave me alone,_ before he could do it on his own again. Oh God, oh God.

Exhale.

_These little children are asking you_

This is a panic attack.

" _Did you ask him to stay, Bella? Or did you beg?"_

_I blinked at the therapist. Teresita's makeup-free eyes were uncomfortably perceptive; her pen sat idle on the file folder before her. "I… what's the difference?"_

" _One is an adult request, a respectful invitation to further discussion. The other is letting someone know you don't think you can live without him."_

" _Because I can't." I said it without thinking._

" _You are, though."_

Gasp.

C'mon, Bella, focus. Count your fingers or something.

_To please come out so we can play with you_

"Bella."

" _Bella, you're a very strong young woman. You had your first love, the love of your life, tell you he didn't feel the same way, leave you with no warning, and you've managed to keep on going. That's a blow that would send a lot of adults reeling. You're not here because your father thinks you're weak. You're here because he thinks you need some perspective from someone who's not close to your situation."_

Exhale…

And gasp again, suddenly able to breathe, suddenly able to think, because that voice wasn't mine—or my therapist's—it was Jacob's.

"Bella, will you please open the window? If you want to. I know you're mad."

I whirled out of the bed, onto my feet, and tripped over my bedding where it lay crumpled on the floor. As I went down to my knees, I saw Jacob wince from his perch—toes barely clinging to the sill, one hand gripping the frame, the other arm stretched overhead, fist clenched around the tree branch I was never going to mess with, ever.

I managed to kick my feet free—losing my Crocs with the coverlet—and stumbled over, shoving the lock out of the way and the window up so quickly I was surprised I didn't fall out, or knock Jacob down two stories. In one smooth motion he swung himself through the opening, past me, like a gymnast dismounting the rings.

As I shut the window again—I did _not_ want any other surprise visitors—well, I did, but I wasn't admitting anything—I saw him turn to face me. I looked up—and up—God, he was _so tall_ now. His shoulders deliberately straightened, his back straight, full lips pressed tight together, brows furrowed. My spiraling delight of a moment ago vanished without a trace, leaving fresh fear in its wake.

Nothing so bad as before, though. No one could hurt me as badly as Edward. Even Jacob—although, with over a century under his belt, maybe Edward just had more practice.

"Bella, I…" He stopped. "I guess you're okay." His nose wrinkled. "And you stink like bleach, so I guess the leeches had a happy family reunion. How's Mister Sparklehole, anyway? Did he take off running when he heard me? He does that a lot, ever notice?"

I shoved my hands into the back pocket of my jeans, barely able to suppress my exhalation of relief. Jacob was angry at me because he thought I'd gone crawling back to Edward after saving his life. His threatening demeanor wasn't due to me ditching him for Italy with a half-assed apology in response to his tears and pleas to the contrary.

"I don't know. Fine, I guess."

For anyone else, the words would've been too low to hear—well, any human else—but Jake wasn't quite human, either. Because I knew the feeling so well, I could hear the unwilling hope he suppressed as he asked, "What the hell does that mean? Is he dead, or is he—oh, wait."

I _hated_ when he did this sarcastic thing. It was so different from the friendly, uncomplicated boy I'd met on the beach all those months ago—but look at him. He was different all over. Why shouldn't that have changed too? Maybe he needed to get a little more complicated on his way to adulthood. God knows I had. "He's not dead. I mean, he's still…whatever, the bad guys didn't end him."

"Goody." Jacob huffed out a sigh and plopped down on my bed. "So. When's the wedding?"

Gasp.

Oh, yay, a panic attack that had nothing to do with Edward's absence, just about the possibility of a lifetime commitment to him. Or maybe it was only leftovers from a couple minutes ago. I grabbed my chest instinctively, hunching forward against the pain. Quick as a thought, Jacob was up on his feet again, pulling me against his bare chest—dear God, those _pecs_ , even the distress couldn't keep me from noticing what my cheek laid against _—_ and rubbing my back. I'd told him about the…episodes, or whatever, months ago, after the therapist had given me a name for the gaping wound in my chest that wouldn't fill, that wouldn't let me breathe deeply. And just like always, he'd asked how he could help.

"It's okay; it's okay. Don't be scared, Bells," he murmured. His breath stirred the hair near my ear. Warm. My sun. I pressed my nose to his skin and inhaled that woodsy scent like my life depended on it, and maybe it did.

Okay, now. Quick, like a band-aid. Too chicken to look into his eyes, I muttered against his chest instead. "I broke up with him."

Oh, ow ow ow, that hurt so badly to admit.

The complete hopelessness in Edward's eyes as I'd directed him back out the window through which he'd come—but then, that was after he'd _asked me how I could have believed him_ when he said he didn't love me, as if normal people didn't in fact _use words_ to communicate and believe the words from people who claimed to love them—or not—and that made me mad again. Mad enough to stand up straight and look for Jacob's reaction on his face.

He'd gone still. Usually, Jacob's mind was an open book to me because he never bothered to try to hide anything at all since the truth about the werewolf stuff had come out. Right now, though, all I could read was a complete lack of expression. Only his body, strung tense as a piano wire, gave me a clue to his mental state.

"What did you say?" he asked. It came out rough, like he'd been smoking a pack a day since his eighth birthday.

"Don't make me say it again," I whispered. Okay, I begged. The truth of it was, I just couldn't stand to hear it from my own mouth; it made it too real.

"The _hell?_ But—Bella—what _happened?_ One moment you're all, 'sorry, gotta go; I choose death,' and within 48 hours, you've dumped him? I mean, go you, but I've got fucking whiplash here."

"Jake!" I freed my arms enough to smack his chest.

He barely noticed, of course. It probably felt like a love tap to Mr. Muscles. "Bella!" he mimicked my tone exactly; the sarcasm couldn't hide his relief though.

"I just—okay, the reason I did it is personal. I don't want to tell you what he—what happened."

Those dark eyes narrowed. "Did he hurt you? Goddamn it, Bella—"

"Okay, sailor mouth, settle down there. All you guys are really bad for each other's language. No, he didn't hurt me. I mean, not physically. And even if he did, you don't get to hurt him back. I handle this my way, with my rules, because it's _my_ relationship, not yours. Got it?"

He stared at me, eyes still slits, but then finally, he jerked his head in a half-nod. "Got it."

Phew. I'd practiced that speech with Teresita—with various scenarios, although I had to admit I hadn't seen this one coming—about ten times before it'd sounded convincing. Jacob wasn't always great about respecting the boundaries I drew, but this time I wasn't going to let him get away with anything. "I don't want to talk about him again with you. At least, not now. Maybe later, but I want to decide when. So unless he's talking to you—"

"If he talks to me, I'll kill him," he interjected.

I ignored that little invitation to bunny-trail. "Then you have no reason to bring him up. Is that cool?"

"Is this a rule or something? Like, 'play nice, Jakey-boy, or no biscuit?'"

I choked out a giggle. "Kind of. Except I think I know what your idea of a biscuit is, and you won't be snacking ever."

He started back a little. A grin cracked his reserve. "Bella Swan, are you talking about having sex with me?"

I planted my hands on his chest; he let me shove him back a little more. "Shut _up_ , Jake! I'm talking about _never_ having sex with you, because you are a _boy_ and now I am totally _anti_ -boy." And anti-centenarians-in-boy-bodies. I laughed while I said it, though, and that was a mistake. It was as if that small chuckle released the pressure valve on the anxiety I'd been holding in all this time, draining it from my muscles and leaving nothing but exhaustion in its wake. Suddenly, I could barely hold my eyes open. "Go 'way, furball. I've gotta get some sleep."

"Most people let their dogs sleep with them," he said, all helpfulness.

The bed abruptly turned into something too big to ignore. I was in my room, with a boy—a real boy, not an ancient man posing as one—who knew I was technically available, and he would never have the unnatural self-control to which I'd grown accustomed. I stepped to the window and opened it. The early spring breeze brushed my face, erasing the warmth he'd radiated into my pores. "Get out, Jake. You're not my bitch."

"Sure feels like it sometimes," he murmured, but he moved to the sill, then, lightning fast, ducked and gathered me into his arms. "Jesus, Bells. I'm so damn glad you're okay. When I saw you lying down like that… I thought—I thought you'd be like you used to be, when he first—"

I hugged him back as hard as I could. "I could never be back where I was. I'd have to forget everything that happened in the past few months, and I'll never forget that."

He pulled back and cradled my face in his hands—hands that enclosed me, covering from the top of my head all the way down past my jaw. I closed my eyes like a sunbather, turning my face to the heat. _Please don't do anything stupid, Jake. Let me enjoy having my friend back for a moment._

For once, telepathy must have worked, because all he did was plant a kiss on the top of my head and leap out the window. He turned to wave goodbye at the edge of the woods, and then backed into the shadows. I could see his hands at his fly, getting ready to strip before he phased, until the darkness pulled a curtain over the show. I leaned out, pretending to myself I wanted more fresh air.

That was too flimsy an excuse to even fool me. Sighing, I retreated back into my room and pushed the window closed. Just as I reached up to pull the cord on the blinds, though, a flash of white caught my eye. I froze, staring.

Edward stood under the streetlight, halo-lit, gazing up at me and making no attempt at concealment. He must have practically flown over the instant he'd sensed Jacob leaving; otherwise my werewolf friend would surely have smelled him.

The anguish I'd inflicted on Edward was written upon his face so clearly that I caught my breath in mingled grief, regret, and—so miniscule that I could almost pretend it wasn't there—the tiniest bit of vengeful satisfaction. _That's_ _right, you bastard. Hurt like I have._

We stared at each other for what felt like hours. He maintained his pose like the statue he resembled so closely, unblinking, but I could hear the blinds rattle with the trembling of my hand and knew the rest of me probably was too. I leaned against the pane to steady myself, my breath forming a circle on the glass. Every cell in my body cringed away from the sight before me, fearful of more pain; yet, my broken, stupid heart flailed toward him, as suicidal as its owner had been in his absence.

At last, the sculptured lips moved.

_Bella_ , he said.

I jerked back, away from my addiction, and the motion loosed the blinds' cord-clasp. The beige slats descended, cutting off my view of the street. My chest tightened.

Gasp.


	2. Transfer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Standard disclaimer: The characters and world are Stephenie Meyers' creation; everything else is mine.
> 
> Thanks to jkane180 for beta'ing this chapter!

I pulled into the high school parking lot early the next morning, still so tired I was sick with it. I couldn't stand to stay home, though. Charlie had been able to stick with his baffled, furious silent treatment way better than I would have expected. My dad usually tried hard, for a taciturn man, to maintain communication with his teenage girl-child, but even he couldn't change the direction of a one-way street. My escapade had left him speechless. Well, with the exception of a brief, "You're grounded until you die," which was, on the other hand,  _exactly_  what I'd expected. I hadn't bothered to remind him of my age, which technically allowed me to leave whenever I chose. It wasn't like I had anywhere else to go.

My cell phone rang, making me jump—Charlie had forgotten to confiscate it, another measure of his distress. I frowned when I saw the area code and hit accept. "Mom?"

"Hey baby, how's my favorite girl?" I could hear Renee's smile in her voice.

"Dad didn't tell you?" I cringed back against the seat. This would be fun.

"Didn't tell me what, Bella? I lost my cell a couple days ago, or somebody stole it. I was calling to give you my new number—we thought it'd be better to change it."

"Right. Um. I kind of… had an emergency? And I had to go?"

"Where, baby?"

I closed my eyes and slowly leaned down until my head rested against the cold steering wheel. "Italy. I had to go to this place called—"

"Oh my God! You went to  _Italy_? For an emergency? Can your friend have another emergency and need me instead? I mean, I assume it was a friend and not a sudden urgency for opera or pasta or a gondola—or Catholicism-"

I chuffed a laugh out without opening my eyes. "Yeah, no, that isn't going to happen. Edward—" the name no longer opened the gaping hole in my chest, but it set up a fierce ache, "—lost his wallet and credit cards and everything, and then he broke his cell phone—he thought he was going to die—and Alice had to go there anyway, so she brought his stuff, and she brought me too. And I kind of didn't get a chance to ask Dad before I left."

Long silence.

Finally, she spoke. "Are you sure you aren't part of 'his stuff?'" She wasn't mad—Renee didn't usually bother getting mad, because she couldn't maintain the feeling long enough for it to be effective anyway. She was worried, though; that came through loud and clear.

Breathe, Bella, breathe. Oh yeah. That was only excruciating, as opposed to impossible. I was getting better at this break-up stuff. "Pretty sure. He—said something—and all of a sudden, I was so mad—and I told him that he'd better go and leave me alone. I don't think—Mom—I can't trust him to stay anymore. Not after what happened, you know?" Hot tears leaked between my lids and plopped into my lap.

"Baby, you flew all the way to Italy to see him and  _then_ broke up with him?" She sounded like she couldn't decide if she should laugh or cry. "Wasn't that a little awkward on the return trip?"

"I didn't break up with him until we got back. He came to see me after I went home."

She seemed to have opted for laughter. Disbelieving laughter. "Oh, well, that makes sense. Good for you, Bella Swan."

"Do you think…" I hesitated. I never asked my mother for advice because so little in her life had worked according to anything resembling forethought. But she did seem happy with her current husband, so maybe she'd figured some stuff out. "Do you think it was a dumb thing to do?" I sniffled back the snot that was threatening to overrun my face.

A big sigh. "I don't know, baby. Only you can figure that one out, and it'll probably be a while before you do. How do you feel today?"

"Like crap." I could hear her waiting and filled in with therapy-speak. "I'm sad that I told him goodbye. I'm mad that he didn't try harder. I'm scared that he isn't going to let it go and that I'll have to keep on talking to him when it hurts to hear his voice. I'm happy…" I stopped, listening to myself. I was  _happy._  Okay, one big ball of misery with a tiny thread of happiness wasn't really me being happy, but at least it was there—a solitary patch of light in my oppressed heart.

"What are you happy about?"

"I'm happy… because I get to still be friends with Jake. He doesn't hate me, even though I ditched him for Italy."

I could hear her smiling again. "Jake's a good man."

Snort. "A good  _boy_ , Mom; he's two years younger than me."

"That doesn't matter," she replied airily. "I've got more than that on Phil. It's all about life experience, Bella, and outlook, not years."

"Now you sound like him."

"I bet. Okay, baby, gotta let you go. I need to get back to work. Love you!"

"Love you," I replied, but she'd already hung up.

English was boring—normally it was a favorite but today we were reading a Hemingway short story where everybody talked about absinthe all the time. The only thing I knew about absinthe was that it was illegal. I tried hard to focus, staring at the big purple book before me until the words swam together, but instead of Papa's short, simplistic prose, all I heard was Teresita's voice.

" _Tell me about Jacob."_

_I shifted my legs, folding them in front of me on the loveseat. "He's my friend. My best friend."_

" _Does he go to your school?"_

" _No, he's Quileute. He goes to school on the reservation in La Push."_

_For some reason, that started the note-taking, but she kept talking. "What's he like?"_

" _He's a sophomore. He's really nice. He's always looking out for me."_

_"How does he look out for you?"_

_"You know." I shrugged, uncomfortable. "He wants to feed me all the time. When I'm sad, he tries to make me laugh. He notices...what I like, or what I don't like. I think he got used to taking care of Billy—his dad—he's in a wheelchair, so Jake does the same thing with me. We study together. He's really good with machines. He fixed my motorcycles for almost nothing, except that he wanted to hang out with me while he did it. That was his price." Well, that and the second motorcycle._

_Her lips pressed together, but she didn't ask about the bikes, the wounds from which had been the catalyst for Charlie finally listening to Renee and getting me into this office. "What do you like about him?"_

" _He's always so happy to see me. Like he was waiting for me the whole time I was gone. He's usually pretty happy, anyway. Or he was. Lately he's been kind of moody. Not bad, or anything, though." Teresita looked at me like that wasn't enough, so I searched my mind for something else to say. "He's hot."_

_Her eyebrows lifted. "That's the first time I've heard you talk about anyone's appearance, especially a boy. What does he look like?"_

_That made me smile. "I didn't mean_ that. _I mean, really warm. I'm always cold, and it's nice to be around someone who doesn't even need to wear a coat in the wintertime."_

_She nodded. "I see. So, what_ does  _he look like? Have you noticed?"_

_I frowned. Of course I'd_ noticed.  _"He's tall. He's Native American, of course, so he has brown skin, dark hair and eyes. The hair's shorter now than it used to be. He's really built; like, Superman strong." I couldn't bring myself to confess what I thought of his face, so I couched it in more general terms. "A lot of girls think he's sort of beautiful."_

A stir, at the front of the room, as the door opened. I glanced up and bit my lower lip to hide my shock. There was Edward, strolling into the room and handing a pink transfer slip to Mr. Berty as if this were an everyday occurrence. He didn't look at me; I couldn't decide if that was good or not. The teacher signed the paper, and then handed it back with, "Welcome back, Mister Cullen. Please take a seat."

Edward scanned the desks as if trying to choose, but we both knew there was no choice. Within seconds, I was breathing through my mouth as unobtrusively as possible, trying to avoid catching the intoxicating scent that screamed  _vampire in the room,_  because Edward Cullen was sitting beside me. Just like he'd never left.

Class was agony. I had my things packed in my bag so long before the bell that Mr. Berty gave me a disapproving look, but he didn't say anything. When at last the signal of my freedom rang, I ducked between my chattering classmates, slipping out the door with as much speed as possible.

It wasn't fast enough, of course. I wasn't a vampire. Suddenly, there was one next to me, though, and he looked pretty rugged. The disheveled hair stood every which way, the clothes didn't quite match—too many shades of brown—and his eyes were black as night. I knew what that meant; an unwilling thrill of fear—so quick it was gone almost before I noticed its presence—shot through my chest. I rolled my eyes at myself. Edward had never been a danger to me, no matter what he thought.

"Bella," he murmured, looking in front of us rather than at me.

"Edward," I acknowledged, hiking my shoulder strap higher. I hoped he couldn't read my expression, but there was no way he would miss my heart thudding through my chest. Maybe he'd misinterpret the reason.

"Bella, please don't walk away." One hand reached for my elbow. I shied away from the cold so violently that I banged against the lockers with my opposite shoulder. My backpack fell to the floor, spilling out all its contents, but before I could do anything other than groan "Dammit," he had shoved everything back in its place and was holding the bag out toward me with one finger.

The ease of his coordination felt like a deliberate insult. I jerked the strap away from him with both hands and slung it over my shoulder again. "What?" I barked. "If I remember right, the last time one of us begged the other one not to walk away, the one doing the leaving disappeared."

He flinched. Just like last night, that tiny glow of self-righteous satisfaction whispered,  _Good._ "Bella, we can't have this conversation here—"

I stared at him. I wanted to scream, cry, throw everything I had at that impervious face even though I knew I was relatively powerless. But he was right. Glancing around, I caught the curious gazes of several classmates. Even Lauren was standing at her locker for far too long, pretending to rummage deep in her folders for some imaginary necessity. No matter how awful I felt, I never wanted to expose the Cullens to the type of scrutiny that would force them to move. Again.

"Okay. Do you want to have it somewhere else? I'm ready."

Disapproval ghosted over his features, so quickly I would have missed it if I hadn't been so focused on his face. "Are you sure you should be missing school again so soon?"

He was just looking out for me. He wanted me to be successful, to finish well, to have normal human experiences. Well, skipping out was as normal as you could get, right? I headed to the exit without another word.

Mike called as I passed by, "Bella, where ya headed?"

I flashed him a huge smile, although anyone more perceptive than… well,  _Mike_ … would have seen the strain behind it. "I'll catch up with you later," I promised, infusing the words with as much cheer as I could. I did okay about looking for Edward's reaction until I hit the door, which gave me a pretty good reflection of his thunderous expression. I suppressed a smile, staring at the concrete in front of my shoes as I trudged out toward the parking lot and my truck.

I threw my backpack on the bench seat. When I turned, Edward stood as close as he could get without actually touching me. I closed my eyes and held my breath against the five-sense assault of his beauty. I couldn't plug my ears without being childish, though, so I had no choice but to hear him murmur, "Isabella Marie Swan, I know I let you go last night, but I came here this morning because I know now there was no safety for you in my absence."


	3. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to jkane180 for beta'ing this chapter!

**# # #**

I leaned back, squeezing my eyes shut even tighter, but this time, it was so I could absorb the sound of his voice. God, God, God. It was as if I'd gone deaf for the past seven months, without even noticing, and now the ability to hear had been returned to me along with Edward.

"Bella? Please say something." A chill drifted across my skin: Edward's face, so close it almost touched my own.

"I… know I'm not safe." I'd never be safe again, with or without him, because I'd delivered my heart into the keeping of a vampire who'd proven himself capricious. Bracing myself internally, I opened my eyes and met his gaze.

His frown changed, moved from angry to puzzled. He lifted one hand to brush my hair back, but again, I jerked away without meaning to. I couldn't stand the thought of one more touch when it might be the last. "How can you bear it?" he wondered. "To be around such barbaric, unpredictable children as the werewolves so frequently? Don't you realize the danger you court every time you're with them?" I thought of Emily's ravaged features. Something of my feelings must have shown, because he nodded. "They're vicious when provoked, Bella. And the provocation is not always something you can avoid or even predict."

I shook with misery, clutching my hoodie in a death grip. Put like that, I had no good choices left. On the one hand, the vampire who claimed to love me but left without warning, almost destroying my hold on sanity. On the other, the werewolves who'd taken me in and fostered what was left of my existence after Edward's disappearance—the werewolves who could, and did, explode into violence at a moment's notice.

What was  _wrong_ with me, that these were the types of people I attracted? Why couldn't I fall for a nice, normal  _human being_  like Ben?

Edward pressed his advantage. "I know… What I did was unforgivable. You shouldn't forgive me. But, Bella, if anything happened to you,  _I_  would never forgive myself for failing to protect you from whatever harm you met with."

I almost couldn't make sense of the words,; the rich sound of them seduced me so. I remembered the malleable ice of his lips upon mine so well, and here they were, mere inches away. My hands reached out of their own accord, smoothing down his torso, coming to rest at his waist, and pulling him closer. He whispered my name and allowed me to press my mouth to his—for one heady second, before he groaned and yanked himself backwards.

"I—I can't," he said shakily.

I stared, as cold as if he'd embraced me. Our old dilemma, and he no closer to a solution we both could agree upon. We stood, silent, neither of us willing to move or speak.

My cell phone buzzed.

Grateful for the distraction, I yanked it from my pocket to see that it was a reminder from my calendar. "Why don't you go get something to drink?" I suggested, tossing the cell into the truck and sliding in after it. "I'll be busy for the next couple hours." I slammed the door shut.

"Are you going to La Push?" he demanded,  _whoosh_ ing up to my window so fast I didn't see the movement.

I wanted to laugh. "No, Edward. I'm going to  _therapy_."

His dumbfounded expression stuck with me long after I watched him dwindle in my side-view mirror.

# # #

I left the Port Angeles office building to find rain—of course—pouring down. After all the time I'd lived in Forks, I should have had an umbrella surgically attached to my palm, but apparently, I didn't learn from experience. Ducking my head against the wet, I dashed to the truck and dove headfirst onto the seat, then almost fell out on my ass when I realized someone else had beat me to the cab.

"What the hell?" I choked out.

A girl was in my truck. She looked Quileute, but what did I know? She was gorgeous, whatever else she was; I felt the immediate stab of insecurity at being in such close proximity to a beautiful person.

Wait a minute. I knew this girl.

" _Leah?"_ I slammed the door shut and shoved my wet hair out of my face to stare at her. "Leah  _Clearwater_? Are you okay?"

She gave me a withering glare. I shrank back. Okay, stupid question. Her dad had just died. "What are you doing down here? And… why are you in my truck?"

"I wanted to see you," she replied. "Actually, I was thinking about killing you."

" _Killing_ me?" I'd only met Leah once, at Jacob's, when we'd eaten pasta, and she'd spent all night on the phone instead of talking to anyone in the house. She wrenched her body around, turning her face to the windshield, but I could still see one dark eye glaring at me from behind the long tangle of wet hair that enwrapped her features. "Why would you want to—"

I snapped my mouth shut. Even though she had her arms tightly folded around herself, I could see shudders wracking her body. She wasn't in any shape to take on a feather duster, let alone me. "Hey." I reached out one hand; she impatiently shrugged her shoulder away from my touch. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she muttered unconvincingly.

"Do you need a blanket? I've got one under the seat." Charlie had helped pull too many vehicles out of ditches in the wintertime to allow me to drive without some basic survival things in my truck. When Edward was still my constant companion, it had seemed redundant; now, though, the gear's presence reassured me.

"I'm not—" She shook from head to toe. "—cold."

Steam covered the windows already. I realized I had grown uncomfortably warm. Probably she was telling the truth. "Okay. So tell me what's wrong. Why do you want to kill me?"

She didn't answer, just sat there shaking so hard the whole truck rocked with her spasms.

I waited. At last the silence got to her, or maybe she just quit trembling enough to talk. "Why didn't you leave?" she asked. "When the leech dumped you. Why couldn't you have gone to your mom's? I know she lives down South."

"Florida," I filled in automatically, but my brain was in shock. How on earth had she found out about Edward and me? Moving on autopilot, I put the key in the ignition, cracked the windows enough to dissipate the fog, and started driving.

"Whatever.  _Why are you still here?_ " she growled.

Her antagonism tightened around my throat like a noose. I concentrated on keeping my tone even. "My life is here."

She gave a half-hearted sneer and almost hit her head against the window when another chain-reaction of shudders set in. "Yeah. Jacob. I heard how you forgot all about him the instant the tick's fake sister showed up."

The guilt burned my belly, making me pause a second before replying. "Jacob, yes, but my dad too. And school. And if you talked to Jake, you know that I'm not with—" I didn't want to risk the pain, so I avoided the name. "Anybody." Yeah, that didn't work so well on the pain avoidance front.

Leah chuffed out a breath. "I didn't talk to him. I heard him, though."

Great. She'd been eavesdropping on werewolf conversations. Why the hell hadn't Jacob been more careful about what he said and where? "Then you probably know that the Cullens aren't responsible for what's happening with you guys right now. It's another vampire, not one of them."

She rolled the eye I could see in my direction. "She's still coming after  _you._  If you weren't here, she wouldn't be either."

I could only nod at that observation. "Yeah. That's true. But I'd be dead, if I were somewhere else."

She shrugged again. Clearly my death wouldn't bother Leah Clearwater too much. "And now the flea circus is back. For you. It's only gonna get worse."

I drove on in silence. By this time, we'd passed the fork between 112 and 101, and my truck was doing its usual thing, acting as if every bolt were about to fly off at a moment's notice if I kept abusing it at 55 miles per hour. Normally, I pampered it at about 45 instead, but today, I wanted to get home as soon as possible. I hoped Leah didn't expect me to drop her at the reservation.

Wait a second. "How did you get down to Port Angeles?" I asked. "Is somebody waiting for you? You can use my phone if you want—"

Sneering was apparently her default expression. "Nobody's waiting for me."

That sounded like it had more than one meaning. I couldn't begin to guess what, though. "Did you just want to find me to let me know you blame me for the boys turning into werewolves, then? I mean, guilty as charged, I guess, but it seems like an awfully long hike just to tell someone to piss off."

She pulled her knees up to her chest, and hugged them to herself. "I'm a fast runner."

The combination of uncertainty, hatred of confrontation, and just having finished an hour of my therapist telling me a bunch of stuff I didn't want to hear made me snappish. "Look. I know it sucks for them. Jake's made that clear. But it isn't all my fault. Sam had phased before I ever got up to La Push."

Leah whirled around to face me. Her lips pulled back from her teeth, and she actually  _growled_. "Don't… you…  _mention_  him."

I stared again, barely sparing a glance here and there for the road in front of me. "Okay. I won't," I tried to soothe, instinctively using the same tone I'd implement for an angry animal. "I'm sorry, Leah."

It didn't make a difference. Leah's breath came faster and harder. Her hands shook like a palsy victim's. Waves of heat struck me; it felt like I'd just opened an oven door. Her shoulders hunched, and that's when I decided to get out of there as quick as I could. I screeched over to the side of the road and threw the truck into park, then threw myself out the door, making a dash for the pine trees a few yards away from the shoulder.

The passenger door groaned open behind me, breaking my concentration enough that I slipped on the mud and went down on all fours. "Don't you want to see?" Leah shrieked. "Don't you want to  _know_ what your bloodsucker did to me?"

I knew better than to look back. I just clambered to my feet again and doggedly headed into the woods, even though I knew that it was no contest. Leah yelled again, this time a wordless expression of sheer rage. Next thing I knew, fragments of clothing flew over my head, hitting the tree trunks all around me. My back exploded in pain as something shoved me down on the ground. I flipped over.

A huge, gray wolf snarled in my face, snapping her teeth inches away from my nose, with her paws on my shoulders. I screamed, my body flailing in an involuntary attempt to free itself. Leah planted one paw on my chest—

And she was gone.

Groaning, I struggled to my feet, casting around for a sight of the threat. What met my eyes made me lose my balance again, though. From my knees, I watched as Edward grabbed Leah's neck fur and swung up, like he was riding a horse, onto her back. Leah writhed beneath him, then threw herself down and rolled. Edward leapt off at the last moment and laid hold of her mouth, one hand on her muzzle, one on her lower jaw. He pushed the two halves in opposite directions, hissing in fury. Leah made a strangled half-yelp, half-bark noise. Her paws skidded on the forest floor, searching for a grip without success.

A russet blur floated over my head—Jacob. A gray streak followed—Embry. They landed with ground-shaking thuds next to the two combatants.

I screamed again, not knowing whose name to call first. Three against one was no odds; he would be dead within minutes—but he could do so much damage before they took him apart—and me, the only mundane in the middle of this thing, forced to watch her world fall to pieces for the second time.

Jacob grabbed Edward around the torso and shook him like a St. Bernard with a bone. He did a little flip thing with his head that sent Edward flying, taking out a few trees before he reached the ground. Edward dashed back to the three wolves so quickly my eyes couldn't follow his path.

"Edward,  _no_!" I forced myself upright.

He glanced back at me, eyes wild.

Embry paid no heed to anyone else but Leah. His wolf form was bigger than hers, but sleeker too. He paced in front of her in a zig-zag, blocking her path to me while forcing her back, again and again. Leah snapped at him. Jacob turned his back to his packmates and faced Edward, who returned his attention to his enemies. They snarled simultaneously.

I ran to place myself between the two of them, arms outstretched as wide as I could make them. "No.  _No!_ " I placed one hand on Jacob's nose. His breath whiffled against my palm, so warm it almost burned. I twisted to put my other hand on Edward's chest and shivered with the chill. "You guys, don't. Don't do this. Think of the treaty." Think of  _me._

"She was going to kill you," Edward ground out between clenched jaws.

I nodded, gulping for air. "I know. I know. But that's not the pack's fault. I don't…"

Embry finally forced Leah out of sight. I could hear the discontented snarls and snaps before a sharp yelp, and then heavy paws headed toward La Push.

I sagged with relief. Suddenly, standing up took a huge effort. "Oh, my God. I didn't even know girls could  _be_  werewolves, or I would have been way more careful. Did she just outrun you?" I asked, directing the question to the wolf under my hand.

"She didn't phase until she was halfway here from Forks," Edward said tersely. "She hitched a ride to Lake Crescent. Charlie told her you were in Port Angeles when she called."

Jacob curled his upper lip in a growl.

"Stop, Jake," I ordered. "You guys would have gotten here too late; you know that. Edward saved me."

Edward lifted his head. His eyes, which had returned to their normal, sated, topaz color, widened as he stared at Jacob. "Of course I did," he said, answering a question I hadn't been able to hear. "Victoria's still out there; I'm not going to leave her completely unprotected."

Jacob flicked his ears back.

A humorless smile lifted the corners of Edward's mouth. "Normally, I'm sure that's true, but you had school."

"Okay," I interjected, before things could go downhill. "I'm okay. You guys are okay. Leah is… whatever. She's had a rough couple weeks, and I'm just going to pretend that this didn't happen because… It's easier." I started walking toward the road. "You can do whatever you want, but I'm going back to my truck and going back to school."

"I'll accompany you," Edward said without missing a beat.

"No, thanks," I called over my shoulder. I rubbed the hand that had touched his chest against my thigh, trying to banish the cold and the longing from my fingertips.

"At least…"

I turned around when he didn't continue, even though I really didn't want to be smacked in the face with all that beauty I'd chosen to leave behind. Edward shook his head, mouth twisted in pain. His hands clenched and unclenched spasmodically, symptoms of some internal struggle. Finally, he grabbed the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. "Will you consider allowing Jacob to be your companion?"

I laughed a little in disbelief. I knew how much that must have cost him. And he was right. Victoria was still on the loose, and it was stupid for me to pretend I was safe.

Jacob tilted his head, perked his ears in inquiry. A thin whine escaped his throat.

"Yeah." I said it unwillingly. "Jake can come."


	4. Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to jkane180 for the beta love!

**# # #**

I sat in my truck, practicing deep breathing, until Jacob emerged from the tree line wearing basketball shorts and nothing else. Once he slid in beside me, I pulled back on the road.

We sat wordless for fifteen minutes, the rattling of the truck the only sound.

"Bells," he said finally.

He should have just stayed quiet. The sound of his voice—everything that stood for stability and comfort—popped the cork on the emotion I'd been holding inside. Tears started leaking out of the corners of my eyes. I sniffled, wiping them with my sleeve and blinking hard to keep my view clear.

"Hey. Hey." Jacob scooted over on the seat. His arm wrapped around my shoulders. "It's okay. It's okay, Bells."

I tried as hard as I could to stop, but instead, a sob choked out of my throat. Jacob murmured in concern, pulling me against the length of his side.

"Do you want me to drive?" he asked.

I shook my head with as much vehemence as I could muster. "No. No. Just… just let me feel like I have control over at least  _one thing_  in my life, Jake. Even if it's just my stupid truck."

"Hey," he said, mock- insult coloring his voice. "Don't dis this truck. Show some respect for your elders."

I laughed, then sobbed again. My brain finally kicked into gear, and I could review the events of the past hour. "Okay. What the  _hell_ , Jake? Seriously, what. The.  _Hell_?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know what's going on in her head because she's so good at thinking of stuff that irritates us all to block us. None of us even knows when she first phased because  _she_  doesn't know. She's forgotten almost everything that happened when her dad died; it's one big blur. So she might've been running the fever beforehand, but because she didn't think anything of it, she doesn't remember now." He huffed out a deep breath. "It's worse for her than it is for the rest of us."

"Yeah," I replied, venomous with leftover adrenaline. "I feel  _so_ sorry for her, believe me."

He chuckled and hugged me tighter for a second. "I don't. What she did to you was stupid. I don't think she was really gonna kill you—"

"Edward said she was."

He stiffened at the mention of the name. Probably it was a shock to hear me say it so easily after months of dancing around it. It hurt, but I could still sit up, still inhale. The absence of pain was hard to believe.

Jacob had no clue about my internal wonder. His voice rasped with antagonism. "Well, he doesn't know as much as he thinks."

"No, he just knows as much as  _you_ think," I agreed. "Or Leah. So if he says she was going to kill me, I kind of believe him."

Jacob stared out the windshield and nodded. "Yeah. Me too, maybe. But she won't do that again. Sam won't let her."

I scoffed. "Sure. You know, I mentioned Sam, and that's what set her off, so I don't think she'll be doing  _anything_  he says…" Jacob grimaced, and I stopped, remembering. "Oh. Right. The Alpha thing." I thought about that for a moment. "Well, it sucks for you, but I guess it's good for me. I can really only handle one kind of mythical creature trying to kill me at a time."

He burst out laughing. "Yeah, we wouldn't want you to get out of your depth or anything."

I leaned my head against his shoulder. His scent, as earthy as the forest but twice as appealing, filled the cab. Even though I'd been soaked by the rain, I didn't feel cold at all with him so close. "How could I be out of my depth?" I asked. "I've got you for a lifeguard."

Jacob turned his head. For the barest instant, fear snatched my heart in icy fingers, but he only pressed his lips to my hair, breathing in, as if he got as much out of my fragrance as I did from his.

"Always, Bells." He moved his arm, but only enough to rub between my shoulder blades. The warmth made me want to arch my back and purr like a cat. Tension seeped from my knotted muscles, loosened by his care, and all of a sudden, all I wanted to do was sleep.

"What's up?" he asked wanted to know as I pulled over.

"Can you drive?" I asked.

"Sure." We traded places, me scooting over his lap to the passenger side.

I didn't bother buckling in—werewolf reflexes and senses would keep us safe from anything that flew at us. I curled up on my side, head on Jacob's leg, and yawned. "Would you—take me home?" I mumbled into the mesh under my cheek.

He ran his right hand over my head, then down to my back again. "Of course, honey."

I wanted to tell him not to call me that, but instead, I fell asleep.

I awoke suspended in mid-air, a panicked shriek tearing its way out of my throat. It was  _that night_  again, and the hole where my heart had been was back, and Sam was carrying me back to my father. The arms around me tightened as I screamed again.

"No, no, no, no, no—" I chanted, throwing my hands over my eyes, curling tighter into a ball.

"Jesus. Bells.  _Bella!_ "

"Don't go, don't go, don't, please don't,  _don't!_ "

"Hey, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Jacob.

I opened my eyes. In front of me: my house. Surrounding me: Jacob's arms. Completely absent: Edward.

With a shuddering gasp, I straightened enough to throw my arms around Jacob's neck. "Jake!"

He hugged me closer, still carrying me. "I'm especially not going anywhere, 'cause I don't know which one's your house key."

His deliberately light tone didn't fool me. I could feel the trembles that spread through his body, and I knew I'd just totally freaked him out. I couldn't tell if he was mad or scared, though. Maybe both. I thought about asking him to put me down, but I didn't know if my legs would hold me. He shifted my weight so that I could grab the keys from his hand. I picked out the right one and opened the door.

Once inside, Jacob set me down on my own feet, but I clung to him anyway. "Don't leave," I begged again, but this time, I said it to him. The hole in my chest had filled, repaired by my self-work and his friendship, but the scar left behind still ached like the aftermath of a punch. My stomach churned so hard that I didn't think I'd be able to make it up the stairs on my own.

He didn't answer, just picked me up again and carried me to my room. Instead of putting me down on the bed, though, he sat down with me on his lap. Fine by me; I couldn't bear to let him go anyway.

One-handed, he wrapped my covers around us both, and then cradled me against him, murmuring silly things, ridiculous words of comfort and promises I wouldn't let him keep. I wanted to cover my ears. I wanted to make him stop. I wanted to crawl inside him and be safe forever, but even Jacob couldn't protect me from my own mind. So instead, I shoved my face into the hollow between his neck and shoulder and cried until I had no more tears.

###

Ugh. Sandpaper for eyelids.

I groaned as I tried to blink the grit away. A huge hand wrapped around my face put a stop to the noise.

I peeled Jacob's fingers away, but he put them right back. Glaring up, I saw utter concentration upon his face. His nostrils flared, and he turned his head this way and that, trying for a scent.

I stuck my tongue between his fingers. He jerked them away. "What is it?" I hissed.

His eyes glittered with the remnants of daylight filtering through the blinds.  _Vampire,_ he mouthed.

Terror clamped down on my nerves, making it impossible to move or even think. Jacob set me down on the bed beside him and crept soundlessly to the window. Once he peered out, though, he gave a huff of exasperation, running his fingers through his hair.

"Jake?" I asked in confusion.

"It's the bloodsucker's sister," he told me. "I can't believe I didn't recognize the stench."

"Bella?" I heard Alice's bell-like voice downstairs. "Could you put the dog out for a moment? You know I'm allergic."

Jake's hands started trembling. He snarled at Alice, who'd appeared in my bedroom doorway. She hissed. I threw myself at Jacob and pressed my body to as much of his as I could.

"Jake.  _Jake!"_  I shouted it into his chest; I didn't dare back off enough to look up at him. The tremors wracking his body made my voice unsteady.

"Bella, what are you  _doing?_ " Alice shrieked.

I heard her terror, but couldn't spare her a glance.  _No sense of self-preservation,_  I heard Edward say, but this time, the memory made me impatient. " _Jake!"_ I tried again, leaning into him as heavily as possible. His arm clamped around my waist.

"Careful, mutt; I can't save her from you when I can't see what you're about to do to her," Alice spit behind me.

Jacob inhaled, one sharp gasp, and then stilled himself. "I wouldn't. I  _won't._ " He said it so quietly I could barely hear the words, even with my ear pressed to him. "I've gotta go."

I released him. "Use the back door; Charlie may be back any minute."

He nodded. "C'mere."

I stepped closer; he gently pulled me against him by the nape of my neck and enfolded me in his arms.

"Oh,  _nice_ ," Alice complained.

Jacob's grin brightened to full-force. "You don't like the smell? Leave her alone."

" _Bye,_ Jacob." I glared and pushed him out. Or rather, he let me push him out.

Alice turned to me as soon as we heard the door slam behind him. "Bella, what on earth are you doing?"

I gave her a deprecating look. "Alice, what did you expect? Jake is my best friend."

She rolled her eyes. "Right. Your best friend—who apparently is pretty damn comfortable in your  _bedroom_ —is a werewolf, and your boyfriend is a vampire. Do you not see—"

"Ex-boyfriend," I whispered, and hunched against the pain the declaration caused. The term seemed so trivial for what we had shared.

"Whatever. I'm not seeing a permanent break yet. There are a few ways this…  _thing_ you have could go. And I know what I saw when Edward first met you. That future's not gone."

I didn't want to consider that. I had worked too hard to move on after Edward had gone chasing his distractions—or pretending to chase them, whichever was the truth. Charlie had spent too much money on professional help with that work. "Alice, whatever you're seeing… My mind's made up. I can't ever go through that again, and since he refuses to change me, I can't wait the rest of my life for it to happen again, either, the next time I scratch my finger. Which, knowing me, will probably be in the next five minutes." I pulled an axiom from my latest session with Teresita. "People who love you don't lie to you."

"He did it for your own good, Bella." Alice stepped closer, golden eyes shining with compassion. "However misguided his actions were, his intentions were pretty noble."

Okay, how about from  _Veronica Mars_ : "The one who stays is the one who loves you." I sat on the bed. "Seen Victoria lately?"

She paused, then nodded to accept my change of subject. "No, not really. I can't get a handle on her. It's like she has no idea what she's doing next, so I can't figure it out either." She curled up on the bed next to me; I leaned my head on her cold, hard shoulder. She sniffed, then relented and put her arm around me with infinite care. "You still love me, right? Even though my brother's an idiot?"

I closed my eyes, inhaled her scent, and reveled in the comfort of her returned companionship. Beautiful Alice. I would never understand the gift of her affection when she was so much  _more_ than me, a mere human. "You can bet on it," I said. "I'll never stop being your friend."

We sighed in sync.

"Just… If you have to go again, answer my emails, okay?" I added. "Maybe even leave me a phone number?"

She snorted. "I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, Bella. We've got an angry vampire to catch so that you can be safe."

"First time I've ever been grateful to Victoria," I muttered.

We shared a look, and then we both burst into giggles. It was either that or cry, and Alice couldn't cry.


	5. Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to jkane180 for beta'ing this chapter!

**# # #**

The next week passed in a blur. I had so much make-up work to do that I stopped cooking supper, resulting in an unending stream of pizza and take-out cluttering up our counters, trash, and recycling. Oddly enough, it was when I sat down at the table with the pile of textbooks that I missed Edward the most—and Jake. Each of them had helped me with homework, although in Jake's case the "help" consisted mostly of saying cheerfully, "Well, you're screwed; wanna work on the bikes instead?" while I hunched over boring equations from Pre-Cal. Edward, of course, had just tutored me, although my mistakes made it difficult for him not to laugh.

I didn't see either of them. Jake didn't return my phone calls, but since we were still on speaking terms, I figured it was because he was too busy running patrols with the pack or doing his own school stuff. I knew Edward probably hung around, just out of sight, once we were out of school. But as long as I didn't have to directly interact with him, I could pretend I wasn't hurting with his absence—even though I knew I could undo that at any moment with a single word.

On Friday night, I lugged out my backpack and dropped it onto the kitchen table with a "bang;" teachers had been unusually vicious with the weekend homework, probably nervous about the state-mandated exit tests coming up. I surveyed the list of assignments on my phone with no enthusiasm whatsoever, but what was I going to do? Go jump off another cliff?

Teresita had been really worried about that one.

" _Bella, can you tell me why you decided to hurt yourself again?"_

_I shrugged, staring at my fingers. Fold, unfold. Fold, unfold. "I don't know. I just wanted to have some fun, I guess." I wanted to prove to myself that I hadn't forgotten Edward's voice, although the compulsion to hear it had faded over the months._

_Teresita leaned forward. "Was it fun?"_

_I reached up involuntarily and laid one hand on the spot on the back of my head where I'd been smacked by waves off the cliff face. "At first…" Until I almost drowned. Until Victoria nearly took me out. Until I woke up on that beach with Jacob looking like he was going to throw up he was so scared._

_Until I'd realized Charlie had almost lost his daughter on the same day as one of his best friends._

_Until my carelessness had nearly resulted in Edward ending his existence on purpose._

" _But not for long?" she filled in._

_I shook my head. "No. Not for long."_

My phone buzzed. I snatched it up, hoping for a message from Jacob or Alice, but instead, Eric's number popped up on the screen.

_#3% 9(_)%5, |?3/\/75 OOT, |D 4|?T /\/\% |D14(3 2/\/|73!_

Oh, for God's sake. Really, Eric?

Well, Forks was still the same small town it'd been forever, and that meant there was nothing to do on the weekends, and that meant that there'd be lots of drinking at this party. Not that I cared, because I didn't, but I did care about getting ungrounded sometime in the next century, and Chief Swan was better than the average parent at determining when teenagers had been imbibing. Especially  _his_ teenager, I suspected, although life with Edward had meant seriously clean living, so I'd never had an opportunity to find out.

That reminded me. I dug a brochure out of my back pocket; Teresita had given it to me when I'd mentioned Edward's suicide attempt—in the vaguest terms possible, of course.

 _Signs of Abuse in Dating Relationships,_ it read.

I couldn't understand why she'd given it to me. What on earth could I have told her that would have led her to think Edward was abusive? She just didn't understand. Maybe I should ask Charlie to find me a new therapist. Or… I was way better now than I'd been back when I'd started going. Maybe I could just quit.

_Gets angry when you hang around with friends or people of the opposite sex._

I frowned. Okay, that was kind of true. But it was just because he was old-school. Back in the early 1900s, a guy was supposed to protect his girl.

_Bosses you around._

"Be good, please." "Bella, you're not going anywhere."

I didn't want to think about how many times he'd told me what to do.

_Scares you with their reaction to things._

"As if you could outrun me!"

_Puts you down or hurts you but then tells you that s/he loves you._

Or, the last seven months of my life.

_Threatens to kill him/herself if you leave._

I didn't want to read any more. I crumpled the paper up into a ball and tossed it into the trash—or rather, I tossed it next to the trash, and had to get up and transfer it into the actual container because my aim was so bad. That was just five similarities—and really, the last one didn't count since he'd actively encouraged me to leave. There were like sixteen bullet points on that list. There was no way he fit every one.

I dug the paper out of the trash, read the rest of the list, and heaved a big sigh. Okay. He  _wasn't_  abusive, even by human standards.

I sat back down in front of the mountain of books, but my drive was gone.

_C'mon, Bella. It's not like you're going to have piles of Cullen money paying for college—or whatever you do after you graduate. Study._

Ugh. I flipped open my English book and hunched purposefully over the text.

"Got any plans tonight?" Charlie called from the living room, muting the game.

"Um… I'm still kind of grounded till I die, remember, Dad? So, no plans."

He got up and wandered into the doorway. "Anything going on with your friends? Not Cullens," he added hastily.

I stared at my book rather than meet his eyes. "Eric's doing something, I guess. He just texted."

"Hmm." He tilted his beer back and took a swig. "Maybe you should go."

"Trying to get rid of me already?" I teased half-heartedly. Of all the things I  _didn't_ want to do, watching my classmates get drunk and act like asses topped the list.

"No," he replied defensively. "I just… Don't want you to get all mopey again. Jake's been busy, and it'd be good for you to have better friends nearby is all. Have you ever even been to a party in Forks?"

I laughed bleakly, but when he lifted his eyebrows in inquiry, I just shook my head. The last party I'd attended in Forks had been my ill-fated birthday celebration at the Cullens'. "If you want me to get out of the house, I'll head up to La Push."

"I don't know if Jake can hang out," Charlie warned. "Billy's been using him to help get ready for the Whale Welcoming Ceremony in a couple weeks." He ambled back to the couch.

Translation: Sam had stepped up patrols. I picked up my phone and texted to Jake,  _A_ _re you there?_

I waited for a while, but my phone didn't buzz with a reply. On nights like this, I didn't just miss Edward as a person—although I did miss him, always—I missed Edward as a boyfriend. I had never been lonely while we were a couple; even my nights had been filled with his (chaste, of course) companionship. Now, left to my own devices, weekends only served to remind me of how badly I handled the social side of life.

A new text. I snatched up my phone and almost pouted in disappointment when I saw that it was Angela.

 _Going 2 Eric's?_ she wanted to know.

 _Are you?_ I asked in return.

_If u go. B wants 2 but I wanted another grl who wd b sober 2 come 2._

I avoided split-second decisions, since they typically turned out about as well as cliff-diving, but... "Hey, Dad? I think I might go with Angela; is that okay?" Maybe I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't a total loser.

"Yeah, sure." He tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but I could see his happiness. "She's a nice girl."

I grabbed my books and stuffed them into my book bag, then dashed upstairs to change. I tried on five different tops, all of them low-cut, all of them unwanted gifts from Alice, before I remembered that there was no way I'd be able to move without my arms crossed all night if I wore them. Okay, so, when in doubt, go with the confidence-inspiring lingerie under the cover-up clothes. I stripped and put on a matching, push-up lavender bra and panties set I'd bought back before Edward had made it clear he'd never look for them. The black military top and skinny jeans I put on over them were okay, but hardly sexy. Good. Exactly what I wanted. I added some camo flats, brushed my hair, swiped on some mascara and lip gloss, and called that ready.

"Bye, Dad!" I yelled over my shoulder as I walked out the door.

"Have fun," he replied.

I drove the truck to Angela's house, where she and Ben were already waiting in Ben's old, maroon Taurus. Once I hopped in the back seat, Ben pulled out.

"Hey, you look so cute!" Angela exclaimed, twisting around in her seat to beam at me.

"You do too," I answered. It was true; she had decorated her hair with rhinestone clips, replaced her glasses with contacts, and lined her eyes so that they looked huge. "Actually, you look gorgeous."

"That's what I'm saying," Ben interjected. Angela rolled her eyes and smacked his arm, but she smiled too.

Eric's parents lived right on the Calawah. By the time we pulled up, cars already lined the driveway and street. People I barely recognized were outside on the lawn, talking and laughing. As I watched, one girl hopped up on a guy's back; he took off toward the front door.

"Whoa. Eric must've texted the entire school," Angela said. Her nose scrunched doubtfully.

Ben didn't seem to share her trepidation. " _Wait_ until you see his game room. Totally kick-ass, 60-inch flat screen, 240 refresh rate, with surround sound and PS3, X-Box, Wii, everything."

He parked then ran over to our side of the car to open our doors simultaneously. Angela smiled and grabbed his hand as she stood. I followed them both into the house, trying to figure out what to do with my hands. Front pockets? Back pockets? Wringing them in front of me? Finally, I settled for crossing my arms. I should've opted for the low-cut top after all, considering it didn't make any difference.

"Bella! Hey!" Mike must have been waiting right at the doorway. Behind him, I saw Lauren roll her eyes and turn to Jessica, no doubt to say something bitchy about my having shown up.

I did my best to smile. "Hi, Mike."

"What do you want to drink?" he asked. "We've got domestic, imports, girlie stuff like wine coolers…"

I shrugged. "Um… Coke?"

"Sure! C'mon, follow me." He grabbed my elbow and directed me away from Ben and Angela to the kitchen, where enough alcohol to stock a nuclear fallout shelter lined up on the island. Mike bypassed the bacchanalian display and headed straight for the fridge, digging out a bottle of soda and opening it before handing it to me.

I accepted the bottle with a "thanks" and looked around under cover of taking a sip.

" _You don't seem to like many of the boys in your class."_

_I shrugged. "They're okay, I guess."_

" _Are you sure? You sounded a little irritated, especially when you talked about…" Teresita flipped through her notes for the reference. "Mike?" I couldn't hide my grimace; she laughed. "There it is! So tell me what bugs you about him."_

_I opened my mouth and closed it again. "He just… Didn't get the message that I wasn't interested."_

" _What did you do to show him you weren't interested?"_

" _I went out with Edw—you know, someone else."_

_She chuckled. "Well, that's clear enough. But then Edward left—" I flinched. "I'm sorry, Bella." She reached out to move the Kleenex closer, just in case. "And you've been unattached for a few months now. What does he do to bother you these days?"_

_I wrung my hands in my lap. "I don't know. He just—won't give up! He keeps on sitting next to me and asking me if I want to do stuff with him and the rest of the group, and he talks to me at my locker in between classes…" I trailed off, realizing how I sounded._

_Teresita looked at me, eyes full of compassionate understanding. No one else besides Carlisle Cullen had ever given me the same feeling of being absolutely exposed and absolutely safe at the same time. "So you wish he would ignore you? Maybe… pretend you weren't there?"_

" _Maybe," I whispered. "Maybe if he ignored me, he wouldn't notice when I do something stupid."_

"Where's Eric?" I asked. "I should probably say hi, considering it's his house and everything."

Mike smiled. "Probably kicking somebody's ass at Halo or something. Game room's that way. Um…" He jiggled a little on his heels. "Want me to show you?"

He looked like he'd already braced himself. Had I been that mean to him? Maybe I had. I tried to compensate a little by giving him a real smile. "Sure, thanks."

If I'd given him the key to my house, he couldn't have looked happier. We threaded our way through the crowd, shouting "hey" over the music to the people we recognized. Once we got to the right doorway, though, Mike stiffened. I thought I heard him say, "Shit," under his breath.

"What? What's the matter?" I asked just before someone stepped backwards behind me and shoved me into his back.

"Whoa, careful there." He reached around to steady me with one arm. "Nothing's the matter. I just didn't know Eric invited Cullen."

Ice washed over me from head to toe. "Wha—" I mumbled feebly, following his line of sight to the wall of windows facing the river. Outside, on the wraparound deck, stood Edward, staring directly at me, expression tortured. I could see my reflection in the glass, Mike's arm carelessly around my waist after it had looked like I threw myself at him. Edward didn't move, turned to stone by the depth of his distress.

"Wow." Even Mike couldn't miss the significance of the look Edward turned toward him then. "I—think he wishes he hadn't left for L.A."

I heard a weird gulping noise and realized it came from my own mouth. "Oh, God." I clapped my hands over my face.

"Where'd he go?" Mike asked, bewilderment coloring his voice. He dropped his arm. "I swear, he moves so fast—"

I shook my head back and forth, dropping my hands to hug myself around the chest. No matter how much I wanted Edward to go through a little of the same pain I'd experienced over the past half a year, I never wanted to inflict the sort of agony I'd read in his eyes just now. Not to mention, there was a slight possibility that I'd unintentionally endangered Mike's life.

"I'll be right back," I said with an effort. "Why don't you show Eric he's not the king of whatever that is he's playing?"

Mike chuffed a laugh. "Damn right he's not!" He vaulted over the back of the white leather couch, landing next to Eric, who handed him a controller without looking at him.

I stumbled my way back to the kitchen, looking for Angela and Ben, but I couldn't find them in the sea of people.

"Bella."

I gasped and whirled around. Edward stood beside me, a grim set to that beautiful mouth.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded. It came out a lot harsher than I meant it, propelled by defensiveness and fear.

"I might very well ask you the same question," he returned, looming over me. "Why in heaven's name would you venture out, knowing Victoria is waiting for her opportunity?"

"Alice would see if she decided, and you would probably already have me tied up in my room." I sipped out of my Coke bottle for something to do. Edward leaned over to sniff it. "What?"

"Checking for alcohol," he replied. He looked around, lip curled in an unconscious sneer.

I tried to quell my quick flash of irritation. Like Mr. Darcy, he actually  _was_ superior, in a lot of ways, to the people who surrounded him. "Satisfied?" I took a longer swig. "It wouldn't matter; I'm not driving anyway."

That didn't appease him. "Under-aged drinking is a crime, Bella."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, please. When you were my age…" The words came out without thought. He gave me a raised eyebrow, and I snapped my mouth closed. Of course, he'd never been my age; he'd been frozen in time at seventeen. "There  _was_ no legal drinking age in the early 1900s," I finished lamely.

He nodded. "Not federally, no. One of many advancements the United States accomplished over the course of the century."

I wanted to stomp my foot. "You know what? No." I reached over, grabbed a wine cooler and a bottle opener off of the island.

Quicker than sight, they appeared in Edward's hands. "No is right," he murmured. I'd rarely heard that velvet voice so adamant. "There is absolutely no way I would allow you to do such a thing."

Unfamiliar fury bloomed in my chest, chasing away the chill of his proximity. I leaned closer. "You lost the right to  _allow_  me to do anything on the night you left me alone in those woods," I hissed, too quietly for any human but me to hear. "Now give me that bottle." The carved features went bleak at my accusation, but he didn't move. " _Now,_ Edward, or do you want me to cut myself and make you go? Unless you've decided you don't want to hold back anymore."  _So cruel,_ whispered my conscience, but I ignored it. Heartache brought out the worst in me; I already knew that.

"It wouldn't make a difference to me," he whispered. "I'm no longer tempted by your blood since I thought you were dead."

I narrowed my eyes. "Care to put that theory to the test?"

It was an empty threat; I had no intention of hurting myself on purpose. Edward had no way to know that, though. Slowly enough for my eyes to follow, he handed back the bottle and the opener.

"Please don't injure yourself," he begged. "Come home with me."

"No." I shrugged, managing to open the bottle without breaking anything. "If I do hurt myself, it's not your fault this time." I lifted the bottle to my mouth and swallowed deep. I'd never drunk anything but a little red wine at Renee's birthday parties and holidays—she ascribed to the European model of alcohol training. This went down a lot easier.

By the time I lowered the wine cooler, Edward had disappeared.


	6. Drunk

I spent the rest of the night curled up in a ball next to Mike on the couch, pretending to watch him play  _Just Cause 2_. When I finally nursed my way through one bottle, he paused the game and got me another. Angela and Ben tried to get me to leave with them, but I just shook my head. I had to figure out a way to fool my dad first, and the more I drank, the fewer my ideas became. I had never done anything even remotely so irresponsible in my entire life, so I didn't exactly have a lot of practice with the whole parental deception thing.

By midnight, people had coupled off into various dark corners and rooms, and upright bodies were few and far between. Someone had brought weed, but at least they'd had the courtesy to smoke it out on the deck so I only smelled it when the door opened. Mike asked me, "Want another one?" when he saw my second wine cooler nearing its end.

"No thanks," I replied. I had to go to the bathroom, but I was scared to move. Being a skinny five foot four inch clumsy girl didn't exactly fill me with confidence about my ability to handle what I'd drunk with dignity.

"Okay," he shrugged, then, "Son of a  _bitch!_  Eric, you bastard, you are totally going down for that."

My phone buzzed in my back pocket, making me nearly jump out of my skin. I pulled it out to see Jacob's face smiling onscreen. I hit accept. "Hey, Jake!"

"What are you doing up so late?" he demanded. "I was just gonna leave a message to see if you wanted to hang tomorrow, if Charlie'd let you."

"It's Friday  _night!_ " I exclaimed. Suddenly it seemed hilarious that I, Bella Swan, dork queen, was at a real live party and drinking on a Friday night. I guffawed. It sounded goofy, even to my own ears, but I couldn't stop it. "I can't be a loser at  _home!_ "

Pause. "Aren't you grounded?"

"Nope!" I waved my hand and nearly fell off the couch. Damn. "I'm atta party. A real one! And nobody's even tried to kill me yet!"

He huffed out a breath. "Who'd you go with?"

"Oh, Angela and Ben. But they hadda go and now it's just me an' Mike. Say hi, Mike!"

"Hi," he called in the general direction of the phone.

"Holy shit, are you with Mike-the-guy-who-puked-at-the-theater Mike?"

"That's him!" I waved at Mike. He laughed at me and waved back. "He's reeeaaally nice, Jake." Mike beamed at this.

"Yeah, for a total dumbass he's great. Bella, you sound weird—oh hell. You didn't, like, drink anything, did you?"

"Jus' a little bit," I replied sulkily. "Issa party."

Longer pause. "Shit. Shit. Is Sparkleboy there?"

"He was harshing my buzz so I made him go 'way. He's good at that." I imitated Bridget Jones' creepy uncle. "Off they go—whee—oof." That time I did fall over.

"Are you okay?"

Dimly I registered the worry in his voice. "I fell off the couch. But it's okay 'cause the floor is really shiny."

He sounded like he couldn't decide whether or not to laugh. "Do you have your truck?"

"Nope! I don't know what I'm gonna do!" That made me laugh again. In my head I recognized the fact that I sounded ridiculous, but I couldn't seem to shut up.

"Okay. Here's what I want you to do. Call Charlie and tell him you want to spend the night with Angela. There's no way you can let him see you or he'll never let you out of the house again and I kind of miss you. And for Pete's sake try to talk clearly."

I frowned, getting to my feet and making my unsteady way toward where I thought the bathroom might be. With a massive effort, I managed to enunciate. "But Angela doesn't know I'm coming, and it's late."

"That's okay. I'll come get you and you can come with me back to La Push."

I staggered into the bathroom and closed the door, sitting on the toilet lid. "But if Billy sees me he'll tell Charlie."

"He won't see you. He's not home."

I lowered my head to my knees, trying to stop the spinning. "How'd that happen?"

"Fishing trip at somebody's accessible cabin, I forget whose. Like it'll be any different from home, but he was excited. He won't be back till tomorrow afternoon." In the background, I heard engine noise. "I'm already on my way. What's the address there?"

"Umm…" I frowned in concentration. "It's on Riviera Drive. You'll see all the cars when you get on the street."

"Okay, I'll be there in half an hour. Don't go anywhere or do anything, and stay around as many people as you can, okay?"

"Okay."

I used the bathroom, then called Charlie. I guess I pulled off fake-sobriety all right, or maybe he was so used to me doing everything right (besides sudden trips to Italy) that he never considered the possibility of me lying to him. Either way, he sounded fine when I hung up the phone; even if he ordered a drive-by on Angela's house they'd find my truck parked out on the street, right where it was supposed to be.

I worked my way back to the kitchen and sat on one of the barstools at the island, holding onto the edge until it dug into my palms while the room spun around me.

"Bella? Do you want me to take you home?"

Mike. I raised my head as carefully as I could to see him looking hopefully at me. I had no doubt that if I got in a car with Mike, we'd take the longest route possible and end up parked somewhere inconspicuous if he could manage it.

Time to let him down easy. "Thanks, Mike, but my friend Jake is coming to get me."

He nodded, too quickly. "Oh yeah. The Indian guy, looks like a baller."

I wanted to argue—that was way too simplistic a way to describe Jake—and  _baller?_ —but I was afraid if I talked any more I'd make a total idiot of myself, so I just nodded. My brain sloshed around in my head with the movement, and I froze. Mike didn't seem to notice; he just ambled back to the game room, where I could hear Eric yell, "Mother _fucker_ ," just as Mike disappeared from view.

I sat as still as possible for what seemed like forever, starting to feel a little more with it as the minutes passed, until at last I heard Jake's voice behind me. "Bells?"

I spun around in my seat and promptly fell in a heap at his feet. "Hey, Jake!" I chirped, holding up my arms.

He laughed a little and helped me to my feet. I clung to his side, swaying. "You okay to walk?" he asked.

"You're wearing a shirt," I observed, rubbing my cheek against the soft green fabric.

"I still own a couple. C'mon, car's this way."

Once we were in the Rabbit, I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes. "Thanks for coming to get me."

"No problem." Jake reached over with his right hand to push my hair back out of my face. "Are you okay? You're not going to throw up, are you?"

"No, I'm not sick, just dizzy." I sat still while he pulled the seatbelt down and buckled it over my torso. Once he pulled out, I leaned until my head rested against his shoulder, even though his arm jarred me every time he shifted gears. When we got onto La Push Road, he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me against him.

"So what happened?" he asked. "You aren't usually the party girl, right?"

I shook my head no. "I just wanted to get out of the house. I tried you first but you were out with the pack, I guess." When I closed my eyes, the spinning wasn't so bad. Kind of like being on a merry-go-round, but not bad.

"So why are you drunk?"

"I didn't mean to be drunk. It was an accident." I turned my nose into his chest. I didn't mean to say anything, either, but my mind-to-mouth-filter had disappeared. "God, you smell _so good_. Every time I'm with you I just want to, like, bottle the scent so I can keep it around."

He tensed. "Well, you can keep me around instead."

"What's wrong?" I pulled back to look at his face. A little line had appeared between his eyebrows.

"Do you know what you're saying? I mean, how drunk are you?"

I thought about it. "I only had two wine coolers. That's not a lot, is it?"

He laughed humorlessly. "Not for somebody who's used to drinking, maybe. For you, yeah. I think that's a lot. I mean, you don't even take cough medicine unless you're dying of pneumonia."

"C'mon, Jake." I pushed him a little. "Don't act like you've never done it."

"I don't drink, Bells."

I scrunched up my face in confusion. Somehow I had always pictured Jake as a popular kid who did what the pretty people do when I wasn't around to be mature. "For real?"

"It's kind of a bad idea. Although with the werewolf thing going on it doesn't leave me with much party time anyway." He gave me a quick look before returning his attention to the road. "So what happened? Why'd you decide to drink tonight?"

I set my jaw against the sudden threat of tears. God, being drunk sucked if it meant I wouldn't be able to cling to my prized self-control. When I was sure my voice would come out evenly, I replied, "Edward was there. I don't want to talk about it."

I could tell he wanted to push it. After a few minutes, though, he sighed. "Fine. Come back here."

I settled back in the crook of Jacob's arm and stayed there for the rest of the drive. He pulled around the back of his cottage and helped me pick my way into the house, not without a couple of near-falls on my part. It was raining again, so we both were damp by the time we got through the door.

Once we were inside, I collapsed on the couch face-down. "Oh God. That's better," I groaned.

Jacob helped me get my shoes off. "Hold on. I'll get a blanket."

I reached out with one hand and snagged his shorts leg. "No, wait. Sit down. I don't want to go to sleep yet."

He hesitated, then sat on the floor next to me. "Want to watch TV?"

"Sure." I rolled over and looked out of the corner of my eye while he flipped channels. "Oh! Oh! Wait! Go back two." He complied, then groaned while I clapped my hands. "Yay!  _Pride and Prejudice_!"

"That's it. I'm going to bed." He half-rose, but I pulled him back down by the shirt collar. "Oof. And that's the last time I wear a shirt around you."

"Good," I muttered.

"What?"

"Just—watch the movie. It'll help you understand girls, or something."

Onscreen, Lizzie Bennett whispered in church with Colonel Fitzwilliam about her sister's disrupted love affair with Mr. Bingley. Distraught by the news of Mr. Darcy's interference in Jane's affairs, she dashed out onto the English countryside in a rainstorm. Mr. Darcy found her there, soaking wet. He proposed. She turned him down and they fought, ending up so close that their mouths practically touched. Proper English reserve won out, though, and he retreated.

Jacob keeled over slowly onto the floor. "What the hell  _is_ this shit? Talk talk talk, dude's an asshole about her family, almost kiss but not really, run away? Is that supposed to be sexy?"

I smacked the back of his head. "No, it's supposed to be  _romantic_." Then the sense of what he'd just said sank in, and I gasped.

"What?" He twisted around, then sat up. "What's wrong?"

I sat up slowly, mouth hanging open. Talk talk talk, almost kiss—well, okay, a few real kisses but not many, due to Edward's fears for my safety—but what was I doing with someone who doubted his ability to be safe around me? And then run away. I gulped down nausea. In my post-alcohol haze, I couldn't think straight. Edward was—but I had—

"Bells?" Jacob moved his face closer to mine. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, tiny jerks back and forth. No. "That was me and Edward," I choked out.

Jacob's brow furrowed. I could see him reviewing the events of the last few minutes and coming to some wrong conclusions as his expression turned angry.

I was so tired of having everything in the world remind me of Edward and me. So sick and tired. Even the chill in my fingers and toes reminded me of being with him.

And I was tired of something else—tired of being scared of Jacob acting on the feelings I knew he held for me.

If I hadn't still been buzzed, there would have been no way I would have done anything. But I  _was_  still buzzed, and Jacob was right there, tall and dark and hot and utterly  _other_  than the memories that still infected my every moment.

So I leaned forward, and I kissed Jacob Black.


	7. Overnight

Jacob inhaled sharply through his nose in shock as my lips brushed his. He pulled back and stared at me, searching my face for something—I had no idea what. I closed my eyes against his reaction, lifting one hand to bury in his hair and pull his mouth back to mine. My heart thudded in my throat, displaced by fear of my own recklessness and the possibility of rejection.

I shouldn't have worried. Jacob got over his surprise pretty quickly. In less than a second he turned off the TV and was up on his knees, pressing me back into the couch cushions with the force of his response.

A few sessions ago, with Teresita, we'd talked about my body.

" _Bella, when you talk about Edward and his family, there's something that strikes me."_

" _What's that?" I asked warily. Teresita's observations often hit where it hurt._

" _You seem very much in awe of their mastery of their bodies. Their grace, their strength, their… lack of appetite, even."_

_I ducked my head to hide a smile. Teresita had no idea._

" _Your own body seems to suffer in comparison. It's almost like you considered eating around them to be vulgar. As if your body, and its needs, were an embarrassment to you."_

_Okay, smile gone. "I'm a klutz, you know that," I whispered._

" _I know you perceive yourself that way. How did being around Edward make you feel about your body?"_

_I thought about that. How my body was so much slower than his, and weaker. How it tempted him to murder—even mass murder—with the smell of its blood. How I could never keep up and ended utterly dependent on him for transportation if we wanted to do anything that required speed. How it could not match his for grace, or beauty, or lack of appetite. How it was too fragile for him to act on whatever passion he felt, or to allow me to express my own desires. How it forced me to take time away from him to deal with basic human needs like the bathroom, eating, or tooth brushing—needs he didn't share._

_How it always made me look stupid, every time I did something clumsy._

" _I kind of hated it," I said softly._

Jacob's mouth moved to my jaw, tracing kisses down to my chin, then down my neck, leaving fiery imprints wherever it touched. I gasped. My head tilted of its own accord to give him better access. Waves of heat poured from his body, enveloping me in warmth and the illusion of safety, here in the one place on the planet where Edward would never be found in the shadows.

Suddenly brave, I jerked up his shirt and ran my hands over his chest and stomach, reveling in the feel of washboard abs under my fingertips as his mouth sank back into mine. His tongue ran across the seam of my lips, urging them apart. I obeyed the silent command, and our tongues pulsed against each other. I wondered if he realized he was the first person, ever, to do this with me, but if my lack of experience was obvious he gave no sign; ardent hands jerked me from the couch to straddle his waist. I was going to have bruises on my back to add to the collection from Leah's attack.

My head swam for an entirely new reason as he wove the fingers of his left hand through my hair, holding me steady against him while he licked the curve of my ear. His right hand slid down to the bottom of my shirt, caressing my belly under its hem before beginning on the lowest button and working up.

There was no way he hadn't done this before. Oddly enough, the thought made it easier for me to relax. At least one of us knew what we were doing.

I felt his breath on my chest and looked down to see my pretty lavender bra on full display. His hands cupped my breasts through the fabric and lifted them together. He buried his mouth in the cleavage, kissing the sensitive flesh over and over again. "God, you're so  _beautiful_ ," he murmured against my skin, so dark next to the ghost-white of my body, and in that minute, I believed him. I grabbed his head and held him close, whimpering. Jacob twisted and laid me down on the rug, stretching out over me and kissing me so hard, it was like he was trying to cut off in advance any sort of protest I might make.

But I didn't want him to stop. I wanted him to finish,  _now_ , while I still had enough alcohol in my veins to abdicate responsibility for what I wanted to do with him. I pulled his shirt over his head, kissing his chest and moving to his nipples. When I grazed one with my teeth, he groaned, rocking his pelvis into mine. I could feel the firm ridge of his arousal, exactly where I wanted it to be. I lifted myself against him, trying to soothe the throbbing ache between my legs.

Jacob froze above me. "Bella," he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut like the sight of me was too much. I ran my palm down between us, rested it on his dick through his shorts. He shuddered, and reached to press my hand harder against him even while he pleaded, "Don't. Don't. Not yet."

I squeezed experimentally. He snatched my hand away, grabbed the other, and held them both outstretched over my head, pinned with one of his own, while his free hand roved up and down my body. If I'd thought he was forceful before, it was nothing to his intensity now. He flipped open my bra's front clasp and kissed every inch he could reach with lips, tongue, teeth… and I totally lost it. Writhing, panting, and shoving myself up to him at any angle I could manage, which wasn't much—his hand was a vise around my wrists.

Jacob twisted the button at the waist of my jeans till it gave. He slipped his hand inside, and now it was my turn to beg, forgetting to be careful and silent, forgetting to fear doing something wrong,  _please Jake please oh God don't stop,_ lifting myself against the pressure from the heel of his hand until—

 _Ooooooh, my Gaawwwd_ —

My body was my new best friend.

I collapsed, boneless and sweaty. Jacob kissed my mouth again and again, whispering words in Quileute that I couldn't understand, resting his hand on my stomach. I registered the arousal still stringing him tight, making him shake a little as he tried so hard, I could feel it, to only kiss me without rushing me into anything else.

I wanted to see what out-of-control—in the good way—Jacob looked like.

My newfound physical power made me bold. I twisted my hands away from his grip and lowered them back where I'd had one before. This time, he made no protest, just closed his eyes and let me explore without his direction. I unzipped his shorts, shoved them out of the way along with his underwear. I watched his face as I caressed him, watched as his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, watched as he hissed a little between his teeth when I found the  _exact_ right way, there—

In the forest, a cacophony of howls split the silence of the night.

The sudden noise made me start. It had an even more dramatic effect on Jacob. He leapt to his feet, and yanked his clothes up before I fully comprehended the probable source of the din, cursing so much, so fast, that I almost couldn't understand the words.

"I have to go, Bells," he managed to say. "I'm so sorry. I'll be back as quick as I can."

He took one last look at me, sprawled mostly naked on his floor, then turned and dashed out the front door—more awkwardly than usual.

"Hurry back?" I said feebly to the emptiness he left behind.

I wasn't going to think about this. I wasn't going to think about  _anything._ I picked myself up from the rug and re-hooked my bra, then fastened up my shirt buttons. My jeans were a lost cause—Jacob had torn the button off in his eagerness to get inside them—but I pulled them up anyway. I looked around for the button for a minute, but getting on my hands and knees made me dizzy again, so I gave up. I staggered into the little bathroom, looking for toothpaste. Still  _not thinking,_  I put some on my finger and brushed my teeth and tongue before stumbling down to Jacob's bedroom and collapsing on his mattress.

Normally, the knowledge that the werewolves had likely just spotted Victoria, that she was so close, would have kept me wide awake, but tonight my eyes closed without my consent.

# # #

The morning light glowed through the bedroom window, pearlescent with rain.

I was so hot.

I didn't wonder for a second where I was or who was with me. I could never mistake the combination of temperature and scent for anyone else. I recognized the heavy weight around my waist: Jacob's arm, holding me against him. The rest of him curled behind me. His breath whispered through my hair, tickling my ear. Besides the temperature difference and the headache vaguely pounding at my skull, I'd never felt so comfortable. Weird. We slept together like we'd been doing it for years.

I ducked out from beneath his arm and tiptoed to use the bathroom, then washed my face and brushed my teeth—well, with my finger again.

After I rinsed my mouth, I looked up for the first time into the mirror. I froze at the sight of my reflection, shadowy in the dim light from the single bulb over the sink.

My lips were all red and puffy. Bruises lined the column of my neck. Slowly, I popped open the first few buttons to my shirt and laid it open. Dark purple streaks smeared across my bosom. With one finger, I traced a crescent-shaped red area on the swell of my right breast—pretty sure that was from a bite. My upraised wrist sported a shadow where it had been pinned against the other, overlaying another, older crescent scar. I twisted, lifted my shirt to inspect my back. Just as I'd expected—finger marks below the larger greenish spots left by Leah. I turned back and caught sight of another bruise, this time just beneath my ear.

My knees wobbled. I clutched the sink's edge for dear life. Not only had my body become an asset to me last night, in some ways Jacob had made it  _his_  asset, however temporarily. If my hair slipped, anyone around would be able to see the flagrant marks of his possession stamped on my skin.

Anyone around would be able to see…

Oh my God. The  _pack_. The pack  _already_  had seen…they knew everything that had occurred last night, hair slippage or not. Werewolf telepathy had already ensured my exposure. I hastily did up my buttons. In the mirror, my face turned fire-engine red. I ran some cold water and splashed my cheeks, to no avail. I would never be able to look any of those guys in the eye again, ever. They'd all seen me  _naked_. Mostly.  _Leah_ had seen.

Okay. Focus, Bella. Deep breaths. It's going to be okay. They're all in the same boat; there has to be some rule, spoken or not, that nobody makes a big deal out of extracurricular activities with significant others. Oh God. Was I Jacob's significant other now? And if I wasn't, what kind of person did that make me?

Maybe I should just go back to bed. The bed with the six-foot-seven werewolf sprawled across the mattress.

Jacob's eyes opened just as I got back.

"Hey," he whispered, a gigantic smile dawning on his still-sleepy features.

I didn't feel much like smiling until he did, but now I could feel the corners of my lips pull up. "Hey, Jake," I said softly.

"Hold on a second, I'll be right back." He stumbled to the bathroom, leaning against the wall. I wondered when he'd returned during the night; I certainly hadn't heard his entrance, and he hadn't tried to finish what we'd started. I sat down on the bed to wait, drawing my knees up to my chest and locking my arms around them.

Jacob paused in the doorway when he came back, taking in my posture, and then sharpening in a closer examination of my body. He knelt on the floor in front of me, put his palms on my knees, and slowly pushed my legs down. Under his steady gaze, the tension thickened between us until I could barely breathe.

One hand reached up to cup my jaw; he rubbed my lips with his thumb. I watched his eyes, dilated so wide they were almost black, as he ran a finger down my throat—tracing, I realized, the hickeys he'd left there.

He reached for my shirt; I reflexively closed my fingers over his, but he just gave me a look and I let my hand drop to my lap. He undid my top two buttons, brushed the marks beneath there, too. So, so gentle; his skin against mine made me shiver and close my eyes. He turned me halfway around and lifted my shirt back, no doubt inspecting the bruises there, then turned me again. I opened my eyes to see a completely unreadable expression upon that normally open face.

At last, he moved to join me on the bed, our sides brushing. We sat in silence. After a moment, I let my head fall sideways to rest against him. Jacob released a heavy sigh and lifted the arm I leaned upon, holding my head against him loosely. "So, you don't hate me?"

I jerked upright at that, freeing myself from his grip. " _Hate_ you?" I spun around to face him fully. "Why the hell would I hate you, Jake?" Oh no. Oh no. What if I'd just ruined everything? What if last night had been out of pity or something? Tears sprang to my eyes and spilled over without conscious thought. He reached as if to hug me, but stopped halfway, hands hovering indecisively as though he was afraid to touch me. I sobbed and curled up into a ball.

"Goddammit," he groaned. "Bells, tell me what I can do. Please."

I lifted my head from my knees, aware that I must look absolutely awful but not able to stop crying. "Did—did—did you not like it? Was I, like, awful at it? I know it was my first time and everything and then you had to go before we—finished—and I was drunk, I'm so sorry, I should never have done that to you, I'm so sorry Jake—"

His eyes had widened halfway through this disjointed speech, and now he shook his head frantically. "What the hell? Bells, honey, why are you apologizing? I'm the one who sucks because I was thinking with my dick and took advantage of you while you were drunk. Not to mention the fact that, holy shit, I totally fucked you up  _while_ I was taking advantage of you—you look like you went ten rounds with a heavyweight. And hell no, you weren't awful at it, did I  _act_  like someone who wasn't enjoying himself?"

That should have made me happy, but instead I only sobbed harder. This time, though, he pulled me into his arms. "Hey, it's okay," he murmured. "It's okay. I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not sorry about last night, not even a little bit. I just feel so bad that I didn't wait until you were more with it."

"You would have," I said, voice muffled by tears. "It was me who started it."

He rubbed my back, so gently I didn't even wince. "And I can't believe how bad I banged you up."

I sniffled, wiping the tears away, then shrugged. "I liked it." He laughed at that, chest shaking under my cheek. "I bruise easily anyway. Oh my God!" I sat up so fast he had to jerk back to avoid catching my head with his chin. "What happened with Victoria? Did you guys get her? Or did she jump back in the ocean?"

Jake took a deep breath. His eyes slid away from my gaze.

"Jake?" I leaned closer. "What is it?"

"It wasn't Victoria." He squared his shoulders and looked me in the eye, jaw clenched so tight I could see a muscle jumping just in front of his ear. "It was… Edward."


	8. UnPromise

I heard a loud clanging noise in my ears before my vision cleared. Jacob knelt over me, lightly tapping my cheeks, face frantic. "Bella. Bells!"  
  
I couldn't answer. I couldn't breathe. Edward was dead. He was gone. There was no way the werewolves wouldn't have torn him apart for violating the treaty. I tried to suck air into my lungs but they had vanished. I folded in on myself so quickly I fell from the bed to the floor, but I didn't feel anything. Finally, finally I got enough breath to talk, but instead of words all I heard was a crazy animal wail that seemed torn from my chest through my throat.  
  
Jacob got down next to me and gathered me up in his arms, but there was no longer any comfort for me there. He'd killed him. He'd killed my first love. No matter how justified it had been…  
  
The sense of what he was saying finally sank into my ears. "Bella, he's  _not dead_. He's not dead! I swear to God, holy shit please stop freaking out, I didn't kill him—"  
  
 _Now_ I could cling to him. I didn't cry again, but I shook so badly that my teeth clattered. "How—how—how is that even possible? He violated the treaty!" I tilted my head back to look at his face. "Didn't he?"  
  
Jacob looked grimmer than I'd ever seen. "Oh yeah. He definitely broke it. He's so damn  _fast_ —they hadn't caught him by the time I got there. Leah finally got him pinned—she's as fast as he is—and we got him hemmed in and then—"  
  
He stopped, that muscle in his jaw still working. I waited, not daring to break the silence.  
  
"And then," he ground out, "He looks at me with Paul, Leah, and Sam ready to tear him apart, and asks, 'is she all right? Is she safe?'' He looked down at me. "So of course what jumps into my head is you, the way I left you—"  
  
I closed my eyes. Oh, Edward.  
  
"And he just—solidifies. Like, he turned into a statue. And I guess everybody else was surprised, too—"  
  
Oh my  _God_. Just kill me now.  
  
"So they're all staring at me. And then  _he_ kind of starts moving again, says, 'Take care of her, Jacob Black,' and stands there like he's waiting to be ripped up. But Sam figured out what was going on then. And he told him to go and never come back."  
  
My eyes flew open. I gaped. "What?"  
  
"Yeah, I couldn't believe it either, at first. But then I saw what Sam was thinking, and… If there's anybody who'd understand, it's him."  
  
Still gaping. "Huh? No, wait. Where's Edward? What happened after that?"  
  
He shrugged. "He left. Really fast."  
  
That made me cringe against him.  _Edward_. Whether or not he loved me wasn't a question in my mind any more, and I never wanted to hurt him like this.  
  
"I have to go." I tried to scramble upright, but Jacob's arms locked around me.  
  
"No you don't."  
  
"Yes. I do." He let me shove him away and stand, but he stayed seated on the floor. "I have to go home. I have to call him. I have to—I have to explain—I didn't mean for this to happen—what's he going to think?"  
  
"Who gives a rat's ass?" Jacob's face was a study in disdain. "It's his own damn fault if you've moved on."  
  
I looked at him, mouth half-open as I tried to think of a way to say  _I haven't moved o_ _n_  without actually being that blunt. He knew, though. I could tell by the combination of disgust and fury that battled for control of his expression.  
  
And all of a sudden, I felt the same way. What was I doing, trying to push Jacob away just because Edward had acted exactly the same as he ever had? The fact that he'd crossed enemy lines for me didn't change the reasons why I'd told him I couldn't be with him anymore. My frantic urgency dropped away. A chasm of depression yawned at my feet in its absence. I knew I had to step back from the edge or I'd waste a week in bed. To distract myself, I asked, "Why does Sam understand?"  
  
Jacob jerked back a little, as if I'd surprised him. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Why does Sam understand this sort of stuff? You said if anybody would, he would."  
  
He stared at me in silence for a second; finally, he sighed and moved to the bed. "Sam knows about this sort of stuff because of Emily and Leah. He used to date Leah. They were really in love. And then Sam phased for the first time. He couldn't tell Leah because of the whole secrecy thing, but she knew something was different. It didn't get really bad, though, till she brought her cousin Emily home… And Sam imprinted on Emily."  
  
I gasped, sitting down beside him. "Emily stole Sam from Leah? No wonder she's such a bitch all the time! And what the hell is 'imprinting?'"  
  
"No, she didn't steal him," Jacob hastened to explain. "She was really pissed about it, actually. I mean, here was this guy who'd been dating Leah for forever following her around like a puppy looking for a home, and Leah all mad and heartbroken, and Sam wouldn't leave her alone because he  _couldn't._ " He paused, looking down at the mattress. "And imprinting is something that happens to werewolves. Sometimes. It's like your whole world is wrapped up in the one you imprint on. Like, you're never going to care about anything else except as it relates to that one person. Anything, any bond you had before, is going to not be nearly as important to you."  
  
I tried to understand, and failed. "Well, that sucks. It sounds like it would make you a really selfish jerk, if you're only worried about one person in your life instead of all the people who care about you."  
  
Jacob looked at me.  
  
I looked back expectantly, then heard what I'd just said. That'd been happening to me a lot lately. I buried my face in my hands. "Oh. Dammit."  
  
"Yeah. Um…" Jacob cleared his throat. "So Sam was following Emily around. And then one day she was so mad at him, they got into a gigantic fight. You know that's how she got those scars, right?" I nodded. "Well, after that, she finally gave in because he felt so bad about what he'd done. He wanted to kill himself, he felt so guilty."  
  
I didn't want to think about the "You hurt me, but then you were really sorry, so I let myself fall in love with you" dynamic there, so I focused on something else. "So imprinting doesn't care if you're already in love with someone else? What if the person you imprint on is already married? What if they're gay?"  
  
"It's never happened." Jacob's answer was instantaneous. "My dad thinks it's because imprinting is to keep the werewolves strong, so whoever is the imprint…ee or whatever has to be available. And breedable. You've gotta remember, we're dealing with a really small population here."  
  
I furrowed my brows. "That sounds like it's kind of controllable if it picks and chooses that way."  
  
Jacob snorted. "Yeah, well. Don't be fooled. If Sam could have  _not_ imprinted on Emily, he wouldn't have. It made things really hard inside the pack too. Leah's still pissed, even though now that she's a werewolf she understands the whole story."  
  
So, Leah made no excuses for imprinting. I thought about that—it was easier than thinking about Edward, doing whatever he could to get through another day without me. Leah either didn't care that imprinting was uncontrollable or didn't think that excused disloyalty. Was she being unreasonable? Even if she was, hadn't she earned the right? Emily hadn't been forced to allow Sam to be her fiancé. Even if he'd had no choice, she had.  
  
"Hey." Jacob touched my arm, rubbed it up and down. "We need to talk."  
  
My eyes flew to meet his, and I gulped. Oh, boy. This should be fun. Of course he would want to discuss what had happened last night. Because when had Jacob ever taken the easy way out of anything?  
  
He laughed a little, but his expression wasn't amused. "Don't look so scared." He slid his hand down to my own and held it. I hoped it wasn't too sweaty. "Bells, you know how I feel about you, right, honey?"  
  
I looked down at our joined hands and nodded. Yep. No more hiding behind pretend ignorance any more.  
  
"Yeah. But I'm scared last night may have given you the wrong idea." He squeezed my hand gently. "I don't want you to think I want you for a hook-up." I lifted my head, already shaking it "no," but he interrupted what I'd been about to say. "And that's not what I want you to want  _from_  me, either. I know you kissed me first, but I took it too far,  _way_ too fast, and I don't know if it was because you were drunk that you went along with it or what. Either way, it wasn't good."  
  
Wave after wave of heat rose up in my cheeks, nearly suffocating me with embarrassment, but I forced myself to keep meeting his eyes. "I thought you said—"  
  
"I mean, it wasn't  _right_ ," he corrected himself. "Especially when you're not over…  _him_." Even now, he still avoided the name. "I mean, I doubt you would have reacted the way you did just now if you only thought of him as an ex-boyfriend."  
  
I shook my head dumbly. No. Never only that.  
  
Anger moved across his features again and was smoothed away, so quickly that I almost didn't recognize it for what it was. "Do I have a chance with you, Bella? To be more than your best friend? Because I'm not sure that's enough for me anymore."  
  
This was why every girl-magazine article about being best friends with straight guys warned against it. Because, _bam_ , before you knew it, hormones took over and you were screwed. Or, in my case, third based. I'd thought myself immune with Edward in my life, but now that I'd banished him from prime position I no longer had any security against Jacob's attempts for my heart.  
  
And it was  _so weird_  how what we'd done last night had changed the dynamic between us. I was trying my best to think straight past the slight headache oppressing my temples and my own embarrassment, but instead I kept on seeing vivid flashbacks in my mind's eye of his hands and mouth on my skin, of the way I'd felt when he'd done  _this_ or the way he'd looked when I'd done  _that_ , and suddenly my whole body was urging me to plaster myself to him even though my mind had no desire to do so at the moment. Even though he'd just as good as said he regretted it. Even though I  _knew_ I wasn't over Edward.  
  
Was the way I felt something that could turn into a real relationship? A relationship that didn't have the shadow of a vampire darkening its edges at every turn?  
  
 _Edward_. Who loved me still, even though I'd sent him away; who had endangered his own life to check on my safety. I thought of the months we'd spent together before the birthday party, how he'd seemed like a god among men, deigning to love a mere mortal like myself. I could close my eyes now and re-live every touch, every conversation, every moment spent in my bed together with perfect recall, suffused with the radiance of wonder.  
  
I looked up at Jacob, and I thought instead of all the months he'd spent putting me back together again while I told myself he was working on the bikes, months spent in service of a girl who had been incapable of giving anything back. How, when he'd found out he might be a danger to me, had made sure I got the information I needed so I could make my own choice.  
  
He'd never admitted it, but I'd suspected for a while now that it had been Jacob who'd told my father about the motorcycles—not Billy as Charlie'd claimed—after I'd hurt myself so badly learning to ride. If it  _was_ Jacob, I had him to thank for my sanity in more ways than one, even though I'd been beyond furious at the time.  
  
My heart still ached and fluttered inside my chest whenever I even thought about Edward. But at least it was there where it belonged now.  
  
I squeezed Jacob's hands in return. "Yeah, Jake. I think you've got a chance. You've definitely got a better chance than anyone else. But I can't promise anything."  
  
He grinned so big, it was like I'd offered him the moon. "I don't need promises. C'mon, let's get you back to your truck before your dad calls Angela's house or something."  
  
The rain had cleared for the moment, so he took me back on his motorcycle. When we stopped at a red light, I leaned forward to call (through the helmet our dads had insisted we wear), "Hey Jake?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You're not a virgin, are you?"  
  
He whipped his head around to give me an incredulous look through his visor. "Are you seriously asking me that?"  
  
"Yeah!" I yelled as the light changed and we picked up speed. He didn't bother replying until we'd reached the edge of Forks and had to stop at another intersection (while I prayed my dad wouldn't be out anywhere but at a fishing hole).  
  
"No," he finally answered. "I'm not."  
  
"Oh." I didn't say anything else.  
  
When we reached Angela's house, I waved at her mother gazing curiously out of her bay window ( _please God don't let her say anything to Charlie_ ) and got into my truck, grabbing the keys out of my glove compartment while the door was still open.  
  
"Please tell me you don't do that all the time," Jake said, taking his helmet off.  
  
"Who's going to steal this antique?" I asked.  
  
He shook his head, then asked, "Are you?"  
  
"Am I what?" I already had thoughts of all the homework I hadn't done—and of how I'd need to stop by the drugstore and pick up some cover-up (did they carry "Butt-White" as a shade?) before I saw my dad again—crowding in my brain.  
  
Jacob rolled his eyes. "Are you a virgin, Bells."  
  
"Oh. Um, yeah. I am." My face turned fire-hot, but I managed to meet his eyes.  
  
A satisfied smile dawned on his face. "Well, that settles it." I leaned my head on the steering wheel and groaned, because I knew what came next. Ignoring me, he finished, "I'm  _definitely_ older than you."  
  
"Shut up, Jake," I said, but it came out half-hearted. Mostly because I was pretty sure he was right.  
  
"C'mere, baby girl," he said, striding forward and wrapping his hand around the back of my neck. He stooped down, pulling my mouth to his faster than I could think, and there I was, out in the middle of Angela Weber's street, kissing my best friend. I might have blacked out for a second, because when I opened my eyes I had my legs and arms wrapped around him with no memory of how they'd gotten there.  
  
Breathing hard, still holding onto my nape, Jacob rested his forehead against mine and smiled. "Just in case you were wondering? I'll take that over a promise, any day." He kissed the tip of my nose and then, as fast as he'd embraced me, got back on his bike and rocketed away.  
  
I watched him go as goose bumps broke out on my skin in the absence of his heat. Only when he was out of sight did I turn the key and head home.


	9. Ticket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to You May Call Me Goddess -- Bitch Goddess, for beta'ing all the rest of the chapters in this fic. :-)

I pulled up into my driveway after a quick stop by All American Drug Store and some hasty make-up application using the palm of my hand and spit for blending—yuck. When I opened the door, Edward appeared next to the hood.  
  
"Edward!" I almost threw myself at him, but caught myself at the last moment. Suddenly, the gap in my jeans where my button should have been holding my waistband together seemed really big. "Are you all right?"  
  
His brows were drawn together in what looked like pain, but he nodded. "I'm fine, Bella."  
  
"I heard about what happened last night at the reservation. I can't believe they didn't kill you." I drew closer, trying to read his face. "I'm really sorry. So, so sorry. I would never hurt you like that on purpose. Just—Just let me explain—"  
  
The shadows under his eyes had deepened to bruises, but nothing could interfere with the sharpness of his vision. He reached for my jaw and turned my head with his hand, inspecting my neck. "Did that animal do this to you?" he snarled.  
  
I felt myself blush even as I shivered at the brush of ice on my skin. "He did it  _with_ me. I kind of… It wasn't his fault. I need to tell you—"  
  
Edward nodded. "Well, that settles it. It's out of the question for you to be around the werewolf unprotected, Bella."  
  
I gaped at him. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Any further discussion is pointless." Even his firmness couldn't mar the beauty of that voice.  
  
I heard a light  _clunk_ , and pivoted to see my hood move about half an inch. "What was that?"  
  
Edward set his jaw. "It was Emmett. Taking out your engine."  
  
 _My_ jaw dropped even lower. "Are you serious?"  
  
"I don't know how else to convey the  _depth_ of my seriousness. I thought I lost you once. I won't risk it again. That means no more dangerous behavior from you. I won't tolerate it."  
  
"I… am so not going to go along with that," I managed to say. "Jacob was the only person who was a real friend to me when I wasn't able to  _be_ a friend, back while you were gone. I have to be able to see him."  
  
"Then I'll have to stop you." He sounded utterly confident in his ability to do it, too.  
  
"But…" I opened and closed my mouth a few times, trying to figure out a way to explain this in a manner he could understand. "I don't  _want_  you to stop me." God, my head hurt.  
  
He drew in close. My mouth started watering as his scent hit my nostrils. "Bella," he said softly. "I only want what's best for you. I only want to keep you safe."  
  
Oh, oh, oh. I'd forgotten—I'd  _tried_ to forget—how incredibly overwhelming close proximity to Edward Cullen could be. He leaned in, cautiously, and placed his mouth against mine. The sensation simultaneously thrilled and comforted me—so erotic, so familiar, so exactly like every memory that lived on in my cells. Before a second passed, I had forgotten why we'd even been arguing.  
  
"Even with that stench clinging to you, I can't resist you," he murmured, and kissed me again. I parted my lips and, for the first time, his tongue swept in.  
  
Which made my head hurt  _worse_. Total brain freeze. The sharp, stabbing pain in the center of my forehead brought me back to my senses. What the hell was I doing, kissing Edward less than half an hour after leaving Jacob? I was turning into a promiscuous kisser! I jerked back to see a smug smile curving Edward's lips upward.  
  
I rubbed the ache until it dissipated a little. "You  _know_ how I get when you kiss me and you used it to distract me? That's really low, Edward."  
  
"Discussion wasn't getting us anywhere." I looked at him, considering. His smile faded, replaced by a shadow of apprehension. "What is it?"  
  
I shrugged. "Nothing. I'm going in to study now. We've got  _Wuthering Heights_  up on deck and I've got to slog my way through somehow."  
  
"See you Monday morning?" he asked as I moved toward the front door.  
  
"Unless it's sunny, I guess," I called over my shoulder.  
  
Monday morning, of course, featured pouring rain. I found an umbrella big enough for five of me and stepped out early into the wet to see Edward's Volvo already in the driveway. I gave him a cheery wave and walked right past.  
  
He pulled out and drove alongside, lowering the passenger side window. "Bella, what are you doing?"  
  
I glanced to the side, all wide-eyed surprise. "I'm going to the bus stop, Edward. My truck won't start for some reason."  
  
"You're going to ride the bus? Don't be ridiculous. Get in the car."  
  
"No, I don't really want to ride with you. You stole my engine."  
  
"Bella, please. You're being unreasonable."  
  
I stopped and turned to face him dead-on. "I really. Don't. Want to ride. With you." I did, though. I hated riding the bus with every fiber of my being. I especially hated riding the bus as the only senior—only non- _freshman_ —who would be a passenger. I hoped he couldn't see my knees quaking. It took almost every shred of willpower to resist when he turned the full force of those gorgeous eyes on me.  
  
"Bella, you can't be serious."  
  
He followed me all the way to the corner, pleading, until I met up with a couple of freshmen who waited with me. He stayed parked until I got onto the bus. The driver said, "I can't let you on without one of these permission slips being signed, honey."  
  
"It's okay." I forced a smile. "I'm eighteen, I can sign my own."  
  
I sat behind her and filled out the form as slowly as possible, which ate up quite a bit of ride time. We got to the school a minute before the first bell. At least sitting up front meant I avoided witnessing any sex acts or drug deals in the back, and I got to be first off too, which was a minor plus.  
  
By the time Edward swung into step with me, the bus ride had given me new reserves of mad. "I so do not want to talk right now," I muttered, face down so no one could see or hear but him.  
  
"Bella, why would you do this to yourself?" he asked, genuine bewilderment shooting through the silk of his voice.  
  
"Edward, I didn't do this to myself. You did it to me. Well, you and Emmett."  
  
We continued to argue in undertones the entire morning, until Alice and Jasper's presence at lunch put a stop to our bickering. While my classmates discussed graduation and Alice happily announced a party—the occurrence of which filled me more with dull resignation than the usual fear—I stared at my lunch and forced myself to eat every bite, including the Snickerdoodle, even though it felt as vulgar as before to eat in front of the non-humans. My body would be with me in its present form a lot longer than I'd counted on previously; I had to care for it somehow.  
  
I tuned into the conversation just in time to hear Alice's bell-like tones still abruptly. Glancing up, I saw her staring into nowhere, saw Jasper frowning with whatever emotion he picked up from her, and saw Edward staring at Alice, brow furrowed. Hastily, I spoke up to cover the weird gap, but I needn't have bothered. The vampire aura led to most humans subconsciously trying to ignore what they couldn't fit into their worldview, and the minute something strange happened my mortal friends would look away.  
  
"What was that?" I asked Edward before our next class began.  
  
"What was what?" he asked, all innocence.  
  
"What did Alice see?"  
  
"A weather system moving in," he replied easily.  
  
Yeah, sure, that was believable. Whatever, I couldn't make him tell me. After school let out, I bummed a ride home with Eric and worked like a madwoman on my homework, trying to stave off the stir-craziness that not having a vehicle at my disposal always gave me. I even completed one five-paragraph essay that wasn't due till Friday. As soon as I finished that, I cleaned the bathroom, swept the floors, and started a load of laundry, which took me to dinnertime, and then I made lasagna, the details of which fully occupied my attention until Charlie came home a little after seven. He dropped the newspaper on the table, said, "Smells good, Bella," and grabbed a plate to carry in front of the TV.  
  
"Billy and Jacob want us to come up this weekend for a party," he volunteered.  
  
I leaned over the paper, read the headline about a possible serial killer in Seattle. Hope he didn't Bundy his way down here. "Yeah? That sounds fun."  
  
"I saw you left the truck when I came home for lunch. Everything okay there?"  
  
"Yeah, fine." I didn't want to get into it, so I omitted some details. "I caught a ride with Eric today, is all."  
  
"You two going out?"  
  
I choked on my mouthful of lasagna. After I'd managed to clear my throat, I gasped out, "God, Dad! No! Why are you asking that?"  
  
"Because that pound of make-up on your neck isn't hiding much, Bells, and you were at his house Friday night." He pretended to keep his attention on the game, but I saw his eyes dart to take in my reaction before returning to the screen.  
  
Oh-kay. Point given to police observation skills. "Yeah. No. Eric and I aren't dating."  
  
"Just hooking up?"  
  
Oh  _no_. "Please tell me you did not just say that."  
  
"You didn't answer the question, Bells." He gave up on any pretense and muted the television.  
  
"What is this, an interrogation? No, we are not hooking up, oh my God."  
  
"When can I meet him? The guy who did the number on your neck, I mean?"  
  
Oh,  _great_. "You already know him, Dad."  
  
"It had better not be the Cullen boy," Charlie rumbled.  
  
I laughed. "Edward's too old-fashioned to—no, never mind. You know him because you already know  _everybody_. It's  _Forks_. I'll let you know when I actually decide we're dating. If I do. I promise. It might have been a really bad one-time mistake."  
  
Charlie's face was purple with suppressed emotion, but he managed to get out, "Are you being safe?"  
  
I lowered my face to my arms, folded on the table. If he asked one more question I was going to take my serving spoon and dig a hole through to the ground so I could bury myself. "If I ever  _lose my virginity_ , Ch-Dad, I swear I will be double-safe, okay? I've got a prescription and—please, please, can I stop talking now?"  
  
"Hm." He gave me a suspicious look. "All right." He un-muted the game and turned up the volume.  
  
I ran up to my room as soon as was decently possible after that and leaned on my desk, trying to catch my breath. A movement in the corner made me start and almost scream until I realized it was Edward.  
  
"What are you doing here?" I asked. It seemed to be a recurring question lately.  
  
"Bella, do you remember those tickets Carlisle and Esmé gave you for your birthday?" He stood in the corner, searching my face.  
  
I shrugged. "Yeah, sure. To Jacksonville. Why?"  
  
"You need to go there. This weekend."  
  
"Um… why?" I walked closer to get a better look at his face.  
  
"Well, they're about to expire," he said with an easy smile, but I could see his eyes now, and there was no smile there. For some reason this was really important to him.  
  
"Edward, I don't even know if my mom's home right now." That was a lie; Phil's new job meant they both stayed put a lot more. I searched for a legitimate objection. "Plus, you took all that stuff the night you left."  
  
"Well…" He disappeared. I turned to see a floorboard in his hand in the middle of the room. "Actually, I didn't, Bella."  
  
I gasped and threw myself to my knees in front of the hole. "Are you serious? This was here the whole time? My CD!" I grabbed it all and pulled it onto the floor. Sure enough, there were two tickets. Isabella Swan and Companion. I held them in my hand, stared in consideration.  
  
"I don't know… I just got caught up on all the make-up work from Italy. If I go to Jacksonville…"  
  
He made a dismissive gesture with one elegant hand. "I looked at your folders while you were downstairs. You're ahead on class work."  
  
I shook my head at his presumption, but opted to press the real issue. "Why is it so important I go this weekend?"  
  
His brows furrowed in frustration. "Isn't it enough to get out of Forks? Think about it, Bella. Unlimited sunshine."  
  
"Yeah… and unlimited burning in the sunshine. I know what that's like. Phoenix, remember?" Stupid question. He never forgot anything. Wait a second. "How long have you been here?"  
  
He blinked, but I knew that was a front. When he was surprised, he froze. "Since before you began dinner. You used less oregano this time."  
  
I narrowed my eyes. "Oh, my God. Really, Edward? You really are trying this?"  
  
This time his face did freeze. "I don't know what you mean, Bella."  
  
I chuckled, but I wasn't feeling funny. "You heard Charlie say we were going up to Jacob's this weekend, and this is your attempt to keep me away from him?"  
  
His face moved again, into a frown. "Of course not. That's merely a bonus."  
  
If he hadn't been so high-handed about the truck engine, I might not have done anything but agree to go. After all, I knew now that my safety was his highest priority, and clearly he wanted me out of town for my own good. What's more, I really missed Renée. But he  _had_ been high-handed, and unapologetic, and my seldom-raised hackles were up. I nodded. "Okay, fine. I'll go." I saw relief surface in the topaz pools of his eyes. "If Jacob uses the companion ticket."  
  
He zoomed up into my face. "That's completely out of the question."  
  
I raised my eyebrows. "You can't have it both ways, Edward. Either I go to Jacob's house, or I go to Florida with Jacob."  
  
He grabbed my arms, and I gasped at the pressure on my skin. Instantly, he released me, only to run his hands through his hair so roughly I half-expected to see clumps fall out into his fingers. "What am I going to do with you, Bella? I only want to keep you safe!"  
  
"I'm safe with Jacob," I said with as much calm as I could infuse into the four words.  
  
Edward laughed humorlessly. "Oh yes. Safe." He turned a cynical eye on my neck.  
  
I forced myself not to raise a hand to cover the marks. "That was my choice, Edward. He didn't start anything. I'll let you choose this: do I go to La Push, or to Jacksonville, this weekend?"  
  
He squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed the bridge of his nose, and I knew I had won. Finally, he spit out, "Jacksonville."  
  
"All right." I walked to the window, opened it. "You can let yourself out. I'll go talk to Charlie."  
  
I didn't see him go. A gust of wind ruffled the blinds, and I was alone. I looked down at the paper in my hand, and then walked to the stairs. "Hey, Dad?" I called, heading down. "Look what I just found!"


	10. Travel

A few days later, we were in the air. Esmé and Carlisle had sprung for business class tickets—Cullens didn't know the meaning of "economy" in any of its applications—so Jacob was able to stretch his legs out instead of having them folded under his chin the way he would have in coach. The only other occasion I'd flown in the front seats had been on the hectic trip to save Edward's life, and I'd been in no condition to notice my surroundings at the time. Every moment had been eaten up with the terror that my stupidity had put an end to the life I'd valued more highly than my own. This time, I was ready to have a little more fun.  
  
Before the trip, I'd called Carlisle at the hospital. When I'd heard his gently modulated tones on the other end, though, I'd almost been unable to talk.  
  
"Um… hi. It's me. Um. Bella."  
  
I heard a shadow of laughter in his voice as he replied, "Yes, Bella, I know. How have you been?"  
  
"Good. Fine. All right, mostly. I…" In a rush, the truth came out. "I really, really miss all of you."  
  
When he spoke again, the laughter had disappeared. "Bella, the fact that you're no longer seeing Edward shouldn't prevent you from visiting us. We all miss you too, Esmé especially. Your presence in our lives has changed us all for the better. We consider you a daughter, not only because of what you mean to Edward, but because of who you are. Please don't feel that you need to stay away because your relationship with one of us has changed."  
  
I tried to imagine going over to the Cullens' house without Edward being the sole focus of my visit. To my surprise, it seemed feasible. Although I really doubted Rosalie could be included in the "all" who missed me. "All right. Maybe I won't."  
  
"But I'm sure that wasn't the only reason you called me today," he added, courteously giving me the opening I needed.  
  
"Oh. Uh, no. Actually, I'm calling about those tickets? That Esmé and you gave me for my birthday?"  
  
"Yes? Edward told me he'd urged you to make use of them. Can I tell you I agree with him?"  
  
Surprise made me speak a little more frankly than I'd intended. "Yeah, but you were probably counting on Edward being the one who made the trip with me, right?"  
  
I could hear his smile. "Actually, Bella, no. A place that sunny hardly makes sense as a travel destination for one of us, although I have no doubt that Edward would have made the attempt if you'd asked. You should feel free to give the ticket to whomever you choose. Don't feel guilty about it." He paused, and then added, "I find that I don't share Edward and Alice's fears for your safety—at least, not quite so intensely. Perhaps it's because I lived for hundreds of years without Alice's gift to smooth the way for me, but having you disappear from her vision isn't the catastrophe to me that it is to them, now that I understand the reason for it."  
  
"You don't… you aren't scared of Jake being with me?"  
  
"Well, I'll admit that it concerned me at first. However, I've spoken to Sam on occasion and always found him to be reasonable in spite of his antipathy toward our kind. His hatred of vampires is, in general, well-justified. The fact that the seven of us are different shouldn't change his mission to protect the tribe's land. I've gathered that Jacob Black considers you his primary mission for protection, even above that." The laughter returned. "And from what Alice tells me, it seems that you consider it  _your_ mission to protect us from your friend."  
  
Yikes. I winced at the memory of the scene in my bedroom. "I'd do it again. But I don't think I'll have to."  
  
"I know you would, Bella, and I hope you don't feel the need. Please, go to Jacksonville with a clear conscience. And stop by sometime after your return."  
  
I'd hung up the phone feeling ten times lighter than when I'd picked it up.  
  
Now, I leaned out over Jacob to look out the window—I'd taken the aisle seat, over his protests, since he'd never flown before and I thought he should have the view. "Oh look. More clouds."  
  
"It hasn't gotten old to me yet." He gave me a huge grin.  
  
Maybe he wouldn't have been as excited if he'd known where the tickets had come from. God knows Charlie had been less than enthused. Once I'd told him about my choice for companion, though, he'd perked right up. I'd warned him not to let Jacob and Billy in on the givers' identity. I didn't want anything to mess with Jacob's enjoyment (or, by extension, mine).  
  
"Hey, did I say thank you for taking me along? 'Cause, thank you."  
  
I smiled. "Thanks for coming. I'm glad Sam let you."  
  
Jacob rolled his eyes and leaned back a little. "He knows he couldn't really stop me if I wanted to go, but this way he gets to stay in charge."  
  
I didn't understand that, but I wrote it off as a werewolf thing. The rest of the flight we played cards, until Jacob couldn't keep his eyes open anymore and fell asleep after getting a promise from me to wake him up if he snored.  
  
When we got to DFW for our layover, we rode Skylink to all five terminals three times before we settled on Cousin's Bar-B-Q for food. Jacob, of course, ate enough for four hippos, although I don't think hippos would have been as enthusiastic about brisket. We wandered around D Terminal for a little while, Jacob carrying my backpack, until we passed the McDonald's play place area and he grabbed my arm.  
  
"Hey, look," he said, pointing at the dozen or so kids who were working out post- or pre-flight jitters in the tubes and netting.  
  
I glanced behind me, and then smiled as I looked forward to watch them scream from one level to the next. "Yeah, looks like fun."  
  
"C'mon, let's go." Jacob put the backpack straps on and started towing me toward the play place.  
  
I dug my heels in, but he didn't notice till I almost went down on both knees. "Jake! We're too old to do that."  
  
"Don't be a buzzkill. Look. The sign says, 'Parents Can Play Too!'"  
  
"We're not parents, Jake."  
  
"Nobody here knows that. Half the kids in there look like they could belong to you and me."  
  
I gave him a squinty-eyed glare. He beamed with faux innocence right back. "You're going to get us in trouble."  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure the people getting paid less than eight bucks an hour really care if we climb inside. No blue or white shirts, no managers, see?" He pointed behind the counter. In the two seconds it took me to see he spoke the truth, he'd already gotten halfway up the internal stairs.  
  
I planted my hands on my hips. "Jake!"  
  
"Hold on a second, honey, I just need to get her!" he called back. "Abigail Black, you get down here right now!"  
  
I burst out laughing. Finally, I gave up and joined him, yelling, "Abigail!"  
  
"Abigail!"  
  
"Abigail Renée!"  
  
"Abigail Renée Sarah!"  
  
I finally reached the highest level, next to the slide. "Who's Sarah?"  
  
He looked at me from his half-recline in the tiny space. It took me a second, in the dim, red-tinged light, to decipher the emotion in his eyes: tenderness. "Here; your hair's all on end." He smoothed the static out of the halo that had formed around my head. "Sarah was my mom's name," he finally answered, and then dove headfirst down the slide.  
  
I followed in the more conventional fashion, thinking about Sarah Black. Had I known that was her name? Surely I must have, but I'd forgotten. Jake almost never mentioned her.  
  
He was waiting at the foot of the slide when I finished navigating the twists and turns. "You ready to go back to the gate?" he wanted to know.  
  
"Sure." We fell into step together, leaving our phantom daughter to fend for herself. I looped my arm through his. "So. Abigail, huh?"  
  
He snorted. "It just jumped into my head; it's not like I've spent a lot of time thinking of ou—my future children's names or anything."  
  
"It's a really nice name. And Abigail Adams was pretty awesome."  
  
"So was Abigail in the Bible."  
  
I creased my forehead, trying to remember. Renée had tried an Episcopalian church for about eight months once. "Was she the one who had the baby when she was really old?"  
  
"No, heathen, she was the one who saved her no-good husband's hired people and slaves from being raped and pillaged after he screwed King David over. And then she married David after the no-good husband turned into stone." I gave him a dubious look, and he laughed. "I'm serious, that's what it said! Probably because he had a stroke or something. Or, you know, got turned into a bloodsucker."  
  
"Ha. Ha." I glanced over my shoulder.  
  
"You keep doing that. Are you expecting to see something?"  
  
"Not really," I replied, but it wasn't true. I kept expecting to see Edward. I couldn't quite believe that he'd let me go unsupervised all the way to Florida.  
  
It seemed he had, though. We went the entire trip from Dallas to Jacksonville without a sparkle sighting.  
  
  
  
Renée  _loved_ Jacob.  
  
She'd taken Friday off of work, so she could show us around town, but all he wanted to do was go to the beach. "Since I hardly ever get to swim without a wetsuit on," he'd told my mom, who'd laughed. I'd laughed, too, but for a different reason. So I slathered on the SPF 70 sunblock, put on my boring brown one-piece for the first time in a year, and headed out with the two of them.  
  
"What an absolutely gorgeous boy," Renée stated when he was out of normal earshot, running for the water glittering in the mid-morning sun.  
  
I cringed against my chaise lounge. There was no way for her to know Jacob's hearing range was far above normal. "Yeah. I guess." No need to make him more conceited than he already was. Jacob turned his head and grinned at me over his shoulder; he knew what I was thinking.  
  
"What do you mean, you  _guess_?" she demanded. "Bella, have you gone  _blind_?"  
  
I waited until he dove under the first wave. "No. I see the same thing you do. But, Mom, he's my best friend. And he's only sixteen."  
  
"And that's a problem… how? He doesn't act sixteen. He doesn't look sixteen. He looks older than you, really."  
  
I sighed. "Mom. I just broke up with Edward and I am  _not_ over him yet."  
  
"Oh, I can believe that." She clamped her straw hat down more tightly on her head and leaned back with a smile. Her nose ring—a new addition since the last time I'd seen her—sparkled in the specks of sunshine that filtered through the hat. "You've always been absolutely steadfast once you've made up your mind. And I saw the way you looked at each other, back in Phoenix. I honestly wondered if the two of you would end up married."  
  
I choked on my own surprise. "Mom! Are you  _serious_? You've always been the one who told me it was a mistake to marry Charlie so young! And now you're telling me you thought I would marry Edward?"  
  
"Well, yes, baby. It took me a long time to be ready to settle down. But you…" She directed one of her piercing looks at me through her sunglasses. Renée could be entirely intuitive and entirely perceptive at the same time; it was an unsettling characteristic. "You've always wanted to have all the trappings of adulthood, Bella, even when you were a second grader. Remember you lecturing me about safe sex three days after I taught you about it?" I groaned, clapping my hands over my face. She smiled. "I knew that as soon as you found a boy who recognized how awesome you are, you'd commit to him all the way. Of course, I didn't expect you to find him till college, which is usually when they get a clue, but then Edward happened…" She shivered. Renée actually  _shivered_ at the thought.  
  
I'd never thought to ask her what she thought of Edward. It had honestly never occurred to me to care. "Did you not like him or something?"  
  
"Oh, well…" She closed her eyes, but I could tell she chose her words carefully. "I liked how happy you were with him. I liked that you had finally found someone that you felt like you belonged with, and that you had let into that internal world of yours—you never brought anybody home from school in Phoenix.  
  
"He didn't seem to have much use for me, or really anybody but you and his family, which struck me as odd since usually high school boyfriends are pretty worried about what their girlfriends' parents think about them, and couldn't care less about their own families. I never got to talk with him very much." She shrugged, maybe to offset any possible offense I would take to what she said next. "I didn't like—I hated how little I heard from you after you met him, but I know that's normal. When I did talk to you, I could always tell your mind was somewhere else, and I was pretty sure that somewhere else was Edward, and I'm not sure that's all that typical. And then of course the whole thing when he left…" She let her voice trail off.  
  
"Yeah. That whole thing," I murmured, but I wasn't sure she heard me with the pounding of the surf and the seagulls' calling.  
  
We sat for a few moments in silence, then, "Bella, I was so scared that you were going to kill yourself," she finally blurted out.  
  
"That never crossed my mind," I said, startled.  
  
"I know it didn't consciously, but you started doing risky things…"  
  
"And then Ch-Dad sent me to therapy and I stopped, so you should have quit worrying." I injected a note of amusement into my voice. "You've been reading too many tragic love stories. Nicholas Sparks, maybe?"  
  
"Don't do that, baby." She turned her face to me again, and it was dead serious. "Don't shut me down like that. I had a right to be scared and concerned. The way you acted was terrifying. It's normal for a teenager to break up with her boyfriend, or even have him dump her, and then spend days crying in her room and the bathroom at school and playing sad music as loud as she can, and then eventually put on her big girl panties and deal with it with a new haircut. It's not normal to act like you're in a coma, to avoid any sort of entertainment like the plague, to try to hurt yourself for some weird thrill."  
  
I felt a blush sting my cheeks at her rebuke. It was so easy to distract Renée, to minimize her intuitiveness as flakiness, that the rare occasions when she caught me at it made me feel shock along with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry I scared you."  
  
"It's okay. You look good now." She looked out to where Jacob had surfaced, looking like the Native American version of the Daniel Craig money shot in  _Casino Royale_. "Charlie tells me  _he_ has a lot to do with that."  
  
"Yeah." I grinned as a couple of girls in bikinis paused in front of Jacob to let him get an eyeful. The bolder of the two waved. He waved back, but he was already on his way to see me so he didn't stop to talk. "He does."  
  
"Bells!" Jacob stopped in front of me, blocking the light. I shaded my eyes and looked up. "C'mon, come swimming with me."  
  
"I don't know, Jake…" I said doubtfully, but he just picked me up and slung me over his shoulder, jogging effortlessly back to the water while I made fruitless demands and pounded on his back.  
  
Once he tossed me in, though, I stopped complaining. "This is awesome!"  
  
"Told you." His lashes were spiky with saltwater, defining beautiful brown eyes that didn't need more embellishment.  
  
"You didn't tell me anything, you just grabbed me like a Neanderthal," I sniffed. I closed my eyes and stretched out to float on my back.  
  
"Half the time you wouldn't have any fun if someone else didn't make you," he said, a shrug in his voice.  
  
I knew he was right, so I just floated without replying until one particular forceful wave sent spray up my nose. I bolted upright, coughing, while Jacob laughed. I managed a half-blind splash in his direction and caught him full-face.  
  
"Oh, it's on," he promised, and then we were both shooting water at each other as fast as we could until we were laughing too hard to move any more. Or, at least, that's what he thought, until I got him one last time. "Hey!" Moving quicker than I could see, he stood up and grabbed my wrists, holding them behind my back. "No fair—if you're going to cheat I might have to take extreme measures."  
  
I wanted to say something, but Jacob's sudden intrusion in my space, along with the way he held my wrists together like he had  _that night_  struck me dumb. I ran my eyes up, over abs and chest and shoulders—even his neck was sexy, how did that work?—until I met his gaze. The laughter faded from his face, leaving an intensity that pulled a flutter of excited recognition from my belly into my throat. I felt my eyelids get heavy as I looked down at his mouth; my lips parted slightly in anticipation of what my body knew to expect even when my brain had just shut down.  
  
"Damn, Bella," he whispered, and I shivered at a sudden revelation of how much power I could hold over a boy—this boy—purely by being myself. I swayed closer. His head lowered until his cheek brushed mine, his lips only a fraction of an inch away.  
  
Then he hooked my ankles from underneath me with one foot and dropped my wrists, sending me underwater.  
  
When I came up, gasping and sputtering, his grin had returned. "Oh yeah. You want me bad."  
  
I growled, "Only because you wanted me first, dog-breath."  
  
"Admit it. You totally forgot your mom was watching."  
  
"I just didn't care." I put as much airy nonchalance into the statement as I could with my hair hanging over my face. Shoving it behind my ears, I added, "You're a jerk. You know that, right? I'm going back in."  
  
Jacob shook his head, imperturbably backing into the deeper water. "You'd better go back by yourself, unless you want your mom to see way more of me than she bargained for."  
  
Of course, I had to glance down at that, just to make sure he meant what I thought he meant—which he did—and he hooted with laughter. I stalked out as best I could, pretending it was the waves sending me off balance every few seconds, but I knew he wasn't fooled—the real reason I was unsteady was him. Damn it.


	11. Layover

On Saturday night, I had another nightmare.  
  
At some point, I'd kicked off my covers, and the in-room air conditioner had done its work a little too well, which I think is what triggered the dream. It was the same old thing: me, wandering through the woods at night, blindly searching for Edward after he'd left me there, after he'd told me he didn't want me anymore, unable to find any sort of internal compass or reason to go on without him. My heart was gone. My lungs were gone. The only thing that remained was the hole in my chest and the screaming.  
  
The screaming.  
  
I heard myself screaming before I fully woke up, and I couldn't stop it. I heard Renée's frantic, "Bella? Bella?" and Phil's sleepy, "What the  _hell_ was that?" Before either of them could get to my door, Jacob was already there, kneeling on the wood floor beside my bed.  
  
"It's okay, it's okay," he chanted, one hand on my back, the other holding my hand. "It's okay, it's okay."  
  
The last shriek faded into the wrenching sobs that always followed. My throat hurt with raw emotion and the aftereffects of straining my voice. I curled in on myself, holding my free hand to my temple, hiding as much of my face as I could.  
  
"What's wrong, Jake?" I heard Renée ask from the doorway, then quick footsteps across the floor. One cool palm pressed against my forehead—a mother's instinctive first response to any malady attacking her child. I shuddered away at her touch; the temperature was too reminiscent of Edward's.  
  
"It's all right, Renée. She had a bad dream. She's had them for months, ever since…"  
  
"Oh. Charlie mentioned… But I didn't know it was this awful."  
  
I kept my eyes squeezed shut, but I managed to choke out, "Jake…"  
  
"What can I do?" Renée asked. I could hear her helplessness, and I knew she hated it.  
  
"I can help her. I'm used to it."  
  
Renée hesitated, but she wasn't the sort of parent who felt the need to chaperone two teenagers of the opposite sex, especially when one was her hyper-responsible daughter. Good thing she didn't have all the details of how I'd been undeserving of that reputation lately. "Okay. I'll be in the next room." Her hand smoothed my hair away from my face. "I love you, baby." I heard her footsteps retreating, and then the door closed behind her. We were alone in the dark.  
  
Freed from the need to downplay my feelings in my mother's presence, I burst into renewed sobs. I loathed my weakness, and I detested showing my best friend how big a part the past still played in my life, but I couldn't stop. "I'm sorry," I managed to say. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Shivers ran through my whole body, shaking me uncontrollably.  
  
"Bells, it's me. I know. It's okay." Jacob crawled over me into the bed and pulled the covers over us both, holding me against him from head to toe. With a gasp, I turned into his bare chest and pressed myself against him as tightly as I could.  
  
After a minute or two, his body heat calmed the shivering. The sobs faded enough for me to breathe him in; the familiar scent flowed into my lungs, and with one final, convulsive shudder my whole body relaxed.  
  
I lay limp in his arms, enjoying the waves of peace that enveloped me, starting at our points of contact. "You know what the weirdest thing is?" I mumbled after a little while.  
  
"What's that?" His hand stroked my hair from the top of my head down to the small of my back over and over again.  
  
I re-thought my impulsive question. "Never mind. It's stupid."  
  
"No, tell me."  
  
With his face concealed in the nighttime shadows, confessions were easier, even the loopier-sounding ones. "When you touch me… I feel better here." I caught his arm, brought his hand to rest over my heart, which was thudding away back in its place again. "And here." I put his palm against my stomach, radiant heat against the core of me. "It's kind of like… you're so centered, you bring me back to center too. And all I have to do is touch you."  
  
His hand moved, slid to my waist to encompass my hip. "I don't feel centered. When you scream like that, I just want to fucking kill him."  
  
I closed my eyes. My worst nightmare, so unthinkable that I'd never even had it invade my subconscious. "Don't."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
We lay in silence, the humming of the air conditioner the only sound.  
  
"Bells…" he asked finally, after my breathing had stopped hitching and my heart had resumed its normal pace. "Should I… Are you ready for me to go?"  
  
My heartbeat picked up speed again for an entirely different reason. "You don't have to," I managed to murmur. "Renée doesn't care."  
  
"That's  _so weird_ ," he answered. I laughed. "No, I'm serious. That's really weird! Are you telling me she's not sitting there in the next room planning how to bust in on her little girl if she has the slightest inkling that we may be getting it on in here?"  
  
I couldn't stop laughing. "Seriously, she doesn't care, Jake. She doesn't have any sort of moral objection and she knows I'd always be safe." The motion of my laughter moved my belly against him again. I froze.  
  
"Yeah. That's kind of why I was wondering if I should go."  
  
I breathed experimentally, feeling the push of his erection through our nightclothes on my stomach. "Um."  
  
Now it was his turn to laugh, which did interesting things down there. "That's not really a yes or a no, Bells."  
  
"I know." I was doing my best to sound normal, but my voice still came out kind of squeakish. I ran my hand down his chest and onto his stomach, pausing just above the waistband of his shorts.  
  
He caught my fingers in his before I could decide whether to go up his chest again or down below his clothes. "Don't be mean."  
  
"I don't mean to be," I said, a little confused.  
  
He sighed, maybe not so accidentally pushing himself against my stomach once more. "Yeah. I know. But I'm gonna go back to the other bed now."  
  
I couldn't decide if I was more relieved or disappointed. "How come?"  
  
"Because you're still messed up from that dream. I don't want us to do this when you're off-balance, because of talking to him or dreaming of him or…whatever. I know he's still on your mind all the time. I can see it, the way it hurts you."  
  
I swallowed. "Are you mad at me?"  
  
"Nah. You can't help it. But it's not really my idea of a fun time, making out with a girl so she can stop thinking about another guy." He kissed my hair, smoothed it down again. I rested my face against him, absorbing as much heat as I could before the inevitable parting. Without really meaning to, I kissed his chest. Jacob caught his breath. "Okay. Gotta go."  
  
He moved to get up, but I caught him. "Don't go. Please." Once he left, I'd be out in the cold again, and I couldn't bear the thought. "We don't… I won't do anything. Please stay and talk to me. Please."  
  
He groaned a little, laughing at the same time. "You're trying to kill me, aren't you? Or give me the worst case of blue balls known to man." I waited; this was Jacob, my personal sun, and I knew he couldn't deny me anything in the end. Sure enough, he sighed again. "Fine. What do you want me to talk about?"  
  
"Anything. Tell me about… tell me about what it's like, when you're a wolf. Tell me what's different about the way you think or the way you see things with your wolf-eyes."  
  
He obliged me, talking on and on about whatever I asked, answering my questions with way more detail than he had to, while I rested against him and let his voice wash over me until my eyes closed of their own accord.  
  
So that was a great way to wrap up the trip, with my mother completely freaked out and trying to keep herself from clinging to me at the airport when she dropped us off. "Promise you'll call," she begged, over and over again, and I knew that she didn't only mean to report our safe arrival home.  
  
"I will, Mom, I promise," I said, over and over again, right up until our last embrace. She hugged Jacob, too, but to him she said, "You are such a good guy. Thanks for coming with Bella."  
  
"Your parents both love me," he said to me while we waved goodbye from the curb. "That's an excellent sign, you know."  
  
"Uh-huh. Use those muscles for something other than enthralling bikini babes and carry my bag. Please."  
  
The flight to Texas passed uneventfully, with Jacob seeming to catch up on every bit of sleep he'd missed the night before. Even when we were in Dallas again, he curled up on the floor with his head on my backpack, while I rested my head on his stomach and read trashy magazines for an hour.  
  
Finally, I got sick of being alone with my thoughts. I made a fist and thumped the muscles under my head. "Hey. Wolf man."  
  
He snorted. "Yeah? Wassup?"  
  
"Wake up." I looked at the cover of the magazine in my hand. _Is He Lying to You About Your Bed Moves?_  it wanted to know. Also,  _What If He's Not the One? Five Ways to Tell if You're Not Ready to Commit (And When to Move On)._  "I'm bored."  
  
"S'not my problem," he muttered.  
  
The next headline screamed,  _You CAN Handle the Truth (About the Women Who Came Before You)_. "Yes it is. How many girls have you slept with?"  
  
"Don't tell me," he said, but he sounded awake so that was good. "There's a quiz in there. _Is He a Man-Slut? Find out by answering these ten questions._ "  
  
I giggled. "I wouldn't be surprised. How'd you know?"  
  
"Two older sisters, remember?" He opened his eyes and looked around, probably checking to make sure we weren't near anyone. This far in advance of the flight, we were the only two in the gate. It was just us and a giant TV with Headline News muted onscreen. "One."  
  
"One?" That surprised me. He'd seemed… really adept. Though, what did I know? Plus, he  _was_ only sixteen.  
  
"Yeah. She was my girlfriend for two years, you know? We broke up not too long after you moved to Forks."  
  
"Who is she?"  
  
"Julia. A girl on the rez. You don't know her."  
  
I thought about the faceless girl who'd known him so intimately before me, surprised to feel nothing other than curiosity, and then gasped as another thought struck me. "So wait. You were  _thirteen_ when you did it?"  
  
"Fourteen, almost fifteen." He gave me an  _oh, please_  look at my open-mouthed shock. "What? We'd been going out for more than a year. It's not that young."  
  
I thought back to the way he'd looked, on that beach in La Push, when I'd flirted with him to get more information about the strange pale boy who hated me for no reason. He'd still had some baby fat on his cheeks—and he'd already been with a girl. "It seems  _really_ young. Was she a virgin too?"  
  
"Yeah, not that it's any of your business, nosy, and I keep on telling you." He yawned and closed his eyes again. "I'm older than you are."  
  
"No you're not," I muttered.  
  
"You're a baby compared to me."  
  
"I think I should deduct ten years from your age for chronic sleepiness. Either that or add fifty."  
  
He didn't open his eyes, but he smiled. "Even in fifty I'll still look exactly the same, so go ahead."  
  
I wrinkled my forehead. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Werewolves don't age, Bells." This time he did crack open one eye, gauging my response. "Not until we quit phasing, anyway."  
  
"The  _hell?_ " I shrieked. People looking at a keychain kiosk nearby turned to look at me, but I didn't care. Jumping to my feet, I said, "Are you telling me that  _you_ don't have to get older? That is  _so unfair._ "  
  
"What's your deal?" he wanted to know, raising himself up on his elbows.  
  
"My  _deal_ is that nobody around me is getting any older! I'm the only one! Everyone else is going to look better than me forever!"  
  
"Are you smoking crack?" he demanded. "Everyone you've ever met but the pack and the Cullens are getting older. The vampires are not getting older because they're  _undead_. And we're not getting older because they're nearby! How does this strike you as unfair to  _you_ instead of us? Are you telling me you'd take turning into a giant carnivore or maybe having your heart turn to stone and then wanting to suck human beings' blood out of their bodies forever, over getting older? Because that's seriously messed up, Bells."  
  
When he put it like that, it did sound messed up. I tried to assemble a more persuasive argument, but all that came out of my mouth was, "Ugh!"  
  
Jake rolled his eyes and collapsed back onto my bag, throwing one arm over his face. "You're psychotic."  
  
"Yeah, probably," I admitted after a moment of irritable silence. I plopped down on my butt, picked up my magazine and scooted against him again. He lifted the arm not draping his face and wrapped it around my waist.  
  
"I love you anyway," he said, so quietly that I wondered if he'd hoped I wouldn't hear.  
  
I couldn't pretend I didn't, though—the shock of the words sent a bolt of cold lightning arcing straight through my body.  
  
"Jake?" I whispered, turning to face him within the circle of his embrace.  
  
He kept the arm over his eyes even while I leaned closer. "Yeah, I said it. I meant it. I know you don't feel the same way. But I think you should know. Just because you don't have Cullen freezing the life out of you doesn't mean that you won't be loved forever."  
  
This had to be the weirdest place ever for a declaration of steadfast devotion. "I… I… I don't know what to say," I finally admitted.  
  
"It's okay. You don't have to say anything. But, I figure you need to know as much as you can. So you know what your options are."  
  
I laughed, and patted his chest, which was starting to feel like my own, personal property. Maybe that was a good thing. "Jake. You don't get it. Right now, you're my  _only_ option besides being single."  
  
He moved his arm enough to look at me from under it. "Yeah, right. Like the guys at your school wouldn't hit that if they got the chance."  
  
I smacked him. "Gross. I didn't mean that. I mean… If I choose, I choose you. Not that I'm making a choice right now. I'm just saying."  
  
"Easy to say when there's no vampire nearby," he said with a shrug, but I could see unwilling hope in his eyes.  
  
I glanced around; the people at the gift kiosk had moved on, and nobody was looking our way. Leaning my body forward, I rested my cheek against his and whispered, "Not easy at all—but true." I lifted my face, hidden from everyone but him behind the curtain of my hair, just enough to kiss him. He made a muffled noise, surprise and pleasure, against my lips, and lifted his hand to bury it in my hair, but he didn't try to open his mouth under mine. That was good, because even this much PDA was way over my comfort level—or it had been until I went there. Now I was fighting off thoughts of exactly how much I could get away with in a dark corner before airport security got called.  
  
When I lifted my head at last, dizzy with lust and emotions I couldn't define, his eyes were open. "Can we stay here forever?" he asked.  
  
"I know what you mean." I looked through the windows at the harsh Texas sunlight baking the asphalt outside. "Everything complicated and bad seems so far away here."  
  
"I like this only-you-and-me thing. I wish it didn't have to end. The minute we get back, I'm just another wolf in the pack again," he said wistfully.  
  
"And I'm a clumsy girl who needs a vampire protection program. But you're not just another wolf. You're my Jacob." I laid my hand against his cheek; he turned his face to press his lips to my palm. I curled my fingers around the kiss-shaped burn and lifted it to my heart.  
  
"Always," he agreed, and it felt like a vow.


	12. Misunderstanding

As soon as we set foot outside the security gates at SeaTac, our idyll ended. On our left, leaning against the wall and looking like extras from a gangland movie with their tough-guy faces, Quil and Embry waited, directing suspicious gazes across the wide hall at—  
  
 _Edward_. He didn't lean, of course, being a product of a different age in which good posture bespoke good breeding. No, he stood on our right with arms crossed, studiously ignoring the murderous looks directed his way by the werewolves, eyes already on me the instant I came into his view. He must have been listening for Jacob's thoughts.  
  
I didn't need Edward's ability to read minds in order to know what those thoughts were. I caught Jacob's elbow at the exact instant he jerked forward.  
  
"No, Jake!" I said, as urgently as I could in an undertone. "Not here. He has as much right to be here as you do."  
  
He dropped his elbow hard, to free it from my grasp. "I should have known the minute you saw him you'd go back to defending him," he growled, turning on me.  
  
I let my jaw drop at this injustice. "You've got to be kidding! Just because I don't want you to get in a fight in the middle of an airport means that I'm defending him?" I glanced sideways at Edward, as always looking like a denizen of Olympus who'd gotten lost among the mortals, with regular people instinctively giving him a wide berth as they walked to their destinations. "You both have reasons to be discreet, that's all," I whispered, still talking to Jacob but gazing at Edward, who remained utterly composed and unmoving.  
  
At the last second, I realized what I was doing and snapped my eyes back to Jacob, but he already looked bleak. "Bye, Bella."  
  
Quil and Embry straightened and started walking toward us, and I panicked. He was going to leave angry, and I was so sick of making him angry because of Edward. "No!" I said, more loudly than I'd intended, then repeated more softly, "No. Wait. Don't go like this."  
  
"I don't want to be anywhere near him. Or you, when you're with him."  
  
"I'm not with him," I said, but I couldn't help the quaver in my voice. I was so tired—I'd been tired for months—and I hated conflict, which was pretty ironic considering how often I'd been the cause and center for it lately—and it still hurt to say the words. "I didn't know he'd be here. Please don't be mad at me."  
  
"You don't get it, Bella. It's not that he's here. It's that you can't stop looking at him."  
  
I wasn't going to cry. I was  _not_ going to cry in front of dozens of strangers in a public place. My lips quivered and the lump in my throat grew to softball-size. I could barely speak past the constriction. "Jake,  _please_ don't."  
  
Embry clapped Jacob on the shoulder. "Yo, slacker, how was Florida?"  
  
Quil slung his arm around Jacob from the other side. "I'm surprised you even came back."  
  
Jacob ignored them both to hold my gaze with his own. I blinked back tears, and finally understood what I saw there. Rejection. He felt rejected. Well, that was something I had extensive experience with. "Jake, I—"  
  
He waited, but I knew if I kept on talking I'd start bawling, so I snapped my mouth shut and did some deep breathing through my nose. He looked away, shaking his head and half-laughing with disbelief. "Yeah. Me too. See you around."  
  
"Hey, Jake—" Embry said, looking at me, then Jacob, then back again, with concern. Maybe not being in love with me made my expression easier to read or something, because he didn't seem angry.  
  
"Let's go, guys," Jacob said, striding off toward baggage claim without waiting to see if they'd follow.  
  
Quil ruffled my hair with a sympathetic look, then took off after his friend. Embry hung back. "Bella, are you okay?"  
  
I nodded, then shook my head. No. "He's really mad at me," I managed to squeak out, my voice an octave higher than normal. Two tears trickled from the corners of my eyes; I hurriedly swiped them away, but of course he saw.  
  
"I think it's more that he's scared," Embry offered. "The leech is a pretty hard act to follow." He grinned nervously. "Don't tell Jake I said that."  
  
Probably most sixteen-year-old boys wouldn't have been able to read their friends like that. Werewolf telepathy again, I supposed, but this time I was grateful for the insight. "Okay. I won't. You'd better go or he'll probably just leave you." I tried to smile, but more tears escaped when I did, completing my humiliation.  
  
Embry patted my shoulder clumsily while I smeared my palms down my cheeks. "He's an idiot. I'll talk to him." He turned on his heel and ambled toward baggage claim. When he drew parallel to Edward's position, he looked over and said something too soft for my mundane ears to pick up. Edward actually forgot his human charade for a bare second, drawing his lips back from his teeth and hissing. Embry laughed in derision, picking up speed as he followed his friends' path away from us.  
  
At last, Edward began walking toward me. I stood still at his approach; what was the point of avoiding him? I didn't even want to—as much as I wanted to deny it to myself, I'd felt ever-so-slightly let down that he hadn't followed me down South and back. When he drew alongside me, he took my backpack from my hand and slung it over his shoulder.  
  
"Hello, Bella. How was your trip?" he inquired politely.  
  
I steeled myself into composure. "Fine, thanks," I replied. Fabulous. Next we'd be discussing the weather. "It was really nice to see my mom and Phil. I'll have to tell Carlisle and Esmé thank you in person later. Did you guys do anything fun this weekend?"  _Hunt a mountain lion, wrestle a bear, build the world's largest house of cards…_  
  
"Emmett and Rose worked with Esmé on plans for a new cottage they're thinking about custom-building on the property, so they can have their space again for a while."  
  
Still making stilted conversation, we made our way to baggage claim as slowly as I could go. By the time we finally got there, the boys were gone and he could collect my suitcase without getting glares. Once we got in the Volvo, though, and he had paid the parking fee, I turned to Edward.  
  
"Okay, so. Tell me."  
  
"Tell you what?" he evaded, merging into the snarl of Renton traffic.  
  
"Why'd you come get me?"  
  
"I wanted to be sure you were still well." He looked straight at me while effortlessly cutting between two semis to get onto the freeway.  
  
"Yup. No Ebola or bubonic plague in Jacksonville this week." I closed my eyes and leaned back the seat. "I'm really tired, though. Do you mind if I sleep? Unless you want to tell me the real reason you were at the airport."  
  
"Bella, can't I just be concerned about you?"  
  
"Oh yes. You definitely can." I opened my eyes, turned my head to gaze at him. "I know you, Edward. I know you're hiding something. I'll never take your word for anything again, Mister I'm-A-Very-Good-Liar. I learned that lesson. Maybe you could start with why you wanted me to go to Jacksonville. I had time to think about it, and I don't think it was about keeping me from Jacob. You could've just given Charlie two flat tires before we got out of town." It all came out sounding very cool and in-charge, but internally I was quaking with my own temerity. Speaking to Edward like an equal didn't come easily to me.  
  
He laughed. "Bella, you've been known to endanger your life when you shave your legs. Is it any wonder I'm concerned about what may happen at a reservation filled with werewolves—where I'm not allowed to keep watch over you? You might decide to go outside and break your neck tripping on a tree root."  
  
I gaped at him in outrage. "I'm not  _that_ clumsy, Edward. That is so unfair."  
  
He gave me a look of skepticism mixed with amusement. "Bella, you've changed a bit while I was gone, but you haven't changed that much. You're still a magnet for trouble like none other."  
  
I opened my mouth to argue, and then snapped it shut. Wait a minute. He was doing the exact same thing to me that I'd done to Renee when she'd expressed her fears. "You're shutting me down. You're trying to minimize my observations and distract me from my conclusions."  
  
His face went immobile for a second, and started moving again so quickly that I might have missed it if I hadn't been looking for exactly that reaction. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean." I stared at him in silence. "Bella, you're imagining things."  
  
"I've changed enough to believe my own perceptions, Edward," I said finally. As usual around him, I found myself slipping into more formal speech patterns. "You can hide it from me as well as you're able, but I'm going to find out what's going on eventually. I always do." I paused, and then added something I'd never said with pride before. "I get that from my mom."  
  
He lifted one eyebrow at that, but increased his speed to 120. We made the rest of the drive in silence, until he pulled up into my driveway. Charlie's cruiser sat next to my truck in front of the house. I felt my heart lift, for the first time since Jacob had stalked away, at the prospect of seeing my dad—which then made me frown in confusion. Since when had I looked forward to being with Charlie? Life just kept getting weirder and weirder.  
  
Edward, of course, just saw the frown. "It's all right, he hasn't seen me. You should be able to get inside before he has a chance to look out."  
  
I shook my head. "No, it's not that, it's my—never mind." I looked at him. "Thanks for giving me a ride home. I mean it. It was really nice of you, even if it did have the added benefit for you of pissing off Jacob."  
  
He gave me his crooked smile and reached out to caress my cheek. I closed my eyes at the icy touch, breathing him in and leaning against his fingers. "I miss you," he whispered. The words hit at my weakest emotional spot, still raw from Jacob's anger. I choked on a half-sob. If I ever told him how much I missed him, he'd never leave. For a moment, the prospect beckoned—never having to guess again, always belonging to him and his family, never making my way alone anywhere I may go, always frozen in the bloom of my youth. I opened my eyes to find grief written all over his marble features. He looked like a work of art— _Adonis, Undone_.  
  
"If you hadn't left…" I murmured, drawing closer to him.  
  
"I never would again," he promised, lowering his mouth to mine, and this time I did sob against his lips, tears spilling out from lids that drifted closed again with his proximity. The sutures I'd put in my psyche unraveled at the pressure of his kiss; heartache bloomed with a physical pain. He buried his hand in my hair to hold me against him, and I had a flashback of the last time someone had touched me in just that way. Jacob.  
  
Oh my God,  _Jacob_. Hideous guilt washed through me like lava, burning away Edward's spell with the force of its tide.  
  
I jerked back, gasping, "No, Edward," but for once I'd surprised him. His hand didn't move in time, and I felt my hair rip from my skull in a few places. "Ouch!" I yelped.  
  
The effect on Edward was much worse. He threw himself back so quickly that he dented the driver's side door. Horror dawned on his face. "Oh dear God, Bella—"  
  
I raised my fingers to touch my scalp. The tips came away bloody. "Oh no. I'm so sorry. Here, let me get out."  
  
" _You're_ sorry? Should I take you to Carlisle? How bad is the bleeding?" He craned his neck to see, careful not to touch me again.  
  
"It's nothing." I patted my hair experimentally. "See any bald spots? Wait, don't make yourself uncomfortable, I'll just look when I get inside."  
  
"I told you the blood doesn't bother me anymore. It was the truth. Turn your head." I obeyed. "No, your hair's thick enough to cover it. But, Bella—I'm so very sorry, please forgive me—"  
  
"It's okay." I put my hand on his; I could tell he restrained himself from pulling away out of fear. "I promise. It's okay. Really, it's kind of surprising something like that hasn't happened before. Magnet for trouble, remember?" I smiled.  
  
He managed a smile in return, but it looked sick. "I'm not supposed to be part of that trouble, Bella."  
  
There were so many potential answers to that, I couldn't choose one. Instead, I changed the subject. "Edward. Thanks for the ride. I'm going in now."  
  
He got out and opened my door, then handed me my bags. "I would carry them inside, but I think your father might try to shoot me, and the ricochet could be dangerous. May I give you a ride to school tomorrow?"  
  
I narrowed my eyes. "Is my truck engine back?"  
  
"Yes." He gave a genuine chuckle at my naked suspicion. "Check for yourself."  
  
I walked over, opened the door, and jerked on the release. When I raised the hood, there it was—my engine, only newly cleaned and shining in the dim light that made it through the cloud cover. I rolled my eyes.  _Freaking Emmett._  "Okay." I slammed the hood shut. "I'll ride with you tomorrow. Thanks."  
  
"Good night, Bella." He drove away.  
  
I walked into the house, calling, "Dad?"  
  
He was so happy to see me he hugged me twice, which had to be a new record. I made spaghetti with meat sauce and salad for dinner, since I could see by the ocean of cardboard in the recycle bin that he hadn't had one decent meal since I'd left. He left the TV off the whole time and asked questions about Jacksonville, about Renée and Phil, about the flights—although he studiously avoided any inquiries about Jacob. It was like a benevolent alien had taken over my father's body, which should have made me feel a lot better… but it didn't.  
  
After dinner, I had tons of homework to catch up on and a couple of admissions essays for colleges to tweak. By the time I tumbled into bed, it was past midnight. I switched off the lamp and turned to my side, staring out the window at the streetlamp. My eyes refused to close.  
  
Finally, I sighed and grabbed my phone from the nightstand. I texted,  _Jake? Are you there?  
_  
I waited a minute, but there was no response.  
  
 _I'm really sorry about at the airport. I didn't know Edward would be there.  
_  
Still no answer.  
  
 _I wanted to talk to you, but I was about to cry. And I know how bad that would've freaked out Quil and Embry. ;-)_  
  
Silence. I sent off a rapid-fire succession of messages.  
  
 _Jake, I don't want you to think he's more important to me than you are, because he's not. Not anymore.  
  
You were right when you said I still think about him all the time. It wouldn't make any sense to pretend I don't.  
  
I thought I'd be with him forever. I thought I knew how my life was going to go. I was wrong.  
  
I'm still really messed up. I don't know if I'll ever be the way I used to be. Maybe I'll be better than that.  
  
When I'm with you, I want to be better.  
  
Great. Now I was crying again. Perfect. At least this time nobody else could see.  
  
I didn't mean to be a jerk to you. I'll try harder to do better. But if it's not good enough I understand. I might not want to deal with me either.  
  
Who am I kidding? I *don't* want to deal with me, most of the time. You're the only one who did, back when no one else could.  
  
Jake. Please, please answer me.  
_  
I typed one more message.  
  
 _I don't want to live without you._  
  
I hovered my finger over "send," then hit "cancel" instead. It was the truth, but I couldn't tell him. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I waited, clutching the phone to my chest, and waited and waited. He never replied.  
  
Finally, I cried myself to sleep.


	13. Revelation

I woke up already regretting having agreed with Edward to ride together to school. He'd felt so bad about my hair, I'd wanted to show him there were no hard feelings, and on some confused level I didn't want him to think that I hated him now that I'd broken up with him, but it might give him the wrong idea. Of course there was also the boulder in my chest that had sat there ever since my fight with Jacob. I was stupid at all this stuff; why wasn't there a better way to learn how to handle the maze of interactions between girls and boys other than experience? Now there was something to take up with whoever was in charge.  
  
I spent all my getting-ready time internally debating whether or not to just call Edward and tell him I'd drive myself, but when I picked up my phone to do it—and to check again to see if Jacob had replied— I heard him pull up.  _Darn_ , I thought, sticking my phone in my pocket instead, and then,  _Dammit, Alice_. Why else would he be ten minutes early?  
  
Oh well. Too late now. I slung my backpack over my shoulder, grabbed a Pop-Tart, and scurried through the light drizzle to the Volvo.  
  
"Hello," he greeted me as I threw my backpack in on the floor and slid onto the seat.  
  
"Hey." I buckled my seatbelt and ripped open the Pop-Tart. "So. Alice saw me calling, huh?"  
  
He didn't bother to deny it. "Why would you cancel?"  
  
I waited until I could swallow, then, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea." At his inquiring look, I clarified, "I don't want to get back together with you." Mostly. On odd-numbered days.  
  
He nodded slowly. "All right. From now on we'll both understand that anything I do for you comes with no… relationship strings attached."  
  
"That's cool. But I should probably not let you do very much for me anyway. I mean, you don't owe me anything."  
  
"Isabella Swan." Edward looked at me dead-on. "I owe you everything."  
  
My heart quailed at that declaration. It seemed so imbalanced. How could a man over a century old owe me everything? I didn't know how to address it, so I just let it go. "I'm new to breaking up. I mean, you're my first… boyfriend, or whatever. So I'm probably really bad at this."  
  
"I never cared for anyone before I met you, so I'm sure I'm inept as well." He took my hand, and for once it felt like friendship instead of possession. "We'll have to fumble our way forward somehow."  
  
My hand felt like I'd stuck it in an icebox, but I didn't move. It was nice to have the tension between us ratchet down a little.  
  
It wasn't destined to last long. The instant we turned into the parking lot, he stiffened. "I don't suppose if I told you to stay in the car, you'd listen."  
  
"Why?" I scanned the lot and—there. Jacob waited next to the walkway, face expressionless, arms crossed. Students walking by gave him a lot of space and wary looks. For a second I wondered if I was imagining things, if my longing for Jacob had formed a hallucination in front of the school, but then I remembered Edward's words and I knew he was real. I grabbed my backpack and tumbled out of the car before Edward had completely finished pulling into his spot, almost falling before I caught myself on the door.  
  
"Jake!" I yelled. He spun around from where he'd been leaning against his bike, eyes unerringly going straight to me. He scowled. I shrank back from the unexpected expression, and then realized why he looked so livid. I was getting out of Edward's car, not even twenty-four hours after I'd told him I wasn't with Edward. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I slammed the door shut and took off at an almost-run straight towards him. I had to explain.  
  
Before I got within ten feet of him, Edward was in front of me, one hand against my shoulder. "Wait, Bella," he cautioned, his eyes on Jacob.  
  
I tried to knock his hand away, but of course that was pointless. I could feel the bruise start on my wrist. "Wait? Why? I need to talk to him!"  
  
"It's not safe. He's furious." Edward straightened as Jacob left his motorcycle behind and stalked toward us. I growled, exasperated, but since he was coming to me anyway, I waited.  
  
Jacob stopped a few feet away and folded his arms again, directing a fierce look at Edward. "I'm here with a message from Sam."  
  
Edward nodded. "I know."  
  
Jacob sneered. "Yeah. I'm sure you do. But I told him I'd tell you, not that I'd let you lift it out of my brain. If any one of your…  _family_ sets foot on our land again? The treaty is off. We won't hesitate to tear you all limb from limb."  
  
"What?" I spun to face Edward. "You went  _back_? After what happened last time? Edward, what the hell is the matter with you? Do you have a death wish or something?"  
  
He shook his head, but Jacob answered. "It wasn't him, this time. It was the big one."  
  
"Emmett?" I looked back and forth to each of them. " _What_ is going on? Why was Emmett, of all people, on the reservation?"  
  
Jacob finally looked at me. "Why'd we go to Jacksonville? I didn't think about it, but those tickets had to be way out of Charlie's budget. Who paid for them?"  
  
I blushed and bit my lip. "Um. It was, uh, Carlisle and Esmé. They gave them to me for my birthday last year."  
  
He didn't seem surprised. "Was it their idea that we go last weekend?"  
  
"No, it was… Edward's…" The other shoe dropped. "This has to do with why you wanted me to get out of town, doesn't it?" I asked, turning on Edward. "Dammit, Edward, I  _knew_ there was something going on!"  
  
He kept on shaking his head, still directing a meaningful look at Jacob, but Jacob didn't have the ability to read non-werewolf minds and wouldn't have obliged Edward if he did. "He was trying to keep you safe," he said with a derisive snort. "From the red-headed female leech."  
  
"Victoria?" I gasped. My legs turned to jelly beneath me. I bent over, trying to catch a breath as my chest constricted painfully.  
  
"Shit," Jacob said, and then I felt his hand under my elbow, keeping me from falling.  
  
Edward, supporting my other side, snarled. "Nice going, mongrel."  
  
"It's your fucking stupid ideas about what she can handle that keep her in the dark about stuff that she needs to know. Hell, that _I_ need to know! You don't think I would have been twice as careful if you would've bothered to let me in on the fact that there was an active threat?"  
  
I squeezed my eyes shut. "Don't…" I gasped in another breath. "Fight!" I could feel Jacob's hand trembling even with its grip on me. If he lost control in front of all these people, the damage to his life would be terrible.  
  
"Bella, can I get you anything?" Edward asked. "Do you need some water?"  
  
I forced myself to straighten, although the pain in my chest was still awful. I glared at him. "No, Edward, I don't need water, I need  _answers_. Will you please, for the love of God, tell me what is going on?"  
  
He hesitated, then under the combined power of Jacob's and my stares, nodded. "Yes. Victoria made an attempt, this weekend, for you."  
  
"That's what Alice saw at lunch the other day," I realized.  
  
"Right. When she saw it coming, I knew we had to get you out of the picture temporarily so we could focus on taking out Victoria."  
  
"Yeah. I got that. What I don't understand is how Emmett ended up on the tribe's land."  
  
"Victoria's… very wily. She wove in and out of the treaty boundaries as she ran from us. Even I couldn't catch her."  
  
I absorbed that information. Of all the Cullens, Edward was the fastest. The fact that Victoria could outrun him was disturbing to say the least.  
  
"In the heat of the chase, Emmett got a little carried away. He crossed over the line while he closed in on her." A slight smile curled his lips. "Paul took issue with his trespassing."  
  
"He doesn't have the  _right_ to chase her onto our land," Jacob ground out.  
  
Edward jerked his head around to glower back at Jacob. "If Paul hadn't wasted time making pointless attempts for Emmett, we might have been able to catch a vampire who's an actual danger to the humans in this area, unlike my family."  
  
Jacob wasn't buying it. "Whatever. You've been warned for the last time. Pass it on to the Cullen flea circus."  
  
Both boys turned to look at the walkway just before I heard adult shoes approaching. The assistant principal hurried over with a walkie-talkie in hand, directing a cautiously suspicious stare at Jacob. "Gentlemen? Do we have a problem here?" he called.  
  
Edward stepped toward him and began smoothing over the situation. Out of nowhere, I felt calm and peace bloom into the core of my being. Looking around, I saw Jasper at the top of the outside steps, gazing down at us.  _Thanks_ , I mouthed at him. He nodded in acknowledgement and headed through the doors.  
  
Jacob dropped my elbow and began to walk away. "No, wait, Jake! Stop!" I grabbed the hem of his shirt.  
  
"What do you want, Bella?" he demanded. Apparently Jasper's abilities could only do so much. At least Jacob was talking to me.  
  
I opened my mouth to say something, anything that would make him stay, but what came out was, "Why didn't you answer my texts last night?"  
  
His eyebrows furrowed. "You texted me?" He pulled out his phone and looked at it, then said, "Oh. I had it on airplane mode yesterday and I never turned it back to normal. Hope nobody else tried to get in touch." He tapped the screen a couple of times. The phone chimed as it came back online. Within a few seconds, it began to beep over and over and over again. "Holy shit." Jacob looked at me. "How many times did you—"  
  
"I don't know, it's not like I was counting them," I interrupted, feeling myself turn beet-red. At least I knew he hadn't been deliberately ignoring me. Now all I had to do was find a quiet corner to die of embarrassment. "Okay. I'm gonna go now." I let my hand fall from his shirt. "Call me later, all right?"  
  
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the assistant principal said. I looked at Jacob, trying to understand the big issue here, and almost laughed as it dawned on me. Of course. He didn't see my Jacob, he just saw a huge guy with brown skin and an attitude problem to go with the motorcycle. What an idiot.  
  
Jacob seemed to realize the same thing. He gave a sarcastic salute and walked to straddle his bike. "I  _will_  call you," he said to me, before zooming out of the parking lot.  
  
Edward walked to stand in front of me. I glowered at him. "You are such an incredible jerk. I'm serious. You're—you're—" Words failed me for a second, then I finally got out, "What even gives you the  _right?_ "  
  
His expression was utterly unrepentant. "I'm only keeping you safe, Bella."  
  
I stomped my foot and instantly regretted the childish action. Too late to take it back now, though. "That excuse is getting  _really old,_  Edward. Maybe I'd rather die than have you keep me safe if keeping me safe means I never get to make any decisions for myself. At least Jacob tells me what I need to know instead of sticking to some half-assed ideas from the last century about what my poor female mind can handle! You do realize that the whole idea of excessive education leading to brain fever was a myth, right, Dr. Cullen? Maybe you should go back to university and major in Women's Studies this time around!"  
  
He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead. I looked around and saw that people had stopped to stare. Alice appeared at my side and put her arm around my waist. "Bella, let's go. The bell's about to ring."  
  
"And you!" I spun around to face her down. "How could you do this to me, Alice? Why do you keep telling Edward what I'm going to do so that he can stop me? It's so wrong! I thought you were my friend!"  
  
She raised her hands as if I had her at gunpoint, not that doing so would put her in any danger. "It's not my fault, Bella. I didn't tell him, he reached into my head and plucked it out." Her voice softened. "I keep a watch on you the way I do all of my family."  
  
Oh, God, I hated arguing so much. It made my knees weak and my breath hitch and my voice go all shaky. Now, however, it was as if a dam had burst. Tears dripped from my eyes as I said, "Well, I'm not your family. Edward's made damn sure of that. And if me being friends with you makes it easier for my ex-boyfriend to figure out where I'll be so that he can mess up my life some more, then maybe we shouldn't be friends either. Werewolf or not, Jacob was there when you—all of you—left me like I was road kill. He turned out to be a lot safer for me than you were." I turned back to Edward. "If you screw that up for me, too, I'll never, ever forgive you—"  
  
The last word cracked into a sob, and to my horror I realized I was about to completely lose it in front of the whole school. I covered my face with my hands and dashed inside to the nearest bathroom, locking myself into the farthest stall from the door. I leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor, and I cried until I was left dry heaving against my knees. Outside, the bells rang and the halls cleared out until the only sound was an occasional click of high heels as a teacher walked by. My stomach hurt from the force of my grief; my eyes were practically swollen shut.  
  
I grabbed some toilet paper and blew my nose, trying to figure out if I should sign myself in tardy or just call Charlie and ask him to pick me up, when my phone buzzed in my front pocket. Pulling it out, I saw that I had a new text message from Jacob.  
  
 _Bells. I'm sorry. It's good enough. I never want to stop dealing with you.  
_  
Even while I read the message, a new one popped up in the conversation.  
  
 _Remember what I told you, at DFW? I still mean it. I can't help it._  
  
I gasped, and laughed with the sudden joy that burst like fireworks in my chest.  
  
Another new message.  
  
 _No matter how fucked up you are, I'm yours._  
  
I giggled, hugging my knees to my chest and reading it again. Okay. Okay. Now I could go to class. Before I put my phone away, I texted back,  _Can I come see you after school?_  
  
A moment, then,  _I'll be at home. Come soon_.  
  
I got up and went to the sink to wash my face. I looked in the mirror, and saw the goofy smile still there, which was a bizarre contrast with the puffed-up red eyes. I didn't care, though. Everything was okay again.


	14. Bygones

I tried my best to concentrate in class, but it was a lost cause. I had to see Jacob—it was as if being with him in person would be the final seal on his forgiveness, even though I re-read his messages about ten times. During lunch, I retreated to the library, and either Alice successfully stopped watching me or Edward had gotten a clue, because I spent the half-hour alone, hunched over homework from the morning classes.

The instant the last bell rang, though, I remembered: no truck. I stood on the steps, debating what to do, while other kids flowed around me in their haste to get out of there. Something cold bumped my shoulder. I half-turned to see Alice dance in front of me.

"I know what you're about to do," she said, eyes big with apprehension. "I hate when you evaporate like that; I don't think you understand how scary it is for me."

I felt sorry for her, but, that was the way everybody else on the planet lived. "Are you going to stop me?" If she wanted to keep me here, she could. There was nothing I could do about vampire speed combined with the ability to see the future.

She bit her lip, then shook her head no. "I think it would backfire. Every time I decide to do it, you vanish even longer. I think he's going to come get you if you don't come to him." She gave me an impish smile. "If I keep this up, I may be able to guess what's going to happen just from the lengths of the blank spaces. Come on. I might as well give you a ride; at least I know I can keep you safe to the treaty line."

I hesitated. "What about Edward?"

She waved a hand in dismissal. "I kicked him out of my head; by the way, do you know how hard it is to do Sanskrit declensions for an hour and a half? He's…" Her eyes went blank for a second, then re-focused. "He's at home now. Playing piano." She put a gentle arm around my waist. "Let me show you my new baby."

We walked about a half a block away, and there sat a shiny yellow Porsche identical to the one she'd stolen in Italy.

"Oh my God, Alice!" I ran to the car and climbed in. "I didn't notice how nice it is last time. Edward really got it for you! What happened to keeping a low profile, though?" Running an appreciative hand over the interior, I looked at her, standing in the open door, and was surprised to see a look of sadness on her pixie face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She climbed in and started the engine. "I just wish predicting the future were an exact science, that's all."

I patted her hand. "I'm sorry. I thought things were going to turn out differently too."

She sniffed. "The future's not written in stone, Bella. I still see you as a vampire in some scenarios."

I waited for her to elaborate. When the silence stretched out, I finally prompted, "And what about the others?"

She shook her head, mouth thinned. For a second I didn't think she would answer, but at last she replied, "You disappear."

I leaned back against the leather seat. I couldn't pretend I didn't understand what that meant. I pulled out my phone and texted to Jacob, Meet me at the treaty line. I'm on my way.

Almost instantaneously, he replied, I'll be there.

Alice seemed determined not to let the ten-minute—thanks to her lead foot—drive go by in silence, so she chattered about Jasper and Emmett's latest hunting expedition, and how she'd found the most amazing purses by seeing a magazine spread about the designer in the future, and all about Carlisle's latest battle with hospital administration over patient treatment. All I had to do was listen and respond with "cool," and "wow," every once in a while. Once I knew we were close, though, I couldn't even do that much. I stared out the windshield and jiggled my legs in anticipation until I felt ice on my forearm. Looking over, I saw that Alice's face was completely serious.

"Bella, I know you think he's safe for you, but nothing about werewolves is safe, especially the young ones." She lifted the hand she'd touched me with, staving off my protest. "Just… please promise me that if you see him start to get angry, you'll run and call me. Please."

"Yeah, sure, fine," I agreed, but I would have said anything because I could see Jake, fully clothed for once, standing next to his motorcycle and waiting for me. Alice did a fancy driving move like something out of Fast and Furious, screeching to a halt after drifting sideways about fifty feet. "Show-off," I teased her.

She grinned, light-heartedness restored to her countenance. "I had to remind you that some of us don't treat you like you're made of china. You're my friend, Bella—my only human friend. I love you."

I hugged her over the center console. "I love you too, Alice. I don't want to let Edward mess with that." I hopped out onto the shoulder and grabbed my backpack without waiting for her reply, waving good-bye as she peeled out with as much fanfare as possible.

Before I could turn, I felt Jacob's arms close around me from behind. I dropped my bag, spun in his embrace and threw my arms around his neck. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I chanted, pressing my cheek against his shoulder as he lifted me off the ground. He buried his face in my hair, vampire smell and all, and held me tight. I felt an internal click, like the tumblers of a lock: my heart, righting itself from the malaise of being at odds with him.

At last, he set me down on my own feet and cradled my face between his hands. "Hey."

"Hey," I replied, curling my fingers around his wrists.

We stood there grinning at each other like idiots for I don't know how long, until he lifted his head and dropped his hands, saying, "I'm sorry too. Did I tell you that? Let's go." We ran to the bike; he tossed me a helmet. As I slid it onto my head, he asked, "How much homework do you have?"

I shrugged. "Not much. We can just hang out at your place if you want." I straddled the seat behind him and leaned into his back as he pulled onto the road, pressing as much of my body to his as I could, as though I could store up his heat against the next separation.

Once we were at his house, Jacob grabbed enough food to feed a small army and carried it out to where I waited in the garage. "I bet you haven't eaten all day," he said, setting it all down in front of me.

I grabbed an apple and a Coke and took a huge bite. "I had a Pop-Tart for breakfast. Well, half of one," I admitted around the mouthful." How'd you know?"

He ruffled my hair; I jerked back with a muffled exclamation of annoyance. Ignoring that, he answered, "Because you never eat when you're upset, which is dumb by the way, and I could tell you were really upset this morning." He pointed at my hand. "See? Dumb."

I looked down. The apple was gone—I'd eaten the whole thing in less than a minute. "God. I'm starving."

"Here—have a granola bar." He ripped the package open for me, and then stood up to lean over the Rabbit. "I was just changing the oil when you texted me."

"Do you even go to school anymore?" I took a huge bite as he reached under the hood and unscrewed a cap, then laid it down.

"Sometimes." He lay on his back and scooted under the car. "For some reason the tribal council seems to think protecting our land from vampires is more important than me learning about the Pythagorean theorem." He reached up and began unscrewing the drain bolt from the oil pan with one hand, poising a funnel with the other underneath.

Swallowing, I asked, "Seen any vampires lately?"

"Not the kind I get to rip apart. If I'd been here last weekend, maybe. But the other guys took care of it fine." The oil gushed out; he caught the bolt in the funnel and carefully laid it aside, then angled out from under the car again.

"Is everybody okay?" Even though I knew—I knew—they'd killed Laurent almost effortlessly, the thought of a bunch of teenagers going up against the most fearsome opponent I could imagine terrified me.

He snorted, rubbing off some of the oil with a rag and then reached under the hood again, fiddling with something else. After he dealt with whatever it was, he sat down. "Yeah. Vampires aren't the problem around here lately."

"What's wrong?" Finished with the granola bar, I tossed the wrapper into the nearby trash can and crawled next to where he sat on the ground.

He took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. His fingers left grease marks on his skin. "It's… it's Quil."

"He seemed okay at the airport yesterday."

"Yeah, he's fine. Mostly. It's just that Emily's really pissed at him."

I tried to picture that and couldn't. Usually Emily doted on the werewolves like an infatuated aunt. "What'd he do?"

"He didn't do anything. It's not his fault. He can't help it."

I wrinkled my nose in confusion. "Oh-kay. So, what's she mad about?"

Jacob looked down, drumming his fist on the ground nervously, and made a noise of total frustration. "I know as soon as I say it, you're going to freak out. I freaked out. It's really weird."

"Oh my God, Jake, will you just spit it out already?"

"Fine." He lifted his face and looked me straight in the eye. "Quil imprinted on Emily's niece Claire. Who's two."

I jumped to my feet in sheer horror. "Gross! That's disgusting!"

Jacob got to his feet too, pleading, "Bella, wait, let me explain—"

"There's nothing to explain! Quil's a pervert, the end! Somebody should be reporting him to Child Protective Services, not making excuses for him! I mean, does this little girl's mother know about this?"

"Of course not." Jacob shrugged uncomfortably. "We can't tell her anything about werewolves, including imprinting. Which is totally not romantic or sexual for Quil."

My rant stalled out at that. "What the hell do you mean, it's not romantic or sexual? What is it, then? And please, for the love of God, tell me it's not biological. Because that's even worse."

"Can you please sit down?" He lowered himself down to the ground again. After a minute, I sat down, knee-to-knee with him. "It's really, really not what you think. I swear."

"Then what is it, Jake?" I wanted to understand; I definitely didn't want Quil, who'd always been nice to me, to be a pedophile.

He sighed. "It's… I've been inside his head, okay? So I know for sure. He doesn't think about her that way, not at all."

I nodded. "Okay. So tell me how he does think about her."

"He's like… a big brother. But like the best big brother ever—he never gets tired of playing dumbass toddler games with her, he never gets sick of answering 'why' a thousand times in a row, he always is ready to re-tie her shoes or wipe her nose or pick up the toy she just dropped for the tenth time in five minutes. Have you ever been around new parents, and they can't stop talking about the baby's sleeping, the baby's eating, the baby's diapers and all that stuff?" I nodded. Jacob shrugged. "He's that kind of fascinated with her, times a hundred. He wants what's best for her more than anything in the world. He wants it as bad as if she were his kid—more, maybe, because her parents have to think about themselves and what they need, too. He can't do that. Claire's always going to come first."

I drew my knees up to my chin and sat in silence. After a moment, I asked, "How does imprinting work on Claire? Or Emily?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I mean, I know that Emily felt connected to Sam from when he imprinted on her, but she tried to fight it because of Leah. Claire cries when her mom takes her away from Quil, and Emily said she talks in her sleep about him now."

I shuddered. "Oh man. That's really kind of creepy."

Jacob lay back on a tarp spread across the ground, both arms under his head, and glumly stared at the ceiling. "No shit. You know, if he's away from her for too long, it starts to hurt him? Like, physical pain kind of hurt. We were out last night for hours, trying to pick up the red-head's scent, and towards dawn he almost couldn't answer if I tried to talk to him. He was distracted, wondering if Claire was awake yet, and then all of a sudden his muscles froze up. Like his body wouldn't let him take one more step away from her. I think the only reason he could make it to the airport yesterday was because Sam told him to go."

"That sounds awful." I inched over to drape myself across his chest, leaning my elbow on one of his shoulders and propping my head on my hand. "And there's no way for him to get rid of it?"

"If there is, we haven't figured it out yet. He's fighting it as hard as he can, but I don't know how long he's gonna last."

"Is he going to fall in love with her when she grows up, like Sam is with Emily? I mean, what does imprinting consider grown up, even?" I thought about the many different ways the animal world defined maturity, ways that were different from human ideas about statutory offenses, and felt revolted all over again.

"Nobody knows what the hell is going to happen." He huffed out an exasperated sigh, closing his eyes.

"I'm really sorry. That's got to be weird for all of you guys. No wonder Emily's upset."

"Yeah. This whole wolf thing is one big cluster fuck that nobody can control. It's like whatever gene or… thing that makes it happen is so damn determined to make us into a pack that it takes away some of our, I don't know, our humanity or something. All the choices that normal people get? Like to not turn into an animal? Or choose your soul mate with your heart and your head? To disobey if your leader gives you an order you don't agree with? Gone. It sucks."

I patted his shoulder with the hand I wasn't resting on; he sighed. Silence fell, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Outside, rain began to fall. I looked at him, enjoying the view—ever since I'd broken up with Edward I'd been able to notice how good-looking other boys were, but Jacob left them all in the dust. He turned his head to look at me, and his eyes softened as they focused on my face. For an instant, his defenses dropped; naked love dawned on his features. I caught my breath.

I'd always valued my ability to hide what I thought and felt. It'd been a welcome defense against a world that often seemed overwhelming—at least I had power over what others knew about my internal life. Jacob was the complete opposite. He was so brave, to the point of insanity; he kept throwing his feelings into the void I'd presented on the chance that someday they'd be returned. Seeing it there made me wish I could be sure of how I felt toward him. After our fight, I knew he meant more to me than a best friend, but… Was there an in-between step between friends and in-love? I didn't know. All I knew was that I wanted him.

"Bells," he whispered, "I want to kiss you, but I don't want to get grease all over you."

Finally. "I can manage," I murmured. I put my hands on his shoulders, lifting myself to press my mouth to his. He smiled against my lips and then kissed me back, and Edward's specter, which had returned the minute I'd left the reservation last time, disapparated from my soul, taking the semi-permanent heartache with him. No telling how long it would last, but I was grateful for any respite.

I ran my tongue over Jacob's mouth, urging it open, and he obeyed, making a sound in the back of his throat—appreciation, encouragement, longing. Just knowing the effect I had on him made me shiver and press myself closer, the way I'd been wanting to for what seemed like forever.

"God," he groaned under my mouth after a minute, still being careful to keep his arms folded away from me. "Do you know how hard it is not to put my hands on you?"

"I think… I do," I whispered in between kisses. The truth was, I liked it. Edward had always been in control of any physical interactions between us—because he'd had to be, because he was dangerous, in his opinion anyway. This was exciting precisely because it was so different. Stop thinking about him, I ordered myself, and then Jacob sucked on my bottom lip and I stopped thinking altogether. When I did this with him, my body turned into the total of myself.

Bracing myself on his chest, I slid one leg over his torso to straddle him and bent down, holding his face between my hands and kissing him as deeply as I could, breaking off only when my head started getting light from lack of oxygen. I couldn't stand the idea of pulling away entirely, though, so instead I kissed his chin, his jaw, his neck. When I touched my tongue to the juncture of his neck and shoulder, his whole body shuddered as he sucked air in between his teeth. I smiled and did it again, pulling up his shirt and running my hands up to his chest at the same time. God, he felt so good.

He turned his head and nipped my ear, breathing hard. "That's just cruel." I giggled and worked my way back to his mouth, loving the way I'd made his whole body strain toward mine. He jolted up onto his elbows, kissing me back as hard as he could with no leverage, and I leaned into him, forgetting about grease or anything else but the heat between us that made me tremble.

"Whoa. Nice, Jake," said a voice from the doorway.

I yelped and tumbled off of Jacob, landing sideways on my palm and twisting my wrist. "Ow!"

More slowly, Jacob sat up, glaring at Embry, who stood with his hands in his pockets and a huge grin on his face. "What do you want, Embry?"

His friend laughed. "Nothing. I mean, I was stopping by to check on you; I didn't expect to see you working on Bella instead of the car."

First exposure through telepathy, now this. I almost couldn't decide which was worse. Cradling my wrist in my other hand, I muttered, "Shut up, Embry."

"Yeah, shut up, Embry," Jake echoed, looming to his feet. It sounded a lot more menacing when he said it.

Embry didn't seem intimidated in the least, though. "Hey, man, I'm just glad to see you two are on speaking terms again. Last night you nearly drove us all nuts with the obsessing."

Obsessing.

The word triggered an idea I hadn't thought to pursue before. I sat, trying to figure it out, while Jacob threatened Embry's life and limbs until Embry retreated, chortling, into the rain.

"Sorry," Jacob said, coming back to sit next to me. Noticing my expression, he asked, "What's wrong, Bells? Is it because he caught us like that?"

I shook my head. I'd mostly given up worrying about the pack knowing everything I did with Jacob. "No… It's just…" I didn't want to say it, but I had to. "What if… what happens if you imprint on someone else, Jake?" He jerked back as if I'd slapped him. I didn't want to hurt him, but the prospect was making me feel sicker by the second. "You said… you said Sam was in love with Leah, and she loved him, right?" He nodded slowly. I continued, "And then he imprinted on Emily. Did that mean he was in love with Emily? Right from then?"

"Yeah," Jacob replied, his voice hoarse.

"From the first moment he saw her?"

"Yeah. Well, first moment he saw her after he phased for the first time."

"So if it—imprinting—was going to happen with you and me, it already would have." He nodded again. I swallowed down nausea. "Does that mean that even if you're in love with me, that someday you could meet your own Preschooler of Destiny and stop caring about me?"

"That couldn't happen," he whispered, but he'd gone pale under the brown of his skin.

"It has to Sam and Quil, hasn't it?" Something flickered behind his eyes. "What?"

"Sam and Quil… they're not the only ones. Jared imprinted too, on a girl in our class he'd never noticed before. Her name's Kim."

"Oh my God," I whimpered. I wrapped my arms around myself to try and stop the shivering, but there was no comfort in my own embrace. "So maybe it's just a matter of time?"

"No! No, Bells." He reached for me and remembered the grease covering his hands at the last second. Grabbing a rag and wiping them clean, he repeated, "No. It's not going to happen."

"You can't know that." I hunched into him as he put his arm around me, unable to pull away even now that I knew I should—now, fast, while I still had a chance.

"I can! Listen, I don't know what happened with Sam and Leah. I know they say they were in love but maybe they weren't. Sam doesn't even remember how it felt before Emily, and Leah's careful to not let the rest of us see anything about how she was before. Maybe Leah loved him and he just really liked her. Maybe he loved her but wasn't in love with her. I don't know. But I am not gonna believe that the way I feel about you can be erased by some Goddamned freak show instinctive hook-up."

I could feel my throat getting clogged with fear and grief. Jeez, I'd cried more in the past few days than I had in months. "Jake. What if you just can't help it? Like Quil and, for God's sake, a two-year-old? You think on some level he wanted to bond with a toddler like that? Because I can't believe it."

He thought about it, then said in a voice heavy with defeat, "No. I don't think so either."

He made to let go of me, but I whispered "No," and pressed harder into him, so instead he lifted me into his lap. I tucked my head down and wrapped my arms around him, listening to his heart pound against my ear, wondering how long it would beat for me.


	15. Memory

We finally worked on our homework; Jacob had much more than I did to complete. His teachers apparently didn't share his nonchalant attitude toward attendance. When I'd finished my share, I helped him with his geometry lessons to drown out the mental loop of  _He loves me. He'll leave me too._ There were five chapters to do, and by the time that was completed it had grown dark outside and he was yawning so often he almost couldn't talk.  
  
"Hey." I put my hand over his, stopping his pencil. "I think maybe we should quit. You're exhausted."  
  
"Sure, sure," he muttered, staring with brows furrowed at the opened page in front of him, and yawned again.  
  
"Jake." The note in my voice cut through his haze. He looked up.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You need to eat and go to bed." I didn't want to be bossy, but if he was allowed to act like a mother hen then so was I.  
  
Jacob opened his mouth to answer and yawned instead. I giggled. "Some of us were out all night trying to protect you puny humans from the leech threat, Bells." He yanked gently on a strand of my hair.  
  
I batted him away from me and smoothed my hair again. "I've got to go home too. Mike's mom finally gave me more hours tomorrow, even though she's not too thrilled with all the days off I've been requesting. I need to get some rest."  
  
"I'll give you a ride." He climbed to his feet and couldn't suppress a weary sigh. For a second, he looked even older than he normally did—too many adult-level worries on his usually sunny face.  
  
"I bet you won't have to." He gave me a questioning glance as I rose; I clarified, "If you take me to the treaty line, I'm pretty sure Alice will be there. She's worried about me."  
  
Instantly, his expression clouded over into a scowl. "I don't want you with her."  
  
"It's okay, Jake. I promise." I stepped closer and rubbed his arm, which had grown taut. "She's my friend. She's not doing anything for Edward."  _Pop_. There he was again, but I spoke past the hurt. "I'm not going to drop her from my life, any more than I'd drop you."  
  
I could see the internal battle play out on his face as I leaned on his arm. Trust me, or not. Believe I meant what I said, or not. Let me make my own decisions, or not. After a minute, he nodded. "Okay. Let's just go there and see if she's shown up."  
  
We got into the car—oil change complete—and took off for the boundary. I watched Jacob in the dim light from the dash as we drove, trying to figure out when he'd gone from sort of cute, puppy-ish little brother figure to a guy I could look up to and admire as an equal.  
  
"Everything okay?" he asked, shifting gears.  
  
"Yeah. I just… You're so cool." I shrugged, unable to find a way to put it that wouldn't leave me totally exposed.  
  
That got a smile out of him for the first time since the imprinting discussion. "You're pretty awesome yourself, Bells." He moved his hand from the gearshift to cover my own in my lap.  
  
As we drew up to that certain point in the road, sure enough, the Porsche was waiting. Jacob's lips pressed together in a thin line, but he didn't say anything. He pulled to the shoulder and looked at me. "When can we hang out again?"  
  
I thought about it. "Well, I've got work tomorrow, the next night, and the next night, and Saturday daytime. I have therapy during the day Wednesday, so more missed class work. Plus, I have a book report due on Friday. I'd better not come up till Sunday." My voice turned hollow at the last few words even though I tried to be casual.  
  
Jacob didn't like it anymore than I did. He sat back, hard, and stared out the windshield at the Porsche's parking lights. "That sucks."  
  
"Yeah." I unbuckled my seatbelt and picked up my bag, but he looked sad, so I dropped it and rose up on my knees to touch him. "Hey." I cradled his face between my hands, turning it toward me. "I'll text you?" He nodded, lifting one hand to press against mine. I leaned to kiss his cheek and smiled into his eyes. "Try not to imprint on any infants while I'm gone, okay? No hospital nurseries for you."  
  
"That's not funny," he said, but I could tell he was trying not to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of the idea.  
  
I chuckled and opened the door. "Talk to you soon." He waited until I got to the door of the Porsche, then made a U-turn and drove away.  
  
Sighing, I sat in the car and then nearly jumped out of my skin when Edward said, "Where have you  _been_?"  
  
"Oh my God!" I gasped, flinging myself back against the car door. "What the hell, Edward? I thought you were Alice!"  
  
He grimaced. "She wanted to come, but I'm faster."  
  
I stared at him in disbelief. "Do you realize how completely psycho you're being?" I pulled the seatbelt down and clicked it into the buckle. "Well, drive, then. I need to get home."  
  
He put the car in gear and pulled onto the road. "Bella." I folded my arms and sat, unresponsive. The people on the radio talked about the Seattle killings—more people getting slaughtered. Great. He reached over and flipped the dial off. "I understand that you're angry."  
  
"Yes, Edward." I dropped my arms and turned on him. "I'm pretty sure a brain-damaged monkey could understand that I'm angry right now. The question is, do you understand why? Do you agree that I have a right to be?"  
  
"I do understand why, and you have every right to your emotions." The passing streetlights gilded his hair and illuminated the flawlessness of his skin, but for once I was unmoved by the sight. "However, I can't say I regret my actions."  
  
I grabbed my hair and bent down to my knees, giving a muffled scream of pure frustration. Okay. That was better.  
  
"You used to be less emotional," he commented with the slightest hint of distaste.  
  
Sitting up, I shoved my hair out of the way and glared at him again. "What makes you think that you can treat me this way? Jasper doesn't treat Alice this way, Carlisle doesn't treat Esmé this way, and Emmett sure as hell doesn't treat Rosalie this way, so what in God's name makes you think any of this hiding stuff from me and taking my engine and interfering with my relationship with Jacob is okay?"  
  
His face was blank with incomprehension. "None of the women in my family are humans. None of them are as breakable or inexperienced as you."  
  
I laughed humorlessly as it dawned on me. "Oh my God. You're—you're—" I groped for a term and settled for making one up. "You're a speciesist!"  
  
He creased his eyebrows, but he didn't pretend to misunderstand. "Don't be foolish, Bella."  
  
"No, you are! You think that because I'm weaker, younger, and a human, that you have the right to tell me what to do. You think that being a  _vampire_ gives you some sort of superiority as a person." I thought back. "Remember that one time when you sent Alice to my house for my keys? Or when you hid my CD and the gifts and my pictures of you before you left?"  
  
"Yes," he replied.  
  
"I didn't give you permission to do that, you both just did it. Would you have ever done that sort of thing to another vampire? Invaded their territory, taken what you needed? Hidden stuff that belonged to them?"  
  
Edward shook his head. "Of course not. But that's different."  
  
"No, it's not, Edward. Or I guess it is, because what's different is that normally no human would be able to tell you'd been there. So really, what makes it right to you guys is that you won't get caught. No harm, no foul, right?" I waited for a reply, but none came. "Or how about when you were watching me sleep, before I knew?"  
  
"Don't pretend you weren't flattered. I saw it on your face when I told you about it."  
  
"I was!" I agreed, to his apparent surprise. "I absolutely was flattered, because I was so naive that I thought that you taking an interest in me justified whatever you did because of that interest!"  
  
Now he was a little angry. "I think you might have had too much therapy."  
  
"Yeah, well, if you hadn't dumped my ass and taken off for parts unknown while I got so crazy that I started wrecking motorcycles just so I could hear your voice—"  
  
" _What?_ " he gasped, turning to me in horror.  
  
I ignored that to finish. "—Then maybe I would still be flattered and amazed by anything you did. But you're the one who made sure Charlie'd take me to Teresita."  
  
He was still stuck on the first part of what I'd said. "Bella, you—you—did you say that—"  
  
"Oh." I blushed so deeply I could feel the heat spread up from my chest. "Um. Yeah." I looked down and fiddled with a loose thread on my shirt. "It's really dumb. I found out that… when I was doing something dangerous, or stupid, I could… hear your voice. It was so clear, because I think the angriest you ever get is when you're trying to protect me."  
  
His words came out sounding as if they were choking him. "You… were… risking your life… to hear—"  
  
"Yeah." I lifted my head, defiant again. "I was. You want to know why I've changed? It's because I had to, while you were gone, or I would never be able to really live again. You're right about one thing—I'm not a vampire. I adapt. I grow. I'm not set in stone. You 'protecting' me has had way worse consequences than if you'd stepped back and let things take their course. Remember the birthday party? If you hadn't thrown me out of Jasper's way, I wouldn't have had glass embedded in my arm and needed stitches. Emmett and Carlisle would've caught him before he got to me even if you hadn't moved me. Hell,  _Alice_ would have caught him. The worst that would have happened to me would have been a paper cut." I waited, but he stayed silent. "And if you hadn't freaked and insisted that your whole family abandon me…" I had to stop and clear my throat. After a second, I continued. "We'd still be together. I never would have thrown myself off that cliff. And the Volturi wouldn't know I exist. Now, if I don't get changed—"  
  
"If?" he questioned, too fast.  
  
I waved my hand irritably. "Alice says it's still a possibility. But if it doesn't happen, then what the hell am I gonna do? Is Jane going to come here and Taser you with her mind-ray until Felix is done making me into dinner?"  
  
"That will never happen." The statement was absolute. "Alice and I won't allow it."  
  
"You couldn't do much to stop things back in Italy."  
  
"Next time, we'll see them coming. If there is a next time." We sat in silence for a moment, then, "May I ask you something?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"If you were doing dangerous things… to hallucinate my voice… and then Charlie took you to see Teresita, why did you jump off the cliff after you'd begun therapy?"  
  
I closed my eyes, not wanting to reply. I hadn't seen that one coming, although of course I should have. There was nothing to do but be honest, though. I thought for a minute. How to explain?  
  
Surely I'd read enough books to tell such a simple story. After I'd put the narrative together in my mind, I lowered my head and stared at my hands while I spoke, trying to get it over with as quickly as possible. "I'd hung out with Jake the day before. And the rest of the pack. They were keeping me on the reservation for my own protection during spring break. I helped Emily, Sam's fiancée; we got her house ready for them to come over for lunch. I saw the way she and Sam were together, how much they love each other, and it didn't hurt me anymore; it made me hopeful. I went for a walk on the beach and watched the waves against the rocks, and I noticed the smell of the sea air for the first time since you'd left, because my senses were starting to work again …"  
  
I sounded dreamy even to my own ears; the memory was so strong that it took me out of the present. "Jacob came to find me, and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, so warm that he chased the cold right out of my body, and I looked at him and I thought, 'Maybe I could do this. Maybe I could love him.' Because he loved me already, even when I was so broken and couldn't hold my shape together. That's when I realized it."  
  
"What did you realize?" Edward asked in a whisper.  
  
"I realized… that for hours, I hadn't thought of you. I had been able to breathe without pain for days, and my heart was back in my chest where it belonged, and I hadn't even noticed when it came back. I had betrayed us. And just like that, my lungs disappeared. My heart ripped itself away. I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was dying. I could only curl up in a ball; he had to carry me back to his house."  
  
Edward made a pained sound; I glanced up to see his face twisted in anguish. I couldn't let that stop me, though. He needed to know what he'd put me through.  
  
"Jacob was scared. He didn't want to leave me the next day, but he had to; the pack needed to hunt for a vampire. While he was gone chasing Victoria, I made my way to the cliffs. I was terrified that I had forgotten the sound of your voice.  
  
"When I got there, I heard you speak, and it was so real, so close. 'Bella,' you said. 'Don't do this. Please. For me.' And instead of comforting me, for the first time, it made me angry. I reminded you, 'You won't stay with me any other way!' You whispered, 'Please.' I stood there on the edge, in the pouring rain, and I told you, 'I'm through doing things for you.'" I shrugged. "So I jumped, and I would have died. But just like always, Jake was there, and he saved me from myself."  
  
He made a harsh noise, then another exactly the same, and another. I peered at him, trying to figure out what was going on. His features had assumed the essence of sorrow, purified into marble form.  _He's crying,_  I realized as a shaft of pure shock lanced through me. This was what weeping looked like when the grieving produced no tears. He pulled over to the side of the road, but instead of hunching over or covering his face like a man would have, he froze in place, still sobbing. It was bizarre, heartbreaking, and completely unexpected.  
  
I froze, too, but it was the normal human stasis of indecision that held me in place. Finally, though, I broke free and reached out to him. I was incapable of watching anyone suffer so much and not offer what comfort I could, even if he didn't deserve it. "Shush," I murmured, running my hand through his hair and down his cheek. "Shush. I'm okay now. I'm all right. We're both all right."  
  
He shook his head after a minute or two. "I'm not certain I'll ever be all right again, Bella." The silken voice had been scraped raw by misery.  
  
I could hear the sadness in my own voice when I answered, "I don't think 'all right' is always the same as 'the way we used to be.'"  
  
"It can't be, in my case at least." He pulled back onto the road. We were already at the outskirts of town. I let my hand fall to his arm and kept it there for the remainder of the drive. When we pulled up to my house, I moved to lift my backpack, but he stopped me. "Carlisle wanted me to ask you if you'd be willing to visit. He said to tell you he meant what he said to you on the phone."  
  
I considered the possibility. "What do you think? Will it be too weird?"  
  
"Bella." His lips were still drawn down, deep lines of grief and pain that sat oddly on the youthful countenance. No one who looked so young should know such dreadful desolation. "I've already taken so much from you. I don't want to take my family, too. Not again."  
  
"Are they mad at me for breaking up with you?"  
  
"No. Not even the slightest bit. Alice is very disappointed, but she's not angry."  
  
I knew he could be certain of his perceptions in that, at least. After a moment, I said, "I'll come out Friday night." I tilted my head, examining his eyes. "Are you going to be okay?"  
  
"Are you ever going to be able to forgive me?" he asked in return.  
  
That was simple. "Yes. Now that you've asked. Maybe if you hadn't, even, for my own sake." I caressed the perfection of his face again, and then leaned to kiss him good-bye. For the first time since he'd come back, touching him didn't make my heart's pain worse. In some ways, I felt I loved him more now, since I had put aside the illusion of his infallibility. It wasn't the same sort of love it once had been—the type of love that nearly killed me when its object departed. It was more wistful than that, and more pragmatic: a what-may-have-been instead of a what-may-be. I felt the ties that bound our souls together loosening—not quite free yet, but almost there.  
  
For now, though, he was hurting, and letting me see it far more than he'd ever allowed before. I'd learned during his absence that I wasn't responsible for others' happiness, but I still asked, "Does that make it easier?"  
  
He nodded. "In some ways, yes. In other ways, it makes acceptance even more difficult."  
  
I nodded; emotional duality had become a close friend of mine lately. "Okay. I'm going to go in now. See you at school tomorrow?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
I opened the door and hurried into the house.


	16. Flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Because I've modified Rosalie's backstory herein, this chapter contains a description of sexual assault.

Despite his assurances, I didn't see Edward at school, but I was too busy to really take note of the fact. The next few days were a blur of school, work, school, work, oh, and school work, plus my every-other-week session in therapy, which gave Teresita a satisfied smile rather than the furrowed forehead I'd left behind last time. By the time Friday night finally rolled around, I was ready to see anything besides school, work, and my own house, so when Alice pulled up in my driveway I already had the door open.  
  
"Bye, Dad!" I called over my shoulder. "I'll be back late."  
  
"Have fun. Don't get back together with Edward," he called glumly from his chair.  
  
I choked on a laugh and ran to the Volvo, slamming the door shut behind me.  
  
Along the way, Alice asked, "Have you eaten yet? We've been practicing making food lately."  
  
"I grabbed a banana after school, but I haven't had dinner," I replied. "Practicing making food? Really?"  
  
She shot a sideways smile my way, fishtailing around a corner with expert ease. "When you've got eternity to perfect any pursuit, every skill starts to seem worthwhile, Bella. Even the things that don't benefit you directly."  
  
"As long as it's not steak tartar," I teased.  
  
She breathed out a chuckle as she turned onto the Cullens' driveway. "No worries. We'll double check that everything's cooked. Oh, and don't worry about Edward. He and Jasper went hunting tonight."  
  
The instant I stepped through the front door, Emmett pounced, grabbing me and lifting me into one of the careful embraces I'd grown accustomed to before my birthday. I giggled and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Did you miss having a snack around the house, Emmett?"  
  
"Hell, no," he drawled, a grin lighting up his face. "I just wanted to make sure you hadn't gone bad while I was out of town." He made a big show of sniffing me. "Hm. Some lingering werewolf notes, but overall balanced, with a lovely bouquet and—" he hoisted me overhead while I gasped, "—very light-bodied."  
  
"Put her down, Emmett," Esmé chastised from behind him, a welcoming smile lighting her heart-shaped face. When he obeyed, she kissed my cheek. "I'm so happy you're here, Bella."  
  
"Me too," I replied, and to my surprise I only spoke the truth. "Oh!" Remembering something, I turned and put my hands on my hips to glare at Emmett. "Hey, jock vamp—I forgot I'm mad at you. You stole my engine! What the hell? Are you insane?"  
  
He shrugged. "Edward's the crazy one, not me. I just thought it'd be funny."  
  
I gave him a pissy look. "Yeah, it was hilarious when I had to get on the big yellow school bus, Emmett."  
  
Instead of him looking sorry, his dimples deepened with glee. "You  _rode_ the  _bus_? That rocks!" I growled in frustration, and he assumed a contrite expression. "I'm sorry, Bella. But you should be thanking me. It took Rose and me like  _ten minutes_  to clean that thing. That's how dirty it was."  
  
"Come with me into the dining room," Esmé interpolated before I could argue more. I followed her to the seldom-used table, where one perfect place setting awaited me.  
  
I smiled. "If I'm going to be the only one eating while the rest of you look at me, it's going to be really weird."  
  
"Not at all," Carlisle said, suddenly in the seat next to mine. I started, then rolled my eyes at myself. I should be used to vampires appearing out of thin air by now. "We won't stare, Bella. Except to be sure you really like what Rosalie and Alice have prepared."  
  
"Rosalie—" I started, jerking around, but she already stood beside me, plate in hand. I hadn't heard her coming, of course. I half expected her to slam the food down in front of me like a disgruntled diner waitress on her last day, but instead she offered a tentative smile and carefully set a Caesar salad on the table. I touched the plate's edge to move it closer; it had been chilled. They didn't miss a trick.  
  
"It's good to see you, Bella," Rosalie said. We hadn't spoken since the Cullens had met me at the airport following Edward's Italian escapade. She'd apologized, and seemed truly repentant, but this was the first sign I'd seen that she'd meant what she'd said.  
  
"Thank you for making dinner, Rosalie." I speared the salad with what I hoped was the right fork and dramatically lifted it to my mouth. Emmett guffawed while Rosalie walked to join him opposite me. "It's very good."  
  
"Oh, no, that's not the main course," Alice called from the kitchen. "I'm plating it now."  
  
She danced out before I'd gotten more than three bites into the salad. I could feel my eyes get big as she smugly waved the food in front of me. "Oh my gosh, Alice, that looks amazing!"  
  
She pushed the salad to the side and set the larger plate down. "It's roasted venison with poached quinces in a vanilla orange broth, sweet and sour cabbage, and a pomegranate sauce. I know that the only decent food you usually eat is what you make yourself, so we wanted to do something nice." She smirked as she sat down on my other side. "I caught the deer myself."  
  
"Gross. I like to pretend that meat is created in Styrofoam packages with plastic wrap from the get-go," I said, but it didn't stop me from digging in with enthusiasm. I could feel my eyes roll back in my head from sheer ecstasy the second the first bite hit my tongue. "Oh my God. It's  _perfect_. Don't you ever get tired of being awesome at everything?"  
  
They all laughed, except for Rosalie, who answered, "Sometimes," very softly with a wistful smile.  
  
The Cullens had learned a lot about the art of conversation over their unnaturally long lives, so I never felt awkward even when I stuffed my face. After I finished, Alice expended less than sixty seconds to clean the entire kitchen with Rosalie and then we played an epic game of cards. Alice's participation was banned, of course, so Carlisle went partnerless so that Esmé could play on my side. Emmett and Rosalie ended up beating the rest of us, but by the time the game was complete the clock had ticked past midnight. They still looked fresh as daisies, naturally, but I had to work not to yawn my head off.  
  
At last, I rose to my feet, but before I could ask Alice to take me home, Rosalie asked, "May I be the one to drive you back, Bella?"  
  
I couldn't help my dubious look, but Alice looked completely unperturbed at the prospect so I said, "Sure. Thanks."  
  
She chose one of the rugged SUVs the family usually took on their baseball expeditions. I literally had to climb into the cab. Once she put the vehicle into gear, though, I noticed with surprise that she kept her speed a little below the limit. Before I could remark on it and break the silence, she said, "Did Edward ever tell you the story of how I was turned?"  
  
"Not much," I admitted. "Just that Carlisle hoped the two of you would get together."  
  
She snorted in derision. "One of his few mistakes. Here's the whole story. It's long, but there's a reason I'm telling you, so bear with me.  
  
"I was a teenager in the Great Depression, but I was a very, very lucky girl. My father had been well-to-do before the Crash, and he lost a great deal at the very worst of it. He was smart, though, and had some capital left even after the market hit bottom. He invested it in companies like Chevrolet which had been second-tier before the Depression but had room for growth as more established companies, like Ford, faltered. He also bought businesses for half their worth, restructured them, and re-sold them for twice their original cost. By the time 1933 rolled around, he had become insanely wealthy. I saw people in newspapers, lined up at soup kitchens. I saw pictures of tent cities and heard the bell at the servants' entrance ring almost every day with vagrants looking for work or food. It never touched me. I'd been raised to believe that the poor brought their troubles on themselves, that this was America and anyone who worked hard would be able to get ahead, and that if they didn't make it they probably were lazy anyway. Physical suffering was a foreign concept to me.  
  
"Emotional pain, on the other hand… I sometimes would visit my friend Vera, who wasn't as pretty as me or as wealthy. I liked going to her house, though, even though they only had one girl to do for them and it was a small building, because her parents loved each other. I'd never seen two people who had been married for a long time still care for one another. Even more amazing, they cared about Vera; they would talk to her, ask her opinion and get her input. They laughed a lot.  
  
"My mother always left me in care of my nanny, and then my maid, while she visited her society friends and gambled away her pin money. Those were the friends who first raved to her about heroin for relaxation. When I made my debut, she slipped away halfway through the night to take another dose and ended up falling asleep. I told myself I didn't care. I told myself I didn't care that my father spent the entire night in his study with his books after the receiving line emptied out. Instead, I tried as hard as I could to pull every man around into my circle. Because I was beautiful, even as a human, I usually succeeded.  
  
"Vera got married before I did. She didn't have to wait for her father to find a man who would be the perfect business merger opportunity, and she got pregnant on her honeymoon." She gave me a sardonic glance. "That wasn't too uncommon at the time. During her pregnancy, my mother made certain I caught the eye of a young man whose father owned several banks—Royce King. I'll never know why he decided to pursue me, unless his father wanted my father's money so badly that he pressured him into it. He told me my eyes were like violets, but he sent me roses instead. Because of my name, you see? I tried to convince myself that I could make it be a happy union; maybe if we both worked hard we would grow to love each other. He didn't seem to want to work hard, though. He never even offered his arm when we would walk together; instead, I would reach out and take it.  
  
"A few weeks before my wedding was scheduled to occur, I visited Vera. She'd had a baby boy by then; he was gorgeous. My heart hurt in my chest when I saw the two of them together. His whole face lit up the moment their nursemaid brought him into the room; his arms flailed and legs kicked in delight when Vera lifted him to her face and kissed him. I wanted that. I wanted someone to love me that way, to see me as the center of his universe, to be delighted the instant he saw me. While I played peek-a-boo with him, her husband came home—and Vera's face lit up the same way her son's had just a few minutes before. Her husband walked straight to her and kissed her—on the cheek, because then a kiss on the mouth would have been vulgar—his hand on her shoulder, drawing a line down her back like he  _wanted_ to touch her. I had to leave earlier than I'd planned; I was afraid I would start crying in front of them and there would have been no explanation I could possibly offer.  
  
"I hadn't told our driver to come back to the house for another hour, so I set off alone for home. I was Rosalie Hale, untouchable—or so I thought—and it never occurred to me to be afraid for my safety.  
  
"As I walked, I heard Royce's voice. I looked across the street and saw him standing on a corner with a group of his friends, drinking out of flasks and talking far too loudly. I was happy to see him, though. I wanted to prove to myself that I could be as happy with him as Vera was with her husband. I ran across the street and greeted him, hoping he would pull my arm through his for once. Instead, though, he just looked bored."  
  
Rosalie parked in front of my house, but neither of us moved. She continued, "I asked, 'Won't you introduce me to your friends?'  
  
"He rattled off their names, still in that monotone. I decided to get brave and asked, 'Let me see that flask?' He was too surprised, I think, to resist, so I was able to pull it from his hand and drink a little of the scotch he had in there.  
  
"One of his friends joked, 'You'd better watch this one, Royce,' and I smiled at him. To be honest, I was very flirtatious about it; I'd learned that attracting men was one of the best ways to assure myself I mattered to someone else.  
  
"'Or you'll watch me instead?' I asked. They hooted and hollered about that, but Royce finally showed some expression: He was angry. I thought that was a good sign, because it meant he cared enough to be jealous. So I gave his friend some batting eyelashes and added, 'Maybe I should've asked to drink out of yours.'  
  
"Before I could understand what was happening, Royce had grabbed my arm and yanked me into the alley with all of his friends following. I looked up in his face and found it almost unrecognizable: those handsome, languid features had been distorted by fury. I cried out as he slammed me against the brick walls. He smacked me across the face, fierce blows meant to stun. I was in shock; this was the first time anyone had ever struck me. My parents had never lifted a hand to me. I'd never inspired even that much interest in them.  
  
'You little slut,' he growled, yanking up my skirt with his free hand. 'You've teased me all these months, made me offer to marry you, for Christ's sake, and all this time I could've had you for free?'"  
  
Rosalie stopped. Or rather, she grew motionless in the odd way vampires did when overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn't move either; I almost couldn't breathe. She finally grew able to speak, although nothing else on her face moved besides her lips. "I was a good girl, Bella. I was careful about my reputation. I had never allowed anyone more than a very short kiss, but I knew a very little about what happens between a man and a woman. In that second, with the freezing air running up my exposed skin, I remembered something I'd never really thought about before: one of our maids, walking through the hallway during a party, catching sight of Royce and cringing up against the opposite wall like a kicked dog. It was just the bare flash of memory, and then he raped me."  
  
I gasped, then exhaled a shaky breath. She ignored my reaction. "When he was done, he flung me down on the ground and demanded, 'How was that? Not enough for you?' I sobbed and tried to crawl away in the filthy snow—it was black from all the coal dust in the air—and he grabbed the hem of my skirt, yanking me back. 'Oh no,' he sneered. 'You wanted John here so bad; here's your chance to have him!' So John took a turn. Then each of his friends did the same. I think they realized they would have to kill me then; otherwise the scandal would have been terrible. They cracked my head against the wall a few times and then ran off, scattering in every direction, leaving me to bleed out in the cold."  
  
I was crying, tears pouring silently down my cheeks. Rosalie still refused to take note. "Carlisle found me there as I waited to die. The scent of the blood brought him. He saw I was beyond hope, and I think he would have simply brought me to the hospital to wait for identification, but when he smoothed my hair back from my face, he saw how I looked. He saw that, under all the blood and bruising and broken teeth, I had been beautiful. That was when he thought, what if he'd just found a mate for his son Edward?" She laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. "He bit me, and got me back to his house before I started screaming from the pain. It takes about three days to conclude the alteration. I screamed so much at first, and every time he would apologize. He held my hand every minute of the process. Eventually, I realized that screaming did no good and offered no relief, so I stopped. Mostly. At last, I became a vampire, and the pain vanished forever. Or, the bodily pain did.  
  
"I don't know if you know this, Bella, but we are in some ways petrified into who we are once we become vampires. There's often a particular characteristic that becomes exaggerated—Emmett's strength, Carlisle's compassion, Esmé's love, Edward's intuitiveness that became telepathy. As I completed my transformation, my entire mind was consumed with hatred toward Royce and his friends, toward men in general, and even toward my own body—for being attractive to men, for gathering unwanted attention, for causing me so much pain in the end. I hated myself, for wanting too much, for not taking what I had without question, for wanting Vera's life and trying to get it in the worst way. I hated that I would never have a baby. I died resenting all the possibilities that had been stolen from me. I was reborn obsessed with vengeance from the beginning.  
  
"It's difficult for most vampires to remember the circumstances of their human lives, but not me. I dwelt on the memories of the men who'd hurt me obsessively, to make sure I wouldn't forget. I hunted them down, one by one, and I killed them. I didn't eat them." She smiled proudly. "I've never tasted human blood. Other than Carlisle, I don't know another vampire who can say the same. I killed them, though, and I saved Royce for last. The idiot barricaded himself in his room with police protection, but of course that didn't do him any good. I wore my wedding dress to the occasion. It was ruined by blood spray, but I considered it a small price to pay.  
  
"After that, I was empty. Miserable. I had no goals left to achieve and no life worth living. All I'd ever wanted was someone to love me. Carlisle and Esmé were delighted with me, although both of them are so gentle by nature that my killing spree left them at a loss. They became the mother and father I'd never had, doting on my every move. But Edward… He resented me for being Carlisle's choice for him. As if I were, in some way, responsible for his father's desire to give him a companion, and then somehow responsible for the failure of his father's attempt. He was a great deal like Royce, superficially—handsome, intelligent, arrogant, entitled, with the world at his fingertips. He would never hurt a woman intentionally, but then he'd never really seek one out either. We instantly disliked one another but kept our antipathy quiet for our parents' sake.  
  
"After two years passed, I left the family for a hunting expedition. Outside of Pigeon Forge, Tennessee—have you ever heard of it?" I shook my head no. "That's where Dollywood is," she said with her first genuine smile in a while. "In 1935, though, it was just a lot of forest and a lot of bears. The Great Smoky Mountains National Park had been opened there the year before. I'd wanted to catch a bear, but instead I found one mauling Emmett. He was half-dead and fading fast when I came upon them. I finished the bear off and checked on Emmett, but I could tell he wasn't long for this world. I saw his beautiful dark curls, his soft brown eyes, those deep dimples, and he reminded me of Vera's little boy. I remembered the look of adoration on both their faces, and I thought about the children I might have had with this man, who would have given me the same love.  
  
"I knew from my own experience that there were no guarantees he'd even enjoy my company, but my loneliness forced me to take the risk. I grabbed him and raced a hundred miles to where Carlisle waited, and asked my father to turn the man I'd found. It was selfish of me, to condemn him to the life I hated; I knew it, but I couldn't find the willpower to stop myself. I tried to only hope for a friend, but the instant his heart stopped we took one look at each other and knew we were meant to be together. Things got better then, even with Edward. It was as if once I committed to another person he felt free to like me without worrying that I might mistake his friendship for something deeper. I grew to truly consider him a brother.  
  
"I love my husband, Bella. I love my family. Jasper and I are as close as a real brother and sister, and Alice, of course, is able to get along with anyone. But there is one joy that I will never experience. I'll never know the feeling of seeing a child look at me, and want me more than anything. I'll never be able to hold my own baby in my arms and know that Emmett and I came together and created new life from our love. I could adopt, of course—and I've considered it—but how could I explain to a child why I never grow older, why I'm so cold, why I can't go out in the sunshine, without bringing the Volturi down on all our heads? I'm still a bitter person, Bella. It's just that I've learned to focus on the love I have, as well as what's been robbed from me.  
  
"That's why I've been so hostile toward you from the beginning. You have so many  _options_ , so many alternatives that were denied to me. You don't have to get a man to make your parents happy, or to make a home, or even to have a child. You can do anything. From the moment you met Edward, though, you seemed determined to throw all those alternatives by the wayside. I could see the worship in your eyes as you looked at him, and it infuriated me. He's not perfect. He's not, and you saw him that way. I was angry because he'd noticed you when he didn't want me—I suppose I feel that if this lifeless body can't attract every man in its vicinity then what is its point? And you didn't even consider—or did you? Have you ever thought about children of your own?"  
  
I wrinkled my nose and wiped tears away. "Um. Not really." I thought kids were cute, in a general sort of way, as long as they weren't screaming or touching me with sticky hands, but I'd never considered having any of my own. I sometimes felt as though I'd raised myself and that maybe I didn't need to raise anyone else.  
  
Rosalie nodded, glorious hair gleaming in the streetlight. "It's different now, I know. And you shouldn't feel like you have to have them. In my day a woman who didn't want children was seen as unfeminine. It's good that that's changed. But, Bella, it's not something that should be thrown away without a lot of thought. As far as I know, there's no chance that you would have children with Edward even as a human, and once you're a vampire, if you become one, your cycles will stop as your womb turns to stone within you. I was so glad when Edward left you—not because I hated you, but because it made me sick to see you heedlessly discard the options I was forced to lay down. I'm happy that you've come to your senses and broken up with him on your own, but I know my brother. I know that he hasn't given up on winning you back, and I know Alice still sometimes sees you as one of us. The possibility frightens me, but it's for your sake, not mine. This is not the life I would have chosen. You have a choice. You have a million choices."  
  
I choked out, "That's part of the problem. What if I choose wrong? If I had chosen Edward, all my most difficult decisions would be made for me, forever."  
  
Rosalie looked at me sadly. "Oh, Bella. Wrong choices do have consequences that can be devastating. I know. But it's part of the human experience to have unexpected good consequences to choices, as well. I wouldn't wish my state on anyone. Change is vital. Change is life. If change stops, life stops. You become one of the undead… like me." She leaned over to put her hand on my forearm. "Please, Bella. Think about it before you decide. Consider how much you'll sacrifice." She opened her door. "Here, let me walk you to your house. Edward and Alice are obsessive about your safety; they'll never forgive me if I don't see you inside."  
  
I descended to the driveway and walked to the entry, mind racing. It was going to take a while to process everything she'd just told me. I slid my key in the lock and turned it, but the minute I opened the door Rosalie inhaled sharply and barked out, "Wait!"  
  
I jerked back as though I'd been shocked. "What is it?"  
  
She sniffed again, sticking her head through the doorway. "Somebody's been here," she replied grimly. "A vampire I don't know."


	17. Intruder

The instant Rosalie finished speaking, she disappeared. I heard my bedroom door open as I put my foot on the bottom step. When I got up there, she was methodically turning things over, looking underneath, picking them up and smelling them. She walked in a quick circle around the circumference of the room, then went to the window and ran her nose along the sill before opening the panes and leaning out, scenting the wind.

"Rose," I said through the constriction of fear around my throat. "What is it? What's going on?"

"Look through here and see if anything's missing," she snapped, pulling out her cell phone. She hit a speed dial number and began speaking too fast and too quietly for me to understand. I obediently began rifling through my closet and laundry hamper.

By the time Rosalie flipped her phone shut, I had gone through the entire room. "My favorite shirt, my scarf, and a hoodie," I listed. "I think that's it."

"So, things that carry your scent," she concluded without surprise. "All right. Emmett's on his way with  
Alice."

"My dad—" I said, and then shrieked, "Charlie!" as a bolt of terror electrified my entire body.

Rosalie appeared in front of me before I could dash through the door in search of my father. "No, Bella! It's okay. He's fine. Listen."

I strained my ears, and then sighed in my relief when the familiar sound of his snoring surfaced over the thudding of my heart. "Oh, thank God." Then I frowned, confused. "Wait a minute. That's even weirder. Why would a vampire come here and take my stuff and not kill Charlie?" I met her eyes. "Are you sure it's not Victoria?"

She shook her head. "No, I would recognize her scent. I'm not able to forget anything, Bella."

I nodded, accepting this. "Okay. Then what's the point?"

The roar of the Porsche's engine cut through the outside silence, carrying clearly through the still-open window. "I want to run it past the two of them before I jump to any conclusions," Rosalie replied. A few seconds later, Alice and Emmett leaped through the window—Alice ricocheting off of the tree trunk outside, Emmett jumping to hang from the roof ledge and swing himself through. They landed soundlessly and stood, turning their heads every direction as their nostrils flared.

"Recognize it?" Rosalie questioned.

"No," Alice replied curtly, running her fingers over the dream-catcher on my headboard. "He touched everything, though."

Emmett snarled, and I couldn't help my start. I'd never seen Edward's affable brother look so infuriated. "Did you catch his little detour?" He leaned out of my bedroom door, turning his head toward Charlie's room. "He definitely looked at Bella's dad and didn't do anything."

"So, what the hell's going on?" I demanded. My voice shook as I said it, though, ruining the bravado of my words.

They glanced at each other and spoke among themselves in their hyper fast way, then turned to me. "He wanted to take your scent to someone else," Rosalie explained. "I'm not sure why, though."

"Was it the Volturi?" My head started getting light at the thought; I sat down, hard, on the edge of my bed.

Alice shook her head. "It's certainly none of the people who were in the room when we were in Italy, and I think we ran into all of their key players there."

My head grew even lighter; I had to bend forward and press my forehead to my knees. I felt a brush of ice down my back: Alice's hand, rubbing comfortingly. "It's all right, Bella. We'll figure it out."

I spoke, my words muffled by my jeans. "It's like he knew to come when you wouldn't be watching me."

Silence. I lifted my head to see all three of them motionless while they considered that. "If he knows about you, Alice—" Emmett finally said.

Rosalie finished. "Then it's someone who knows about what Bella means to our family."

I glowed a little inside at her words despite my terror. Our family.

Alice's delicate brow furrowed. "It could be anyone with a grudge against one of us. Jasper has a lot of enemies from his days down South. Edward hasn't been especially careful about maintaining friendships."

"We're going to have to do a protection detail," Rosalie concluded without enthusiasm.

"No," I said swiftly. "That's too much to ask. It makes it too hard for all of you to hunt."

Alice shook her head. "Bella, I won't risk your life. It won't happen."

I sat up, thinking hard. "There might be another option."

Alice crouched defensively, eyes going blank at whatever she saw in her head. "No, Bella!"

Rosalie and Emmett said together, "What?"

"Hold on. I need to call Jake." I dug my phone out of my pocket and hit his number.

After a second, he answered, voice thick with sleep. "Hello?"

"It's me, Bella," I said, in case he hadn't looked at the phone before he answered.

His smile came through even over the phone. "Hey, Bells. What's up?" He groaned; I could hear his bed creak as he sat up. "What the hell time is it, anyway?"

"It's late. Listen, I'm really sorry to call like this—"

"I'm not sorry; I missed you." His tone dropped, became more intimate. "I can't stop thinking about the last time you were here."

I felt heat climb my cheeks as the three vampires' faces assumed near-identical satirical expressions. "Um. Yeah. I, uh, I was hanging out with the Cullens tonight—not Edward, he wasn't there—and when she brought me home Rosalie realized that there's been a vampire in my bedroom." No sound on the other end. "Jake? It wasn't one of them. None of them recognizes the smell. He went through my room and took some of my stuff but he didn't touch Charlie. And…" Unexpectedly, my voice wobbled as I finished, "I'm really scared."

"Stay there. Don't move, don't do anything, I'll be there in just a few minutes."

"No, Jake, you don't have to—" I tried, but the phone had gone dead. I put it down on my nightstand and faced the Cullens. "I think he's on his way now."

"What are you thinking?" Rosalie asked, but it wasn't critical, just a request for information. This Rosalie-being-civil thing was going to take some getting used to.

"I'm wondering if maybe, if it's really necessary for me to be protected 24/7, you guys could do a rotating schedule with the werewolves. I mean, I don't have a death wish—" anymore, anyway, "—but I also don't want you to ruin your lives and starve just because I'm a target for trouble. That's not fair to anyone."

Emmett nodded. "That might work. I'm going up to see what I can spot from the roof." He stood on the windowsill and did a direct leap upward. I heard the soft "thud" as he landed overhead.

I fidgeted and paced during the fifteen minutes it took for Jacob to arrive, trying hard not to hum nursery songs—damn Barney again, I was never going to outgrow that stuff. Alice and Rosalie stood still as lawn statuary. Time never weighed heavily on their hands, it seemed. At last, their eyes widened and heads jerked up as the wind gusted through the room. Emmett's soft growl was echoed in the woods behind the house. A second later, Jacob used the tree to propel inside my window. He wore only a pair of shorts, and even with imminent danger to my life, I couldn't help but admire every muscle revealed by his lack of clothing.

The first words out of his mouth were, "It's not the red-head?"

Rosalie sneered, "We'd recognize that one, pup."

He raked her with his gaze from head to toe, but it was an impersonal evaluation, more like he assessed the threat she presented rather than appreciated what he saw. She lifted an eyebrow and posed with one hand on her hip. Jacob kept his eyes on her but spoke to me. "What did it take, Bells?"

"My shirt, a hoodie, a scarf—" Again, my voice betrayed me, wavering against my will. I snapped my mouth shut, breathing deeply through my nose as tears pooled in my eyes. I tried to speak again, but an indeterminate noise was the only thing I could get out. Jacob moved toward me, but I moved faster, flinging myself against his side and clinging to him.

Instantly, his arms surrounded me; warmth flooded into my body, chasing away fear's chill. One big hand cradled my head. "It's okay, Bells. We'll take care of this."

I craned my head back a little to look up at him. He hummed with concern and slid his hand around to rub a tear away with his thumb. "That's why I asked you to come. The Cullens want to do a protection thing—like someone always watching me, but it's too hard on them to do it round the clock without a break. So I was wondering, what do you think of switching off with them? Like, two werewolves take a shift, then two Cullens, then two werewolves—"

"Yeah," he interrupted, thinking about it. After a second, he said, "Okay. We're in."

"Just like that?" I realized I was still hugging him in front of my ex-boyfriend's sisters and dropped my arms, backing away a bit. "Are you sure? What about Sam?"

Jacob smiled without much humor. "This is kind of what we do, honey. We hunt vampires and kill them. If there's even a chance one'll show up, the guys—and Leah—will be ready to hang out here forever. Everybody wants to be the next wolf to rip one to pieces."

Alice spoke, lips barely moving. "That's lovely. Thanks."

This was what I'd wanted, but with it granted so easily I wavered. "I don't know, Jake… Maybe it's asking too much. They're so dangerous—"

He shook his head at me, laughing genuinely. "Bells, I swear to God, you're not going to believe we can take these guys out until you see it with your own eyes, are you? We can; stop worrying." He stepped to close the gap between us, rubbing my arms and drawing me close as I started hyperventilating again. "Anyway, you should be happy. Isn't this what you want? Cullens and the pack working together? Trust me. We can handle this."

I leaned my forehead against his chest with my eyes squeezed shut, struggling with myself. He curled one hand on the back of my neck and laid the other between my shoulder blades; maybe he remembered what I'd told him after my nightmare in Jacksonville. Under the heat of his touch, my racing heartbeat slowed to its normal pace. My lungs stopped their frantic search for air. My legs grew firm beneath me again. I felt my shoulders loosen, and breathed without effort for the first time since Rosalie had caught the intruder's scent. "Okay. Okay. I'll trust you." I turned to see both Alice and Rosalie staring at us, moving their eyes back and forth from Jacob to me and back again. Rosalie's expression was speculative; Alice looked puzzled. "Does that sound okay to you guys?"

Alice replied after a weird pause, "I'll run it by Carlisle, but I can't see him objecting. I'll take something the stranger touched too, to be sure it's unfamiliar to the others. Who will take first shift? How long should it last?"

"I'll take first shift," Jacob replied. "I'll stay here till she leaves for work in the morning."

The women nodded; apparently, they didn't share my fears for his safety. "Fine. What time do you go to work, Bella?" Rosalie asked.

"I have to open, so 8:30," I said.

"We'll meet you here," Alice promised. She grabbed a book she'd sniffed before, floated to me and gave me a cautious embrace; I could tell she held her breath against the werewolf smell. "Be safe, Bella."

"She will be," Jacob replied before I could.

I gave him a look. "I will be. Thanks, Alice."

Rosalie spoke softly. "Emmett. We're going." I saw a streak of white descend from the roof. A second later, the front door slammed and the key sailed through my window. "Goodbye, Bella. Please think about what I said."

"Bye, Rosalie. I will. I promise." I watched as Alice and she propelled themselves from the window directly to their vehicles. Once their engines faded into the distance, I went to close the window and pull the blinds down. When I turned around, Jacob handed me the key that he'd picked up from the floor.

"It reeks in here," he said, nose wrinkled.

I sighed wearily. "I'm going to go take a shower. If it's really awful, you can grab some new blankets out of the linen closet while I'm in there." I grabbed my seldom-used summer pajamas out of my top drawer and headed down the hallway. Once I'd done a quick scrub-down, I shaved under my arms and then looked down at my legs in speculation. Should I shave them? If I did, I wouldn't have the power of embarrassment to stop me from being stupid with Jacob. Of course, there was always the possibility that even stubble wouldn't stop me. I didn't think it would bother him in the slightest. I finally went ahead and shaved, but only to my knees. There was no way I was going to do bikini line landscaping; that was just asking for trouble.

I turned off the water and toweled off, pulling on my pants and then picking up my shirt. Before I pulled it over my head, I picked up my bra too. I hated sleeping with my bra on. But, maybe I should, so he wouldn't think I was coming on to him? What if I wanted to come on to him? But, what if he thought I was being slutty? Oh, God.

Screw it. He'd already seen me topless. I dropped the bra and donned the shirt, then brushed my teeth, braided back my wet hair and carried my dirty clothes back to my room. By this point I was so sick of my internal debates that I defiantly threw my bra on top after I'd dropped the rest of my clothes in the basket. For God's sake, he could probably smell my underwear from across the room—also, gross—so why bother pretending it wasn't there? I turned away from the hamper to find Jacob stretched out on the floor, a lone pillow under his head, fast asleep.

I'd heard that everybody looked younger when they slept, but that wasn't true of Jacob. Non-aging werewolf or not, he had a few lines at the corners of his eyes and mouth, furrows of concern from the dangerous life he led and the worries of a diabetic father and a danger-magnet best friend. I knelt beside him and stroked his hair away from his face. Instantly, his eyes opened. He looked straight at me and smiled. "Hey," he murmured.

"Why are you asleep on the floor?" I whispered back.

He shrugged. "I didn't know if you wanted me in bed with you." He reached up and pulled me down sideways to rest on his chest.

I breathed him in, listening to his heartbeat under my ear. "Is the smell better?"

"Yeah, way better." His hand traced lazy circles and curlicues across my back.

I lifted my head. "You can sleep in my bed. There's plenty of room, I mean, it's a queen size. I always sleep on one side anyway." It was also ancient; leftovers from Charlie and Renée's marriage that he hadn't been able to bear sleeping in after the divorce. Not that he'd ever told me as much, but it wasn't hard to figure out.

He cocked a lazy eyebrow. "And Charlie won't care when he walks in on us in the morning?"

I giggled. "Yeah, right. My dad lives in eternal fear of accidentally seeing me naked. It's like his worst nightmare. By the time he got done clearing his throat, then shuffling his feet, then knocking ten times, you'd have had the chance to jump out the window and run all the way back to La Push." I raised myself up to my feet. "Just let me lock the door."

I flipped the lock, turned out the overhead light and then walked to my bed. Jacob waited to see which side I chose before settling in next to me, shoving the blankets over to my side. I twisted the bedroom lamp switch off and curled under my coverlet on my side, facing away from him. After a moment, his arm encircled my waist and pulled me against his front. The ever-present attraction between us made the air burn in my chest as I breathed—it didn't help that he was fully aroused and pressed flush against my rear.

"I can't help it when I'm in bed next to you, Bells," he said finally, as if I'd asked him about it. "Don't worry, I'm not going to try anything."

"What if I do?" I whimpered, trying hard not to move against him. I'd wondered if I'd be upset by the similarity of this situation to when Edward used to spend every night with me, but I couldn't remember Edward sporting a raging hard-on at any time during our courtship. Maybe he'd been so hard all over that I hadn't noticed when—no. I was so not going to think about that.

My hips twitched and pushed back against Jacob without any sort of permission on my brain's part. He groaned out a laugh. "You're seriously gonna kill me one day." His hand moved, caressing my belly through my pajama shirt. "You need to get some sleep before work in the morning."

I put my arm over his, stilling it. "I'll try, but you've gotta stop that first or I'll never be able to fall asleep." Lacing my fingers through his, I lifted his hand to my lips and kissed the back of it. "Thank you so much for coming to keep me safe," I whispered.

Jacob held me tighter. "Believe me, I'm happy to do it." He kissed the top of my head.

I honestly thought I'd stay awake all night, but after just a few minutes his breathing slipped into the deep, even patterns of sleep. Mine matched it automatically, and before I knew it my eyes drifted shut.


	18. Encounter

My alarm went off at 7:30, but before I could switch it off, I saw a big brown arm reach over me and smash it into bits.  
  
"Holy crap," I said, blinking in shock at the twisted shards of plastic and circuitry that remained.  
  
"Oh. Shit." Jacob lifted his head to see the destruction on my nightstand. "Sorry. I was too tired to judge right."  
  
I wavered between mad and amused, and settled on amused when I started giggling uncontrollably. "Oh my God, Megatron. Remind me to put the poor baby clock on the floor next time."  
  
Jacob raised himself up higher on one arm and frowned at the wreckage. "I really didn't mean to do that."  
  
He was so cute, with sleep still clouding his eyes and his hair standing on end, that I stretched up to kiss his cheek. "It's okay. It was like twelve bucks. You can get me another one later." I pulled back to look at him and ran my fingers through his hair, which he'd been letting get shaggy. "Don't worry about it."  
  
He turned his head to kiss my wrist, and I caught my breath as the touch set off a fiery path down my arm, to my heart, and then straight between my legs. I'd been warm before, but now all of a sudden I was burning up.  
  
Jacob knew. He could hear my heartbeat speed up, see my breath flutter in my chest, smell the changes in my body as affection transmuted into lust. Those brown eyes widened in surprise, then focused on me with single-minded intensity, and with a thrill of excitement and fear I knew he had forgotten about waiting. Before I could even complete the thought, he'd buried his head in my shoulder and kissed my neck while his hands ran down my sides and under my shirt, gripping my waist and dragging me against him. I clenched my jaw to keep my moan inside my throat—Charlie might be awake by now.  
  
Jacob lowered his head, following the path his hands had traced, working his way down to my stomach and kissing just above my belly button. I raised trembling hands to caress his head while he lifted my shirt out of his way and licked and kissed his way up to my breasts.  
  
I was so scared. I was so turned on.  
  
His mouth fastened on my nipple and I squeaked, and then threw the back of one wrist over my mouth to hold in the sounds I couldn't help as he suckled me. This was… was…  _so_ much exposure. I knew he'd seen it all before, but that had been at night and I'd been drunk and now daylight was angling through the slats in the blinds, illuminating everything he did to me. I wanted to pull my shirt back down but that would mean his mouth stopping. Shockwaves of delight spread outward through my body from the epicenter of his lips and tongue.  
  
His hands were busy still, pulling my shirt over my head as he worked his way over to the other side, giving both breasts their due attention and making me twist against him over and over again, trying to press as much of me as I could to as much of him as I could. His skin was rough, but his hands were unbelievably gentle as they moved over me. I could tell he struggled to remember, though—three or four times he gripped me so tightly I sucked air between my teeth, and when I made the sound he consciously loosened his fingers. I stroked his shoulder with the hand that wasn't covering my mouth, down his arm, up his side, and around to his back. He bit me, lightly, at the swell where my breast met my chest; I hissed and dug my nails into the muscles beneath my fingers. The tiny pain made him hum against my skin, smiling; he nipped me again and my eyes rolled back in my head from the pleasure of it.  
  
No, wait. Last time I'd barely gotten the chance to touch him. I shoved him away from me. Jacob started back, worry piercing through the arousal, but I gave him a smile I hoped was reassuring and angled down till I could push his shorts out of the way. His erection sprang free the minute I lowered the elastic. I reached to touch while I looked. Hm. So that was different from the health textbook pictures. Bigger, of course—I wondered if the pictures were smaller than normal so nobody would feel bad about himself—but also darker since the guy in the book had been white.  
  
Okay, and I was distracting myself with semi-academic musings as I wrapped my fingers around him, because oh my God, that was  _way big_ , and there were some days I wasn't even sure a tampon was gonna fit up there so what the  _hell_ was I going to do with this?  
  
Jacob was oblivious, naturally, to my internal quibbling. His head lowered, his eyes squeezed shut, and his chest heaved as I stroked up and down. After a couple of minutes, he growled and pulled my face up to his, grabbing my wrist to make me stop while he ravaged my mouth. He kissed down my jaw, to my neck, and licked the length of it. I gasped, flung my leg over his waist and whimpered, "Jake… Jake, wait, just let me…" I had to tell him, I had to let him know how totally freaked out I felt right now but I was lightheaded with wanting him too, what if he stopped and I never got the guts to finish this, what if this was my only chance? I had to talk—  
  
Breathing like he'd run a marathon, he pulled back and met my eyes. I gazed at him. We were suspended in the moment, neither of us moving. He waited for a sign from me but I didn't know which direction I feared less. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, to ask him to tell me that everything would be okay between us no matter what, but all I could say was, "Jake, please?" He could interpret that so many ways, and I waited to see which one he would choose.  
  
He kissed my mouth, then overlaid me and leaned his forearm against the mattress above my shoulder. His free hand dug into my hip and pulled me flush against him, grinding the ache between my legs against where he was so hard, and thoughts about talking flew right out my head. Oh  _God_ that was exactly what I wanted, the hot liquid pleasure that poured from there, where we moved against each other, through every inch of my body and into my brain, cancelling out every overthinking impulse I'd ever fought and replacing it with ripples of uncontrollable bliss. I was gasping and panting in a high-pitched voice that I almost didn't recognize as my own,  _please let me, let me, don't stop doing that,_ and then I came so hard I swear my mind completely shut down and all I saw was light.  
  
I gulped air that was too thin into my throat. It was too much, too intense, and Jacob wasn't stopping, he was still pushing against where all of a sudden I was raw and sensitive from the unaccustomed sensations, and then he slipped a little lower; his dick was where it was supposed to be although my pajama pants were still in the way, and I felt twin surges of relief and disappointment as I knew he wasn't going to try to go all the way yet. My legs and arms pulled him tighter against me without intending to, like my body knew we were meant to be together even if I didn't, and Jacob shuddered into me and around me and through me while I felt even more damp heat bloom against my sex and inner thighs as he groaned my name next to my ear. The sound made me feel unbelievably powerful— _I'd_  done that to him.  _I'd_  made him lose control; just touching me had given him  _that_ much gratification.  
  
He collapsed on his side of the bed, still shaking, and pulled me into his arms. I pressed my face into the hollow above his collarbone and tried to stop trembling. I'd thought I would feel less scared, but I was still just as overwhelmed—maybe even more so, because every time I touched him my feelings grew both stronger and more confusing. Jacob seemed to pick up on my inner turmoil; he tilted my head back and kissed me softly, closed-mouthed and soothing, until I relaxed enough to respond.  
  
Abruptly, he stiffened from head to toe and bolted upright. "Holy shit. Holy, holy, holy shit. Bells, what the hell did I just do?"  
  
I stared at him in bewilderment. "You don't know?"  
  
"No, I mean, of course I know, but—" He ran his hand between my legs, the casual possessiveness of the gesture robbing me of breath, and brought his fingers away wet. "I have to get these off of you."  
  
"Oh-kay," I said dubiously, "But I kind of have to get ready for work now so we can't—"  
  
"That isn't what I mean! I can't believe I was so stupid; I've never even gotten near there without a condom before—"  
  
"Oh!" Illumination dawned; I laid my hands over his, stilling them before he could yank my pants off. "Jake, it's okay. I'm on the pill."  
  
He froze, staring at me. "You are?"  
  
I nodded. "Yeah. I've been on it for months." When Edward left, the depth of my despondency—and lack of eating—had made my periods stop, which was pretty ironic considering how much irritation they'd caused when we were together. One of the first things Teresita had done, after asking a bunch of eating disorder questions, was to give me a referral to a gynecologist to get a prescription and put my cycles back on track. "And you said—Julia and you were each others' firsts, right? So it should be okay. I'll just get dressed. Don't look." He sat back and obediently closed his eyes; I scrambled out of my pajamas and into regular clothes, and then rejoined him on the bed. "Okay, I'm done."  
  
He'd pulled his shorts back up while he'd waited. He slid over next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. "You okay?"  
  
To my disgust, I discovered I still shivered all over. "I know I don't seem like it, but I'm okay." It wasn't true, but it was in the way he meant it. I bumped him with my elbow teasingly. "A little freaked out that neither of us brushed our teeth first, but okay."  
  
Jacob snorted, but worry remained on his face. "I shouldn't have done that."  
  
"Why do you keep on saying that?" I demanded in exasperation. "It's not like I'm not right there with you, and I definitely was in my right mind this time!"  
  
"Because…" He sighed and slid back, pulling me with him until he leaned against the headboard and I rested between his legs and against his chest. "When I did it with Julia, I didn't really think it through. I was fourteen and my mom was dead, my sisters had just left and I knew they weren't ever coming back, and my dad was eating like shit and not taking care of himself, and Julia was  _there_ and I knew she cared about me, and I cared about her, so we ended up doing it mostly because it was easier than not doing it, even though I was always safe with her. I didn't really think about what it meant for her until later when they had one of those stupid assemblies, you know, that try to scare you into never having sex until you're forty?" I giggled; we had those in Forks too. "And then the lady goes into all these possible consequences of having sex too young, especially for girls. It totally sucked. I felt really guilty. I'm not sure what to think about taking another girl's virginity too."  
  
"I'm eighteen, Jake. There's a big difference. And it's not so much you taking as it is me giving."  
  
"Yeah, but you're not really over the walking freezer pop, and I don't know how you feel about me, and Bells, I'm already half-sure you're going to break my heart one of these days. How do you think it's going to feel to know you fucked me but didn't love me like I love you?"  
  
His question struck me dumb. I wasn't used to such plain speaking. I hadn't even thought that boys considered stuff like that; every indication I'd ever been given had seemed to say they just wanted to have sex with anything that moved. That love might be a necessary part of the equation for them, too, hadn't ever occurred to me. Maybe it was just this boy. I swallowed, hard, and said, "I don't want to break your heart, Jake." I did love him, I knew that much, but I wasn't sure if I could be  _in_ love with him this soon after Edward.  
  
He gave me half a smile. "I don't want to hurt you, either. I can't fucking believe I wasn't more careful. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It's like I get around you and all my common sense goes out the window."  
  
"Well, it doesn't help that we were  _in bed together_ , Jake," I reminded him tartly. "I'm sure if you'd slept on the floor we both would have woken up more, um, sensible." I scooted to the edge of the bed and stood, then wavered and had to grab the bedpost for balance.  
  
Instantly, he was next to me, holding my arm. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm still dizzy from before." Jacob grinned at that, a smug flash of pride crossing his face. I rolled my eyes, but lifted my hand to rest my palm on his heart. "Hey."  
  
"Yeah?" He was so tall that even when he sat on the bed he loomed over me.  
  
"I'm glad you didn't sleep on the floor." I grinned and leaned up to kiss his forehead, breathing in his scent as deeply as I could before I pulled away. "But next time, we're definitely brushing our teeth first."  
  
"There's gonna be a next time?" he asked in an undertone as I left the room. I smothered my laughter behind my hand and hurried to the bathroom, relieved to hear my father still snoring.  
  
Once in there, I inspected myself as I had the last time we'd made out, but I didn't have any bruises, just a little redness around my lips that faded by the time I'd finished rinsing my mouth. He'd been far more careful this go-round. That had been—I had to brace myself against the wall as I thought about it. Oh, God, oh God, now I just wanted to do it all over again.  
  
Well, why not? Maybe I  _would_. Neither of us was with anyone else or even interested in anyone else. And he'd loved it; that was one thing I could finally give to Jake, give just as much as I got from him, not that he ever made me feel that I owed him anything, but I really liked being able to give. It had been so  _easy_ , entirely effortless, and then we'd been Jake and Bells again, talking about stuff that should've been too embarrassing to even think about.  
  
I thought about the smell factor; although no human would be able to detect anything, any of those watching out for my safety would be able to tell what I'd been up to with one whiff. I didn't really have time for another shower. I settled for a swipe with a wet washcloth and extra deodorant, even though I knew that wouldn't have any effect whatsoever. At least it made me feel better psychologically. Then I laughed at myself as I realized that not shaving all the way up hadn't stopped anything.  
  
As I opened the bathroom door, I heard my dad's radio alarm turn on. The newscaster was in the middle of a report on the continued serial killings in Seattle. Over the man's voice, I heard a car pull up outside and hurried back to my room to find Jacob standing at the window.  
  
"Who is it?" I asked, shutting the door behind me.  _Please please please don't be Edward._  
  
"The doctor," he replied. I heard my dad head downstairs.  
  
"Oh thank God," I breathed. The one vampire who'd be both unruffled and nonjudgmental about what I'd done with Jacob. Now I just had to think of an explanation for why Carlisle Cullen had come to give me a ride.  
  
He knew why I was relieved; a sardonic glint lit his eye. He didn't call me on it, though. He went to the bathroom and came back in a couple minutes to pull me into an embrace. "I've gotta go. See you tonight?"  
  
My arms wrapped around him of their own accord. "Are you sure it's a good idea? I mean, if you don't want—"  
  
"I want," he murmured, and kissed me. "—To be—" He kissed me again. "—With you—" Another kiss."—Any chance I get. I'll sleep on the floor if  _you_ want. Please don't make me stay out there and wonder what you're up to."  
  
I knew, as Jacob surely did, that Carlisle could hear everything that we said and did, but I couldn't stop myself from cradling his face between my hands and kissing him back. "Just don't make out with me and then tell me it was a mistake again, and we should be fine."  
  
"It's a deal." He kissed me one last time, then jumped out of the window and ran into the trees. As I made my way down the stairs, I felt the huge smile on my face and didn't bother to wipe it off.


	19. Teamwork

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I spell it "Jaz." "Jazz" looks like he should be standing onstage clutching a flute and screaming "AQUALUNG!" á la Ron Burgundy.

If Edward was a member of Team Keep Bella from Being Slaughtered, he did a damn good job of hiding the fact over the next day. I checked every few hours to see who had active duty outside the window of whatever building I inhabited. Once I saw Paul and Jared, leaning against the outside wall in human form and, for a wonder, fully clothed—Mike wondered aloud if he should make them leave, but once I stopped laughing at the idea and told him they were waiting for me he left it alone. When I got off my shift, Alice and Jasper showed up to ferry me home and then wait in the tree cover behind the house. The thought of the two of them just standing out there made me feel guilty, but Jasper took care of that by hitting me with one big wave of peace and happiness before he joined his partner.  
  
"No fair," I complained, but I smiled when I said it. It was impossible not to smile.  
  
He grinned—the first time I'd seen the expression on his face since he'd tried to eat me at my birthday party. "All's fair in… well, this sort of thing." With a joking salute, he disappeared into the woods.  
  
Around nine o'clock, Alice jumped up to my windowsill and told me in a murmur, "We're leaving. The werewolves are here."  
  
"Which ones?" I asked, darting beside her to look out.  
  
She rolled her eyes. "I don't know, the ones that strongly resemble flea-ridden mongrels. They all look the same to me, Bella." I narrowed my eyes in reproof, and she laughed. "I'm joking. It's Jacob Black and Embry Call."  
  
"Thanks for keeping an eye on me," I said, giving her a hug.  
  
"I'm glad to do it; I just wish I knew what to look for," she sighed.  
  
"What's Victoria doing?"  
  
"Her future changes so quickly it's like watching a flipbook. One moment she's headed to London, the next she's decided to swim Puget Sound." Behind her, I saw Jasper appear behind the wheel of the Volvo. "Leave it to you to get not one, but two vampires after you. And if those killings don't stop in Seattle, we'll have—" She stopped herself, and then said, "Danger magnet."  
  
"I can't help it that ever since I met you guys my life has turned into an episode of  _Fringe_ ," I retorted. She kissed my cheek without arguing that point, and the next moment materialized next to Jasper in the car.  
  
I saw two pairs of eyes glowing luminescent in the trees. "Hey guys," I whispered. Twin whines answered me. I wanted to ask Jacob when he would be up, but I was too shy in front of Embry, so instead I took a shower and brushed my teeth. Twice. I'd washed my pajamas after work, so I put those on again and then trudged back to my bedroom, pausing at the top of the stairs to call a goodnight to Charlie. When I got to my room, Jacob was sitting on the floor against the wall.  
  
I closed the door, giving him a welcoming smile. "Hey. What'd you do today?"  
  
He shrugged. "Not much. Homework, worked on a couple people's cars, cleaned up my dad's mess."  
  
I settled on the bed and patted the mattress beside me in invitation. He sat cross-legged on top of the covers, moving with uncharacteristic lack of speed. "What do you mean, your dad's mess?"  
  
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "It's disgusting, Bells. I shouldn't have mentioned it."  
  
I waited in silence for a moment, trying to decide whether to push it. At last, I figured that he wouldn't have mentioned it if he didn't need to talk about it, so I said, "I don't care if it's gross. Just tell me."  
  
He picked at the cover in front of him. For a minute, I thought he wouldn't answer me, but at last he said, "You know he's diabetic, right?" I nodded. "So my dad doesn't take care of himself. Like, he'll eat huge bowls of ice cream and give himself extra insulin as if he can make up for it somehow. That's how he ended up in the wheelchair, but he still keeps doing it. Well, one of the things about people with diabetes is that they have really bad circulation, and sometimes they get nerve damage in their, what-do-you-call-it, extremities. And if that keeps getting worse, they get foot ulcers."  
  
I wrinkled my nose in confusion; the only ulcers I'd ever heard about were in people's stomachs. "What are those?"  
  
Jacob heaved another big sigh. "They're these big weeping sores on the bottom of their feet. They… ooze."  
  
I sat still, considering and discarding responses. I decided on, "That sounds awful. So your dad has foot ulcers?"  
  
"Yeah. And he doesn't have any feeling down there, so he doesn't notice when they open up, and he's almost always barefoot inside. So sometimes, I'll come home, and there'll be these big puddles of bloody fucking pus all over the place. He can't see them because the diabetes has messed with his eyesight, too, and it's kind of dark in there. That's what happened when I came home this morning. I spent like an hour with bleach water mopping all that shit up, then I tried to talk him into going to the doctor because the clinic's open on Saturdays, but he made me just clean it—which is really repulsive by the way, because I have to scrub off the dead skin—and put more dressings on it." He tried to smile, but it was a poor imitation of his usual expression. "Kind of makes your day go shitty after that, you know?"  
  
Unable to come up with the right words, I edged closer and put my arms around him. After a second, his shoulders drooped and he leaned into me. I felt sorry for him, but it was nice to be the one offering support for once instead of taking it. This was what I was used to; this was what I'd  _done_ , before moving to Forks and becoming the weakest link in every chain to which I welded myself. I stroked his head for a second. "I bet you're really tired; you do way too much at night. Maybe you should get some rest. I always feel worse about everything when I'm exhausted. Do you want to go to sleep?"  
  
"Okay, Mom," he teased me half-heartedly. I locked the door, turned off the lights, and came back to find him already stretched out on his back with the covers pushed away. I pulled the sheet over me—I'd gotten too sweaty with all the blankets and a werewolf around last night—and cuddled under one of his arms up to his side. Within sixty seconds, he passed out. I lay awake thinking. Jacob had always been so happy before the werewolf change had overtaken his life; he'd been the antithesis of the darkness that had overwhelmed me with Edward's departure. I'd been in no shape to question whether his nature was genuinely sunny, but certainly the moody creature he'd become after his first phase had stuck around. I knew he hated being a werewolf, hated being out of control of his body like that, but that there might be more everyday reasons to justify his darker moments hadn't really occurred to me.  
  
Now, though, I considered his history and wanted to cringe in remorse. Mother dead in a car wreck, sisters who all but abandoned him to care for his sick dad so that they could escape the memories of their mom on the reservation, a dad with a chronic condition who refused to do any sort of preventative care.  
  
A mega-depressed best friend he'd fallen for who had been in love with his sworn enemy and then refused to acknowledge his feelings for her so she could keep using him for companionship. Nice, Bella. Extremely awesome friend-like behavior.  
  
Except this might be good, right? At least he was being honest with me instead of putting on a happy face out of fear for my ability to handle the truth.  
  
Jacob murmured in his sleep, too softly for me to decipher the words, but his eyebrows clenched together in a single line and the corners of his mouth turned down. I felt movement next to my back and looked to see his hands clutch into fists. Usually being this close to him made me go boneless with relaxation, but tonight his tension was too great to ignore.  
  
Thinking about how his touch always made me feel, I wondered if maybe it worked both ways. I had to try; he was so tightly wound up that I couldn't imagine him feeling rested in the morning even if he slept the whole night through. I slid my hand across his chest and rested it against his heart, feeling it pound against my palm. He sighed, and his eyebrows moved apart the tiniest bit. That seemed promising.  
  
Okay, next step. Sitting up slowly, I kept my right hand where it was and raised my left to rest upon his head. After a second, he sighed again, more deeply. His fingers loosened, and his forehead smoothed out. Much better. Remembering the last time he'd comforted me after a nightmare, and how his scent had rid my body of its convulsive shivering, I leaned over him and rested my face against his. Jacob breathed out, inhaled—and with the slightest shudder, fell into deep sleep, every muscle lax.  
  
I waited, leaning as lightly as I could, to be sure he was really asleep. I was scared to move, afraid that if I stirred he would tense up again. After a few minutes, I felt reasonably confident that he was out. The trouble was I was so comfortable right here that I was almost out too. Unable to force myself to go back to my side of the bed, I slid my leg inch by inch over his waist until I straddled him, then scooted down until my head was just below his collarbone. He was so big and built that my weight didn't seem to faze him in the slightest. His breathing continued, deep and even, under my belly. The feel of his chest's rise and fall lulled my eyes closed; I fell asleep to the sound of his pulse rushing under my ear.  
  
I awoke early the next morning still in the same position, except that at some point Jacob had raised his hand to rest on the small of my back. I lifted my head and saw he was already awake, meeting my eyes in the dim light with a look I couldn't interpret.  
  
"What is it?" I whispered.  
  
"How did you end up there without me noticing?" he asked quietly.  
  
I shrugged, raising myself up on my elbows. "You were really worn out."  
  
"Sure, sure," he agreed. "But…"  
  
When it didn't seem he would continue, I sat up and prompted, "Yeah?"  
  
"Feel this." He moved one of my hands to his heart, and then put the other on my own chest.  
  
I laughed a little in incomprehension. "Our hearts are beating. That's okay, right?"  
  
"No, Bells. They're beating in sync."  
  
I bit my lip as I realized he was right. "That's… um. That's really weird. Or maybe it's normal? Neither of us is used to sleeping with someone else like this." Someone else with a heart that worked, anyway.  
  
"Maybe," he said, but he sounded unconvinced.  
  
I laughed for real this time. "Oh my God. Don't tell me. You think you've imprinted on me." I slid off him and pushed back a bit; I had a feeling this discussion wasn't going to be a happy one.  
  
He shook his head, still with that look of disquiet. "No. I don't think so. I've seen the way it feels in Sam's, Quil's, and Jared's heads, and that isn't how I feel about you. I can still… I can still think without thinking of you, you know?"  
  
"That's a good thing," I said firmly. He gave me a dubious look. "It  _is_ , Jacob."  
  
"You can't pretend it wouldn't make some things way more simple," he argued.  
  
"Fuck simple," I said. He gaped. He probably didn't even think I could say "Fuck." Maybe I couldn't have before hanging out with him so much. "I'm serious. I mean it. How can I say this so you'll believe it? I  _do not want_ an imprint. I don't want a love slave. I don't want a thing-thrall."  
  
"A huh?" he asked.  
  
"A thing-thrall. Somebody who's possessed by a succubus," I explained with an irritable wave of my hand. "It's like you never  _read_."  
  
"I don't for fun," he reminded me. "Not like you, nerd."  
  
"Whatever; don't try to sidetrack me. I've been thinking about choice lately, and I'm not talking about the campaign issue. Imprinting takes away choices. It makes things that should be prospects into mandates. I hate imprinting."  
  
He sat up slowly. "I guess I didn't know you felt that strongly about it."  
  
"It's become a favorite topic for obsession," I said dryly. "For reasons I hope I don't have to lay out for you."  
  
Jacob lifted his hand to hold my face, rubbing his thumb along my cheek. "Nope. I've been thinking about it a lot too. But I haven't been hoping for it, if that's been worrying you."  
  
I held his hand against me. "Not much. Maybe a little. Mostly I just worry about some uncontrollable genetic imperative taking you away from me forever."  
  
"Oh, is that all?" he teased. I half-smiled back, relieved to see his customary happy grin but still unsettled. "Glad to know it's nothing major." And then he kissed me.  
  
I turned my face away from him. "No, I don't want to. I'm upset now." Plus neither of us had brushed our teeth, and I'd been serious about that.  
  
"Now I  _know_ we're not imprinted," he laughed. "Sam'd be devastated if Emily turned him down like that."  
  
"I'm going to get ready. Is Charlie home?"  
  
"Yeah, but he's asleep."  
  
I grabbed clothes on the way out and dressed in the bathroom. My vampire-bite scar felt particularly cold after being pressed up to all that heat for the night; I rubbed it, trying to dispel the chill. When I got back, Jacob took his turn and reappeared a lot faster, considering he didn't have to dress.  
  
"Maybe you should start keeping clothes here," I suggested.  
  
He nodded. "Yeah, that might not be a bad idea." He sat down on the bed, watching as I tied my shoes. "Still mad?"  
  
I giggled, still looking at my shoes as I adjusted the laces. "Jeez, Jake, be more obvious. I don't think I can see through these subtle hints of yours. No, I'm not still mad, and yes, please…" He moved in, grasping my waist and settling me on his lap. "Kiss me," I whispered, just before his lips took over mine. I clung to him, letting the reassuring excitement flood me.  _This_ was the single biggest favor my body had ever done for me, maybe the only favor: the straightforward physiological responses from desire that chased away every bit of painful thought, doubt, and regret about Edward, about my future, about whether or not I could give my best friend what he needed from me. I raised myself up to straddle his waist, crushing myself to him while I opened my mouth under his. Oooh,  _yes_. Brain off, body on, just…like…that…  
  
Jacob grunted and gripped me, a little too tightly, at my hips. I whimpered, and he instantly let go, whispering, "Charlie."  
  
"What?" I asked, my wits dulled by lust.  
  
He stood up, arms loose around me. "His heart just sped up and he quit snoring. I think he's awake. Gotta go; I'll meet you at the treaty line at two o'clock, okay?"  
  
"Okay," I said, kissing him once, twice, three times as he backed toward the window, still holding me up high enough to reach him. He laughed against my mouth, but his hands were eager, all over me even as he retreated. "What?"  
  
"I just didn't expect…" He stopped when I kissed him again. "…you to be this way about this sort of thing."  
  
"Me neither. Turns out, it's a hell of a lot easier than almost everything else." I kissed him once more before he pulled away, still laughing, and leaped out.  
  
"Jake!" I whispered, leaning out even though I knew it was unnecessary for him to hear me.  
  
He tilted his face up to reply, and I caught my breath at the happiness I saw there. My sun was shining again. I did that for him.  
  
"What?" he asked after a second.  
  
I shook my head, trying to dispel the light from my eyes. "What was I… Oh, yeah. Who's here?"  
  
"Embry went home. The blond and the big one are here now. The psychic and her empath freak are showing up after that, and they'll take you to the treaty line before the bonfire tonight."  
  
"You know, I make them call you by name, Jake," I said reprovingly. "You could show a little courtesy yourself."  
  
He rolled his eyes. "Fine. Sorry." It didn't sound very sincere, but I figured I'd take what I could get. "See ya," he added, and ran into the woods.  
  
After peering into the gloom for a few minutes, I finally caught a flash of white in the shadows. I waved. Emmett grumbled, "About time you saw us; I thought it was doing it by  _yourself_ that made you go blind," loud enough for me to hear.  
  
"Oh God," I squeaked in mortification, ducking back inside.  
  
I heard Rosalie say, "Emmett," but she laughed while she said it—and she made certain I could hear too. The two of them were such a matched pair that she'd probably been thinking the same thing. Then she added, "Some people _really love_  their lapdogs. It's not for us to judge."  
  
"Oh  _God_ ," I said again, clapping my hands over my ears.  
  
That afternoon, Alice and Jasper picked me up in the Volvo. Jasper, ever the gentleman, let me have the front passenger seat while Alice drove. They were both quieter than usual—their commitment to each other didn't require much conversation, but this was kind of weird. Even stranger, Alice drove the speed limit although there wasn't a single cop on the road.  
  
"What's up?" I asked finally. "Are you guys okay?" Jasper lifted his head from staring at his folded hands, and I pointed at him. "No mood tricks. Please. Just tell me what's going on."  
  
Alice sighed. "It's not your problem, Bella."  
  
As soon as she said it, I knew. "What's wrong with Edward?" I demanded.  
  
Jasper gave a mirthless chuckle. "I told you, darlin'."  
  
Alice smiled sadly at him in the rearview mirror. "It wasn't as though I didn't know myself." Speaking to me, she said, "Edward… Is having a hard time right now, Bella."  
  
"What kind of hard time?" I demanded, trying to keep from getting too intense with the worry.  
  
"When we fall in love—it's not like humans. We change so rarely, and when we do change, it's usually drastic. Edward needs to learn how to live without you in his life and the transition… Well, let's just say he's not handling it well at the moment. But it's not your fault, and it's not your responsibility." Alice raised her hand to rub my shoulder.  
  
"How is it not my responsibility?" I said blankly. Guilt and shame washed over me in a poisonous wave. "How is it not my fault, Alice? I made him leave. I threw us away. If he can't adjust—"  
  
She pointed at me. "Stop right there, Isabella Swan. I don't want to hear another word from you. No more taking responsibility for everything that happens to the people who care about you. This is not your fault; it's his, for leaving you the first time, for overreacting to something that was bound to happen eventually as long as he refused to change you the way I  _told him was going to happen—_ " Frustration had speeded up her words to make them nearly impossible to understand. She stopped and held herself motionless except for the minute adjustments necessary for driving. After a moment, she continued, "He has all six of us there for him. Even Rosalie. He'll come out okay."  
  
Jasper spoke up again, which probably made for a new record around me—usually he couldn't talk because he was holding his breath against my smell. His voice was wretched with guilt. "Bella, this isn't your fault. It's mine. If I hadn't lost control—"  
  
"Oh, don't," Alice and I said in near-identical tones of exasperation. I continued, "Jasper, it wasn't your fault. You fight your own nature almost every hour of every day. Just because you lost the battle that one time—"  
  
Alice interrupted, but she trilled so fast that I didn't comprehend a thing. Whatever she said, it made his face go soft with love for her as he met her eyes in the mirror. I sighed; once I had possessed that same sort of adamantine devotion from another. Maybe I still had it for the taking, but I no longer could reach out my hand and grasp the offering that lay before me. I didn't have the wherewithal.  
  
Slowness notwithstanding, we were approaching the treaty boundary. I could see Jake in the distance, leaning on the Rabbit. There were all kinds of devotion.  
  
"Now watch, Jaz," Alice murmured.  
  
I glanced at her, puzzled. "Watch what?"  
  
She frowned at Jacob. "Doesn't he own a shirt? For heaven's sake."  
  
I smiled. "I think he does it for effect when he can't be in wolf form around you guys." I realized she'd successfully distracted me and wrinkled my forehead. "But, Alice, what do you want—"  
  
"Well, this has been fun, but I don't want you to be late," Alice spoke over me with a sunny smile, suddenly stomping on the gas to bring us over ninety miles an hour, then pulling on the handbrake and twisting the wheel sharply without skipping a beat. We did three full circles before coming to a stop exactly parallel to Jacob's car.  
  
"Alice," I gasped, trying to unclench my fingers from the door handle.  
  
Simultaneously, Jasper asked, "In the  _Volvo_?"  
  
Jacob had straightened to full attention, but his pride wouldn't allow him to show anything other than detached interest. I could see him working not to run over, not to look impressed.  
  
I, on the other hand, felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I clawed at the handle until the door finally swung open, and tried to get out twice before realizing my seatbelt was still buckled. I fumbled at it until it gave and then fell out on the pavement.  
  
"Bells!" Jacob knelt and lifted me up by my shoulders, pulling me to his side. I clutched at him, trembling with terror, trying to catch my breath. He frowned at Alice. "You shouldn't have done that with her in the car; you know how she gets about speed."  
  
"I didn't want her to miss her extreme sports days," Alice replied cheerily.  
  
I leaned into Jake, gulping for air; he rubbed my back and murmured, "It's okay, honey. You're all right. She's just playing, you know that."  
  
I did know that. Why was I so freaked out?  
  
When my shivers didn't stop, Jake wrapped his arms around me, splaying both hands across my back and crooning wordlessly. I sighed, finally able to take a deep breath. The quivering fear dropped away like an ill-fitting robe; instead, the usual Jacob-induced sense of well-being surrounded me. With it returned the ability to think clearly. I turned a suspicious look on the vampires. "Jasper—"  
  
"Well, I can see you've got everything in hand here." Alice gave a little wave; Jasper vanished from the back seat and appeared next to her. "See you tomorrow, Bella!" She threw the car in gear and zoomed away.  
  
"What the fuck was that?" Jacob wondered aloud as the Volvo dwindled in the distance.  
  
I shook my head, mystified. "I don't have a clue."


	20. Bonfire

That night, I walked with Jacob from his place to the bonfire that had been set up. I met Leah's brother Seth, the youngest werewolf, who couldn't have been more different than his sister; he was nothing but puppy eagerness and adoration toward the older boys, who treated him with affectionate tolerance. Clearly, discovering he was a werewolf had been some sort of comfort for his father's death. I watched his grin flash and wondered if this sort of easy happiness was what Leah had exuded before vampires had ruined her life—however unintentionally and indirectly.

The boys and Emily and Kim welcomed me with open arms, pulling me into their circle with ease. I belonged with them as I did with so few other humans because they decided I needed to belong, because Jacob loved me and everybody knew it, although they had to also know I'd given him no certainty to justify his devotion.

Jared introduced me to Kim about five times, each time treating the object of his imprint with the same awe I'd seen people display when describing a religious experience. By the fourth time she was giggling uncontrollably and I'd given up on assuring him that we had, in fact, already met, because he was too busy staring at Kim to hear me.

"Hey Bella!" Paul came up to me, ducking past Jared, two-liter of Cherry Coke in one hand and an entire bag of chips in the other. "Did you get tired of jerking Jake around and decide to give one of us a chance?"

For once, my mind and my mouth worked together. I demurred, "No, I haven't crushed him into tiny pieces yet, Paul. Give me a month and it'll be your turn." Paul looked startled, then laughed and repeated what I'd said to anyone who would listen.

Sue Clearwater was there, too; I didn't know what to say to her—this was the first time I'd seen her since her husband passed away— but finally I edged my way to her side when she was alone for a second and quietly offered my condolences. She hugged me and said thank you, so I guessed I'd done the right thing.

Billy also had managed to navigate the rocky soil to the fire—how, I had no idea. I overheard Jacob arguing with him in an undertone as Billy clutched a half-liter of diet soda under one arm and devoured hot dogs and pork and beans with his free hand.

"Dad, I know it's not dessert, but the nutritionist said that processed meats and canned beans like that are totally filled with corn syrup—"

"I  _know_ that, son, I was there when she said it."

"Well, then, why don't you act like it? That shit is gonna kill you, Dad—"

Billy turned glittering black eyes on his son; I felt like cringing even though I didn't think they knew I could hear and see them. Everybody else studiously talked a little too loudly and looked in other directions. "Don't speak to me that way. I'm a grown man and I'll do as I like."

Jacob wanted to press his point, I could tell, but he glanced around and let the matter drop. After a minute, Seth walked over bearing a plate loaded down with six hot dogs and offered it to him. Jake forced a smile and took the whole thing.

There was one more guest at the bonfire, one who caused a lot more trouble than the rest: Claire. Emily had brought her while Claire's mother went out, and maybe she'd underestimated how much trouble a two-year-old can be because it seemed like every time she turned her back to open another bag of chips or package of buns, Claire tried to kill herself. Leah, who sported a new pixie cut instead of her former long locks, flat-out refused to have anything to do with the matter: "Just because I have ovaries doesn't mean I'm the default babysitter," she growled, and I had to admit she had a point. I had almost no history with toddlers, so I just watched as the more experienced of the boys, plus Sue, wrangled her away from danger every other minute.

I expected Quil to be foremost in the Claire-care posse, but I spotted him sitting cross-legged alone on the far side of the fire. He looked… dull. How weird. He'd always been so outgoing and sure of himself, navigating every social situation with ease, and now he was avoiding everyone. Seth jumped next to him and tried to talk; Quil answered shortly. After a second, Seth gave up. Pity stirred in my chest; I went to join him.

"Hey. What's up?" I asked, plopping down beside him on the ground.

Quil shook his head. "Not much." He spoke in a monotone; his mouth pulled down into an unconscious frown.

"Are you okay, Quil?" I patted his hand.

He snorted quietly. "Oh yeah, Bella. Everybody thinks I'm next up on  _To Catch a Predator._  It's fuck-awesome." He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands.

I sat in silence for a moment, and then said, "I don't think so, Quil. Jake just feels bad for you. It's freaky, but it's not your fault."

On the far side of the fire, Claire eluded her caretakers and sped around the circle. About two feet away from us, she tripped over a rock and started falling into the flames. I gasped and went up on my knees, but before I could make a grab for her she hung suspended in mid-air. Quil had caught her with one hand while keeping the other over his eyes.

"Quil!" she shrieked, only because she was two she couldn't say it right, so it came out sounding like "Quee-oo."

He held her suspended at arm's length and swung her around like a crane, still with his eyes averted, depositing her into my lap. "Um. Quil, I don't—" I started.

Claire gave me a toothy grin and said, "Hi lady!" Her dark curls bounced around her round cheeks as she straightened.

"Hi," I replied. It seemed the polite thing to do.

"I Claire and I this many years old," she introduced herself, holding up two fingers in a "V."

"I'm Bella." I figured I'd skip the age part of the intro. "Are you having fun?"

"Uh-huh. That my Em'y, and that my Sue, and that my Lee-Lee—" I looked where she pointed and saw to my surprise that she was indicating Leah. Hm. So "Lee-Lee" wasn't as anti-kid as she acted, not that I blamed her for disdaining the traditional role around a bunch of thoughtless guys. "That my Sam, and this my Quee-oo," she cooed, leaning from the circle of my arms to pat his shoulder. He shuddered away like a horse with a fly on its coat; at the same time, his head tilted toward the sound of her voice.

"Did you eat yet?" I asked. "I have some beans if you want them."

"Yes p'ease," she replied. Her mom must've really drilled that into her, because I didn't think most two-year-olds were that polite. Usually kids her size in the grocery store or restaurants seemed to be demanding food at the top of their lungs or throwing sugar packets. I lifted the plate and offered her the fork, but she seemed to think plastic cutlery an unnecessary convention and went for it with her hands instead. When she'd eaten most and dropped some on my lap, I caught her fingers before they could smear across my hair or her dress.

"Hold on a sec; I think we need a—" A big hand appeared in front of me. I saw that Quil had at some point gotten up and retrieved a handful of napkins and now offered them. "Okay, here we go, baby." I scrubbed the tiny digits dry.

She yawned hugely when I was done. "I s'eepy. Quee-oo, you cuddle me?"

He didn't look at her, but his voice was very gentle. "I'm sorry, Claire, I can't. Why don't you ask Bella if she will?"

"I don't—" I started, but she turned those big black eyes up at me and smiled. Before I knew it, she'd snuggled down into my arms and her eyelids had drifted shut. Dang, kids turned heavy when they passed out like that. I couldn't deny that she was a sweet little girl, though.

"Here, let me," Jacob said, sitting down on my other side. Moving slowly, we completed the transfer from my embrace to his.

"Ouch," I said, rubbing my forearm where her head had rested. "Her head weighs like twenty pounds when she's asleep."

"Cream-puff," he teased. "You need to start lifting weights or something if you can't even handle a two-year-old."

I lifted my head to retort, but the words stalled out before I could speak. I stared at him, struck dumb by the picture of him with a tiny child, although he didn't seem to notice. He shifted her weight to one side and used the other hand to grab his two-liter and drink. I gazed at the little girl, getting my first good look that wasn't through a haze of near-panic; her head lolled in the crook of his arm, ridiculously long eyelashes brushing her brown cheeks. Jacob cradled her as if he dealt with her every day, clearly more used to children than me, although I couldn't think how. Claire stirred; he set down his bottle, murmured, "Sshh," and laid his hand on her head, stilling her. I edged closer, fascinated with how the firelight gleamed in her hair, with the delicate flush on her face, with the tiny rosebud mouth. I raised one finger and traced the perfect curve of her ear. Rosalie's voice echoed in my mind: _"Have you ever thought about children of your own? ...It's not something that should be thrown away without a lot of thought."_

"She's so  _beautiful,_ " I breathed, and realized too late the statement had been made with all the fervor of the double rainbow guy. I lifted my gaze and met Jacob's; his face was solemn. Did he know I was imagining what our children might look like, if we ended up together? Shouldn't he look more terrified if he did know?

Before Jacob could speak, assuming he meant to, Billy cleared his throat and began to tell the tale of Dokibatt the Changer, who came upon two wolves on Quileute land and transformed them into people, beginning the warrior society of the Quileute tribe. I half-listened as he moved on to the second part of the story, which involved body-possession and the discovery of deliberate phasing. The rise and fall of Claire's chest, the little sighing noises she made as she slept, and most of all how natural she looked in Jacob's arms kept distracting me from the recounting. Jacob nudged me and redirected my attention to Billy when it got to the most interesting part, about how the spirit-wolves fought vampires and—oh, ew, did he mean there was powdered vampire corpse ash in that bag around his neck? Gross.

"Don't ask me why she couldn't have just cut her hand instead of killing herself," Jacob whispered to me when Billy talked about the Third Wife, who sacrificed herself to distract a vampire from her husband long enough for him to defeat his enemy.

"It makes a better story," I whispered back. "And maybe she didn't want to live after her sons died."

"Ssh." Jared reminded us that whispers meant nothing in our present company.

Billy wrapped up the story by reminding everybody why they did what they did, why they made such dreadful sacrifices of autonomy and free will—for the protection of the tribe and its land, for the good of everyone really. Quil finally lifted his face from his hands at this point, but his features were still set in a bleak mask. I gave him a sympathetic look, but he didn't notice. At some point, without me seeing how or when, his body had reoriented itself so that it was turned toward Claire even though his head still faced the bonfire.

"Here, let me take her," Emily said, bustling over when the circle began to break up and holding out her arms. "Thanks so much for watching her, Jake. You too, Bella." She directed a smile my way. Her eyes slid to Quil, who was hunched over and scratching the ground with a rock while determinedly ignoring her. She frowned, caught herself, and smiled again as Jacob angled the toddler into her embrace. "All right," she whispered, patting Claire's back as the little girl murmured. "All right, baby. Let's get you back to your bed."

"Quee-oo," Claire sighed in her sleep. Emily caught her breath and looked at Quil. He just lowered his head even more.

I looked around. Everyone was packing up food, talking and fading into the darkness as they walked away. Only Jacob, Quil and I remained.

"Make sure you douse everything," Billy reminded us before Jared and Paul picked up his chair between the two of them and trudged off.

After another few minutes, the three of us were alone. Jacob got up and moved to sit on Quil's opposite side. None of us spoke; the tension weighted our mouths closed.

At last, Jacob shoved Quil a little bit with his shoulder. "Hey. You gonna sit here all night?"

"Fuck off, Jake, I—" Quil started, but then his face crumpled with shocking suddenness. He covered it with his hands again, sobbing in the rough, unpracticed way of a guy who'd never learned how to cry.

Jacob stared at him, nonplussed, then directed a panicked glance my way. I gave him a reproving look and went up on my knees to wrap my arms around Quil. For a dreadful second, he went stiff and I thought he would shove me away, but he turned and buried his head in my shoulder, still weeping in those awful, throat-tearing sobs.

"Ssh," I whispered, patting his back. "Ssh. Everybody knows it's not your fault. It'll be okay."

I didn't know if I spoke the truth or not. The despair radiating off of Quil made me wonder if he'd ever be okay again.

After a few minutes, he pulled away and said, "I gotta go. Sorry, I—I gotta go." He turned and ran, the opposite direction from where Emily had taken Claire. A second later he exploded into his wolf form, sending shreds of clothing everywhere, and kept on running.

I looked at Jacob. "That might be the saddest thing I've seen in… well, a while anyway."

He nodded. "As long as he tries to fight it, it's going to be this way, but he feels like he has to work against the imprint or Claire'll be damaged by being raised with him and by him." I made a face, sympathy and revulsion; he nodded. "This sucks donkey dick."

I snorted in spite of myself. "You have such a way with words. Thanks for that mental image. People aren't really… They don't hate him, do they?"

Jacob shrugged. "Nah. They know it's not his fault. He hates himself. Underneath the imprint, he kind of hates her. It's all kinds of fucked up."

Together, we doused the flames and used a bucket to dump earth on top of the embers just in case. As we ambled our way back in the dark, Jacob tucked me under his arm. "Stay close so I can keep you from tripping, Bells. I've got the advantage at night."

"You've got the advantage round the clock," I grumbled, but I wound one arm around his waist. Neither of us was in a hurry to rejoin the rest of humanity, so we walked as slowly as we could, carving out one section of our night for just Jake and Bella. As we drew near to his house, I said, "You're not going to hit on me while we're in your house, are you?"

"You don't want me to?" he asked, smiling.

"I didn't say that," I replied, too quickly. He laughed at me as I blushed. "I mean, it's not that, it's just it seems really wrong when your dad's invited me over as a guest for my protection; like I'm abusing his hospitality or something." Jacob grunted in acknowledgement, lifting me up for a second to float over some obstacle. When he put me down, I asked, "Was he really mad at you tonight? For saying what you did?"

"Yeah. But it's because he knows I'm right." Jacob kicked a rock; it sailed up and out of sight. I listened; after about thirty seconds I heard a thud as it landed. There didn't seem to be any reply that was appropriate. I stayed silent until we got to his house. Jacob had to run patrols, so I went straight to bed.

That night, I dreamed. It started out the same as ever: the cold dark woods, me running frantically after Edward, catching only the merest glimpse of white leading me on until at last my human body forced me to give up the chase. It changed then; Jacob found me, but he offered no comfort, merely leaned back against a tree trunk looking over my shoulder. I turned, and Edward stood there behind me. I threw myself toward him, but he vanished, reappearing between me and Jacob. Jacob phased and lunged, snarling, at Edward. The two of them fought while I watched, caught in the voiceless ineffectiveness of dreamland. Finally, they came to a checkmate: Jacob's teeth at Edward's throat, Edward's hand ready to dig out Jacob's heart from his chest. I found a knife in my hand and cut my wrist. Blood flowed from the wound. Both of them stopped their combat and turned toward me, but it was too late. The blood turned into a river and carried me away. The last thing I saw was their silhouettes, dwindling in the distance, as the implacable current bore me toward the sea.

I awoke with a start, tears on my face, but I didn't scream. At some point, Jacob had crept in to join me. He slept on the floor, but one hand rested on my own at the mattress' edge, anchoring me to safety. I clutched his fingers and stared at the ceiling until my breathing calmed enough to let me go back to sleep.


	21. Guilt

I awoke and rolled over to see Jacob looking at me from the floor. Our hands lay on the mattress, still joined.

"When'd you get in?" I asked, rubbing his palm with my thumb.

He sat up, running his hands through his hair and then resting his elbows on his up drawn knees as he leaned against the bed. "About five; no sign of the leech, though, so it was pretty boring."

"After I go back home, you should get some sleep," I suggested, scooting off the bed to sit next to him.

"I'll try. I don't…" He snapped his mouth shut and turned red under the brown.

I couldn't stop the smile from spreading over my face. It was pretty rare to make Jacob blush. "What is it?"

"I don't want to tell you because you'll make fun of me," he said after a minute, while I stared at him in amazement and he turned more and more red. "Also, possibly be completely grossed out."

"I've told you so much stupid stuff and that's what you're worried about?" I exclaimed. "Please, Jake. Just tell me."

"I don't…" He sighed, and started over. "It's not like I've been this way since I met you, okay? But… I can't sleep without you now."

I crinkled my forehead. "But we've only slept in the same bed a few times. Are you telling me that you've been sleep deprived for months or something?"

"No. Not months. Just… okay, maybe one month. Ever since that time when I took you home after Leah jumped you. Remember how you fell asleep with me in your bed, after you had that bad dream?"

"Yeah." I bolted up straight and gaped at him. "It's been that long since you've gotten a decent night's sleep?"

"No. Not really. After you spent the night, my sheets smelled like you so I could rest until my dad got all domestic one day and washed them. A couple of times I ran to your house and, um… Shit." He sighed. "If your window was open, I could catch your scent, so I'd sleep in my wolf form outside. And I know that's really creepy, and I'm really, really sorry. I swear to God I never looked in or watched you dress or anything gross like that."

"At least you didn't oil the window frame," I murmured absentmindedly, patting his hand. Jacob gave me a puzzled look. "Don't ask. So what changed? Why can't you sleep without me? Is that why you passed out so hard on the airplane both times?"

"Yeah, it's been kind of bad. More like awful. I don't know what happened. I have these shitty dreams where I'm trying to catch a leech, but when I finally get the drop on him turns out it's Edward—" I flinched; automatically he said, "Sorry. But it's him, and he's up in a tree watching you walk around and around in circles in those woods behind your house calling for him. The worst part is he looks so damn gutted that I can't do what I came to do. So I end up going to get you instead, but by the time I've made up my mind you're already all curled up in a fucking ball like you were when Sam found you…" He stopped again, shaking his head, but this time it was as if he was trying to hold in his emotion.

I leaned against him, stroking his arm. "I'm okay now. I'm okay. I promise."

He turned his face to rest against my hair. "I know that. I guess my sleeping self doesn't, though. I heard you talk in your sleep when I was there, so that probably didn't help."

"What'd I say?" I asked in dread.

"You called his name some. You begged him not to go. You talked about your dad, about your mom. You kept on saying you were sorry. You told some girl named Lori or something that she was a bitch. You talked about me a lot. Or, I mean, you talked to me. You kept on saying, 'my Jacob.' I liked that." He smiled down at me. "You told me you loved me. You said you were sorry you couldn't be sure if you were in love with me."

"I did not," I gasped, feeling my face take its turn in the blush department.

"No, you did! I swear. You think I'd make up girly shit like that? I feel like I should be checking to see if my balls are still where they belong anyway, getting all emo and not able to sleep without smelling you, I mean, Jesus."

I thought about what he'd said. Probably I should be majorly creeped out right now, but… I wasn't; after all, this was Jacob. In fact, I was kind of turned on. Bella Swan, freak show, loved knowing that her hot best friend needed her to get a good night's sleep. We were a real pair. "Well, I can take care of that, at least." I walked over to the bedroom door, which he'd conscientiously left ajar, closed and locked it. "Your dad's not up, is he?"

"No." He eyed me. "What're you doing, Bells?"

I turned to look at him and took a deep breath for courage. It's no worse than a bathing suit. Never mind that I hadn't owned a two-piece in years. "Your sheets smell like me now, so that'll be good for a while, but I don't want to leave you up a creek. You need some backup in case Billy decides to do laundry again." I unbuttoned my pajama shirt.

"Holy shit," he muttered, sitting up straighter. His eyes didn't know where to go, but they settled on my boobs after a second. I wore a bra underneath in deference to any possible run-ins with Billy on my way to the bathroom, but Jacob looked pretty happy anyway. I tossed the shirt; it landed on his head.

His response made me bolder. By the time he pulled it off his face, I'd pushed my pajama pants down to my ankles and stepped out. I threw those to him too. "There. Now you've got stuff that couldn't smell more like me. Bag it up and stick it in a drawer so the scent lasts. If you need something else, just let me know."

"You're not going to throw the underwear in too?" he joked, but he lifted my pants and looked at them with an odd smile.

"What is it?" I scurried to my overnight bag and pulled out jeans and a T-shirt.

He indicated the pants while I sat down on the bed to put on my jeans. "These still smell like both of us, from the other morning."

I gulped, feeling myself turn so red I probably glowed like a stoplight. "I washed them! I used the extra rinse cycle!" I held out my hand. "Give those back, perv."

"No fucking way," Jacob retorted, snatching them out of my reach as he rose to his feet. "I know you washed them, I can smell the detergent too, but there's only so much you can do about sex."

"Almost sex," I corrected, hiding under the pretense of putting on my shirt.

"I'm pretty sure it wouldn't smell any different if we'd gone all the way." He disappeared and came back a moment later with a grocery bag tied off, the pajamas inside. He threw it into his dresser. "Are you hungry?"

"A little." We decided on Eggos for breakfast. While we waited for the toaster to do its thing, I asked, "What's the plan for today?"

"You're going to be with the lee—okay, sorry, the Cullens, for most of the day. A couple of us will come down to keep an eye on things at night. I don't know who Sam's decided on."

"Can you come even if he doesn't pick you?"

"My dad's gonna start noticing and complaining if I'm always drawing the dead-of-night shift. I mean, he'll blame Sam, but no way will Sam cover for me if one of the tribal council leaders starts making noise, especially not my dad." I made a disappointed sound; he pulled me in for a sideways hug. "I know. It sucks."

The waffles popped up. I ate mine plain; Jacob threw his on a plate and put two more in the toaster. Two more rounds of toasting later, he finally had enough and took me to the treaty line, where Rosalie and Emmett waited in their HMMWV.

"Don't you dare make me stink on purpose," I warned just before Jacob pulled up. "It makes me feel like you're lifting your leg on me or something."

He put the car in idle and lifted his hands to show he was harmless. "Hey, no territory marking until you actually, you know, decide to sign that title over."

"If I do," I added, just to mess with him.

Instead of getting upset, though, he laughed. "Yeah. If you do. I got it."

I narrowed my eyes. "You're awfully confident all of a sudden. What's the deal?"

"Bells, I'm not that confident. I know you could decide to go back to Edward or tell me to get lost because of the imprinting or whatever the hell. It's just… I had you in my room last night. You gave me your clothes. You don't care if I kiss you or that I can't sleep without your scent. A few months ago that was more than I could've hoped for. I guess I'm just happy to get what I've got, for now."

His face was wide open, totally honest. I looked at him for a moment, and then leaned to kiss him on the mouth, sliding across the car until I landed sideways in his lap. He froze in surprise for just a second, but of course he was up for anything I threw from that direction; almost immediately, his hands grabbed my back and yanked me closer. After a minute, I pulled away and said, "Seriously. You are so cool."

His eyes were heavy-lidded with wanting me, but he managed to say, "Yeah, I rock. I know."

I laughed while I worked my way out of my side of the car, picking up my bag as I went. "I'll see you later. Call me or text or something."

I expected Emmett to say something snarky about the dog stench as soon as I climbed into the back seat, but Rosalie and he just greeted me and waited until I got buckled in before pulling out. The silence oppressed me until at last I demanded, "Okay, is it still Edward? Or is something else wrong?"

"It's still Edward," Emmett blurted. Rosalie smacked him on the back of the head. "What? It is."

"What's he doing?" I asked in dread.

They hesitated, but Rosalie was more interested in her brother's well-being than protecting me. "He's not doing anything, Bella. That's the problem. He won't move. He won't hunt. He won't answer when we speak to him. He's frozen in a ball on the floor like a little—" She stopped talking abruptly.

"Like a damn pussy," Emmett muttered.

She rolled her eyes at him. "You act as though you would deal with it better than he if I left you, Emmett."

"Nah, babe. You couldn't leave all this behind," he said confidently, lifting one arm to flex his muscles.

I tried to hide the fact that I couldn't breathe, but both of them noticed immediately of course. "What is it?" Rosalie demanded. "Should I pull over? Do you need a doctor?"

"No—" I gasped, giving into the urge to hunch over and clutch my chest. "Panic—attack—had them—months now—"

"Your heartbeat's ridiculous," she snapped. "I'm taking you to Carlisle. I don't even want to imagine what Alice will do to me if anything happens to you on my watch."

"It's—not—necessary—" I tried to explain, but she'd already changed course and started heading toward their house.

When we arrived, Rosalie and Emmett each grabbed one of my arms and practically carried me inside. Carlisle and Esmé waited for us by the door. "What is it?" Esmé exclaimed as we entered. "Oh, Bella dear—"

"It's okay—" I started, but then winced and had to stop.

"She says it's a panic attack but neither of us has ever bothered getting an M.D. so I wanted to be sure nothing more serious is happening," Rosalie explained.

Carlisle nodded. "Hm, yes, bring her to the sofa please." Once they got me situated, he sat next to me, listening; no need for a stethoscope here. "Have you had the panic attacks diagnosed by a professional, Bella?" I nodded. "And does this feel any different from the episodes you've experienced in the past?" I shook my head, trying to calm my breathing down and failing miserably, because I knew Edward could hear all of this. "All right. This is what I'd like you to do, Bella. Starting now, count each breath as you take it. Count silently." I obeyed. Almost immediately, my chest loosened. "You're right; this is just a panic attack. You're physically well, and this will pass soon. Do you have any Xanax?"

I shook my head no. "I didn't want it," I said, surprised to hear my voice come out almost normal.

"That's fine. Keep counting until the constriction in your chest has completely loosened. You'll be all right. Do you need to walk around?"

"No thanks," I answered. After a few more minutes counting breaths, the awful pain eased with sudden completeness. I sighed in relief. "Okay. I'm really sorry about that."

Esmé comforted, "Don't apologize, Bella. How terrible these must be for you."

"How far were you from La Push when the attack started?" a new voice asked. I looked up to see Jasper standing next to the steps. Well, that explained how my lungs were already working right; usually I carried around shortness of breath for hours.

"Five-point-three miles," Rosalie answered. He nodded as if unsurprised. "But it was the news about Edward that seemed to trigger it."

"Do you think—would it help, or would it be bad, for me to see him?" I asked tentatively.

They all looked at each other. At last, Carlisle said, "I'm fairly certain it wouldn't be detrimental, Bella. He's up in his room."

I climbed the stairs for the first time since my birthday party, leaving the rest of the family behind. When I got to Edward's door, I paused for a second, and then entered with a light knock. Alice and Edward sat next to each other on the floor. Her hand rested on his back; she seemed to be whispering to him but the words were in a frequency I couldn't pick up. Edward didn't appear to hear anything; his eyes were open but they stared blankly into space. His arms were wrapped so tightly around his knees I was surprised his legs didn't crack under the pressure. I thought of Quil, fighting so hard against the imprint on Claire that he almost couldn't speak. I knew Edward was fighting the same battle, and I felt the fault-lines in my heart tremble.

Alice raised her head as I entered her line of vision. "Oh, thank goodness," she said, sitting back. "See if you can talk any sense to him."

I knelt before Edward, resting my hands on his knees. "Edward," I said softly. When he didn't respond, I ran my fingers up the flawless marble of his arms, then down again to his hands, shivering with pleasure and cold. "Edward. It's me. It's Bella."

Still no response.

I tilted up and forward, laying my hands on his shoulders. "Edward," I crooned. "Edward. Come back."

He didn't move, but I sensed him listening.

I cradled his face in my hands and leaned until my nose touched his, breathing my human warmth into lungs that didn't need air. "Come back to me," I whispered. Under my touch, he seemed to become malleable once more. He inhaled, for the first time since I'd come in, and the chilled sweetness of his breath drifted across my lips.

"Bella." He said it in the exact same tone he'd used when I'd tackled him in Volterra, when he'd thought we were both dead and he was in heaven.

I bit my lip to hold in a sob. "Edward." I stroked his hair. "Edward, I'm here. I'm here. Don't do this anymore, okay? Come back, just for a little bit." I moved to sit beside him and wrapped my arms around him. "Just for a little while, okay? You need to take care of yourself."

"He hasn't hunted in two weeks," Alice said in grim tones that sat poorly in that bell-like voice. "I lied to you to get you to come over on Friday without being worried about him. He's been sitting here since the night he dropped you off. Even Jasper can't do anything with him. If he keeps on this way…"

"Do you hear that?" I said softly into his ear. "Your family is worried about you. They love you. I love you, too." I tried the argument that had the best chance of getting through: "Edward, seeing you like this hurts us all. Please don't hurt me." A flash of guilt shot through me; this must have been what it was like for Charlie after Edward had taken off in September.

He shuddered a little, as if his body struggled to remember how to operate the limbs. "Bella," he repeated.

I knew what he needed to hear. "Yes, it's me. I'm really here; you're not imagining it. I came upstairs to see you."

One more shudder, and then his arms opened. His knees unbent, and he turned his head to bury his face in my hair. I reached up to hold him to me. "You came," he whispered in a voice pale with disuse. "To see me?"

"I didn't mean to come to the house, but I'm glad it happened," I said. Honesty seemed to be the best policy at this point. "I was with Rosalie and Emmett and they brought me here."

He was silent for a moment, and then he whispered in that same thin tone, "She used it as an excuse. The panic attack. She was trying to figure out a way to bring you regardless."

"I'm not surprised." I pulled back to meet his gaze. "She's your sister, Edward. She wants you to be all right. We all do. You're not doing well right now; your eyes are almost pure black. Why don't you go hunting with Emmett? You'll feel better when you've eaten." He looked at me as though trying to memorize my features, although I knew vampire minds needed no such prompts. "Edward? Will you please go hunting so I won't worry about you? Can you do that for me, if you won't do it for you?"

"All right," he said, childlike in his obedience. "I can do that." Moving slowly, he stood and looked to me as if waiting for further direction.

"Emmett?" I murmured.

He appeared next to us, one hand under Edward's elbow. "Hey, man. Let's get out there. See if you can kick a bear's ass before I get to it, huh?" Despite his disdainful words earlier, Edward's favorite brother was solicitous as could be, helping him make his way to the open window. Edward could never do anything as ungraceful as stumble, but his feet moved slowly enough for me to see them feeling their way forward. "Come on, Ed. Let's go." Emmett wrapped one big arm around Edward's waist and leapt. Within sixty seconds they were out of sight.

I turned to Alice, but she held up a finger, listening. After another minute, she said, "All right. They're out of earshot. Bella, thank you so much for doing that."

Tears welled out of the corners of my eyes; I wiped them away impatiently. "Is this… Is this the way he's going to be, permanently?" I choked out.

"No, Bella," Carlisle said from the doorway. "It's not permanent. I've seen this before, though rarely. Eventually he will be able to function again. After some years—"

"Years?" I exclaimed in horror.

"Years are not that long when your lifespan is unlimited," he explained with a kind smile. "Edward will be able to enjoy his existence again, perhaps more so than he did before he met you because you taught him to be considerate of others, which brings some fulfillment in and of itself." He stepped forward and placed one hand on my shoulder. "I can't thank you enough for taking the time to bring him around. You've accomplished what none of the rest of us could do."

Guilt crushed me like an avalanche. "It's the least I could do considering I'm the one who incapacitated him."

Carlisle shook his head. "Bella, he incapacitated himself. You are doing what you need to do to live a human life. Not one of us would want you to make a different choice. Not even Alice."

"Mostly," she said with a half-hearted smile. She hugged me when she said it, though.

"Are you ready to go to your house and change? You have work in an hour," Rosalie said behind Carlisle.

"Yes. Thank you, Rose, for bringing me here." I added, "You're a good sister."

She smiled. "I've got good brothers, too." For the first time ever, she voluntarily touched me, looping one arm through mine and heading for the stairs. "Let's get you back home."


	22. Dreams

After I got home from work, I sat on the edge of my bed, trying not to brood. Charlie had Headline News turned up way too loud; the Seattle serial killings had made national and I winced when some of the details filtered up the stairs. Mostly, however, I just zoned out; I was trying so hard not to think about Edward that I couldn't think about anything else. When I glanced at my phone again, an hour had passed. A knock on my windowpane brought me to my feet. Looking out, I saw Jasper, of all people, balancing gracefully on the sill.

"May I come in?" he asked after I opened the window.

"Of course." I moved out of the way. When he alighted on the floor, I asked, "Is everything okay? Is Edward—"

"He'll be all right; at least, so Carlisle assures us all." Jasper walked to the center of my room. "I could feel your worry and distraction outside, so Alice sent me in to check on you. The werewolves will be here in an hour to take over, but she wanted me to see if I could help you think of something besides Edward."

The sleeve of his Inoue Brothers sweater—I knew what it was because Alice had bought a blue top for me from the same collection—slipped back, and I gasped as I caught sight of his arm for the first time. Usually when I was around him, I tried either to avoid eye contact or to minimize myself as much as possible. I liked him, because I truly believed he had a good heart, but it was common knowledge that he had to struggle with himself not to kill me on most occasions. "Jasper—you have scars just like mine!" I held out my arm, indicating the bite mark James had left there permanently. "I didn't know you could have scars."

"Vampire venom is the only thing that marks us, Bella," he answered. "I've been in more than my fair share of fights."

I narrowed my eyes. "I've never heard the story of how you hooked up with Alice. Are you the one who turned her? I know it was someone who worked in the asylum, but…"

He shook his head, a half-smile making him even more impossibly good-looking. "Not at all. Alice didn't become a vampire until nearly sixty years after I; by that time, my turning days were over."

I did the math. "So you were turned in the middle of the Civil War? Wait, you're from Texas, right? You didn't fight for the Confederacy, did you?"

Something of my confusion and disgust must have hit him, because the smile disappeared. "I did, Bella. At the time my belief in states' rights as well as my desire to make a name for myself in the fighting helped me disregard the slavery issue. I was only seventeen when I joined up."

I tried to picture Mike or Tyler taking part in such vicious fighting and failed. Then again, the wolf pack in La Push was mostly around that age, and they risked their lives on a regular basis. "Okay. That sounds like a good way to distract me. Tell me about how you got turned and met Alice." Too late, I remembered that he might have a problem staying in such close proximity to me for so long. I tried to keep the fear from my face, but that was wasted effort around Jasper.

"You needn't worry," he said gently. "Getting to know you as a person has made it much more unlikely for me to slip up. And Alice would never let me in here if she saw something like that."

"Okay. So will you please tell me?"

Obediently, he told me the story of how he'd partnered with Maria, the Machiavellian architect of the Southern vampire wars who'd used him as a tool to build her empire. The recounting of how he'd developed a conscience, become a nomad, and then wandered around trying to find a better way took the better part of an hour. When he got to the happier part, where he'd met Alice—who of course had seen him coming—in a diner, she popped up in the window.

"She accused me of making her wait," he said, directing a loving smile, the one that belonged to her alone, toward his mate.

"And like a good Southern gentleman, you ducked your head and said, 'My deepest apologies, ma'am,'" Alice beamed. "Such a sweetheart." She looked at me. "The wolves are here. We're going to get going. Don't worry about Edward, Bella; we'll take care of him."

"Sure," I said wanly. "See you."

The two jumped out and drove away. I peered out of the window, but didn't see anything. I whispered, "Hi guys," anyway, then went to my backpack and pulled out  _Wuthering Heights_ , which was getting more and more awful by the page. "This crap needs at least one halfway sympathetic character," I grumbled to myself, curling up on my bed and opening the book. Too bad Emily Brontë didn't agree with me. I winced my way through twenty pages and then woke up drooling onto the spine.

"Nice," I muttered, wiping off my mouth, then the cover.

"Sure is," Jacob laughed behind me.

I started so violently I fell off the bed, then scrambled to my feet and threw myself at him with a muffled squeal of delight. "What are you doing here?" I demanded, pulling back to wrap my arms around his neck. "When did you come in?"

"Just a couple minutes ago," he said, holding me off the ground enough that I didn't drag his neck down. "Seth's at my place. My dad's already asleep so hopefully he'll just see a huge guy sleeping in my bed and assume it's me if he has to get up in the middle of the night or whatever."

I hugged him again, but then I got embarrassed and pulled away, looking at my feet. "Sorry. I don't mean to overreact. It's just I wasn't expecting to see you and it's been pretty bad today…"

"Honey, don't apologize for being happy to see me." Jacob grabbed my hand and led me to the bed. "It's pretty much the best thing ever." He laid flat and drew me down next to him. "So what's been bad today?"

I stayed silent, tracing patterns on the skin of his chest and stomach with one finger. One ab, two abs, three abs, four…

After a minute, he closed his hand over mine. "Bells? You gonna tell me?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it."

He propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at me. "That's not normal. Usually you tell me anything." He smoothed my hair away from my face and left his hand against my cheek. "So it's about  _him_?"

I closed my eyes and nodded, leaning into his palm. He didn't say anything. I stayed still, not wanting to tilt the balance between us one way or another.

"Okay," he finally said, so quietly I could barely hear him. "Kiss me first and then tell me."

Still not opening my eyes, I angled my chin upward and reached blindly for his head, pulling him down to me. He hummed as we brushed together; I parted my lips and let him in. He was so good at this; he made me feel as if he'd be happy just to kiss me for hours even when I knew that wasn't the case—he  _was_ still sixteen, after all. There was no urgency in his touch, though. I got the feeling he was trying to figure out what I felt toward him at the moment— _are you sorry I came? Would you rather I stay away for now? Do you still wish you belonged to him?_

I opened my mouth wider, aiming for reassurance with lips and tongue, and cradled his face in both hands:  _Hey, I'm here with you; that's what I want._

Jacob kissed the corner of my mouth, my jaw, under my ear, then buried his face in the hollow between my neck and shoulder and sighed against my skin; I felt a constriction ease around my heart that I hadn't even realized was there. "I'll tell you," I whispered, lifting my hand to caress his head.

"Good. What happened?" he murmured.

I told him about what had happened after Rosalie and Emmett picked me up. When I got to the panic attack, he frowned and rubbed my chest with the flat of his hand as if trying to dispel any leftover pain. "I'm okay," I said. "Jasper was there and he made it go away. Like, way faster than normal. That was pretty awesome, actually." He nodded; the only good vampire from his point of view was one who helped me, I guessed. I kept going, telling him about the whole interaction with Edward, how guilty I'd felt, how Carlisle and Alice had dismissed my worries.

"They're right, you know," he said. I nodded half-heartedly. Then he surprised me, adding, "But I guess I can see why you'd feel that way. He thought he'd be with you forever, too. It's his own damn fault that he isn't, but I'd be fucking destroyed if I did something that made you not want to be around me anymore. It's got to be tough to see, even if you don't want to be his anymore."

I could feel my jaw drop a little. "Did I just hear you say something sympathetic about Edward? Who are you, and what have you done with Jacob Black?"

He grinned. "Yeah, don't tell anybody or the guys in the pack'll tear me a new one." He ducked his head so I couldn't see his face, drawing his fingers in a line up and down my belly. Up, down, up, down. "Maybe," he said, low-voiced, and stopped.

I played with the longer strands of hair spiking down at the nape of his neck, wrapping them around my fingers to see if they'd curl. They fell straight every time. "Maybe what?"

"Maybe… I feel like I can afford to be… a little generous?" He raised his face and looked at me tentatively. "I mean, I'm here in your bed and you're not kicking me out."

I gave his hair a playful tug. "Not yet, anyway. Start snoring and all bets are off." He smiled a little, but he still looked uncertain, so I relented. "Yeah, you can afford to be a little generous." I sat up and dropped a kiss on top of his head. "I'm going to get ready for bed."

When I got back, he was already asleep, stretched out on his back with the pillow I usually used clutched to his chest with one arm. I giggled—wasn't it enough that he'd have me to hold? Apparently not—and lay down next to him, stroking the arm that held my pillow. After a moment, as I'd known he would, he moved to touch me and the pillow dropped free. I grabbed it and stuck it under my head, and then huffed as I remembered something. Great, I'd forgotten to get dressed for bed. I thought about getting back up, but that would mean going through the pillow reclamation all over again. It would also involve  _getting up_ , and now that I had him next to me I really, really didn't want to do that. That left me with two options: sleep with my jeans digging into my stomach or… sleep in my underwear. No question, I was going to keep my pants on.

That was the plan for all of sixty seconds, anyway, until I realized that I was burning up and getting a stomachache all at the same time. Damn skinny jeans. I kicked them off. Fine. If we ended up making out… there were definitely worse fates. Within five seconds, Jacob curled around me, pinning me against him at the waist. I was too hot at first, but after a moment, our temperatures seemed to balance each other out, and I fell asleep.

The dream began almost immediately, as if my subconscious had been crouching in wait for me. I walked through the woods behind my house, calling for Edward, but it wasn't the same desperate search that had haunted me for so many months. Daylight filtered through the pine needles, for one thing. I knew he was nearby; I just needed him to come out from wherever he hid so that I could tell him something, something important. I saw a flash of white and turned, relieved, but Jasper stood there. I started to run to him, to ask if he knew where to find Edward, but something stopped me—his eyes were red.

Standing behind him, on a fallen tree trunk, a Latina woman bent to his ear, whispering. A patch of sunlight played across one of her arms, setting off a torrent of rainbow reflections. I blinked, and Victoria stood there instead, murmuring to Jasper. Blink. Maria. Blink. Victoria. Jasper bared his teeth and darted toward me.

Before he could get halfway across the clearing in which we stood, Jacob bounded between us in wolf form, snarling and snapping. Edward dropped from the trees overhead, into a defensive crouch, alongside Jacob. The two of them closed in on Jasper and Victoria.

I jerked awake, gasping. Beside me, Jacob muttered and twitched in his sleep. I turned under his arm and buried my face in the hollow between his shoulder and neck, sliding my arm around him and holding him close. "It's okay," I whispered, uncertain as to whether I comforted him or myself. "It's okay. Everything's all right."

His eyes flew open; their gaze met mine instantly. "Are you okay?" he demanded. "Did he touch you?"

"No, you and Edward held him off till I woke up," I said, then, "Wait. What?"

"What the fuck?" he said at the same time.

"Did you just have the same dream I did?" I demanded.

"How the hell do I know?" he asked, eyebrows drawn together.

"Good question. Um, I was dreaming about the woods, I was in the woods looking for Edward, but it was different this time because it was daylight and I wasn't scared, and then Jasper was there and so was Maria—"

"Who's Maria?" Jacob interrupted my breathless recounting.

"I'll explain in a minute—and then she was Victoria, and then she got Jasper to attack me—"

"But before he could reach you I was there, and so was Edward," he filled in. "Yeah. Same dream."

We stared at each other for a long moment of silence. "Weird," I breathed at last.

"No shit," he agreed. He rolled over onto his back and took me with him so that I sprawled on his chest and stomach. "What do you think caused it?"

"The dream or us having the same one?" I asked.

"I have no fucking clue about us having the same one," he said. "Hey, when'd you take your jeans off and how did I sleep through it?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "I guess I'm not as hot as you think I am."

"Bullshit." He narrowed his eyes and slowly traced the line under my underwear's waistband with one finger along my back; I jumped and squeaked a little.

"Jake! Don't distract me; this might be kind of important." It was a half-hearted request, because oh my  _God_ I was about to die now, but…

He tilted his head, then, seeing I was serious, sighed, "Fine. Tell me about Maria."

I told him about Jasper's history, and then added, "I think maybe it's because of the serial killings up in Seattle and Victoria being after me…" I trailed off, thinking.

"You said the things that were missing had your scent, right?" Jacob asked, following the same thought. "If the red-head really is after you, but she knows the lee- _Cullens_  are here to protect you, then maybe she figured she could use some help. Maybe she's doing the Maria thing and raising her own personal army, and she needed your smell to point them in the right direction."

"We have to tell them," I said, sitting up and grabbing my jeans off the floor to put them on. "If a bunch of newborns are coming this way, Jasper's the only one who knows how to handle them right. He said they're way stronger than normal vampires." I zipped the jeans up.

"Whoa," Jacob breathed. I could tell that news made him think.

My phone rang. I checked the screen. "Hey, Alice," I answered.

"Did you have something you need to tell us?" she asked with no preamble.

"Yeah. Can I come over?"

"Yes, we're all here waiting."

I hung up the phone and started putting on socks and shoes. "They're ready to talk. Do you want to come with me or do you want to go back to La Push to talk to the others?"

"I'll send Leah back—at least, hopefully she'll go—and go with you," Jacob replied. "We might need to talk anyway."

I grabbed a jacket and put it on. "Can you carry me out of the window?"

He scoffed. "Yeah. No problem." He went to the sill and sat down on its edge; I sat down next to him and he put his arm around my waist. "Hang on," he warned, and jumped, landing on his feet. It jarred a little, but not badly.

Sliding his hand down to grab mine, Jacob said, "Come on, let me talk to Leah." We walked into the trees, where the gray wolf watched us. "Leah, we need to go to the Cullens," he began, but before he could get another word out she lurched to her feet and snarled. "Just give me a second to explain! Jesus." He told her about the newborn army, and about Jasper. "So can you go back to La Push and talk to Sam about it while we go to the leeches' house?"

She growled and stood stock-still.

"Leah, come on," he sighed.

She sat down heavily. Even I knew what that meant.  _I'm not going anywhere, Black._

Jacob turned to me. "I need to phase to talk to her."

"Okay," I shrugged. "Go ahead. Can you just carry me over to their house that way?"

"Yeah, but—" He laughed a little. "It's gonna be really fast. You won't like it." I shrugged again. "And I'd better take off my clothes first so I can have something to wear at the Cullens'."

I chuckled and raised an eyebrow at him. "It's nothing I haven't seen before." Leah whined and rubbed one of her front paws over her face. I started; for a second I'd actually forgotten she could understand. "Sorry, Leah."

"Fine," Jacob said, but he grinned. He took off his shorts and handed them to me. "Hang onto these."

I folded them up and hung them over one arm, resisting a pervy impulse to bury my nose in them. Jacob walked a couple feet away—I was pretty sure his body was too amazing to be legal in some states—and then burst into his wolf form. I'd seen most of the pack phase at one time or another by now, and he really was the best at it; everything was under perfect control, no shaking, hunching, or leaping, just a calm focus. He and Leah stared at each other for a while—that was weird, like watching Alice and Edward have one of their bizarre conversations where they both knew what was about to happen so neither of them spoke.

Finally, Jacob stalked over to her and pinned her nose between his jaws, not hard enough to do any damage, but enough to make some sort of point. She bit his chin, but her ears were up and her tail was low so I figured everything was okay. Jacob turned toward me and crouched down; I climbed up on his back and buried my hands in his fur. It was longer than I'd seen in a while; I wondered if his hair growing out affected that.

"Okay," I said to him. "I'm set." We took off for the Cullens' house with my face pressed to his back.


	23. Plans

Riding the wolf was absolutely terrifying, as bad as or worse than riding Edward piggyback. I twisted my hands in Jacob's fur and squeezed my eyes shut so tightly I saw stars while he raced beneath me. Just as we crossed the line onto Cullen property, my phone rang. I forced myself to let go with one hand, snatched it out of my pocket and said, "We're almost there."

"Almost where, baby?"

"Mom?" I checked the screen as if it would somehow change when I looked at it. Jacob slowed beneath me. "Mom, what are you doing up so late? Isn't it past midnight there?"

"Oh, um, yeah. It is. I'm sorry, I'll call back tomorrow—"

She sounded way stressed. I interrupted, "No. What's wrong?"

"Phil broke his femur, his thighbone."

I gasped. "Oh my God! That's terrible!"

"Yeah, we've been at the hospital since five o'clock. He had to wait hours just to get seen, it's been insane here."

"How did it happen?"

"Oh—training, I don't even know what. But it's snapped, Bella, totally fractured. They're going to be checking him for cancer and osteoporosis because it's so rare for such a strong bone to break like that—" Her voice cracked. I could hear sniffling on the other end.

"Mom, don't cry. I'm so sorry. This has gotta be awful."

"They're prepping him for surgery now. He's got to have pins put in, and—um, baby, I'm so so sorry, but he's going to be immobilized for almost two months, and he's going to need me to take care of him."

I frowned in confusion. "Why are you sorry? I'm sorry for you!" Jacob stopped on the boundary of the tree cover. I slid off and walked away, pressing my finger into my free ear.

"Because we were going to come out and surprise you for graduation next week. This is such awful timing, I'm so sorry."

"Mom, don't worry about it. Seriously, it's fine. We just got to see each other. I know you love me. We can get together later this summer or something, okay?" _This summer._ If Edward and I had stayed together, I would have insisted that he change me by now. I wouldn't have been able to offer my mother the reassurance she needed, not truthfully anyway. I winced away from the memory of my own self-centeredness. At least this way she'd be safely out of the way of Victoria's advances.

"Maybe you could grab Jacob and take a road trip? We could meet halfway."

I smiled at the thought of taking either of our cars anywhere out of state, but then I realized Charlie would probably be willing to help out with a rental as a graduation present. "That might be fun." Jacob walked over to me, stark naked, and took his shorts out of my hand. I handed them over and spoke to both Jacob and Renée at the same time. "Really fun." He gave me a ' _what the hell?'_ look, but he was grinning. "Mom, I'm so sorry to talk and run, but I have some stuff I have to take care of before finals. Will you call me tomorrow and let me know how his surgery went?"

"Oh, of course! Tell your dad and Jacob I said hi. Love you baby."

"Love you too." I hit the end button.

"What's wrong?" Jacob wanted to know, stepping into the shorts.

"I guess Renée was planning to surprise me for graduation, but Phil broke his leg and she's got to help him out."

"That sucks; I'm sorry."

"She says hi, by the way."

"Course she does; she thinks I'm awesome. So, road trip, huh?" he said, flinging one arm around my shoulders as we started walking toward the house.

"That's assuming you lazy pack of animals get off your asses and kill the vampire horde," I teased.

"Hey, watch it." He squeezed me playfully until I fussed a little in protest. Once we got to the front steps, though, he was as all-business as a shirtless, shoeless guy could be, dropping his arm, straightening, and assuming the expressionless mask all of the werewolves used to hide their true thoughts around those they didn't trust.

Jasper opened the door before we could knock. "Please, Bella, come in." He gave Jacob a nod. "Jacob Black."

Jacob nodded back but didn't say anything. I could feel the man-assessment in the air and rolled my eyes, brushing past Jasper to go to the sitting room. All of the Cullens waited for us except for Edward.

"He's in his room. He's okay," Alice said before I could ask. "He can hear everything anyway."

I nodded, taking a deep breath. "Okay, so… Jasper was telling me the story of how he got turned and what the wars were like down South, and it got me thinking—actually it got me dreaming, but I think it was my mind trying to give me a clue—or Jacob's, I can't be sure… Wait, I'm totally screwing this up. Hold on." I started at the beginning and told them the whole story.

The Cullens never took long to understand anything. "So you think that Victoria is raising an army to fight us? That does make sense," Carlisle mused. "We're a powerful coven, and she's a nomad. Without newborns she's at a distinct disadvantage."

"I'm more interested in the fact that Jacob and Bella had the same dream!" Alice exclaimed. "Isn't anyone else curious about that?" She looked at me meaningfully, but I just shook my head in mystification. Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle stared in various directions, avoiding my gaze. Esmé, though, smiled warmly at Jacob. I tilted my head, puzzled, as memory dawned; it was exactly the way she had smiled at me when Edward brought me home for the first time.

"I don't know what it means," I said at last. Alice bounced excitedly in her seat and seemed about to elaborate, but Esmé placed a gentle hand on her knee and she fell silent.

"Wait and see," Esmé murmured. "There are still things we don't understand." Before I could ask what those things were, she turned to me. "Bella, dear, the truth is, we might not be able to handle that many newborns on our own, even with Jasper's expertise." I shot a look at Jasper; he nodded his agreement. "We might need to start considering relocation for you, at least for a while."

I sighed, sick at the prospect. "The last time we tried to relocate me to avoid a vampire threat, it brought the threat right to me. What if they target Charlie, or Renée, while I'm hiding out?"

"I don't think it will be necessary," Jacob spoke up. He straightened from where he'd been leaning in the farthest corner and stepped forward into the light. "We'll help. We've already been working together to guard Bella. Fighting together is the next step, assuming you'll be willing to allow us to fight on your side of the treaty line." He looked at Alice. "Now that we think we know what we're looking for, you can focus your visions toward that goal, right?"

"I think so," she said, frowning. "I hadn't been looking for Bella's clothes because I assumed it was a separate threat and that Victoria was the more immediate issue. If I find the clothes—if we're right—then I'll find the army and be able to see when they're going to attack."

"You'll need training," Jasper said to Jacob. "Talk to your leader to see if he'd be willing to meet us and practice. I know you ripped Laurent apart, but he was far older and by himself. This will be an almost entirely different experience."

Jacob nodded. "All right. For now, plans stay the same?"

Carlisle said, "That seems best, until Alice can pinpoint our timetable." The others agreed.

I yawned, and Alice said, "You need to get home to bed. Come with me." She dragged me outside and whispered, "Don't think I've missed the fact that you were sleeping with him! In your bed! Have you two, you know—"

"Alice!" I hissed, glancing at the house in mortification. "Can't they hear? What about Edward?"

She waved a hand in dismissal. "They're all talking among themselves and Edward left about a minute ago. He's out of earshot, I promise. So, tell me! I'm still your best friend, right?" She gave me the big-eyed pouty face. "I thought you would keep me in the loop."

"I just don't want to hurt your feelings. Edward's your brother."

She shrugged, a sad twist to her mouth. "He is my brother, which is why I'm not blind to his faults. I hate the way Jacob Black makes you disappear, but I can believe he'd never hurt you, now. I'm okay with you moving on, Bella—you are human, after all—as long as you tell me everything! Come on, please please please—"

"We haven't slept together," I blurted. "Not like that, I mean."

She lifted her eyebrows and teased, "But like every other way, right? I mean, you two are having the _same dreams_ —that's got to mean something! And I can smell him on you even when he's nowhere around. Actually, that's a bit odd. You're sure you haven't had sex?"

I gave her an _oh, please_ look. "Like I wouldn't know, Alice? C'mon. We've come pretty close—" She interrupted me with a squeal. I slapped my hands over my ears. "But we definitely haven't done it yet. Are you saying I smell like him at school and stuff?"

She nodded emphatically. "Even on the days when I know he's not been over because you never vanished. It's been that way—oh, since the day I visited you and you kept him from phasing."

I dropped my hands and sniffed my arm, but since I'd ridden him over—oh, man, now everything was going to sound dirty, even in my head—it didn't help me clarify anything.

"Bella?" I looked to see Alice staring into space. She spoke while still gazing at nothing. "Are any of the werewolves mated?"

I thought about it. "A couple, I guess. Sam's engaged to Emily. Jared's going out with Kim."

"That isn't what I mean, I mean a pair-bond. An eternal connection. Like Carlisle and Esmé, or Jaz and me. Rose and Em."

"Oh." I made a face of disgust. "Imprinting. Yeah, three of the pack have imprinted." Although, if imprinting was more like what the Cullens had, it wouldn't be that bad; vampire bondings seemed to be a lot less coercive.

"You make 'imprinting' sound like 'raw sewage' or something," she noted, turning that spooky gaze on me.

"I hate the whole idea," I said tersely. Not least because it could take Jacob away from me forever.

She nodded, but I could sense her distraction. "I'm going to ask our friend Eleazar about that… We were going to call the Denali clan anyway, to see if they would come alongside us… I think maybe he could help us understand…"

"How can he help?" I asked, bewildered. This was turning into one of those weirder-by-the-second Alice conversations where I really could have used Edward as a translator.

"I need to get you home. Don't worry, Charlie's asleep; I've been keeping an eye on him since you left. I'll get the car. Why don't you get Jacob?" She disappeared.

I started to walk back to the house, but before I'd taken three steps, Jacob opened the door. "Bells? You okay?"

"Yeah. Alice is going to give us a ride home."

He walked out and slung his arm around me again, no longer a pack representative, but my Jacob once more. "Cool." I sighed heavily, wrapping my arm around his waist. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I leaned into him. Hooray for Jacob-created feelings of calm, because otherwise I'd be fighting an urge to scream from sheer nerves. "I'm totally freaked out about the newborn thing. They seem really scary."

"Nah, we'll be able to handle them," he said, with all the confidence of a teenage boy who didn't believe mortality applied to him. I'd been stripped of my illusions on that front long ago, but I just shook my head. He wouldn't listen to my doubts, and really, they wouldn't do any good. "See? I told you," he added, looking into the woods. A growl was his only answer.

"Is that Leah?" I demanded. Alice pulled up in the Volvo and we got into the backseat together.

"Yeah, she didn't trust the Cullens enough to let me go without someone watching my back, so she told Sam everything from here instead of going back to La Push."

Alice ignored this. "Bella, did you have a theme you wanted for the party?"

"What party?" I said blankly.

She chuckled. "Your _graduation_ party, silly! I told you about it ages ago!"

"Oh, shit," I muttered under my breath, but of course, it was as clear as a bell to both of them. They started laughing while I mentally griped about the effect Jacob was having on my language. "Alice, isn't the impending death threat enough to at least postpone the party time? Can we have a 'Gee, I'm Glad Bella Didn't Get Torn Limb From Limb' party after the whole thing's done?"

"Absolutely not," she said, and I knew any further argument would be a waste of breath. When she got that tone, I was just along for the ride. "Now that you're not going to be one of us, this will be the only time you graduate from high school, ever. Take it from one who knows, you should be celebrating the fact that you'll never have to breach that threshold again in a few days." I rolled my eyes and nodded. "So. Theme?"

"How about, 'Sorry That I Never Let You Get In My Pants, Mike, But I Hear College Girls Have Lower Standards,'" Jacob suggested. I smacked the back of his head, carefully so I didn't hurt myself.

Alice laughed even harder this time. "That's too long for the invitations, Jacob."

I smiled; it was nice to see the most important people in my life not at each other's throats. Suddenly, inspiration struck me. "How about 'Who Knows What the Future Holds?' That's pretty appropriate for you, Alice. You can have a fortune-telling table and a 'time machine' that's really a photo booth…" Jacob was staring at me like I'd grown a second head. "What? It's not like she's limited by funds or anything."

"Yes! Bella, that's fantastic! I can't believe I didn't see it coming, but that _is_ the first decision you've ever made about a party in your own honor. I'm so proud."

Alice was silent the rest of the way home, probably planning every last detail. When we got outside my house, she wished us goodnight and zoomed off, still looking distracted.

"Hang on a second," Jacob said. He leaped into my bedroom window. A few seconds later, he opened the front door. Together, we sneaked up the stairs and back into bed. I stripped off my pants again—after all, that bridge had been crossed—and crawled back in next to him, cradled against his side. We lay in the dark for a few minutes, both of us too keyed up to sleep. "So… Who knows what the future holds, huh?"

"Yours is gonna hold more than two more years of high school if you don't get it together with your classes."

"Dad's talking about me doing home study. Usually, that's a last resort for the juvenile delinquents—"

"So that should be perfect for you—"

"Shut up—but at least then I don't have my teachers bitching at the tribal council every week. I could even graduate early if I keep it up."

I ran my hand back and forth across his chest. "That'd be pretty awesome. Alice is right about one thing, high school sucks. I don't get the adults who say it was the best time of their lives."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're smoking crack." He was silent for a moment, then, "Bells, what are you doing after graduation?"

"I didn't do a lot of planning for the future, which was dumb, but, oh well. I kind of had a bad year, you know?" He chuckled. "I think what I might do is take a year off and work. Either that, or do online classes with U-Dub and work." I slid my arm all the way across him to give him a hug. "Either way, I'm not leaving, okay?"

He heaved a big sigh. "Good." That was all, but I could sense the massive relief behind the word.

I stretched to kiss his collarbone. "You're not getting rid of me anytime soon, Wolfboy."

Moving faster than my eyes could see, he rolled over and gathered me to him, kissing me so hard that I gave a startled gasp before response kicked in. Okay, that was a little rough, but as I'd told him before, I liked it. I wrapped my arms and legs around him, pulling him into me, and surrendered, opening my mouth and sucking on his tongue. This was fun; if he wanted to take it further, I might let him. After a second, though, he moved away just enough to kiss all over my face, my neck, my ears, and my chest.

I giggled under the sudden assault. "Jake, what—"

"You're _staying_ ," he said, and the delight in his voice made my bones melt. He had to be the easiest guy to please, ever; I didn't have to do anything or be anything, other than myself. I only had to stick around. He grinned down at me.

"Yeah, I'm staying," I reassured him. I pulled his mouth down for one more kiss. When we pulled apart, I asked, "Now can you sleep?" and held my breath, wondering if he'd try to take advantage of me being half-dressed.

One of his hands slid down to my hip; I shivered. He breathed a little harder, and pressed himself against me just a little more tightly, but after a long moment he seemed to make a decision and said, "I think so." He settled behind me and pulled me into standard spoon formation. Within a minute, he passed out.

I was fast behind him, but before my eyes shut, I remembered what Alice had said. _Now that you're not going to be one of us…_ It was the first time she'd ever ruled out my turning into a vampire with such certainty.

Maybe sometimes, I didn't have to think everything into the ground. Maybe sometimes, choices just made themselves.

Jacob murmured in his sleep and pulled me closer. I put my arm over his, thinking, _I'll tell him tomorrow,_ and drifted off.


	24. Declaration

_Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz._

"Make it stop," Jacob moaned behind me.

"Don't you dare try and smash it," I muttered into my pillow. Fumbling around with my eyes still closed, I finally found my phone and shut off the vibration of the alarm. Jacob sighed in relief and pulled me closer again. I almost succumbed, but then I remembered: finals. I had two today.

"Crap, crap, crap," I grumbled, ducking out from under his arm and heading to the bathroom after I shut the bedroom door behind me.

"You okay, Bells?" Charlie asked from his room, where he was putting on his gun belt.

"Just don't want to wake up," I said with a smile.

He smiled back. "Ready for finals?"

Huh. He'd remembered. "Yeah, I think so." _Just as long as I can keep myself from worrying about you getting all the blood sucked out of you and being left a desiccated corpse._ "Should be fine."

"Well, good luck." He wandered over and gave me a sideways hug—God forbid he accidentally do a boob-brush.

I patted his back. "Thanks, Dad." He headed downstairs while I ducked into the bathroom.

It was unseasonably cold this morning, or maybe I'd just gotten used to having a werewolf around as my personal space heater. I scurried to my bedroom after showering and started digging through my drawers.

"Are you okay?" Jacob asked from the bed, cracking one eye open.

"That makes twice already," I mumbled, dropping my towel and hopping into my underwear. I was in too much of a hurry for modesty.

He bolted upright. "Holy shit, Bells, don't do that to me when you're about to leave. I'm going to have to think about Betty White and road kill all morning long to get this tent unpitched."

"Sorry." I wasn't sorry in the slightest. How cool was it that I had that effect on the hottest guy I knew? I turned around so he could get a full-on view while I yanked on my bra and hooked it in front. "Is this better?"

" _Fuck_." He fell backwards and slammed a pillow over his eyes. "You're the biggest tease, swear to God." He palmed his erection, probably just to readjust it, but I sucked in some air anyway.

"I won't tease later, as long as you let me do what I want and don't get all second-guess-y after," I promised, pulling my shirt over my head. "But I've got finals today and you'd better get back to La Push before Seth does something to give you away. Bathroom's free if you want it."

Obediently, he headed down the hallway while I put on my jeans, socks, and shoes. When he got back, I held my backpack in one hand and was about to lock my phone's screen with the other.

"So, you won't tease later?" he asked, dropping a kiss on my neck from behind me.

"Nope." I shoved my phone in my pocket and slung one strap over my shoulder.

"Can we have a girly 'where do you see this thing we have going' discussion then?"

He was trying to keep his voice light, but I could feel how difficult it was for him. I sighed and turned to face him. "Why not now?"

His eyes widened. "Um. Okay," he said tentatively. "But you already know what I want."

I nodded. "Me. You love me." He looked surprised at that. "Right? I mean, you're in love with me."

"Yeah…" he replied, total confusion taking over. He was trying to read between the lines when all I had to offer were bullet points.

I looked at him; he was making a huge effort not to be pushy or demanding. It made my insides turn to goo. _Come_ _on, Bella, be a woman. Now, before you lose your nerve._ "Okay. I'm in love with you too." I turned and started walking out the door.

"Wait, Bells. What the—hold on a damn minute!" He grabbed my backpack and yanked me back with it, then dropped it to the floor. "You can't just throw that out there and walk away—"

"No, you're right, I'm sorry," I said, feeling an impish grin spread over my face. "Also, I want to be your g—your g—" God, why was it so hard to say? Finally, I forced my lips to shape the word. " _Girlfriend_ , if you'll let me. Otherwise, I'm going to start feeling slutty after a while if we keep on messing around."

Jacob's jaw dropped. "What—but how—when—imprinting—" he stuttered.

"Your girlfriend; because you're so incredibly, amazingly awesome; I'm sorry but I don't know when I realized it; fuck that noise, we'll figure it out," I answered in order, listing them on my fingers. "Does that cover it? I really have to go to school now."

Jacob shook his head in bewilderment, but mingled delight and amusement were starting to push it away. "Do you realize that imprinting is the only thing I've ever heard you drop the f-bomb about? Bells, I can't believe you're going to do this to me."

"I'm a bitch, but I'm your bitch," I agreed airily. "Okay, gotta—" His mouth slammed down on mine, cutting off the words. I could only get out "mmph," and then he lifted me up and shoved me against the wall, pinning me between it and his body, while his hands grabbed my ass and yanked me up against him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held onto his head, kissing him back as hard as I could. Holy cow, I'd thought he was intense the night I got drunk; this was that night times a thousand, and I was going to have to walk out the front door any minute. He slid his hands up and over my breasts and rubbed my nipples with his thumbs while grinding his pelvis against mine. Oh, God. One hand slipped down between us; he circled the heel of his hand against the seam of my jeans between my legs. I could feel my eyes roll back in my head because that was so good, he was going to make me forget about school—no, he was going to make me forget my _name_ —

Abruptly, he let go and let me slide down the wall. I braced my hands behind me, gasping for breath and shaking from head to toe. I wasn't sure my knees were going to hold me up. "What the hell, Jake?"

"Now you know how I feel," he said, a diabolical gleam in his eye.

"You jerk," I mumbled, straightening out my clothes. "Oh, my God, I don't even know if I can walk."

"Good, then we're even." He picked up my backpack and held it for me. I stumbled my way over and let him slide one strap on my arm.

"Holy crap." I grabbed his arm for balance. "Okay, that was just mean."

"Yeah it was," he agreed, and I knew he was talking about me.

"I hope I don't fail. If I do it's your fault." I scowled up at him.

He laughed, unrepentant, but then he bent and kissed me, closed-mouth and gentle, rubbing my arms up and down in a move designed to sooth instead of excite. I leaned into him, letting him calm me the way only he could. After a moment, he lifted his head and asked, "Better?"

I nodded. "Much. Thanks. See you… when, tonight?"

"I've gotta talk to Sam about practicing with the Cullens. I'm not sure he'll go for it. If he does, maybe we can meet tonight and work on our strategy. You want to come with?"

"Definitely." I stretched up; he helpfully lowered his head enough for me to kiss him one last time. "Have a good day." Just to see his face light up again, I threw it out there: "I love you."

"Holy fucking shit, I can't believe you said it again," he said. He looked like he'd won the lottery and a free trip to Disneyworld all in one day; _I_ couldn't believe I had it in my power to make another person so delighted. "I love you too, Bells."

I held my laughter in until I pulled away from the curb. I kept replaying the instant when he'd started to believe his ears in my mind, and it made me so happy I laughed all the way to school in bursts that probably would have looked like a hysterical episode to any observer. The tears that fell from my eyes wouldn't have helped the impression; it was too soon after Edward for my feelings to be unmixed, plus I was still scared about imprinting and the possibility of letting Jacob down.

When I got out of the truck, I saw Leah standing across the street. She looked past me and nodded; I turned to behold Alice and Jasper, waiting for me on the walkway. I sighed. No amount of happiness could make the realities of my life recede for long.

# # #

I aced my tests; I checked with my teachers before leaving school and they both gave me the good news. This would have been cause for gleeful internal squeeing any other week, but this week it was just another mark on my mental checklist, labeled, "Things to Do Before All the Magical Creatures You Love Risk Their Lives for You."

**Number one:** Admit to your best friend, the werewolf one, that you're totally in love with him, even though he could at any moment dump your ass _,_ not unlike your last boyfriend, only this time because of an out-of-his-control mating instinct instead of a misguided attempt to protect you. Try to repress the fear that you're fooling him somehow and that soon he'll realize you're not nearly as good as he thinks you are.

**Number two:** Pass finals in case you survive the next ten days and actually feel like having a life later.

**Number three:** Help your other best friend, the vampire one, address invitations for the graduation party you never asked for in order to take your mind off the upcoming Armageddon to be fought in your defense. Also, be grateful that your vampire ex-boyfriend had the tact to remove himself from his own house while you're there.

_Be gracious, be gracious,_ I chanted to myself as Alice pulled out of the Forks High parking lot. _Be gracious, be gracious._

Teresita had really made me talk about my inability to take gifts or any other symbol of other people's regard for me. Basically, it came down to this: I didn't want people to show me they loved me because if they did I might have to face how much I feared letting them down. By whining and complaining every time somebody did something nice for me, though, all I'd succeeded in doing was making them feel like I didn't appreciate their affection, which, in turn, made them upset. So, in short, I was being a jerk and had to own up to the fact. Now I had to practice being a gracious recipient.

"So then I had to get on the phone with the people in Austria and negotiate three-day shipping," Alice said. I realized that she'd been talking nonstop since we'd left the building and I'd just spaced out until now.

"What's coming from Austria?" I asked.

"Bella! I've been talking about the crystal balls for the past ten minutes!" She smiled at me. "It's okay; I know you've got a lot on your mind. You did great at finals today, and you'll do fantastic on the ones coming up, don't worry about them. You can enjoy the party!"

"Okay," I said. There didn't seem to be any honest response I could come up with that wouldn't be ungrateful. _Be gracious. Be gracious._

We addressed invitations for two hours—Alice wasn't just inviting our class, she had decided to invite the entire school plus half of the tribal school in La Push "as a diplomatic gesture." By the time I sealed the last one my hand had started cramping and I'd finally remembered that she could have done the entire job in five minutes if she hadn't reduced her speed to human levels. Oh, well, the work was a welcome distraction.

"Hmm," she said now, staring at the coffee table in front of us.

"What next?" I asked, determinedly cheerful.

"I'm not sure… Our whole night just disappeared after nine o'clock." She frowned in concentration. "I can't get it back."

My phone beeped. I rotated it on the coffee table to read the screen. "It's Jake," I reported. "He wants to know if we can meet at the meadow—um the meadow where they found Laurent and me that one time—tonight. So Jasper can give them some pointers on how to fight the newborns." Edward's favorite meadow. Great, that wouldn't be awkward or anything.

"Well, that explains it," she said with a less-than-thrilled twist of her lips. "I suppose you'd better tell him yes."

Obediently, I texted back, _That's cool; they'll see you there_.

The phone buzzed a few seconds later. _Right on, beautiful. Hey, I'm gonna say it because it doesn't freak you out anymore: I love you._

I bit my lip and smiled with a guilty sideways glance at Alice. _Love you too. Come see me soon._

"Isabella Marie Swan," Alice said slowly, watching my face. "What was that?" My phone appeared in her hand.

"Alice, give that back!" I dove for it and fell off the couch. I got back up and reached out. She easily held me off with one finger, laughing, while she scrolled through the conversations I'd had with Jacob.

"Oh my word, Bella, you have officially entered the animal shelter," she sighed, but I could tell she was just joking. She gave back the phone with a grin. "It's sad to see one of my best friends settle so low."

"It might not be permanent," I muttered, stacking the invitations for something to do with my hands. "If he imprints, I won't be worth much to him."

Her eyebrows creased. " _If_ he imprints? How would he imprint on anyone else besides you?"

"If that was going to happen, it would have happened a long time ago, the first time he saw me after he phased," I explained. I still couldn't meet her eyes; this was painful to discuss. "That's how it happened with all the others."

Alice looked like she still couldn't understand. "But, Bella—all that Jacob Black sees is _you._ I've watched him; he never moves his eyes away from you. How could he look to anyone else? I don't think it's possible."

"Yeah, well… Ask Sam Uley about that." I forced a smile. "Come on, let's talk about something less depressing. Do you want to start decorating now?"

"Yes, right, that'll snap you right out of it," she said with a roll of her eyes. "No, come eat this fig and goat cheese dessert pizza with a port reduction that I tried last night. I'm thinking that on our next move I might go to culinary school." She grabbed my hand and tugged me into the kitchen.

"Culinary school sounds like fun," I said. I took a cold bite of the pizza she'd pulled from the fridge and rolled my eyes in ecstasy. "Oh my _God_ , Alice. I just had a foodgasm."

"Yes!" She clapped her hands and hopped a little in delight. "Give it back, I'll bet it's better heated up." Talk of recipes and restaurants got us through until it was time to make dinner, when she took me home so I could cook for Charlie.

After eating and cleaning up, I headed up to my room to study. After I pushed the window open, I forced myself to finish _Wuthering Heights_ by skim reading the whole thing, then looking up its summary on Wikipedia to make sure I hadn't missed any essential points. It was sort of cheating, but I didn't care; by this point, I wanted to throw the stupid book into the next La Push bonfire. I worked on my report for an hour until I got a text message from Jacob.

_Coming up. Close your bedroom door._

I obediently got up and swung it shut. By the time I turned around he stood next to the window, holding a backpack stuffed to the gills with… something.

"Hey." I walked over to take the bag. "What's this?"

"Clothes." He shrugged, but I could see he watched me closely. "You said maybe I should start keeping some over here?"

Oh, the eyeballing was him looking for a freak-out on my part. "Yeah, sure," I answered, opening an empty drawer. I unzipped the bag and began pulling out random articles of clothing, which had apparently been stored in used-wrapping-paper fashion for God knew how long. "Holy crow, Jake, you ever hear of folding?" I laughed as I started to put shirts and shorts in order, but then looked up. The look on his face made me stop what I was doing and get up. "What's wrong?"

"This is too easy," he whispered. His eyes had practically turned black with worry.

"What is? Are you worried that Victoria has something else up her sleeve?" I stepped closer, but he didn't move to touch me. That was weird. "Okay, now you're making me nervous. What's too easy?"

"This. You, with me." He did a sort of flailing motion encompassing himself, the clothes, the open drawer, my bedroom, and me. "It's just…"

I laughed and put my arms around his waist. After a moment, he lifted his own to embrace me. "Jake. This is me. This is what I do. I take forever to make up my mind. I don't talk about it, I _think_ about it, and think, and think. But once I _do_ make up my mind, that's it. I'm done. It's final. And, easy? You've had to wait months for me to pull myself back into the shape of a human being and realize what I've got right in front of me. That's not easy; it's hard as hell! How can you be worried _now_?" I squeezed him a little, teasingly. "You've got me, Wolfboy. For as long as you want me around, okay?"

Hesitantly, he lifted his hands to my face. "I think I'm scared to believe it," he said, finally, sounding like every word cost him.

I nodded and leaned against his bare chest, loving the sound of his heartbeat. "I know. That's my fault. I guess I'll just have to spend the next however many years convincing you that you've won me over."

His chuckle rumbled under my ear. "That doesn't sound so bad."

"Right. I'll have to work really hard at it and you'll probably be sick of me when it's all over." I kissed the muscles closest to my face. "All right, now?"

Jacob nodded, releasing me. "Let me help you with those clothes and then we'll take off for the meadow. We're supposed to head out around nine."

"I know." I picked up a shirt and grinned at him. "Alice saw you coming."

"I bet she didn't see _this_ coming," he replied, and grabbed me again to kiss me. I whimpered with happiness and reached to pull him down while his hands slid across my back to lift me closer. Reality could just hold on for a few minutes.


	25. Training

Jacob lifted me out of the window at nine o'clock exactly. Emmett and Rosalie waited a block away in their HMMWV—we'd be driving through some rough terrain tonight. I tried to ignore my guilt pangs. If I hadn't come along, everyone would have had an easier time getting there on their own feet, but leaving me behind meant leaving me unprotected or someone missing training, so massive gas-guzzling vehicle it was. I couldn't believe Edward had the gall to talk about rapidly depleting fossil fuels when he'd had this in the garage.

"Okay, beautiful," Jacob said after he'd helped me into the back seat. "I'm going to catch up with the rest of the pack and we'll see you there." He drew down the seatbelt and buckled it in for me.

I shook my head at him. "Overprotective."

"You need all protection I can give you," he disagreed. He caressed my hair. "Bye."

"Bye," I said softly. He stepped back and closed the car door; I twisted in my seat to watch him until we turned the corner.

"Ah, young love," Emmett sighed in a falsetto.

I shoved his shoulder, which was a lot like shoving a wall. "Shut up, Emmett."

" _How much is that doggy in the window?"_ Rosalie caroled in a clear contralto.

Emmett joined in, _"The one with the waggly tail/How much is that doggy in the window—"_

I clapped my hands over my ears, laughing. "You guys are so _mean_."

"Oh, no, I know, babe!" Emmett picked up his iPod and scrolled through his playlist.

In seconds, Florence and The Machine strummed through the speakers. " _Happiness hit her like a train on a track,"_ Florence began, and I gave Emmett a _what the hell?_ look.

"Wait for it," he said, and then grinned when the chorus started up.

_The dog days are over  
The dog days are gone  
_

I laughed again. "I think my dog days are just beginning!" I shouted over the clapping on the track. "And I never pegged you for a Julia Roberts fan, Emmett."

He shrugged. "I've been into this chick since we visited London the last time."

" _Leave all your love and your longing behind/You can't carry it with you if you want to survive,"_ Florence advised, and I twitched again with guilt and shame. If only I could figure out a way to protect all those I loved… If only I weren't the weak human in the equation, every time… If only I could find the internal strength to walk away and let Victoria have what she wanted so that I could spare everybody else…

"Hey, Bella. Don't worry about it," Emmett said, twisted around in his seat to look at me. For once, there was no hint of humor on his face. I realized that Rosalie and he must have guessed how I felt. I tried to smile for him, but it felt forced.

Rosalie drove as far through the trees as she could, and then parked when we hit solid forest. "C'mon, Baby Bell," Emmett said, and moving too quickly for me to follow, he opened my door and lifted me out with one arm. I twisted his shirt into my fists and buried my face in his chest, knowing what was coming next. "Don't look," he advised unnecessarily, adding, "Alice'll kill me if you puke on this shirt; it's Marni."

"You realize that it's bizarre for you of all people to know that," I muttered, squeezing my eyes shut.

He cradled me in his arms; I shivered despite my flannel over shirt. "I'll make this fast."

"That's what I'm afraid of," I moaned. I could feel the wind pick up in my hair.

"Go around instead of over," Rosalie reminded him.

"I am, babe," he replied.

This wasn't nearly as bad as riding on Edward's back, or Jacob's. The only thing that told me we were moving was the air blowing past us. I resolutely kept my face pressed to Emmett's shirt until he said, "We're here; you can stop flipping out."

"I didn't flip out," I said indignantly, yanking my head back, and then squealed in terror when I saw that we were still going faster than I could drive my truck. I shoved my face back against his chest. "Emmett, you're such a jerk!"

He laughed so hard I was surprised he didn't drop me. At last, the wind around us died down and Rosalie said, "I promise, Bella, we're really here."

Cautiously, I lifted my head and looked around. Moonlight washed the meadow with a silvery tinge. In front of us stood Carlisle, Esmé, Jasper, Alice, and Edward.

_Edward._

I slid down from Emmett's grasp and walked to him. "You came? Are you sure you should be here?"

"I needed to be here," he said simply. It seemed that every time I walked away from him I forgot the effect his voice had on me; goose bumps popped out on my skin when he spoke.

"Thank you," I said humbly. I so didn't deserve any sort of sacrifice on his part; more guilt and shame for me. Yay.

Jasper flinched the slightest bit; Edward looked at him, then back at me. "Don't, Bella," he said softly. "Don't feel guilty." His eyes—restored to their usual color—looked past me. "They're here."

The glowing eyes appeared first, and then the werewolves stalked out of the woods. I had forgotten how absolutely intimidating they were; when Jacob stood next to me my head only came up to his neck. Sam was the biggest, but the rest weren't much smaller, even Leah.

Edward spoke. "Sam wants us to know that they're not phasing to human form because of the clothing issue, and also because they'll be fighting in wolf form, so this makes more sense. He's asked me to translate their thoughts for the rest of you."

Jasper began immediately, setting up a demonstration with Emmett, whose fighting style he said was closest to the newborns'.

"Emmett? Like a bloodthirsty savage? Shocking," I muttered as I retreated to the edge of the meadow.

"I heard that," he growled, just before he launched himself at Jasper and was completely put to shame. "Again, Jaz!"

I folded my flannel shirt and stuck it under my head, lying down on the ground and staring at the moon. Nothing like observing a bunch of people flinging themselves at each other over and over again to lull a person into inattention. Jasper's only real challenge was Alice, who predicted every attack before he made it. I couldn't begin to imagine the level of calculation going on in her mind, to see each move in the future and counteract it in real time, but it wasn't enough to keep me watching. My thoughts began to drift.

Jacob caught on the quickest of any of the wolves; Jasper dismissed him after about twenty minutes because he'd gotten so adept. Jacob padded over to me and snuffled my hair.

"You're doing good," I said drowsily. "Jacob Black werewolfs better than the rest."

He ducked his head; I guessed that was the wolf form of a shrug. With a sigh, he collapsed on the ground and curled around me. I looked at the moon and spoke without thinking. "That's like me."

He tilted his head on the ground, pricked his ears up, and lifted his… were those eyebrows on wolves? Whatever, I recognized the look from the countless times he'd aimed it at me in human form. He wanted to know what I meant.

I shouldn't have said anything, but I knew he wouldn't leave it alone, wolf or not. Actually, it was a little easier to speak to him in this form; it felt like talking to the world's smartest pet. I continued in an undertone, hoping everyone else was distracted enough not to pay attention. "The moon, I mean. If… one of the things I kind of wanted, back when I thought I would become, um, become a Cullen? I thought they were so graceful. Well, I mean, look at them. They _are_." He wuffled through his nose. "I thought—I thought that I would be beautiful, and graceful, and powerful, and have all that amazing control over my body. I thought I would be someone special."

His tongue touched my hand. I smiled at him. "Now, though… You're my own personal sun, Jacob. You were light when my whole world was darkness. When I'm with you, I guess I'm special just because I'd have to be _something_ to land a guy as amazing as you. But I'm not strong, or super smart, or graceful, or immortal… Not like any of you. I'm just Bella the wolf girl. I reflect the light of the people around me. I'm the moon."

It took me a moment to understand the noise I heard emanating from his chest: growling. He was growling at me.

"Jake. It's okay," I tried to explain, but he whipped his head around and caught my hand in between his jaws. He had so much mastery over his wolf form now that the razor-sharp teeth didn't break the skin; they prickled, though, and brought involuntary tears to my eyes. "Jake—"

"Careful, Jacob," Edward cautioned from where he suddenly stood next to us. Jacob's growl rose in pitch.

"Edward, it's fine, don't—" I started, but he held up a hand and met Jacob's eyes. "Would you mind repeating that last? You've developed quite a shield lately." After a second, he sighed. "I see." Jacob dropped my hand, but he turned his head away from me and stared into the forest. Great. Now I'd pissed him off.

"Bella," Edward murmured, sitting a couple of feet away from me. "Why must you always insist on denigrating yourself?"

"I wasn't denigrating myself!" I protested. "I just was talking and… God, I'm so tired, I didn't mean any of it." More tears pooled in my eyes; I blinked furiously to hold them back.

"I think you did," Edward contradicted me. "I think you meant every word, and I share Jacob's frustration." Jacob growled again; Edward directed his crooked smile at the wolf behind me. That smile, or the memory of it, would strike me to the heart until the day I died. I reached behind me and held onto some fur to remind myself of the choice I'd made.

"Bella, you are special for many reasons. Look at all those people out there in that meadow, ready to go to fight for you. Do you really think it's out of obligation or some misguided sense of responsibility?"

Well, yes. Now I supposed he was going to tell me I was wrong?

Not waiting for my answer—typical—he continued, "They're ready to fight because they love you. At least, my family do. The wolf pack are very fond of you as well."

"Yeah, I'm sure Leah just can't wait to give me a big hug after all this is over," I snapped, a little too loudly. Across the meadow, Alice and Emmett smirked.

Edward smiled again. "Some more than others. Jacob is their first priority, it's true, but he's not the only reason they care. Quil and Paul are particularly protective of you."

Paul? That was a surprise.

"You're right in one thing. You are incredibly human. You've grown more… humane, for lack of a better term, since I left. You don't just observe others now, you try to determine how you can help them." He leaned to place one hand over mine; Jacob shifted a little as if he felt it, but he didn't protest. "You are worth this because you are Isabella Marie Swan, not because of your relationships with any of us. This…" He shut his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "This is my legacy to you, isn't it? This is what I did to you, when I told you I was tired of pretending."

I nodded, trying not to cry in earnest now. I couldn't speak.

"I lied, Bella. You are— _were_ everything." He studied my face, and his own distorted in distress. "I wish you could believe me."

I wasn't convinced, but it would be pointless and rude to argue, so I just shrugged with one shoulder.

Edward turned his attention back to the meadow. "Can you answer a question for me?"

I cleared my throat and found my voice. "I'll try. What is it?"

"I know that Emily is Sam's fiancée. But who are Claire, and Kim?"

"Oh." I felt that special grimace that imprinting always put on my face appear. "They're Quil and Jared's imprints. Like Emily is for Sam."

"Imprints?"

"Yeah, some sort of werewolf mate-bonding thing. It's irrevocable and way too strong for any other affection to fight against it and I hate it." I crossed my arms petulantly and threw myself back against Jacob, who twitched his ears back.

"That's… odd. Jaz, do you…" I saw Jasper's lips move, but he was too far away for me to hear the reply. "Yes," Edward replied, "that's it exactly. They're identical, aren't they? Except for the obsessive thought patterns, that is. They literally never stop thinking about them." Jasper said something else while easily evading another dive from Emmett. "That's what I thought, but Sam is one of the ones who imprinted, so that seems unlikely, correct?" Jasper nodded and flipped Emmett on his back.

"You want to translate that for the non-telepathic, non-empathic human?" I asked wryly.

"We're just wondering about the bonding. It seems to be on three levels: physical, emotional, and mental. The mental bond is almost certainly telepathic, from what I can tell."

"Well, that explains a lot," I said, shrugging. Like I cared. Stupid imprinting.

"Yes," Edward said, turning a speculative look at me.

All he got from me was a lot of blank. "What?"

After a moment, he shook his head. "I don't know yet."

I wanted to press it, but Jasper called a halt to the proceedings and gave some last minute pointers. Just as he was concluding, Alice appeared out of nowhere and launched herself at Leah, who gave a startled yelp and tried to dive at her. Alice easily got her arms around Leah's trunk.

"There," Jasper said, pointing. "That's the other thing we have to worry about. Stragglers. Newborns have little ability to stay in a group because they're so easily distracted; there are always a few leftovers who come out of the woodwork just when you think it's safe to drop your guard. Leah, it's important to retreat enough to regroup instead of tackling one head-on." He looked around at everybody. "Shall we meet two nights from now to work on this again?"

Edward spoke for the wolves. "They're amenable to the idea."

"All right. We'll meet here at nine o'clock. Thank you for coming." Jasper gave a nod of dismissal, and everyone fell out of the group. The wolves slinked back into the forest; Jacob pressed his head to my hand before following the others.

"You ready, Bella?" Emmett asked. I nodded tiredly and put my arms up without rising from the ground, like a little kid. Chuckling, he scooped me up and took off running. I was almost too sleepy for terror. Almost.

When we got back inside their vehicle, I remembered something Alice had said. "Hey, did you guys ever get in touch with the Denali clan? Are they going to help?"

Emmett growled; Rosalie ran a soothing hand up and down his arm before replying. "They won't be coming, Bella. Irina considered Laurent to be her mate, and she blames you and the werewolves for his death. She's furious that we're fighting alongside them, and that we're fighting for you. The rest of the family feel they can't go against the wishes of one of their own."

"But… he was going to eat me!" I protested.

"We're really not reasonable when it comes to our mates, Bella," Rosalie said softly. Under her hand, Emmett's turned to grasp her fingers. "Eleazar will be coming, however, although he won't fight. Alice wants to run something by him."

I couldn't really see the point of him traveling all the way down from Alaska just to give some advice; couldn't she just run it by him on the phone? I didn't ask, though.

When we got back to my house, Rosalie leapt with me into my room, where Jacob waited, leaning against the wall. Rosalie took one look at his thundercloud of a face and started backing out. "Well… I'll just leave you two to it, then," she said, and jumped from the sill.

I fidgeted with my hands and stared at my shoes.

"Yeah, so, what the fuck was all that shit you were spewing back there?" he demanded in an undertone without preamble. "Something about how you aren't _special?_ How you _reflect_ me? Is that what I heard?"

I nodded and whispered, "It's true." I still couldn't meet his eyes.

"Fucking _bull_ shit it's true!" I'd never heard such a quiet voice with so much anger in it. He strode across the room and grabbed my shoulders. "Look at me." Reluctantly, I lifted my gaze to meet his. "Do you think I just spent however many months of my life trying to win you over because I thought you'd make a hella good mirror for my awesome? Do you think that you're that Goddamn worthless, that because you don't have a motherfucking mutant gene that turns you into a forest animal and gives you a stupidly long life, that somehow you're less than me?" His fingers tightened; he gave me the tiniest shake.

"No, it's not that!" He had a mouth on him on the best day, but this was the most I'd ever heard him curse at once. Tears stung my eyes again. I just wanted to go to sleep; why did he always, always have to face stuff head-on even when I needed to avoid it?

"Then tell me what it is before I seriously lose my shit, Bella." He let go of me and paced around the room. I could tell he wanted to hit something by the way his hands were balled up, but as usual all that control he'd developed as a werewolf held firm.

"I wasn't good enough," I whispered.

Jacob stopped and looked at me, understanding instantly. "He told you he was lying about that. I believe him. He definitely doesn't act like a guy who thinks you aren't enough."

My knees trembled; my throat hurt from trying to hold back sobbing. "I wasn't interesting enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't smart enough—" Oh, crap, and there went my voice. I buried my face in my hands.

"That is such bullshit and you know it," he sighed, but the anger was gone from his tone. I heard his footsteps as he crossed to me again. "Hey." His hands closed around my wrists, gently tugging down. "Come on, honey, let me see you."

After a second, I allowed him to pull my hands down, but I kept my eyes resolutely focused on the floor in front of me. I could barely see past the swimming tears.

"Bella. Bells. Don't be that way." He enfolded me in his arms, rocking back and forth. "I seriously can't believe you still think that. It's unbe-fucking-lievable. Why is it that you always believe the bad stuff and not the good?" He kissed the top of my head.

"I don't know!" I wailed, barely remembering to keep the volume down. "That's what I mean—I'm so dumb! I know I should believe you. I know I should believe Edward when he says he lied. I know I should believe my _therapist_ for God's sake! And I can't!"

"Okay, okay," he murmured, pulling me closer. "Don't cry, honey."

I tried to explain between sobs. "I'm so damn tired—and I have finals—and my mom's not going to be there for graduation—and I know she can't help it but I'm still sad—and all my friends are going to go fight an evil vampire army for me soon—and I just have to sit on my ass and wait for them to rescue me—I can't do _anything_ to help except stay out of the way!" This was going to escalate to full-on Ugly Cry in a second, and I couldn't think how to stop myself.

"Bells, it's okay, I swear. We're going to be okay. These guys won't know what hit them. The red-head still thinks we're fighting the Cullens; there's no way she'll expect us to be fighting alongside instead." Jacob stroked my hair, smoothing it down to the small of my back. "We're going to kick their undead asses, no question. Even if you were one of us—or one of the Cullens—it wouldn't make a difference because the odds are so against them."

I was beyond comprehending sense when I heard it. I pressed my face to his chest and kept sobbing, trying to talk but mostly just getting out fragments like, "useless—" and "burden—" and "can't even—"

He rubbed the back of my neck under my hair. "Baby, you're so tired. Why don't you go get ready and we'll go to bed?"

Turning away, I trudged to the bathroom, avoiding my reflection while I did what I had to do to get ready. There was no way I was going to scare myself with the evidence of a nervous breakdown in progress all over my face. When I got back, Jacob ducked down the hall and returned a few minutes later to find me still sitting on the edge of the bed, unable to get up the strength to take off my clothes.

"I'll help you with that," he said, kneeling at my feet and unlacing my shoes. "Here you go… Now the other one…"

"You don't have to do that," I said, defeated.

Jacob gave me a smile. "I know that, Bells. I want to." He drew off my socks and then asked, "Do you want help with your jeans?" For once, he didn't mean anything sexual by it.

I shook my head. "I'll do it." I unbuttoned them and stepped out, leaving them in a puddle on the floor. He picked them up and threw them into the hamper.

"There's no way you'll be able to sleep if you leave those on the floor," he explained when I looked at him questioningly.

He knew me so well. Together, we crawled into bed, me under the sheet, him on top. I reached to turn off the light.

"Come here." He gathered me in his arms and kissed my eyelids, the tip of my nose, and finally my mouth. "You know how you said you were going to spend the next however many years proving to me that I won you over?"

"Yeah," I whispered.

"I'm going to spend the next however many years showing you that you're way more amazing than I could ever be."

I smiled, but tears leaked out between my closed eyelids. I didn't doubt he meant every word, but there was always the chance…

"I won't imprint on anyone else. How could I? All I see is you," he murmured.

That was what Alice had said. He really, _really_ knew me. He drew me as tightly against him as I could handle. "Go to sleep, honey."

Obediently, I drifted off.


	26. Graduation

**  
**The night after the semester ended, I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking about how weird it was not to be in high school anymore. It was sort of the same feeling I'd had when I'd turned eighteen—well, for the few hours before Edward had abandoned me. I'd turn on the radio and hear ads for Port Angeles clubs that stipulated "eighteen and over" and feel shocked that all of a sudden that applied to me. Now I was a high school graduate for all intents and purposes, and that felt even more shocking. It was a huge relief, but really strange, too. It was also a lot more fun to think about than Jacob's absence.

At one o'clock, I got ready for bed and turned out the light. I kept on staring, waiting to fall asleep. I didn't.

Finally, with a huff of exasperation, I turned over and grabbed my phone to text Jacob again. _I know you're not going to get this till later, but I don't think I can sleep without you either._

_This sucks._

_Actually, you suck, for not coming. Vampire, shmampire._

_Like you're responsible for dozens of people's safety, or something._

It was all very playful and carefully non-needy, like I didn't really _require_ him in order to be happy or sleep or breathe or anything else essential. I tossed and turned until four. I would doze off, then jerk awake fully alert, over and over again. _He's not here,_ my mind would remind me, every time. _Still not here, and maybe while he's gone he'll figure you out and this time you'll be left alone, really alone, and try therapizing that away, idiot. So stupid, you'd think you'd learn, you'd think you'd know by now not to choose to need—_

Finally, at 4:05, my phone buzzed. I snatched it up and said, "Jake?"

"It better not be anybody else," he teased in a foggy sort of voice.

"Are you okay?" I demanded.

"Yeah, no sign of any bloodsuckers tonight," he reassured me. "So, you're still awake?"

I whimpered, " _Yes._ I think I'm addicted to you, Wolfboy." He laughed softly. "It's not funny! I'm exhausted!"

"No, it's not that," Jacob hurried to explain. "It's just… I'm having a hard time believing this is my life now, you know? I've got Bella Swan on the phone at four a.m. and she's telling me I'm her addiction."

"It's not my fault I don't have a werewolf sense of smell so that I can get what I need out of my _sheets_ ," I complained, trying to drown out the internal moan of fear in response to his words: _not enough, not enough, he'll find out soon you're not it_.

"Bells, if you think I'm getting what I need from my sheets then we need to have a serious discussion about the facts of life. There's a dirty shirt of mine in your laundry hamper in your room. I accidentally packed it with the clean stuff I brought over."

I ran over to the hamper so fast I fell down on my way across the room. Digging through the laundry, I finally found one crumpled-up blue t-shirt with Underdog on it. Grabbing it, I held it to my nose and snorted like a coke addict. "Oh my God that's so much better," I gasped into the phone. I could hear him cracking up but I didn't care. I put the phone down, shrugged out of my shirt and into his, and picked up the phone again. "Okay; I've got it on." The scent drowned out my panic and insufficiency, filled my nose straight up to my brain, put speed bumps and roadblocks into the well-worn circular thinking tracks.

"Nice. Do you think you can sleep now?"

I got back into bed. His sleeves came down past my elbows, so all I had to do was lift up an arm to have cloth near my nose. "I think so, yeah. Can you?"

"Hell, yes." I heard a yawn, then, "I'll come over tomorrow. Do you have work?"

"Yeah, from noon till four."

"Okay, then I'll come over after. And then we've got more training with the Cullens tomorrow night, so we can hang out then, too, okay?"

My eyes were already closed. "Mm-hmm. Don't wanna sleep, wanna talk."

"Me too, but—" Another gigantic yawn. "I've gotta rest up for the vampire battle thing we've got coming up, right?" I tried to answer but my mouth wouldn't move. "Right, Bells?" I still couldn't answer. He chuckled and then murmured, "Good night, beautiful," as I tumbled into sleep.

 

I almost didn't make it until four; I was swaying on my feet and stupid with lack of sleep. Mike gave up on talking to me after my third time asking, "I'm sorry, what did you say?" That was actually kind of a relief because talking about the Mariners was really difficult while the newborn army thing was eating my brain.

At four o'clock on the dot, my phone buzzed: Jake. _Do you think I should bring a huge box of condoms with a bow on top? Just to prove to Charlie we're being safe?_

I laughed groggily and replied, _No need to rub it in his face. Except that there's no it to rub._ After I hit send, I realized what I'd done and followed up with, _Don't say it, I already know._

While I was still sending the message, his reply came back, _Bells, there's a lot of it to rub. Don't make me question my manhood._

I rolled my eyes. Such a _guy._ I was about to say something deprecating about his inability to question his manhood when I saw he was calling. "What?" I said, still sounding froggy.

"Did you sleep okay after we talked?" he wanted to know.

"Like the dead," I replied.

"As long as it's not the undead. I'm outside Newton's right now."

I grabbed my timecard out of its slot, hurriedly scribbled the time in the right rectangle—no fancy time-punches or, haha, computer schedules here—and half-ran out of the front door without even saying goodbye. That was rude. I was going to have to fix it later with Mike, but for right now I had to see Jacob.

He was leaning against the motorcycle in the light drizzle, and I knew Charlie would have something to say about riding bikes in the rain on slick roads if and when he saw, but to me there was no risk greater than that Jacob might disappear so I flung myself against him again and clung. It was silly, because it had been just one night. I knew that, just like I knew it was stupid for me to wrap my arms around his neck and let him pull me up so that I could wrap my legs around his waist, too, like a ridiculous redneck commercial for cowboy boots or domestic lite beer or something equally appalling. It didn't matter, my body twisted to adhere itself to him at as many spots as possible. He murmured, "Whoa," but he was up for the task, arms like tree trunks tightening around me and lifting to aid our points of contact.

I couldn't even kiss him, couldn't make myself pull away enough to press our mouths together. I shoved my nose into the crook of his neck and inhaled—yep, total crackhead—and whispered, "I hated that. The whole not-sleeping-together thing. Let's never do it again, okay?"

"Sure, sure," he comforted, the familiar, normal refrain, and with that a chill brushed over and through my skin. What if I'd missed him and he hadn't missed me the same way? _He's already realized it—_

Fear gave me the impetus I needed to crane my head back and look at his face, which admittedly I hadn't really glanced at during my haphazard dash to plaster myself to him. I searched the familiar features for a clue— _am I the only one?_ —and saw only Jacob, beautiful brown eyes and full lips and strong adult face so at odds with the teenager certainty that things would always end up going his way. I looked closer, though, and then I saw the deep circles under his eyes, like bruises, and felt the way his hands gripped me. "Oh. Okay," I said, answering myself. "You missed me too."

"Well, yeah. Pervert werewolf in the woods, remember?" he said, smiling, but it didn't reach those eyes. He was scared too.

I couldn't think how to alleviate the fear without giving far too much of myself away; wasn't it enough to admit I loved him when there was no certainty he'd always feel the same way? Instead, I slid down his front and said, "Take me home? Please?" I teasingly tugged the hem of his shirt. "I'll let you use the front door and everything 'cause my dad says it's okay."

He grinned and kissed the tip of my nose, and just like that it _was_ okay. We'd skip over those dark and deep places and stay in the tide pools to which we'd grown accustomed.

When we got back to the house, Charlie was gone, but he'd left a note on the kitchen counter: _Gone fishing._

"Jake…" I said when I read it. "Victoria—"

"We've got him," he interrupted, rubbing my back comfortingly with one big hand. "He's on the rez with my dad."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay. Will you think I'm an old woman if I say I wanna go to bed now?"

"Well, an _older_ woman, anyway, cougar," he teased. I rolled my eyes. "Nah, I'm out of it too. Let's go sleep."

We collapsed into bed, side by side, not even bothering with the usual snuggling, and I eventually fell into the dream, too. The wolf stared at me in the woods, and it was so dark, so cold; it was being in Edward's arms just before dawn. I wanted to say something to the wolf; it had taken something from me and I needed it back, but my voice had been left behind somewhere so instead I stretched out my hand, trembling, silently beseeching the wolf's mercy. Just as Jacob had in the meadow, it reached for my hand and pinned it between its teeth, but its teeth were dull against my skin, as dull as a human's. I wanted to pull my hand away, but my feet wanted to go closer, and they won the battle. I inched forward. The wolf whined at me; I realized that it, too, had come here as a supplicant.

I opened my mouth and found that I could speak. "What do you want?" I whispered.

The wolf's eyes looked past me and I turned, hand still trapped, to see Leah. No, not Leah, but what looked like a Quileute girl about my age, long hair past her waist, dark eyes snapping with intelligent curiosity directed towards us both. She stepped forward, and the wolf whined again, perking its ears toward her. She walked over and buried her hand in its ruff, a possessive move so confident that it denied any sort of claim I might have without bothering with confrontation.

"I see," I said. "Give it back then."

The wolf shrank in on itself, vanishing like Lewis Carroll's Alice after she drank the potion, leaving only its fur behind, hanging like a misplaced living room rug in my hand. I glanced up to see Jacob, nude, holding hands with the girl.

"That's all you needed anyway," he said to me.

I nodded in agreement and pulled the wolf skin over my equally naked body. "It's better this way," I told him, when I had the head perched atop my own skull like the hood of a bizarre cloak. The fur closed in of its own accord around me, becoming one with my previously exposed skin, starting with my feet, knitting itself to the cells in the most painful fashion imaginable. I screamed, in agony from the transformation, but Jacob and the girl only watched, expressionless. Finally, the head sank into my own, dull teeth sawing through my hair and skin and bone, and I knew this was it, I would finally see the world through the eyes of the wolf, and my last human act would be this never-ending scream that wouldn't stop tearing from my throat—

"No no no no," I heard Jacob murmuring in my ear, reassuringly hot breath making the tender skin burn. "No Bells, no, don't."

I gasped, screamed and opened my eyes. He was right there, same as always, where I needed him to be, but I was still trapped in the horror of the dream and I couldn't separate Real Jacob from Uncaring Dream Jacob, so I screamed again when I saw him. His eyes were cloudy with the leftovers of slumber, but they showed terror well enough, my own amplified with his and reflected back to me.

I snapped my mouth shut, but inside I still screamed.

After a moment, Jacob cautiously moved one hand and laid it over my heart. "You're awake now. It was a bad dream," he said. Slow. Cautious. Talk the crazy lady with the knife down from the ledge.

My _life_ was a bad dream. I didn't want to move or speak. I just stared at him. All my feelings of betrayal that should have been directed at Dream Jacob had transferred to Real Jacob. Something in me had broken, had folded in on itself in an attempt at self-protection and ended up walling off a piece of my heart from him.

Not enough of my heart to keep from feeling his, though. The sadness was back, oozing from his pores like flop sweat. We didn't trust each other right now, each of us unsure of the other's ability to protect what gifts we'd given. So we stared, silent, until at last he said, "It's time to go," and I realized it was nine o'clock and Rosalie and Emmett would probably have something dirty to say about all the screaming going on in here.

 

The next three days consisted of work and late-night practice. Jacob and I grabbed what sleep we could, when and where we could, but it was as if we used our proximity as a convenience, an aid to rest rather than attraction. It was wrong and weird, and the worst part was that it didn't stop the emotional connection, so I could feel his worry and distractedness and sadness trickling like tributaries into the river of my own confusion. Jasper took to standing as far away from both of us as he could whenever the pack drilled with the Cullens, and Edward stared at both of us broodingly.

We were both too tired, and both afraid to believe the good.

Alice's party went as planned Saturday night, right after the graduation ceremony, which featured yellow robes and should have been way more tragic given the attire. The Cullens' house was jam packed, La Push and Forks kids swimming in streams accompanied by loud music and fortunes. I showed up a little early in case Alice needed help with any finishing touches, but the entire family had joined in the effort to make my achievement feel special so all I needed to do was say "hi" to the guests when they showed up. Everybody exclaimed in awe over the decorations, the lights and swaths of silk fabric swooping from one corner of the room to the next, the purple and emerald screens and crystal balls; Alice put aside her charade just this once and bothered giving accurate predictions in small increments when she took her place behind the fortune-telling table.

I saw Jake, Quil, and Embry work their way through the crowd, cups in hand, looking out of place among the not-quite-men around them. I didn't bother to acknowledge them; I knew they'd find their way to my side sooner or later.

Alice, holding Jessica's palm, intoned, "And then a handsome blond stranger will come across the water to carry you away with… him…" She trailed off, jaw hanging, staring at nothing. I knew that look.

"Whoa, Jess," I teased to cover Alice's check-out. "A handsome blond stranger? Where could he be from? England? Switzerland?" I leaned closer. " _Canada?"_

She giggled and play-smacked my hand. "Hey, don't disrespect Canada; I'll take the universal health care, thank you so much."

Jessica got up and walked away, but Alice still stared into the middle distance, an increasingly distraught expression creeping across her delicate features. Jacob came up beside me and slipped his arm around my shoulders. "What's up?"

I leaned into him. Oh, this was nice. In front of everyone else like this, the tension dissipated and our bodies aligned themselves the way they should, the way it always had been: Jake and Bells, easy as breathing. "Alice is seeing something, but whatever it is, she's not telling yet."

"They're coming," she said, hollow-voiced. "They're passing around your clothes and memorizing the smell."

Jacob's arm tensed. "How many?"

She shook her head. "I can't count. Their numbers fluctuate—they fight among themselves, wander off… It's impossible to predict. Two dozen, maybe."

I turned and put my face into Jacob's chest, trying not to shake. He automatically wrapped his other arm around me and rubbed my back. "When?"

"Soon," Alice replied. "Two days, after the storm, if they move slowly."

"What can we do?" Jacob's voice was steady and sure; this was nothing he hadn't prepared for.

I would never be ready for this.

"We need to get Bella out of the way and stage a fighting area," Jasper replied, suddenly next to Alice. He'd been avoiding the crowd, and I'd assumed he'd been out of the house, but clearly he'd remained within vampire earshot.

"Jasper," I begged, "please, please tell me there's something I can do to help."

"If you can stand it, you can spread a few drops of blood and strands of hair around the fighting area so that they'll be distracted from your trail," he replied, kind eyes smiling into mine. "How we'll get you to your hiding place, though… Edward's scouted out a couple of campsites in higher elevations, but they'll likely be able to follow your path."

"Unless I take her," Jacob interjected. "Let me carry her."

"That's true, Bella!" Alice clearly liked this idea; she clasped her hands together under her chin. "I can barely smell you now, with Jacob all over you; if he carries you they'll never be able to catch it."

"Cool," Embry interrupted, looking around at all the barely-dressed girls and clearly enjoying the sight. "Can we dance now?"

"Dance now but we're going to drill later," Jacob said curtly.

"Well, I'm sure you can drill Bella al—" Quil stopped when Jacob smacked his head. "C'mon, Bella, if he won't dance with you I will."

"I don't dance!" I protested. He grabbed my hand and yanked me to the room where there were the most gyrating bodies. "Quil, don't, I want to keep my bones unbroken—"

He lifted me off the floor, holding me close to his eye level. "Eh, let's see if we can make him jealous." He was a different boy from the last time I'd seen him, lighthearted and mischievous.

"How are things with Claire?" I asked, and he laughed.

"Don't ask about her like she's a girlfriend, Bella, it's nasty. She's fine. Emily talked to her mom and kind of set it up so that she can be at Emily's and I can be around her, but not with her, you know? It hurts if we're too far away from each other, hurts her, too, I mean, so I had to do something, but that doesn't mean we have to, like, hang out. I'll be in the kitchen and she'll be in the living room or outside when it's nice." He shrugged; I could see doubt in the depths of his eyes. "I don't know what the right thing to do is, so I'm going to be guessing forever."

I slid my arms around his neck; he made me feel as light as a feather, expending close to no effort to keep me suspended against him. "That sucks. But you're a good guy; I bet you'll figure it out."

"Hope you're right," Quil shrugged again. He was a good dancer; Quil was good at anything guys did with girls, or so I'd been told, which was what made the whole imprinting thing even more awful. I knew I shouldn't let him hold me like this much longer, but it was nice to have physical contact with someone who didn't hurt when I touched him.

"Aaand here he comes," he muttered, just before I sensed Jacob's approach from my left. "See? Didn't take long."

"Let go," Jacob demanded, close enough that I felt heat on my back; Quil lowered me down to my feet, holding me by my shoulders until I was stable. "Back off."

Quil raised his hands and backed away, but he winked at me before turning to Lauren and saying, "Hey, haven't we met?"

Jacob put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Are you done?"

I shook my head at him. "No, I don't want to go home with you while you're like this. While we're like this. Everything sucks and I'm totally freaked out and you're supposed to be the secure thing but we're not and I'm scared."

He nodded, jerkily, once, twice, then slid his hand down to mine and clutched it. "Come on, I don't want to do this around a bunch of people with crazy good hearing."

I sighed; even I could see the sense of that. "Okay. Let me say goodnight to Alice."

I found her back behind the fortune-telling table. "Alice, thank you so much for my party. You're amazing and the best friend ever."

She hopped up and hugged me gently. "I love you, Bella. I'll see you tonight."

I hugged her back, and Jacob and I left the light and the noise behind us, trudging out to the truck, neither one of us looking forward to what was about to happen. I waited until he drove about a mile from the house and then said, "What? What is it? Please just tell me."

"You're still dreaming about him; it still hurts you that bad," he said, speaking almost before I'd finished.

I shook my head in disbelief. "Jake." He kept his eyes on the road. "Jake. Look at me." He glanced my way before returning his attention to the asphalt. "You're an idiot, Wolfboy. I dreamed about you that night. Congratulations, you've finally taken prime place in my nightmares. You win. Jerk."

His face was a study in _what the hell?_ "You were having a nightmare about me? Are you serious? How did it go?"

"Like you care!" I almost shouted. "If you wanted to know you should've asked days ago instead of _moping around_. Isn't that Edward's job? God!" I wanted to kick something or scream, but that wasn't Bella Swan, so instead I wrapped my arms around myself so tightly they ached, and jutted my chin out.

"Well I would've asked if you hadn't acted so weird and careful around me, like you were looking for the right moment to tell me something I didn't want to hear!" Jacob had no problems shouting full-volume.

"You're going to leave me!" My voice rose to match his. "You're going to dump me, no warning, no nothing, just 'you're not her' and that's it! And you're worried about what _I_ can do to _you_? What the hell, Jake?"

"Oh, that's _total_ _fucking bullshit_ , Bella!" he roared, so loud that my ears hurt, and just like that the tension drained out of me, leaving me light-headed and gasping with relief. He'd never been this unguarded with me before, never been sure enough of me or himself to get this angry and let me know it. He wasn't being cautious or polite, and he was my Jacob, furious and so beautiful.

He wrenched the wheel to the side, pulling the truck over onto the shoulder, threw it into park, and launched himself at me. I barely had time to think _finally_ before his mouth was on mine, not gentle at all, lips and teeth and tongue attacking me while his hands grabbed and clung wherever they could reach; my head thumped against the window behind it. I was going to be bruised again but this time it was the right kind of hurt. I anchored my fingers in his shoulders and pulled him against me, shuddering like an addict with the first hit of her fix. This was good, this was right, but it wasn't enough, he was still wearing clothes and we were in the cab of my truck, so that was all wrong; I could remember just before Alice had pulled up and I had wondered what would happen if I turned my head, and he needed to take it off.

I ran one hand under his shirt and inched it up, and up. He pulled his head away long enough to yank the shirt over it and then his tongue was back in my mouth. I moaned when I could encircle him with my arms and feel skin, heat and longing sinking into my bones through the contact. One of his hands dug into my hip; the other slid up under my shirt, tracing the half-circle edges of the fabric beneath it, rough finger pads on soft skin, and then he ripped my bra in two.

The surrender of the cloth and wire flipped a switch; we both froze, each of us waiting for the other to make the first move.

"Bells?" he asked after a second.

I held him as tightly as my arms would squeeze, and shivered; my heart's door swung open, barely hanging on its hinges because he'd wrenched it so hard. "I'll never, ever go back to him," I whispered against his lips.

"I'll never leave you, not ever," he said at the same time.

We pressed our foreheads together, eyes closed, and breathed.

Finally, he smoothed out my clothes, kissed me softly one last time, and said, "I'm sorry. I love you." He slid over to his side of the truck and put it in gear. "Let's get you home."

After another minute, I said, "You owe me a bra." I slid it out, sleepover style, from my sleeves, and then didn't know what to do with it, so I just threw it on the floor.

He snorted. "A clock, a bra… I owe you a lot of stuff. Keep a tab, okay?"

I scooted over and rested my head on his shoulder. "If we start keeping tabs, then I'll always end up owing you." I turned my face to kiss his skin beside me. "I love you so much, Jake."

"Yeah." He put his arm around me. "I'm starting to believe it really is enough."


	27. Request

I slept my way through the practice that night; all the emotional turmoil between the two of us had worn me out. Now that we were back on the right terms, and the only thing I felt from him was the usual happiness and focus, I could curl up right on the damp ground and drowse away. The only time I woke up, and that barely, was when Jacob lifted me in his arms to carry me around, checking with Jasper to make sure he could mask my trail.

Sleeping while everyone else drilled ended up working against me, though, because after we got home that night and he was dead asleep beside me, I stayed awake. I wanted something from him, but it was pretty scary to ask him for it and risk having him turn me down. Then again, this was _Jacob._ My personal sun, the one guy I knew would never keep anything from me if I asked. I had to be careful, really careful; sometimes I worried that I owned him too fully for him to allow himself to say no.

Other times I thought about imprinting, and how nobody really owns another person without the other's permission, except with the damned werewolves.

I stayed as still as I could for over an hour, but at last I must have fidgeted or sighed one too many times, and his eyes cracked open.

"What is it, honey?" he asked, reaching to pull me closer. I loved that about Jacob—we were never close enough as far as he was concerned.

"Can I ask you something?" I lay my arm over his where it encircled my waist, resting my hand upon his shoulder.

"Mm," he prompted, still mostly asleep.

I squeezed my eyes shut so I didn't have to see his face, and blurted, "Do you want to have sex with me?"

Well, now he was awake. Sudden tension from head to toe in the big body next to mine. I finally got up the nerve to peer at him through my eyelashes. In the light from the streetlamp, I could see his eyes wide open and staring.

"Like, now?" he finally asked in a strangled voice.

"No!" I exclaimed in knee-jerk response, and then thought better of it. "I mean, kind of. Yes. Now."

His lips parted, but no sound came out. He kept on staring.

Wow. It was even worse than I'd feared. Hot tears of rejection pooled in the back of my eyes; this was more devastating than it'd been with Edward, because Jacob had no reason to fear giving in to me. "Okay, I guess I've got my answer," I managed to choke out. "Sorry to wake you up."

I tried to roll over, but he grabbed my arm and wouldn't allow it. "No! No, Bells, no. Don't… I'm sorry, I was just so surprised. It feels like I'm in a dream or something. It wouldn't be the first time I've thought it was real and..." He pulled me full-length against him; I buried my face in the crook of his neck. A couple of teardrops leaked out onto his shoulder. "Oh, baby, don't. I'm so sorry."

He waited for a few minutes, caressing my arm and kissing my head, until I'd pulled myself together, and then asked, "Why are you awake and thinking about that right now? You're so tired; you were passed out on wet grass tonight."

"I'm scared, Jake." My words were muffled against his skin, but I knew he'd understand me. "You're about to go fight all these vicious, insanely strong vampires for me, and you could _die._ It's so freaking scary I can barely breathe. And… I want to do it. I'd want to do it anyway, but right now I really, really want to do it, because if something happens—"

"Nothing is going to happen," he interrupted. "Except we're going to rip apart a bunch of crazy leeches. That's it. You shouldn't do this because—"

"That's such bull, Jake!" I exclaimed, pulling back to glare at him. "I want to do this with you! I'd want to do it if you were just Jake and I was just Bella and there were no monsters and no magic to deal with at all. I want you to be my first." I worried at my lip a little when I heard how that sounded. "Well, I mean, I want you to be my last, too. I just want _you,_ okay? Plus, if anything did happen, _not_ doing it wouldn't exactly be a comfort or anything. 'Oh, gee, I'm so glad I didn't sleep with the guy who loved me _more than his own life;_ that would've been a tragedy! At least I'm still a virgin, yay!'"

He burst into laughter. After a tense second, I relaxed into giggles.

"Okay, I see your point." His hands weren't entirely steady as they caressed my back. "Bells, you know I want to—"

"I'm not so sure right now, Jake," I interrupted, a little hysterically. "I seriously can _not_ believe I'm having to talk you into this. What _is_ it with me and the guys in my life not wanting to have sex with me? What's wrong with this picture? I'm, like, the anti-sex. Even if I live for a century I'll die a virgin."

He snorted. "Please, honey. I can't even touch you without getting hard enough to punch through sheet metal. Don't tell me you haven't noticed."

Point to Jake, which tied us. I made a pouting noise and jerked my shoulder a little.

"Yeah, you know it's true," he said in a knowing tone.

"I do, so, what's the hold-up here?" I demanded. "It's either now or in a sleeping bag during whatever Alice meant when she mentioned 'the storm,' and let me tell you that, besides you, there is no way I'm doing it around people with supernatural hearing. Or, even worse, Edward; I would never torture anybody that way."

"Okay," he breathed, rolling over on top of me in one fluid motion.

Suddenly I was surrounded by heat and darkness. I lifted one hand to put on his heart and felt it thudding away madly under my fingers. "Okay?" I whispered, afraid to believe it.

"Of course okay." He kissed me hard enough to take my breath away, and then pulled back to say, "Of course I want you. I've wanted you since I saw you on First Beach. Do you really think I'm going to turn down the girl I've been dreaming about for more than a year when she's begging me to sleep with her? I'm a good guy, but I'm not _that_ good. Not if you don't want me to be." His lips traveled down from my mouth to my neck; he sucked on the skin just beneath my jaw and I shuddered. "I'm here to be…" He edged his teeth along my pulse. "Whatever you need."

"I need you to be the guy who has sex with me," I said, all in a rush, before I could chicken out.

He laughed again. "Okay. I'm good with that. Don't you want to get something to put under us, though? It's gonna get… um… I know you really like these sheets."

Oh, right. I knew that, but I hadn't been in any shape to think about practicalities. I scooted from underneath him over to the edge of the bed and hung off upside down, sliding out a box and pulling out an old towel—a relic from a trip to the beach back when I'd been in fourth grade. "Is this okay?"

"Whatever you don't mind getting ruined," he shrugged, then, "Is that a _unicorn_?"

"Shut up! I was ten!" I said indignantly, spreading the towel out and lying down on it.

"Hey, you've seen my G.I. Joe sheets, and I still use those if I haven't done laundry in a while," he shrugged with a grin, and then moved to hover over me, kissing down my neck again.

"Oh… good…" I sighed, burying the fingers of one hand in his hair to hold him close. "Jake, I _love_ you."

"Mmm," he hummed into my collarbone. "Can we take off your shirt now?"

I suppressed a chuckle. Once he committed, he committed. "Yeah," I whispered, and helped him pull my top over my head.

"Look at you," Jacob said softly, propping himself up on his elbows. I felt shy, but the glowing look he gave my exposed body kept me from covering up. "You're so damn beautiful."

I trailed my fingertips over his chest and stomach, relishing the jump of his muscles as I caressed my way down. "You too."

He smiled and lowered his head to my breasts, kissing his way in a careful circle around each one before fixing his mouth on one nipple. I whimpered a little, but I was smiling too.

I'd expected him to be as intense as he'd been the other times, all urgency and drive into me, but it seemed like he was so exhausted that it had taken off the edge of even a sixteen-year-old guy's horn dog tendencies. He kissed and licked every inch of my breasts, returned his lips to mine, and then did the whole thing all over again, his hands moving in wide strokes over the rest of my body.

I was tired too, so tired that my mind was blurry with it. The whole thing seemed like a dream, just like he'd said, my body taking over and responding without my brain's participation, while I watched and wondered at him moving above me.

His hands slid down, under the waistband of my panties, cupping my rear, holding me against him for a second before continuing their slow move all the way to my toes, taking the underwear with them, and then I was naked in front of Jacob Black. I didn't have time to shrink back or curl up, though, because he immediately covered me again with his body, protecting me from the chill of night and my own insecurities.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," he was murmuring in between kisses, slow and lazy kisses with plenty of tongue up and down my neck and on my mouth. "You're so soft; I love touching you like this…"

And I was kissing him too, every inch of his face and neck that I could reach, while I moved my hands between us, under his shorts, and caressed his erection. That got a gratifying reaction; he flinched as if I'd touched him with a live wire and his fingers dug into my ribs, hanging on for dear life. I did it again, pressing my hands against as much of him as I could, and he gasped, "Ah… God…" and reached down to still my movement. "That's enough; you make me insane and I—" I managed to wrap the fingers of one hand around him, despite his grip, and pull gently. " _Jesus,_ Bella!"

"Don't you like it?" I teased, infusing my voice with false concern.

"It's awful; never do it again," he growled into my ear, and I laughed, and then I gasped, because he'd moved his fingers between my legs and was slipping them through all the heat and wet to find… Oh, God. Talk about live wires; the current from his hand as he slid one finger inside me and pressed the heel of his palm to _exactly_ the right spot at the same time made me practically levitate off the bed. He stilled, watching my reaction, and asked, "Don't you like it?" with a grin.

"Yes I like it, you _bastard_ ," I babbled, "it's perfect, why are you stopping, God don't _stop,_ Jake—"

Jacob snorted with laughter. "Language, Bells," he mock-chastised. "This is supposed to be a sacred mo—oh—oh holy _fuck,"_ as I took advantage of his hand being occupied to grab him again, maybe a little too hard.

"That'll teach you," I said, narrow-eyed.

"Okay, I'm sorry," he soothed, just before he started sucking on my breast again and moving his finger inside me. I jolted again, crying out before I remembered I had to be quiet and ground my teeth together to hold the sounds that I couldn't help inside. His mouth and his hand seemed to be on opposite ends of the same cord, pulling an uncontrollable reaction from deep inside my center. My hips bucked frantically against the pressure and the slide as I clutched his head, until the internal combustion reached a crescendo and _boom,_ a massive wave of pleasure and emotion combined to shake me from head to toe. I sobbed once as I came, and dug my nails into his skin so deeply it had to hurt, but he just smiled as if he were remembering a private joke.

I wondered what was going on in his mind, but not for long, because he'd kicked off his shorts, rolled back on top of me and whispered, "Seriously, Bells, just like a _dream_ ; do you know how bad I've wanted to do this with you?" as he pressed up against my opening.

"Probably about as bad as I've wanted to do it with _you,_ " I managed to say, though it took almost all of my willpower to form words just at that point.

He chuckled above my ear and said, "More, and for way, way longer," just before he slid in so, so slowly.

I'd read enough to know this would only be worse if I tensed up, so I did some deep breathing and focused on his collarbone, which was just above my eye level when we were like this. He reached a place that didn't want to give, whispered, "I'm sorry, honey," and pushed through anyway, then stopped, waiting.

Jacob was inside me. _Inside_ me. And it…didn't hurt?

I closed my eyes, and breathed some more. No, that definitely didn't hurt. Well, for half a second, maybe, just a brief pinch like what the nurse said every year when I went in for my flu shot, "just a little pinch, sweetie," and that was it. I felt okay. Stretched in weird places, but okay. My blood thing wasn't bothering me for some reason, maybe because I was surrounded by Jacob and all I could sense was him.

I felt another internal _click_ , just as I had when we had made up after our fight at the airport: my heart, making a final adjustment, and now fully his.

I opened my eyes and looked up. Jacob was leaning on one arm to gaze down at my face, his free hand caressing my hair back so he could see, anxious and turned on all at once. I exhaled with relief and smiled up at him, bending my knees and pressing my heels flat against the bed.

He smiled back, but he was still uncertain, so I said, "Jake, you feel so _good,_ " and raised my hands to stroke his sides. It was true. Despite all my worries to the contrary he fit just fine, and he was so _hot,_ it was like being back in Phoenix at noon.

"You too," he managed to reply, though the words seemed to have trouble leaving his throat. "I can't believe… you're so…" He slid out just a little, so I lifted myself to follow the motion instinctively, and I think that's when he stopped being able to talk.

I went with what felt right and rotated my pelvis, pressing myself against his stomach with the motion, and he groaned. I _loved_ that sound. I loved making him squeeze his eyes shut, too, loved making him clutch at my shoulders and mouth soundless curses as he moved helplessly into me over and over with every lift of my hips. And I especially loved whispering, _I love you, love you, love you Jake,_ just as he pushed as far inside me as he could go and stayed there. I felt a burst of heat where we came together, while he quivered against me and buried his face in his forearm to muffle the sounds he made.

He collapsed into me for just a second, but I had no time to enjoy his weight pressing me down because he rolled over onto his back, taking me with him still joined. I crossed my arms on his chest and leaned my chin against them, gazing up at him and thinking happy things about being his Bella just as much as he was my Jacob. For a moment, everything bad and scary seemed unreal; the only genuine thing in my life right now was us.

If Jacob had been exhausted before, he was practically comatose now, eyes so heavy they were just slits, but he managed to lift his hand and brush my cheek with the back of his knuckles. "Hey, beautiful."

"Hey yourself," I said, with a lopsided smile.

"Are you feeling okay? You weren't just pretending it didn't hurt, were you?"

I shook my head no. "It really didn't, after a second. Promise. I feel good still." I wriggled a little, enjoying the way the motion still made him catch his breath. "We should do that again."

He breathed out a laugh. "You're amazing, you know that? I love you so much."

"Mmm, me too. Can we just stay this way forever?"

"That sounds about right."

As he spoke, though, a draft hit my back and I shivered from cold instead of other reasons. Sighing regretfully, Jacob lifted me off him and put me into the crook of his arm. I whimpered as he slid away. "I don't like that part."

"Me neither," he sympathized, pulling the towel up and using it to clean himself off. "Holy shit, this is messy without a condom."

"Don't tell me you're complaining about that because I won't believe you."

" _No._ " I laughed at his emphasis. He grinned, too, but then looked a little shamefaced when he added, "It's gonna take some getting used to, though; I can usually go for longer than five minutes, believe it or not. No condom plus no sex for a year isn't so good for the whole self-control thing, so, sorry. _"_

"I'm not complaining either," I reassured him.

"Nice of you," he teased, moving the towel to me. I twitched a little as he patted between my legs, and he winced. "Oh, hell. Sorry."

"No, I'm okay," I reiterated. "I swear. It just felt nice, is all. I think you're turning me into a total nympho."

He snorted, and tossed the towel across the room to land in the hamper. "Honey, you need to go to sleep."

"Yeah, so do you," I agreed, my eyes already closing. "Thank you, Jake. For… you know."

"Yeah, it was really tough, but I'm glad I could take one for the team," he mumbled, so close to dozing off that his lips barely moved.

I mock-punched him on the shoulder, and then I passed out.

# # #

The door slamming woke me up. Jacob murmured, "It's okay; it's Charlie with my dad."

"Leaving or coming in?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed.

"They're leaving."

His hand ran up and down my side, tracing the outline of my breast, waist, hip and back up again. I buried my head in my pillow. "Don't wanna wake up. Sleepy."

The hand stilled. "Sorry; go back to sleep."

I waited, but it was too late; I would be awake for a while. Sighing, I rolled over to look at Jacob. "Are you okay?"

He smiled a little, searching my face. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question?"

I stretched out my legs and winced. "Ooh. Yeah. I guess you should." _Now_ I had a serious ache going on down there. Well, if I had to hurt it was better for it to be after the fact rather than during the actual moment.

He screwed up his face in remorse. "I'm really sorry. Girls get the shit end of the deal."

"I asked for it, remember? And I'm not sorry." For once, I broke my own rule and kissed him. "Not even a little bit."

Jacob kissed me back, and then dropped a couple more kisses on my neck and chest. "That's good. No seducer's remorse?"

I laughed and angled up off the bed, keeping my face turned away to hide the grimace of pain. "Yeah, I'm pretty seductive, all right. I had to work for days to come up with my master plan. 'Jake, please have sex with me.' 'Okay.' It was really complex." I started to walk, stiff and cautious, toward the bathroom, and hissed a little at the stinging.

"Honey," he said, thick guilt verbalized in two-syllable form. Before I knew it, he'd picked me up.

I looped my arms around his neck and burrowed my head into his chest, sighing. "Oh. That's better. Can you take me to the bathroom?"

"Whatever you need," he said, and I flashed back to him saying the same thing last night.

"Hey, wait." Obediently, Jacob paused, and I craned my neck back to look at him. "Not joking for a second: you really did want to do that, last night, right? You didn't feel, um, obligated or anything?"

He laughed at me. "Yeah, Bells. It was _so_ bad. You had me backed in a corner and I didn't know how to say no. I wasn't ready yet, but I was worried you'd break up with me if we didn't."

"Okay, okay, smartass, just making sure. Bathroom, please?"

I flinched my way through showering, and gingerly made my way back to my room naked when I realized I'd forgotten to get clothes. Jacob was playing Bubble Breaker on my phone when I stepped into the doorway, but seeing me standing there wet and nude got his attention fast.

"Holy shit." He stood up so quickly, I didn't really see him move. "Are you okay?"

"Stop asking me that," I growled, hobbling to the dresser. "I. Am. Fine."

"You _look_ fine," he said, apparently unable to quit staring. "Better than fine, except for the Gollum walk."

I laughed out loud at that, shooting him a mock-angry look over my shoulder. "Funny guy."

"Yeah, I'm a real clown. Here, let me get that stuff for you. It's a good thing we were planning on having me carry you up to the campsite anyway." He dug out my second-favorite shirt, the top pair of underwear and the bra beside it, and the jeans I always wore when we rode the bikes together, then swept me up and carefully laid me down on the bed.

I leaned back and cocked an eyebrow at him. "You're acting _really_ guilty."

"What?" he asked absentmindedly, staring at my boobs. "Oh. No I'm not."

I scoffed and sat up to pull on my underwear and jeans. "You didn't corrupt me, Jake. Older woman, remember? Legal adult? Capable of making somewhat mature decisions, supposedly? If anything, I should be feeling guilty about you."

Jacob sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "I just hate being the one who hurt you. Okay? Are you happy now that I said it?"

I sighed, too, and lifted my bra off the covers. "Not really, but at least you're being honest now." I hooked the front and reached for my shirt, pulling it over my head. "Jake, sit down. Please?" He came to sit next to me. I leaned into him until he put his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. I caressed his forearm as I went on, "Listen. You're not the one who hurt me." He made some noise, about to argue, and I cut him off. "No. I'm serious. This was all me. Jake, you're the one who saves me, even from myself. You're the one who's… who's like you said, exactly what I need. You did what I needed you to do, and I'm starting to feel guilty about asking you now because you're pretty damn upset about it."

He was silent for a second, then, "I'm sorry. I'm being a total dick right now, huh?"

I giggled. "Maybe not _total._ Um… kind of. A little. Can we just agree that it was awesome and we liked it a lot?"

I looked up to see him smiling at me, a real smile this time. "Hell, yes."

I turned my head to kiss his chest. "Good. Let's get ready to go?"

"Yeah." He kissed my head again and got up. "Bells?"

"Uh-huh?"

"It really was like the best dream I ever had. Better."

I grinned at him. " _Now_ I feel good."


	28. Tent

I had cleaned out my hairbrush on Jasper's orders, so Jacob took me to the clearing where the pack and the Cullens hoped to lead the newborns and left hair everywhere with the vampires' help. The pack was spread out between La Push and Forks, busy guarding the perimeter. When we were done with planting my hair, Carlisle took a couple of blood samples while I squeezed my eyes shut and Jacob loosely cupped his hand over my mouth and nose to disguise the odor.

"Excellent, Bella," Carlisle said with a smile when he had a couple of vials. "We'll be able to spread the blood far enough outside Forks that the newborns should bypass the population altogether. They'll be beside themselves when they smell this. I appreciate you letting me get it."

"Of course," I replied. "It's pretty much the only thing I can do to help keep people safe."

"You could always let us take you to the U.K.!" Emmett called from where he stood upwind. "It makes a hell of a lot more sense than camping in a snowstorm. Isle of Skye's beautiful this time of year. Think of it, Baby Bell; tons of wildflowers and all sorts of girlie shit."

"Yeah, because Victoria would never figure that one out, and all the werewolves have passports for when she does," I said sarcastically. He just grinned.

"Bella's right; it's better to end this now," Esmé agreed. "Jacob, Alice and Jasper are already at the campsite. It might be best to go up now."

"Are you ready?" Jacob asked me.

I held up my arms in answer; Jacob scooped me up and took off uphill. He waited until the others were out of sight before he lifted me up enough to nuzzle my neck. I sighed with contentment and leaned my head against his shoulder. "I'm glad I've got you tonight, anyway."

"You've got me for as long as you want me," he said, planting a kiss on my forehead.

I hoped it was true. I hoped nothing bad would happen tomorrow. Everyone was so confident… They surely all knew more about this stuff than I did. I couldn't shake the feeling of impending doom no matter how hard I tried, though.

When I didn't answer, he chuckled and held me tighter. "I swear, Bells. Everything is gonna be okay. Tomorrow night this'll all be over and you can come up with a whole bunch of new ways to show your appreciation for me defending you from the Undead Nation. And by 'new ways,' I mean sex. In lots of different positions."

I burst into laughter that was only slightly hysterical. "Thank you _so much_ for making that clear! I never would've guessed!"

"Hey, you're new to all this. I've gotta be sure there are no misunderstandings."

He kept teasing me out of my worry all the way up the mountain, and I joked back, but fear still held my brain and heart in an icy grip.

Alice had made sure that when she and Jasper set up the campsite, she brought a space heater. "It's going to get really, really cold," she called, waving it above her head the way a human would wave an empty gas can, as soon as Jacob climbed the final rise to the clear area. "You'll be miserable if you don't use this."

"You can use me," Jacob whispered, but of course she heard and rolled her eyes.

"Yes, yes, be sure you make use of your personal fur coat as well."

I flinched; the reference was a little too similar to my nightmares. Jacob looked at me inquiringly; I patted his chest and said, "Tell you later. Put me down, I'll be fine." He lowered me to the ground and trotted off to phase. I took a few cautious steps and grinned. The pain had subsided to a very low-key burn. I'd be good as new—better—in a little bit, and then we could... Jasper gave me a puzzled glance, then raised his eyebrows and redirected his gaze too quickly. Great. Between vampires and werewolves, I had no privacy left.

"Don't tell Edward," I said resignedly in an undertone.

"I swear I won't think of it," Jasper replied, loudly enough for me to hear. At least he didn't pretend he didn't know what I was talking about.

I wandered closer to check out the tent, and then ducked my head through the flap. Alice had bought enough supplies to outfit an army unit. "You can keep all this after we're done with the fight," she said with an airy wave of her hand. "Consider it a graduation present."

I dubiously gave the setup a once-over. "Alice, I work at Newton's, remember? There must be over two thousand dollars worth of stuff here."

"Good, then if you ever go camping again you won't need anything," she said with a dismissive shrug. I shook my head at her; I would never, ever get used to the Cullen nonchalance toward money.

"Seth's on his way," Jacob reported, returning from whatever telepathic conversations he'd had. He surveyed the campsite. "Looks good, Crossing Over."

Alice smirked at him. "Enjoy yourself, mutt. Just don't let her wear you out too badly."

I groaned and hit my forehead with the heel of my hand. "Alice!"

"What, Bella? I was just talking about making love. Doesn't it get old trying to hide everything when you live with your dad?" she asked innocently. I didn't have time to answer before she and Jasper disappeared.

"We won't be alone in there," I grumbled, kicking a rock in front of me.

Jacob laughed. "Yeah, we will. You think I'm gonna let Seth hang out in the tent and just, I don't know, hope he doesn't notice what I'm doing to you?"

I looked at him indignantly. "It's not very nice to make the poor kid shiver outside during a snowstorm!" As I said the word, a few flakes drifted down from the steel-gray clouds overhead.

"Ah, he'll be fine," Jacob said dismissively. "Wolves love snow. We're always too hot anyway. I'll tell him it's a huge responsibility and he'll be all about that."

I pouted a little. "I don't want him to hear us. You know he will."

He moved a little closer, invading my space until I could feel the heat radiating from his skin. Automatically, I lifted my hands and slid them around his waist; I could never be this close without touching. He lowered his head and sucked on my earlobe. I gasped and shuddered; he pulled away just enough to whisper, "Then I guess you'll just have to be very, very quiet."

"Ooohh," I breathed as his teeth scraped the tender skin under my ear. "Um… Okay. That sounds… that sounds fine."

He snorted with amusement and pulled away to grin at me. "So. Sex is the key to getting you to cooperate with me?"

"As long as you're only looking for cooperation about sex," I clarified, grinning back.

"How about we just do it before he gets here?" he asked.

The wicked gleam in his eye had me chuckling. "You honestly think I'm going to turn you down, don't you?"

"And you're going to tell me you won't?"

I bit my lip and shook my head. "Nope."

He raised an eyebrow. "Prove it."

I ripped my shirt off over my head, and then unhooked my bra as I dashed toward the tent. "If I beat you there, you have to sleep outside and let Seth have the sleeping bag!" I called over my now bare shoulder. I was about two feet away from the doorway when he passed me, diving in so fast that the whole tent rocked on its pegs for a second. I snorted with laughter, and then squealed when one long arm reached out and yanked me in to join him. I landed on his chest. Our eyes met for a moment; I bit my lip at the look he gave me, impossibly turned-on and impossibly loving all at once. He'd always loved me better than I'd loved him; I wasn't sure if what I had to offer was anything close to enough, but at least I could give him _this._ I started pulling his shorts off at the same time as he unbuttoned my jeans. Within seconds, we'd stripped off all of our clothes and were skin to skin.

"Oh, look what I found," I teased, trailing my fingers up his erection while he gasped. "You're already ready, what a surprise."

"Yeah, it's almost like I've been wanting to do this for over a year now or something," he laughed. He was still on his back, so I straddled him and guided him inside me more easily than I'd expected—he slid all the way up in one slick motion. It burned for a second, but the pain disappeared almost instantly.

"God!" I looked up to see his head thrown back, all the muscles in his throat corded with tension as he gritted his teeth. I grinned. This was fun, making the big bad werewolf shake and quiver underneath me. As I angled up just a little, though, he grabbed my waist with both hands and said in a breathless rush, "If you want this to last longer than thirty seconds you'd better not move, holy shit, you need to give me some time to get used to how good you feel because God _damn_ …."

For a second, I considered just going ahead and moving anyway, but then I realized he might be embarrassed and I didn't want that, so I obediently sat, motionless, until at last he opened his eyes again and took a deep breath. "Okay. Sorry."

"Don't be," I whispered, leaning forward to kiss his chest. "I love you. I love that you want me so much."

"Always," he said, stroking my hair back so he could see my face. "Here, sit up so I can see you."

Oh. Right. He could see… Holy crow, he could see everything as I straightened. I felt completely self-conscious for a second, seeing my not-perfect body joining his immaculate form, but then he cupped my breasts in his hands and I forgot to think about anything. I put my own fingers over his, pressing him against my heart, using his arms for leverage as I rocked back and forth. I was really close already—he wasn't the only one who had been wanting to do this, whether or not I had admitted it to myself—but this wasn't quite enough. I frowned in frustration, glancing at his face for a clue. He smiled when I did and moved one hand between my legs, making me yelp in shock because _oh,_ that was what was missing.

"Jake," I gasped.

"It's okay, it's okay," he replied. It didn't make any sense, but I didn't care. He moved his thumb in just a slightly different direction, and that was all I needed to convulse right over the edge, slamming one hand down on his chest to keep my balance as I whimpered his name again. It felt really different with him inside me; he must have gotten something out of it too, because almost as soon as I was done he bolted upright and clutched me against him, whispering a bunch of stuff that I couldn't understand as he thrust even deeper over and over again until he lost his rhythm and came, shaking into me and crushing me with his arms.

The instant the glow started fading though, emotion sneaked up and jumped me. I ducked my head and tried to hide my face as he stroked my hair down my back, whispering, "You're so sexy, I love you so much, you're so beautiful," but he must have sensed something that made him suspicious, because he grasped my chin and gently forced me to look at him. "Honey, what's wrong?" he demanded, as twin tears trickled down my cheeks. "Was it too soon after last night? I'm sorry, it seemed like you liked it—"

"No!" I shook my head in anxious reassurance. "No, I promise, I wanted it, just like that, it was awesome. It's just, I'm so freaking scared." I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could. "I wish there was some way for you to stay with me. I wish there was some way to keep you safe, besides me turning myself in to Victoria and hoping she leaves the rest of you alone."

"That wouldn't stop the newborns," he reminded me. "And, I'm sorry, Bells, but there's no way I'd abandon the others like that. They need me there."

"I know," I said miserably. "And it'd be really selfish of me and stupid."

"Yeah, but I understand. I'd feel the same way if it was you." He kissed my forehead. "Let's get cleaned up before Seth gets here." We got dressed; by this point, the snow was flying thick and fast outside so I just huddled into the sleeping bag while he went outside to wait for his pack brother. They ducked in together a few minutes later; Jake had Seth in a headlock and Seth was pounding on Jacob's ribs. I laughed in spite of myself. They clowned around all day; I got the feeling it was more for my benefit than anything else, but I was too grateful for the effort to question it.

Once night fell, however, Seth volunteered to keep watch and left the tent to just the two of us. I frowned after him. "He's going to freeze to death."

"Course he won't," Jacob replied, unzipping the sleeping back and climbing inside next to me.

"Wait, turn down the space heater if you're going to do that." When he complied, I snuggled down lower and wrapped my arms around him. "That's better."

"Do you want the light on or off?" he asked, pulling up the zipper.

"On. I want to see you." Being like this reminded me of when we'd climbed in the Play Place in Dallas. "Hey, Jake?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me about your mom."

He snorted with laughter. "Are you going to try therapy with me? I'm warning you, my mind is very happy with its sick nature. I'm not sure it wants to get better."

I smacked his shoulder. "No, I'm not trying to be your therapist. I just feel bad that I never asked you about her. I always feel like you give and give and give and I take and take and take and there's nothing I do for you."

"Hey, hey," he murmured, gathering me into his arms. "That's not true. You make me so happy, honey. Just being with you makes me happy. If you want me to tell you about my mom, though, I can."

"Yes, please?"

His hands moved to support my head, playing with my hair. "Um… Let me think. She was tall; almost as tall as my dad. I come by it honestly on both sides of the family. She loved to look pretty; she would take forever to do her hair and make-up, but I was always proud of her when we went out because she looked so nice. She wore bangles, tons of them. I don't have any memory of her without those things jingling on her wrists with every move she made." He lowered his forehead to rest on the pillow next to me; I wriggled against him while he kept talking. "She yelled, a lot; my dad gets quiet-mad but she yelled when she was pissed. She yelled when she was happy, too, or when she was sad; she was just _loud,_ you know? I loved that about her, too, when it didn't embarrass me; she didn't try to hide the way she was because of the way all the other moms acted. She was just herself."

He trailed off, but I didn't want him to stop. "What else?"

"She couldn't _stand_ when I'd leave my socks outside. She made French toast every Saturday morning for my sisters and me. She loved sports, especially football; if Charlie couldn't watch the game with my dad, she'd sit on my dad's lap and holler at the refs with him. She told us she loved us every chance she got. It was like… like the way she'd end a sentence, when she talked to us. 'Jake, you need to go clean up your mess. I love you.' 'Rachel, you need to be more careful when you're running around corners. Okay? I love you.' Are you bored yet?"

I shook my head. "No. She sounds really cool." She sounded like Jacob; Sarah Black had taught him how to love.

"She was pretty cool. I miss her. I miss having her on my side. She used to fight with my dad all the time about his eating. Said he loved sugar more than he loved us, since he was choosing it instead. I wish…"

I turned to kiss his jaw. "What do you wish?"

Jacob propped himself up on one elbow. "Oh… a whole hell of a lot of stuff; mostly, though, I just wish you guys could know each other now. I think she'd have liked the way you turned out. She always joked around and said nobody was good enough for her kids, but I bet she would've made an exception for Charlie's daughter."

He gave me the sweetest smile I'd ever seen. I grabbed his face and kissed as much of it as I could, unable to stop myself even though I knew it was a frantic and needy thing to do. "You're so cool. Seriously. I can't believe you want me. What the hell are you thinking?" I demanded.

"I'm thinking that you need to get over that bullshit," he replied, and kissed me back until I couldn't breathe.

"Okay," I gasped when he drew his mouth away from mine. "I'll get over it."

"No, it's not that easy. You're going to have to pay a penalty," he contradicted, moving his lips lower.

"What kind of penalty?" I demanded, running my fingers through his hair as he sucked on my neck.

"You're going to have to remain completely silent while I do this. Seth's young and innocent and it'd just be wrong to corrupt him." He unzipped the sleeping bag as he moved lower, past my bellybutton, and kept going.

"Jacob Black," I growled, "You had better not be headed where I think you're headed, because I—I—holy crap!" I clapped my hands over my face and whimpered, because that was _exactly_ where he was going.

He lifted his head enough to shush me. "Remember Seth."

"I don't wanna remember. I hate you," I moaned through my fingers, and those were the last real words I could speak for a while.

We couldn't stay awake forever, of course; even werewolves had limits, and I insisted that Jacob get some sleep regardless. When morning dawned, icy and pristine, I kissed him goodbye and watched as he bounded down the mountain to join the others. Seth whimpered. I felt like doing the same.

"Sucks being left behind, doesn't it?" I said with a sympathetic smile.

He whined, pinning his ears back.

"I'm going to go back in the tent. Let me know if anything happens that's… not what we expected, okay?" I climbed back into the tent and zipped the flaps closed, then turned up the space heater. Holy crow, I hadn't realized how cold it was until Jacob left me alone in here.

Eventually, Seth's shadow rose and stalked away. He was probably too keyed up to sit still. I sat there for what felt like hours, staring blankly at the wall of the tent, straining my ears for the sound of Jacob's paws.

The sound that tore the silence, however, was howling, Seth howling, and then yelping frantically. I'd once seen a dog get hit by a car, and this sounded way worse. I bolted upright and scrambled for the tent flaps, yelling, "Seth! Seth, what's wrong, what's happening?"

Before I could reach the zippers, the entire dome of the tent ripped from its bottom and flew away, leaving me crouched on a circle of canvas, exposed to the elements. I screamed as Victoria leaned down, head tilted inquisitively, red eyes unblinking.

"Hello, mouse," she purred in her baby-doll voice.


	29. Victoria/Volturi

  
"Is this the one?" another voice demanded, a male voice this time. "Is this the human who's caused all the trouble?"  
I tore my gaze from Victoria to see a second vampire standing behind her. He looked like he'd been in his early twenties when he'd been turned, with blond hair and bright red eyes—he couldn't be very old, in vampire terms. Blood dripped from his hands; he flicked it away, nose wrinkled in disgust. I tried not to pass out as droplets landed on the snow near me.

"She doesn't look so dangerous," he added dubiously, and I shuddered. His _voice_ … it sounded too much like Edward's, silky and unnaturally clear, sounding across so many more frequencies than a human could manage.

"You have no idea, Riley," Victoria murmured. "How much trouble one little human _pet_ can cause… Whatever does he see in you, mouse? It's so bizarre, like a human mating with a pig. Unnatural. Wrong." She reached out one finger to trace along the line of my cheek; it burned and then went numb, like frostbite. "Your romantic attachment is a crime against nature. It's only fitting that we put a stop to such bestiality."

 _Bells.  
_  
I gasped and flinched, barely stopping myself from turning to look for Jacob. I knew why I was hearing his voice. I was about to die.

 _Bells, keep her talking.  
_  
"How—How did you find me?" I managed to choke out. It wouldn't do any good, but I would do anything for Jacob.

"I knew your precious Edward would never allow his mate to come close to the real fighting," she said, angling her head forward and sniffing my skin. I shook so hard my teeth clicked together like castanets. Victoria didn't bother with the human charade the Cullens had raised to an art form. She was like a cross between a lizard and a cat, creepily smooth and utterly focused. "Riley here knows the area, so he looked for the most remote campsite he could find. And—such a clever boy!—look what he found when he discovered a vampire trail! A little rodent, just waiting for the trap to _snap—"  
_  
She casually prodded my arm with that same finger; I screamed as the upper bone fractured under the pressure. "…Closed on her neck."

I clutched my broken arm with the other hand, swallowing back bile. If I threw up, it might disgust her so badly that she'd end it immediately. Of course, maybe that would be better…

 _Bella, don't give up._ Edward's voice.

 _Don't give up, honey._ Jacob's. _Just hang on.  
_  
"I'm not his mate!" I exclaimed through my gritted teeth. "Not his mate! Not anymore."

Victoria froze; I could see rapid recalculation occurring behind her eyes.

"Impossible," she breathed after an endless moment, angling back on one leg as she crouched before me. "I've seen the way he looked at you. I _remember_ … You belong to him, mouse."

That made me angry enough to argue. "I don't belong to anybody!" Almost too late, I remembered the role I had to play and changed my tone a notch. "He doesn't want to be with me anymore. He took me… His brother almost killed me on my birthday, I was turning eighteen, there was a party and I cut my finger and his brother nearly killed me, and Edward took me to the woods, he said goodbye, he said he'd been pretending, that I wasn't interesting enough, that he needed _distractions_ , and he kissed me on the top of my head and he left me in the woods, I couldn't find him, I still _can't find him—_ " At some point my act had become reality and my words turned hysterical.

"Sshhh," Victoria hissed, a small, cruel smile playing at the corners of her lips. "Poor mouse. All alone. It's a pity he didn't see fit to protect you this time." I'd dropped my unbroken arm to lean upon my hand on the blankets. She reached out her hand and ran her fingers over the corresponding ones on my hand, like playing scales on the piano. _Do, re, mi, fa, so…_ The small bones snapped instantly, one after the other. I screamed again as the bright pain exploded like fireworks. "It would be _such_ a pleasure to make him watch as I tear you apart."

"Why don't you wait for him?" I suggested in between desperate pants for air. "I'm sure he'll be here in a minute." I wasn't sure of any such thing. If they'd put Seth out of commission—I wouldn't consider the other possibility—too fast, there was a very good chance nobody among our allies knew what was going on up here on the mountain.

"Now there's a notion." She bared her teeth, clearly relishing the prospect. "But… No. I've worked far too hard to bring this about; I can't abide the thought of having it all go wrong at the last. And why on earth would he be on his way if you're not his mate? I think you're lying, little rodent, one way or another."

"I'm not," I moaned. My head was almost too heavy to keep upright, but I couldn't break the hold her gaze kept upon my attention. "I'm not lying. I'm not his mate, he doesn't want to be with me, but he feels responsible for me, and he'll feel guilty for the rest of his… life…"

A new cold brushed against the back of my neck. I jerked around to see Riley, rubbing his nose through my hair against the skin. "She's _delicious,"_ he snarled.

Victoria shoved his shoulder; he rolled backwards, head over heels, about twenty feet. "Mine!" she screeched, and then made a visible effort to restrain herself. "You've been very helpful, Riley, but don't press your luck."

"But, Victoria, sweetheart," he protested. "I only wanted a taste, baby."

I stared at him, and slowly, realization dawned; with it, my fear shoved itself to the side. "Oh my God." I laughed. "You haven't told him, have you?"

"Told him what, mouse?" she inquired, eyebrows lifted.

I directed my words to Riley. "Did she tell you she _loves_ you?"

"Of course. She _does_ love me," he replied.

I shook my head and laughed again. Poor stupid undead boy. "Oh no. Well, maybe just a little bit. But you aren't her _mate._ Her mate was James."

His forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. "James? Who's James?"

"He's nobody," Victoria interrupted, her voice going even softer.

"He's nobody," I agreed. "Nobody and nothing but a pile of ashes, because Edward _killed_ him. Or whatever it counts for with your kind."

"Edward? _Your_ mate?" Riley asked, confusion rippling over his features.

I shook my head, but it wasn't worth arguing about anymore. "Sure. Whatever. James was Victoria's mate."

"No, he wasn't," she contradicted, eyes widening disingenuously. "No, he was just a friend, Riley, like Laurent, we were all friends. I cared for him, but I never _loved_ him. Not like you, my darling."

"Not like you at all, because you're just a poor secondhand replacement tool she could use to find _me,"_ I needled. This probably wasn't going to prolong the process of my dismemberment, but, whatever. Jacob and Edward were silent now; I was on my own, and the best I could hope for was a quick end.

"Victoria?" Riley asked, looking at her with dread. "Is that true?"

"Quiet, rodent!" she ordered, and broke my jaw with an impatient slap. I almost passed out from the pain, but I managed to swallow the blood and stay awake, barely—I couldn't manage upright, though. From my prone position on the sleeping bags and covers, I heard her say, "Riley, why in heaven's name would you listen to this pathetic little bloodbag? The only thing she's good for is a feed!"

My entire body pounded in rhythm with the pulses in my broken bones, but I wasn't cold or scared anymore, so that was a plus. Shock was setting in, blanketing any negative emotions under numbness. The absence of fear made me light-headed; I started laughing drunkenly, my head lolling around.

"What are you laughing at?" Riley demanded. "Stop it! Stop laughing! What's so funny?"

"I just… know what it's like… to get strung along by a vampire…" I managed to slur out. "Sucks, doesn't it? No pun…" My rapidly swelling jaw suddenly made speaking too difficult to bother with. I stopped.

"She doesn't have anything to gain by this," Riley whispered. I could hear the realization of betrayal seeping into his voice, but I couldn't really concentrate on it. That beautiful voice… I would never hear Edward speak again without thinking of this… No, I'd never hear him speak again at all… The thought gave me a distant pang of sadness, but I was far more concerned about the fact that I'd never have Jacob's hands on me again. It seemed like an awful injustice; the boy was _so good_ with his hands. At least I'd sent him off with a bang… Now _there_ was a pun…

"Of course she does; we haven't eaten her yet, have we?" Victoria laughed, but the edge of nervousness gave the lie to the sound.

"Victoria…" He sounded sick. If he hadn't been so intent on murdering me, I might have felt sorry for him. "She's telling the truth, isn't she? You don't love me. You never loved me. This whole thing—all those _people_ you turned—it was just a big fuck-you to that Edward guy, wasn't it?"

"Fine. Believe _her,_ " she snapped. "It makes no difference. The end to this tale has already been written."

"I was always a big fan of O. Henry, myself," he replied, and launched himself at her. A white streak—his flying form—sailed over my head. Victoria's hair disappeared from my view.

I could hear the crashing-boulders-sound of two vampire bodies colliding, followed by the agonized crack and groan of the trees they struck in their combat. I couldn't see anything, though. My vision was getting dim around the edges. I rolled my head to look up at the sky, crystal clear and deep blue above me. Maybe I'd be unconscious when the winner came back for me. That would be nice, if I could sleep through my desiccation. I summoned enough clarity to think, _I love you, Jacob. I love you I love you I love you._ I hoped that whatever he was doing, he'd be able to feel it.

I felt the pounding before I heard it—rhythmic concussions against the earth in a pattern I'd recognize anywhere—Jacob's paws, racing to my rescue.

" _Victoria!_ " Edward shouted just as I figured out what I was hearing. They had both come to save me.

A wordless scream was his only answer. Jacob's snarling yaps practically deafened me as he attacked. Now my inability to see was a severe frustration, but there was nothing I could do; shock and pain held me immobile.

"Oh no," Edward purred, and I shivered at the cold fury in his voice. "Please stay just a minute longer."

A crack—a yelp—and then a horrible, ear-splitting screech of sound, like a car being torn in two.

Before I could form Edward's name, I heard him call, "That's it, Jacob—I'll incinerate her; you take the young one."

"No! Please! It wasn't my idea—she tricked me!" Riley screamed, but Jacob was in no mood to listen to pleas from a vampire. Another, higher-pitched snarl joined his, and then for the second time, I heard the metallic strains of an immortal death. Thick clouds of heavy purple smoke began to billow around me on the ground—Edward, burning Victoria's body.

"Get every piece—" I heard him say, then, "What was that? All right, you're right. Go to her, I'll get the rest. Seth?"

I squinted, desperate for a glimpse, and then finally, finally, I saw the russet-furred wolf hovering above me.

"Hey," I whispered, trying to smile. Something was wrong with my mouth; it couldn't move right. "I miss' you," I managed to get out anyway.

He collapsed in on himself, human once again, face distraught. "Honey—Bella—what happened, show me what needs help, where are you hurt—"

"Oh, e'rywhere," I sighed, closing my eyes again. They shot open again as I remembered. "Set'! Jake, you ha' to fin' him—"

"Seth's fine," he interrupted. "He's helping Edward. Don't worry about him. Jesus, Bells, you are so fucked up, I don't even know where to start—"

His bedside manner needed some serious work. I wanted to give him a hard time for it, but I didn't have the energy.

Edward came alongside him. Jacob jerked around, snarling impressively for someone in human form, and then caught himself. "Sorry. Instinct."

"It's fine," Edward said dismissively, running cold hands over me. "This bone is broken—Oh, Bella, your fingers—It feels like the jaw will need to be wired shut—"

"Are you a doctor too?" Jacob asked.

Edward nodded absently. "Of course. I've had my M.D. for a while now."

 _Of course,_ Jacob mouthed sarcastically, but he didn't interfere.

Edward's hands stopped in their tracks. He stared at nothing for a second, and then quietly said, "Damn it. That was a complication we didn't need."

"What?" Jacob demanded.

"The Volturi are coming."

My eyes, which had been drifting closed, flew open again. I started flailing, trying to get up.

"No, Bella, _lie down_ ," Jacob ordered, and something in his voice made all the impetus vanish from my limbs, but Edward spoke over him.

"Jacob, you need to go. You need to go now."

"I'm not hiding from a bunch of fucking leeches, and I'm not leaving her! You can fucking forget about that shit!"

"If they find out about you, they will wipe you from the face of the earth." The absolute finality in Edward's tone silenced Jacob. "They will level the reservation. There will be no Quileute Nation. It's either leave Bella or destroy your people. I'm sorry."

"What about Bella?" Jacob asked, eyes frantically darting between Edward and me.

"I'll have to take her with me. I'm sorry, but at this moment it's imperative that they believe she is still my mate. It offers her a level of protection she won't be afforded otherwise."

Jacob clearly hated that even more than the idea of leaving me. I managed to lift my unbroken hand and touch his arm. "Jake."

He grabbed my fingers and lifted them to his lips. His mouth was frowning so deeply it looked like he was crying. "I can't do it, Bells. I can't."

"You ha' to. For me. Go now. I can' lose you."

"Fuck," he whispered, and then whirled on Edward. His voice ground out, low and fierce. "If she isn't in one piece when I see her again—"

"I'll already be destroyed. Saves you the trouble," Edward interpolated. "Please _go_. She'd be devastated if anything happened to you, and I'd do anything to protect her from further grief."

Without another word, Jacob exploded into his wolf and took off running.

"Bella, this is going to be extremely painful," Edward warned. "I'm going to wrap you as tightly as I can in this blanket, but I'm going to have to run down the mountain. I'll make it as smooth as possible, but I'm sure you'll be in agony. I'm sorry, in advance."

I just nodded wearily. More pain? Oh, that was old news. Bring it.

He wrapped the corners of the blanket upon which I lay around me like a cocoon, swaddling me in its velvety softness, and then lifted me into his embrace without a bit of jarring. "Here we are." I closed my eyes and leaned into the stone cold of his chest while he dashed to meet the others.

He was right; the trip down the mountain was agonizing.

When we got to the clearing, the purple smoke made breathing almost impossible. I coughed and moaned with renewed anguish; Edward loosened part of the blanket enough to use it as a makeshift filter for my nose and mouth. Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper darted around the meadow, picking up random pieces of torn-up vampire and throwing them into the bonfire they'd built.

"Two minutes," Alice called, voice tight with fear.

"Try and stand," Edward instructed me. He set me down on my feet but kept one iron arm around my torso to steady me. To Carlisle, he directed the question, "Where's Esmé?"

"We're going to tell them that she stayed at the house to guard it. She has your new sister with her; if the Volturi discover the newborn they'll destroy her. With all the smoke, hopefully they won't catch Esmé's scent or the werewolves'."

New sister? I almost was able to drum up the curiosity to ask, but not quite.

"Her name is Bree," Edward murmured into my ear. "She's young, and she's the reason Jacob and I made it to you in time. She notices things she shouldn't, just like you." I would have smiled if my lips could form the shape; he knew all about my need for information, for all that he'd ignored it when we were together.

"They're here," Alice called in a hollow whisper. The Cullens drifted into formation, a V with Carlisle at the point and me semi-hidden in the back, still tucked under Edward's arm. They all froze a few seconds before my weaker human eyes saw something even more terrifying than Victoria.

Out of the woods, Jane, Felix, and a few other Volturi guards glided into the meadow. I squeezed my eyes shut and turned my face into Edward's chest, praying that Carlisle and he would be able to spin this encounter in the right direction. Otherwise, all of the energy they'd expended to keep me alive might have been wasted effort.

Jane came to a stop just past the bonfire, surveying the scene with her usual cold expression. Her eyes rested on me for a brief moment, and then she turned her attention to Carlisle. "Carlisle Cullen."

"Jane," he replied, and bowed. I stared; he made it look completely graceful and appropriate, even with the modern clothes.  
She permitted one corner of her mouth to pull upward, ever so slightly. "Courtly. I do miss the days of formal manners." She returned her attention to the fire. "What a mess. You have been busy, have you not?"

"A nomad with a vendetta against one of our family," Carlisle explained. "She thought to create a newborn army; apparently she traveled south to learn about their strategies before returning to our area. Fortunately, Jasper here has a great deal of experience in dealing with such matters."

"Ah, yes. The major," she said, turning that burgundy gaze in his direction. "You seem to have an uncanny knack for avoiding finality, sir. It's fortunate for your current coven that you left the South when you did."

Jasper said nothing, just bowed his head in acknowledgement.

"It's odd that the Volturi had no idea that any of this was occurring," Edward said. Felix shifted his weight in his direction. "I would have thought the carnage in Seattle would have caught your attention long before today."

"I find it _odd_ that you presume to understand the methods of the Volturi, mind reader," Jane snapped. "Our concerns and priorities are not yours."

Edward nodded, as if receiving some sort of confirmation. "That much is true."

"Where is your lovely mate, Carlisle?" Jane inquired idly. Nothing on her face moved but her lips. "I suppose I'd better pay my respects."

"She remained at our house, to guard the property," Carlisle said. "I'd be happy to take you there, if you would prefer."

"That won't be necessary. She's quite dull, really, not worth the trip." Jane looked at me. I wanted to hide, but I knew it would be a mistake, so instead I met her gaze as directly as I could while trying not to look overly confident—the last part was easy enough. "I see you still cling to the human, Edward."

"She is one of us," Edward said tightly.

"In a manner of speaking," Jane agreed. She moved closer; the Cullens reluctantly parted before her sinuous steps. "But then, how can she truly be one of us while she remains in such a fragile state? I smell… injuries."

"The nomad," Edward explained, holding me closely. I tried not to wince; I would have more bruising on top of the breaking. "She directed her animosity toward Bella."

"What a tempest you stir, merely with your presence," Jane mused to me. I concentrated on keeping my breathing even, with minimal success. "You are quite a troublesome little beast." She narrowed her eyes, still staring into mine.

Edward went still beside me. "Jane," he said evenly after a moment. "May I ask you to refrain from trying to torture Bella?"

"Certainly you may _ask_ ," she replied with a quiet chuckle. "You should really turn that one, Carlisle. She is a distraction in her current form. Aro is most anxious to behold the vampire she'll become."

"The date is set," Alice spoke up. Her eyes were wide with terror, but she continued, "I showed Aro. It will happen. He saw it."

"Yes," Jane sighed. "I suppose he did." The same cruel smile that Victoria had shown me flirted around her little bow mouth. "But I've learned a little about your gift between then and now, clairvoyant."

Jane tilted her neatly coiffed head, and all hell broke loose.

The Cullens clutched their heads between their hands as one and _screamed_ , collapsing on their knees. I was the only one left standing besides the Volturi.

The supersonic levels of their voices, combined with the volume, were too much for my fragile mundane ears. I felt a new, blinding pain inside my head on either side. Suddenly, I couldn't hear anything but ringing. A trickle of liquid seeped out of each of my ears, down my jaw. Jane stepped even closer; although she'd been barely pubescent at the time of her turning, we were close to the same height. She lifted one finger and swiped at the wetness trailing down my throat. It came away bloody.

Meeting my eyes again, she allowed her smile to widen. _So sweet,_ she said, although I still heard nothing, and cleaned her finger with a swipe of her tongue. The guards drifted closer, eyes fixed upon my neck. Jane held up her hand. _No, it's time for us to leave._ She looked at me and lifted my broken hand from under the blanket. I grimaced with the pain as she mused, _Pathetic weak flesh. Let me come to your aid, human.  
_  
She turned my hand, tracing the scar James had left. _Clumsy.  
_

My hand returned to my side, although I hadn't felt or seen it move, and then she was gone.

The Cullens climbed to their feet, warily looking around the meadow. All of the Volturi had vanished; we were alone again. Next to the heavy throb of my broken bones and the excruciating sting of my ruptured eardrums, the burning in my thumb seemed inconsequential. At first.

I rotated my hand, looking for the source of the pain.

When I found it, I fell to my knees—they were suddenly too weak to hold me. _Edward,_ I said, feeling the vibration in my throat although I couldn't hear myself. _Alice._

They turned. Their eyes widened with horror as I lifted my hand. Fire surged up my palm and into my wrist with the movement. I stared as the edges of my vision went black.  


The pad of my thumb oozed a single drop of blood from a tiny puncture wound: the hole left by Jane's incisor.


	30. Endgame

There was no sight, just burning.

There was no sound except for the ringing.

Eventually, though, the ringing faded, the burning cooled to a pitch-black lake of ice, and the voices began.

"It's been an entire _week,_ Carlisle—"

"I realize that, son. These things can't be rushed. If she's not ready, she's not ready. The mental trauma alone would have been enough to keep her in this state."

"I've never resented my inability to read her thoughts more."

"I must confess I share your frustration. It would be helpful to understand what's going on in there, wouldn't it?"

"Yes."

A repetitive beeping overlaid their words.

"Has Eleazar arrived?"

"He called from SeaTac. He got a rental pretty quickly; he expects to be here soon."

"Perhaps he can help us understand _why._ "

"That would be a relief to my curiosity, but it doesn't aid us in our current dilemma."

Someone's nose was cold. Someone wanted to tell the voices to take care of that, but it was too much effort.

"What does Alice say?"

"There's been no change. Bella must make a decision, and so far she hasn't."

"The fingers healed remarkably fast."

"Yes. Good to know we're useful for something other than murdering sentient beings."

A sigh. "Yes."

A brush of ice on someone's cheek. "Bella, love. We're all waiting for you."

Silence for a while, then, "Bells? It's your father. I just wanted to… stop by and see you." Pause. "Carlisle says I'm supposed to keep on talking because we don't know how much you can understand, but I don't really know what to say. I sure do miss you, Bells. The house is too quiet without you, and… Hey, you need to come out of this, because, um, I'm not eating right, and I know how much you worry when I get too much take-out from the diner." Wooden creaking. "I'm just gonna sit here for a while, okay? They've got you in one of their spare bedrooms. The Cullens, I mean. They didn't want to leave you at the hospital, something about a rare complication that only Carlisle had experience with treating. I don't know where they got all this medical equipment from. They're richer than God, I know that much. Good thing that didn't matter to you or poor Jake would never have had a chance, huh?" Someone's hand was enfolded in warmth. A broken whisper. "Come back, baby. Just… Come back."

For an instant, worry and guilt, but the weariness overwhelmed them.

More silence.

"Bella?" Familiar bell-like tones, playfully scolding. "I hope you realize how frustrating you're being right now. It really isn't fair, you know. We're all really worried and here you are, comfy on your hospital bed in our home, not moving a bit. It's getting old, Bella. You need to come back before another day goes by, because if you don't, I swear, I will buy an _entire closet_ of designer gowns for you and make you wear every. Single. One. In public! I'll make you work in miniskirts and hike in cocktail dresses! And I'll tell everyone that you chose them! I know that's a fate worse than death for you, so you'd better open those pretty brown eyes."

More silence.

"Bella." A low-pitched and sensual female voice. "I know what it's like to be tested beyond the boundaries of a human body's endurance. I know what it's like to feel that you simply can't bear any more agony. You're very courageous, Bella. I know you haven't reached the limit of that courage yet. Please, for my brother's sake, I'm asking you to come back to us."

"That's right, Baby Bell. You come on back or you know he'll just get more pussified."

"Emmett."

"What? It's true."

More silence.

"Jasper, is there anything—"

"I can't persuade her that she's safe, Esmé. That's her mind's job, and we all know that I can't affect that. Especially hers, after what Eleazar said."

"I never would have expected such a thing."

"I'll admit it was something of a surprise to me, too. It explains the imprinting business, though."

"I hope Jacob can come soon."

"Head injuries are nothing to fool with, even with werewolves, Carlisle says. Damned newborns."

"It wasn't Bree's fault! I should have prepared her for—"

"You couldn't know."

"He _will_ be all right, won't he?"

"Carlisle says another day, at most. Apparently the brain tissue is a little bit more difficult to regenerate, and we don't know how him being in wolf form at the time of the injury affected the human recovery."

"I don't know if _she'll_ recover, without him by her side. They're too bonded."

"He'll come. And this time he'll call ahead so I can move Bree first."

"Definitely. And Jasper, you must admit, she _has_ done very well with having a human in the house. I'm so proud of her."

Grudgingly, "Yes. She's a sister."

More silence.

"Bella, I'm going to hold the phone to your ear now."

"Baby? It's your mom. I'm sorry I have to talk to you over Alice's phone this way. What is it with you and Phil hurting yourselves at the same time? I wish I could just split myself in two. Modern science has really failed me." A teary laugh. "Um, baby, listen, I know you must have been really scared when you toppled off of that cliff—rock climbing, really, Bella, what the hell were you thinking?—but you're safe now. You're completely safe and nothing bad will happen to you if you wake up. You need to wake up, all right?"

"Renée? No, no change yet. Yes, of course we'll call as soon as—Absolutely. No question. You'll be the first to know."

More silence.

The dark was safe. People who were in the dark should stay there and stay safe.

"Here she is."

"Jesus. Oh, God. Bells, honey. Man, look at her. You must have lost your mind when you saw that bite."

"There are no words."

Someone's hand was brushed by fire.

"It's so fucking cold."

"The change—"

"Yeah, I get it. Do you think she feels cold? I think her nose is cold."

"I can't tell; you know that."

"Right. Sorry." The rough voice turned throaty. "Oh, hell. She looks so _little_ — what can I do?"

"We've all been talking to her, but none of us shares the same bond with her that you do."

A husky laugh. "You realize how pissed off she's gonna be when she wakes up and hears about that? I think I'd better wear a helmet; I'm not a hundred percent healed yet. It's the only time I've ever heard her say—"

"I know. She doesn't usually use foul language. You'd better wear a helmet _and_ pads. Try talking to her."

"Bells. Bells, honey. Hey, Edward, would you mind leaving us alone?"

"Of course."

A door closing.

"Bells, it's me. Listen, honey, you've gotta come back, okay? Everybody's worried sick about you. You're the only collateral damage from the whole damn battle. Everybody else is fine. Seth's fine. I'm fine. I mean, there was that sneak attack that baby leech pulled over on me, but that was just because I was worried about you and didn't notice her coming till it was too late. Good thing my head's the hardest part of me. Still took almost a week to get better, though."

Silence.

"I think I know what's wrong with you… You're scared." A deep breath. "I get that. Those bloodsuckers are fucking insane. I was scared too. But they're gone, and everything's okay, I swear. None of them can reach you now."

More fire, tracing a line down someone's face and neck.

"Honey, you're so cold." Pause. "Okay, you know what? Fuck this. There's only one thing that ever makes you feel better when you're scared, and that's me. Brace yourself, Bells; I'm getting in there with you."

Someone was being pushed to the side. Someone was enfolded with warmth like a warm bath, covering from head to toes. Someone was…

Someone was _me._ I was getting warmer and warmer, like the sun slowly dawning over the frozen Arctic tundra, illuminating the chilled interior wasteland of my heart.

_No, it's not safe_

_I can't stand the thought_

_I won't go back_

"Baby." Warm breath wafting across my ear. "Honey. Bells. I love you so much. I'll never let anything or anyone hurt you again."

_You can still leave_

_You'll still leave_

"I'm yours, honey. I don't give a fuck if you stay in this bed until you're eighty, I'm gonna be right here with you the whole time. Well, most of it anyway. I know how mad you get if your bed gets messed up so I'll have to take shower breaks every once in a while."

I almost wanted to come back, but the way was too difficult, even with the sunshine showing the path I should take. Voices came and talked, but then they always left and there was silence again. I waited for the silence to begin.

Sigh. "Okay. I swore I wasn't going to tell you this, but… Bells, you are gonna be so pissed off when you wake up. Seriously. It's gonna be epic."

_Why would I be angry?_

"This vamp friend of the Cullens came down from Alaska. I guess he knows how to tell what sort of… supernatural gifts or whatever people are going to have if they get turned. And he says you're some sort of shield or something. He couldn't get a real good read, because you're still human, but he could tell enough. That's why Edward can't read your mind. You've got a mind like a steel trap, honey, in more ways than one.

"So after that, everyone starts telling me all this stuff. Like, the empath—Jasper—he can sense this emotional tie between us, and even if one of us is freaked out, the emotions from the other one can cancel it out and calm them down. That's why if you have a panic attack, and I'm there, it goes away when I touch you. And we've got a physical connection too; that's why it's so hard to sleep without each other now, and why our hearts beat at the same time.

"I guess—the way this stuff works is, each step you take becomes a step you can't take back. It starts—or it's supposed to start—with the telepathic connection to draw the two of you together, but then it builds into emotional and physical stuff. Like, we were fine sleeping apart until we slept together, but then once we did sleep together we couldn't go back to the way we used to be. But we didn't have a telepathic bond, because of this shield thingy of yours, so it took way longer for us. But that seems to be changing, too, because _my_ mind is getting harder and harder for Edward to read. He thinks you're protecting me without meaning to. I'm harder for the pack to read too, unless I _want_ them to hear. And we had that dream together so on some subconscious level… I don't know how it works.

"And then Edward says he can't figure out why it happened with me and not with Sam. And I asked him if maybe it's because I'm supposed to be Alpha. I don't think I ever told you that, did I? Some stupid bloodlines shit, but I guess I'm supposed to be the big dog. I didn't want it, though, because I didn't even want to be a damn werewolf, so why would I wanna be in charge of the whole thing? It was dumb. Sam can have it.

"Edward says that makes perfect sense. Because… Have you ever watched _The Dog Whisperer_? The Alpha is the only one who gets to leave without the other dogs freaking out. He has to be able to walk away. And my dad says it makes sense because imprinting's all supposed to keep the pack strong, and an Alpha who's always worrying about just one other person is a weaker leader, which I could tell wasn't Sam's favorite thing to hear. Plus, I shouldn't have been able to even go to your bedroom, that night I reminded you about the Cold Ones, let alone remind you of the story. Sam had ordered me not to leave the rez, and not to talk to you about anything, but he couldn't keep me away from you. So I guess that explains it. I guess it explains everything. And _that's_ why you're gonna be pissed, because… Bells, honey, do you understand what I'm telling you?" Another soft chuckle. "We're _imprinted._ You're my imprint. You never have to worry about it again, because… you're it."

A flash of pure light sparked in the center of my body and spread out like a supernova, pushing all the cold and fear away with the force of its expansion, shoving it through the boundaries of my skin and preventing its return. I gasped. My eyelids fluttered, and then opened.

The first thing I saw was Jacob's face, peering down at me. He was sprawled on top of my body, arms around me, eyes level with my own.

"Hey, honey," he whispered.

I tried to speak, but my mouth was too dry and I just coughed. He reached to a bedside table and got a cup of water with a bendy straw, then directed the straw into my mouth. "Here you go."

I swallowed, grimaced at the pain, and tried to speak again, only to discover that I couldn't move my jaw. It was wired closed.

"Jacob Black," I said slowly and carefully, narrowing my eyes in fury, "What the _fuck_ did you just say to me?"

He burst into laughter and kissed me, coma-breath and all, but then he pulled away too soon and sighed. "Oh, man. Here it comes."

"Don't call me 'it,' Jacob!" Alice exclaimed, bursting through the door with her cell phone lit up in her hand. "Bella! I just saw you coming around about a minute ago, and I promised your mother I'd call her first thing. Talk to her now, she's been worried _sick_. We all have."

"You can't get sick," I grumbled, lifting the arm that didn't have an IV needle and cast so I could take the phone.

I screamed as soon as I saw it.

"Oh, my word! I completely—Renée, can I call you back? She's fine, she just moved too fast." She snapped the phone closed and turned a wide-eyed guilty face toward me. "Bella—"

"What-the-fuck-Alice-what-the- _fuck?_!" I screeched in a panicked rush between my teeth, turning my hand back and forth. It was too pale, vampire pale, almost up to my elbow. If there had been sunshine coming through the windows it would have been sparkling, I just knew it. "Jacob! Please tell me I'm not—"

"Honey, do you think I could be this close to you without either of us noticing if you were? Do you think you'd still be so hurt?" he soothed, smoothing my hair back from my face. I noted with surprise that he was fully dressed—me being catatonic must have counted as a special occasion. "How could you even have an IV? It's just scarring—leftovers from the venom."

"Bella!" Carlisle stepped into the room, a wide smile brightening his classically handsome features. "It's so good to see you awake."

"My hand," I moaned, lifting it to show him.

"I know," he said, coming to take it in his own hands. For the first time ever, I didn't shiver at a vampire's touch—he felt _normal_. "I can assure you, it's limited and external for the most part. Jane is a very old vampire; the older we get, the more potent our venom becomes, as an added offensive tactic since we tend to become less mobile. Edward sucked the poisoned blood from your veins, just as he did with James's bite, but in this case, it had spread and begun the transformation. Fortunately, the first step of turning is the hardening of the epidermis, which then allows the skin to act as a cocoon, protecting the body during the rest of the process. It did heal your fingers without changing the bone, so there was some good accomplished—but Edward had to take quite a bit of blood. You needed a transfusion." He traced a jagged line just underneath the bend of my elbow. "You can see here where the venom reached; I must say, the join between vampire and human skin is practically seamless. It's a good thing you're naturally fair. If you were darker complexioned like our friend Jacob here, it would be far more noticeable."

"If it were me, I'd be dead," he interjected.

"True," Carlisle said with a quick smile in his direction.

"Do I _stink_ to you now?" I demanded of Jacob, my eyes gone wide with horror at the thought.

"Nah," he said, still with that unnatural calm. Then again, he'd had weeks to get used to this concept. "It doesn't smell the same, but it doesn't smell rotten-bleach-y either, probably because you're still alive underneath it. It's kind of like… the way burn scars feel different from unscarred skin. It's different, but it's still your skin, right? Just it used to be hurt and this was the best it could do to heal itself."

"I'm not all the way human anymore," I whispered, dividing my gaze between Jacob and my arm.

"Honey, this is what happens when you hang with people who aren't human," he said gently, kissing my cheek. "This is why we all warned you, over and over. It's dangerous to mess around with things that are more powerful than you. Sometimes you end up… not quite human yourself."

My eyes filled with tears. I knew he was talking about himself.

Carlisle started talking, explaining something about "extra chromosomes" and "vampire/human fusion" and "blood vessels maintaining" whatever, but I had tuned out. I rotated my hand, examining its movement and appearance. It seemed to work well. After a second, I started giggling hysterically, cutting off the scientific information stream.

"Bells?" Jacob asked. He still hadn't moved from his position on top of me, but I was beyond caring. "Are you—okay?"

"I have a—" I started laughing even harder, heedless of the pain it caused, and then managed to wheeze out, "I have a _Luke Skywalker_ hand. I'm a cyborg vampire mutant. Next thing you know Jane is going to show up, all, 'Belllllllaaaaa. I am your moooootherrrrrr.'"

Jacob started chuckling, leaning his forehead against mine. Soon Alice and Carlisle joined in the laughter. Probably I should have been way more freaked out, but then again, there were likely all sorts of awesome things in that IV drip.

"What's so funny?" Edward demanded from the doorway. Emmett, Rosalie, and Esmé all crowded behind him, vying for a clear view of my bed. "Is she all right? Does she need a sedative, Carlisle?"

"No, she doesn't need a sedative," I shot back, still rotating my wrist back and forth. "People are going to think I have the best body lotion _ever_. This is so weird. I wonder if I can, like, crush bad guys' throats or do something superheroic with it."

"You might be able to use it for a cutting board. No more ER trips for a bagel slicing wound," Jacob suggested. The rest of the Cullens filed into the room, surveying me with happy satisfaction.

"It's a little bit heavier," I noted, lifting it up and down. "Good thing most of the effect is on the outside or else I'd be dragging my knuckles on the ground like a gorilla."

Alice hit a couple buttons on her phone and handed it to me. "Here, talk to your mother. No! The other hand. Phew, for a second there I saw you splitting my phone into bits. All right, you can't bend that arm enough... I'll just hold the phone for you."

I talked to Renée. I talked to Charlie, who immediately left the station to come visit me. I talked to Billy at Jacob's insistence. I talked to Angela, who had called every day for a status update. At some point, Rosalie brought in a nutritional shake—chocolate flavor—and insisted I drink it in between conversations. At the end of the hour, I was completely exhausted. Carlisle banned everyone but Jacob and Charlie from the room. Charlie couldn't decide whether to smile at me or glare at Jacob, who was completely nonchalant about remaining next to me in the bed—although at least he'd climbed off me at some point. Finally, though, my father had to head back to work, and it was just the two of us again.

"Oh, honey," Jacob said, the instant the door closed behind Charlie. He carefully held my face between his hands and kissed it everywhere he could reach. "You had us so damn scared. I'm never letting you out of my sight again. If I weren't a werewolf this would've taken ten years off my life."

"You shouldn't ever let me out of your sight again," I agreed, drawing his head against mine with my normal hand. "And I'm definitely not letting you out of mine."

He pulled away to show his face screwed up in apprehension. "How pissed off are you about the imprinting?"

I stayed silent for a long time, mulling it over, but he didn't push me. At last, I said, "I don't know. I mean, I still hate the concept of it. But, with us, you weren't forced to do anything. I mean, sure, once we moved one way we couldn't go back, but nothing made us take those steps in the first place. And… I don't know. If you hadn't been so pushy, I'm just not sure I would have gotten over Edward as soon as I did. Maybe not ever. Maybe you on your own wouldn't have been enough to keep me away from him. So, in a way—and believe me, I totally hate admitting this—I might actually owe imprinting a debt of gratitude and that's pissing me off to think about so, tell me. What happened with Bree?"

"I couldn't come visit you while you were at the hospital—they moved you to Port Angeles, you know. Everyone on the rez was completely freaked out about the newborns, and Sam was worried about stragglers, so the entire pack had to stay on our turf. You were there for a whole week, so of course I felt like I was going insane, even though Alice kept calling with updates. Once you were here, though, I finally got permission to come over. I was in my wolf form, and once I crossed the boundary onto Cullen property, she just dropped down out of a tree straight on me. It wasn't really her fault; she didn't know I was here as a friend. She really managed to fuck me up before Esmé pulled her off of me, though."

"How bad _was_ your head?"

"Bad enough that my dad threw up when he saw it," Jacob said with a grin.

"That's not funny!" I rebuked him with a pained frown. "Your dad's no wimp; it must have been really awful."

"It was pretty rugged," he admitted. "I'm fine now, though."

I yawned between my teeth, wincing at the strain it put on my jaws. "Could you do me a favor? I bet they don't have mouthwash. Would you ask them to get some? I seriously cannot stand the way my mouth feels right now."

"I don't know," Jacob whispered, putting his lips gently over mine. "It feels pretty good to me." He worked his way down, feather-light kisses trailing across my neck and collarbone, and then rested his head over my heart, listening to it beat.

I sighed with contentment and ran my fingers through his hair. "On second thought, I might just go back to sleep again, so don't bother."

"I'll tell them so you can have it ready for when you wake up again." He carefully readjusted the bed, angling the head down and re-arranging the IV tube and pulse monitor so I couldn't accidentally tug on them when I rolled over. When that was done, he put one arm around my waist and pulled me against him, spooning my back to his front. "Get some more rest so you can get better."

"I'll get better," I promised, draping my cold, strange arm over his. The contact burned. He shivered, but held me tighter. "I've got you here now. You make me better, always."

I was almost asleep when he said drowsily, "Bells?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"You don't mind if I start calling you 'Blade,' do you? 'Cause that's the only other vampire-human hybrid I can think of, and you really, really need a superhero nickname now."

I snorted with laughter. "Nah. It sounds pretty badass. I'll take it."

The last thing I felt before my eyes closed were his lips, pressed to the top of my head in a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I owe the body lotion comment to[](http://cleolinda.livejournal.com/profile) **[cleolinda](http://cleolinda.livejournal.com/)'s** [Twilight in Fifteen Minutes](http://community.livejournal.com/m15m/19551.html).**
> 
> **Mrstrentreznor's story["What Was He Thinking"](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6096757/1/) was the first story I ran into with the notion that the Alpha shouldn't imprint because it weakens his leadership, but I've watched enough of Cesar Milan's stuff to understand the concept. :-)**


	31. Epilogue

>

The October sunlight that made it through the tree cover every few seconds hit Bella's arm where it lay across her stomach, making the inside of our piece of shit Lumina (decent for a rental, though) turn into a real rainbow-fest. She shifted in her sleep, muttering a little; I put my hand on her head just like I would've for Claire and shushed her, keeping one eye on the road. Just like Claire, she settled instantly. I grinned when I thought about what she would have to say if I told her she reminded me of a toddler. I'd have to try it as soon as she woke up.

My cell buzzed on the dash; I'd put it on silent when she fell asleep, again. She still wasn't all the way better, even though she could eat and move her arm with hardly any problems. The emotional price she had to pay for the fight with Victoria made her sleepy a lot, and whenever we were together—which was as much as two teenagers who had to live in separate places could manage—it was a pretty safe bet that she would conk out within minutes. Or whenever we were done banging each other's brains out, whichever came first. And, ha. Not to mention, there was probably some relief in not having any major life decisions to make any time soon.

I rolled my eyes when I saw the caller i.d. and hit "accept." "What is it, Crossing Over?"

Alice sighed. "Jacob. I looked it up. That show was canceled ages ago."

"Yeah, well, so were you." She chuckled, and I couldn't keep from smiling at the sound. Alice was actually… kind of fun. Okay, she reeked and she was bossy and she couldn't stand the way I smelled either, and didn't mind mentioning the fact, plus she kept on buying all sorts of expensive shit for Bella that I could never hope to match, but she sort of reminded me of my sisters. Besides, she really, really loved Bella, and anybody who loved Bella was on my side as far as I was concerned.

Well, almost anybody.

"I'm guessing you're in Tennessee?" she asked. "Of course, I have to use MapQuest to estimate instead of actually _seeing_ you two."

"Yeah, I'm real sorry about that," I replied sarcastically. "We just left Nashville. And it was a bitch; the traffic there is _insane_ but that's just because the drivers are certifiable."

"I'm sure you were fine; werewolf reflexes are _almost_ as good as ours," she said, needling a little.

I sighed again. "Did you just call for a mile marker update, or did you actually have something to say?"

"I got your hotel room for tonight." Before I could say anything, she added in a rush, "Don't be mad. I didn't do it just for Bella. It's for both of you. Trust me; you'll be thanking me later." Pause. "At least, I'm almost positive you will be." Pause. "Maybe."

I almost told her to cancel it, but then Bella shifted again and her eyebrows went down in a little frown. She still wasn't totally comfortable at night, especially if she rolled over onto her barely-healed arm by accident, and I knew that a steady stream of Super 8s and La Quintas hadn't helped with that. "Fine. Whatever. What's it called? Where is it?"

"It's in Chattanooga—you're going through there, right? It said it was on the most direct route—"

"Yeah, we'll be there in an hour and a half."

"Oh good. And it's called The Chattanoogan." I started laughing. "I _know_. But it's really nice, barring the name. The address is 1201 Broad Street, and it's under Bella's name. You guys have the suite."

"1201 Broad Street. Got it. Am I supposed to say thank you now?"

She laughed again. "You can wait until tomorrow. I'll understand." She hung up without saying goodbye.

"What's so funny?" Bella asked hoarsely from her chair. Her face was flushed with sleep and her hair was matted to one side  
.  
I grinned at her. Damn, she was cute. "Oh, hey Bells!" I didn't think I'd ever get over how awesome it was to have Bella Swan waking up next to me. "Here, do me a favor." I handed her my phone. "Type in 1201 Broad Street in Chattanooga in the navigation system."

She did it, giving a dubious glance overhead. "The satellite signal doesn't work as well when there are mountains."

"That's okay; if it doesn't work we can just ask for directions when we get there. And these things are, like, barely mountains. Back home we'd call them foothills."

"Yeah, that's true. Is Chattanooga with one 'g' or two?"

"See if it auto-fills the field."

"Oh, yeah, that did it for me. So why do we need directions there?"

"That's the hotel for tonight."

She yawned and ran her fingers through her hair. "We'll be stopping pretty early; it's only four."

"That's okay. You don't need to be sleeping in the car anymore, and it's not like we're in a hurry since we don't have to meet your mom." I reached to caress her face. "You can take it easy, honey. There's no schedule here, right? Just, 'make it to Jacksonville sometime.'"

"Well, I have to start my new job in November," she said, with a little smile teasing the corners of her mouth as she leaned into my hand.

"Okay; we'll make sure to get back within a month," I laughed.

She twisted to rifle around in the pile on the floor in the backseat. "Which is about when this beef jerky will run out. I can't believe you bought this much. Which do you want, regular or teriyaki?" She didn't bother asking if I was hungry; the answer to that question was a given.

"Teriyaki."

By the time we'd run through two packs and played the alphabet game all the way to "z" three times, I was pulling up in the driveway of the hotel, which was hella huge.

"Um. Jacob? I think we took a wrong turn, there was a Motel 6 a few miles back—"

"Yeah." I blew out yet another sigh—dealing with Alice tried my patience as much as dealing with my sisters, that much was the same—craning my neck to look up at the arched overhangs and then forward to all the Mercedes and BMWs in the valet line. "This is where we're staying tonight."

She giggled, still not getting it, until I turned my face in her direction and she stopped, and then rolled her eyes. "Alice."

"Yup."

"Crap. I hope I have enough bills for tips." She started digging around in her purse. I popped the trunk and grabbed our bags.

Once we walked into our room, I made a mental note. _Thank Alice._ The place had more square footage than our house on the rez. I kicked off my flip-flops and looked around.

"Oh my God!" Bella dropped her suitcase and ran to the window. "Look at this view!"

"Look at this TV!" I exulted, picking up the remote and turning it on.

"Jacob!" She turned and glared.

I started and clicked it off again. "Sorry, sorry. Yeah, wow, look at that view. It's a mountain. It's, um, fall-ish."

"You have to admit the colors are way better here. I've never seen autumn leaves like this before except in pictures." She plastered herself to the window, acting like she'd also never seen trees before. Or traffic, which was backed up on the street in front of the hotel grounds.

I picked up the amenities folder and flipped through it. "Hey, indoor pool! We should go."

She sent me a glance over her shoulder, and all my blood shot straight to my groin when I saw the gleam in her eye. "You just like to get me wet any chance you have," she teased, all low-pitched and croony. (I hadn't told her I called that tone her Sexy!Voice in my head. Yet. It was the sort of confession that needed the right timing.) Who knew quiet, thoughtful Bella Swan would turn out to love sex as much as I did? Well, nearly as much. She couldn't beat a sixteen-year-old werewolf guy in that category.

"Well, yeah, honey, that's pretty much—" I stopped because she had turned around and was leaning back against the window, undoing her shirt buttons with one hand while slipping the thumb of the other underneath the waistband of her jeans and pulling down a little. _Fuck, yeah._ Another werewolf perk: I could _smell_ how turned on she got, and she got turned on around me a _lot_ , which was a fantastic ego booster along with being the best kind of distraction. "My mission in life," I managed to finish, but it came out strangled.

"Mission accomplished," she answered, shrugging out of her shirt and oh my God how much did I love that she didn't bother to wear a bra anymore when she knew it was just going to be the two of us? "Why are you still standing there?"

"The curtains are open," I pointed out, ripping off my shirt and stepping out of my shorts. Now if she _wanted_ me to do her against the window…

But no. "Oh. Right." She sauntered away from the glass and sat on the edge of the bed, then lay back with her feet still on the floor, still messing with her jeans button. "God, this bed is _really_ nice."

Okay, enough teasing. It had been… I did some quick calculating… nearly nine hours since the last time we'd done it. That was _forever._ I yanked her jeans down—she gasped—picked her up, tossing her onto the middle of the mattress—she shrieked—and threw myself on top of her, kissing her lips first because it seemed rude not to at least visit them once—she stuck her tongue in my mouth and raked her fingernails down my back.

The fingernails of one hand, that is.

She was still really self-conscious about the scarred hand—that was what we called it, when we talked about it, which I tried not to do because she ended up walking around with it pressed against her back for hours afterward every time it came up. If she hadn't been so embarrassed about it, I could have told her about the dozen or so nicknames the guys and Leah had come up with for the effect, but I was afraid she'd never set foot on the rez again if she knew, so I kept it to myself even though sometimes it was _really_ damn hard.

I decided to let it go for the moment, and flopped down on my back, which was now her favorite position. She shook her head when I tried to pull her over me, though, and said, "No. I want, um, like that one time? In the garage?"

"Which one time?" I asked, trying not to laugh as she turned pinker. "There've been a lot of one times, honey." Yeah, she loved sex, but she was still adorably shy about asking for what she wanted.

"You… behind me," she said in a quick, squeaky rush. "Please?"

"Right." I reached and flipped her onto her stomach, then pulled her up on all fours. She gasped again and giggled as I knelt behind her. I reached around her front and palmed the breast closest to my hand—although, really, given how little she was and how big my hands were, I might've been able to get them both at once, I'd have to try sometime—and guided my cock into her with my other hand. She shuddered; we both groaned. Every single time we did this it felt _right_ , like coming home after being away for years. I bent over her back, rested my forehead on her shoulder and tried to breathe a little more evenly; I had to do right by my girl, which was really difficult when my mind only wanted to think _warm wet tight holy fucking shit soooo good._

"What're you _waiting_ for?" she whimpered, and I laughed a little.

"You." I started moving inside her and she made that soft "ooooohhh" sound that made me want to come then and there, so I moved my hands down her front until I got to the slick folds between her legs and rubbed in the right spot. I focused on staying as calm as possible, given the circumstances; I had to be careful, careful, careful _(way too fucking careful,_ the wolf inside me snarled). Ever since the morning after the night she'd gotten drunk and kissed me, I'd realized that, like it or not, the animal I shared my body with wanted to mark her as his own.

"Oh God," she moaned. "Oh _God_ … Yes, Jake… I love the way you feel…"

Yeah, that feeling was completely mutual. I picked up the pace a little; when she dug her fingers into the sheets, grabbing handfuls to keep her balance, I had to squeeze my eyes shut to keep from turning into a one-minute man. It didn't help much, though. Luckily, Bella had a hair trigger on the orgasm front, probably because of the imprint, which was the one part of that business neither of us wanted to complain about. In just a couple of minutes her internal walls spasmed around me and she yelled my name—she was really loud when she knew no one she cared about hearing was around—and I could finally let go and pound into her the way I wanted, the way the wolf especially wanted no matter how hard I tried to deny it to myself, but she liked it that way too, and everything in my head was _Bella Bella Bella_ and I realized that was what I was saying, too, as I pushed as far as I could go and exploded inside her.

We collapsed on the bed facedown next to each other, panting and gasping. After a second, I could wheeze out, "Holy shit. I think the top of my head just blew off."

"Is that a double entendre?" she wanted to know. Her voice was muffled by the mattress; I could tell by the way her shoulders had gone limp that she was halfway asleep already.

"I think it might be," I said, running my fingers up and down her backbone. "Hold on." I padded to the bathroom and grabbed a hand towel, and then brought it back to clean us both up. When that was done, I lay on my back and pulled her closer. She flinched and cringed away, tucking the arm closest to me under her stomach. Oh, right. The scar thing. "Hey. Why are you hiding this from me?" I asked, gently tugging at it. "I know it's here. You're not fooling me."

My teasing didn't get any laughter from her. I quit smiling.

"Bells?" She still didn't respond. I pushed her shoulder. "Hey, honey. Tell me what's wrong."

She started speaking and stopped about half a dozen times. Finally, she mumbled, "I have a piece of me that's your mortal enemy. I hate that." She turned her head and looked up at me.

"Oh." I thought about it. "Okay. I get that. But honestly, honey, it's kind of what I bargained on."

She rolled onto her side and propped her head up with one hand. "What do you mean? There's no way you thought that someday I'd be _part_ vampire."

"Just… I knew that if you ever _did_ choose me, you would still have a part of your heart that didn't belong to me. Part of you is always going to be his, right?"

She frowned. "No. I don't choose to give him any part of me."

I traced the fingers of her scarred hand with my own. "Sometimes it chooses you. I think we both can understand that. This?" I tapped the back of her wrist. "Just more of the same. It's what I counted on. It's what I expected. I'm fine with it. You're ninety-nine percent mine because you want to be, right?" She nodded, brown eyes big and soft. _God_ I loved her. "Then that's okay. I can deal with one percent." _Mine_ , the wolf growled, but I fought it down. I was human first, and that son of a bitch didn't get to make her upset.

"You're so cool," she said, raking her fingers through my hair with a smile. "I can't believe you're mine."

"I can't believe you're mine, either," I said, leaning to kiss her.

When I pulled back, she was frowning again, a little. "I just wish it wasn't a part of my body I use so much. It feels wrong to have it be so obvious to people who know, without anything that says, 'hey, I'm a wolf girl too.'"

"At least she didn't bite your boob or your ass or something," I joked. "Now _that_ would be upsetting." She gave me an _oh, please_ look. "Actually, I might have something that'll help." At least, I hoped so. I hoped it wouldn't be too… whatever. "It's your graduation present."

"I kind of thought you sleeping with me was my present. That and saving my life," she teased, and I felt some of the tension drain out of me. When she was upset, it affected my body almost as much as hers.

"Nah, those were presents for me." I jumped up and started going through my duffle bag. When I found the little bag, I presented it with a flourish, which probably looked pretty funny considering I was still stark naked. "Here. Good job on finishing school even though you had a bunch of crazy magical shit going on. You rock."

Bella sat up, cross-legged, which was going to make me ready for round two really damn fast, and gently tugged on the drawstrings of the bag. She was still figuring out the amount of force to put behind everyday tasks with the new hand. Finally, she pulled out the silver bracelet and cooed, "Oooh. Oh, _Jake._ "

Her whole face had lit up, so I figured she liked it. She brought the tiny carved wolf to her eye level. "It's amazing. Did you make this?"

"Yeah, of course." I reached to take it from her; when she handed it over, I clasped it around the scarred arm. "There. Now you're a wolf girl all around."

She shook it on her wrist and smiled. "This makes me feel so much better."

I sat down next to her. "Yeah, it's not a four-star hotel room or anything, but…"

I was just joking—well, mostly—but she frowned again. "So?"

Shit. She wasn't going to let it drop; I could tell by the angle of her chin. "You know. You could have had four-star hotels every night if you'd wanted. You could have bought yourself a goddamn Mercedes for graduation. You could've…"

"Jake," she interrupted, crawling into my lap. I wrapped my arms around her and rearranged her legs to make sure my balls didn't get crushed accidentally. "I know all that. I also know what I can't live without, and that's you. You're my addiction, Wolfboy, remember? I'll take road trips, beef jerky, and hand carved wolf charms over first class tickets, gourmet dinners, and diamonds any day if it means I can take you, too. You're worth way more than any of that other stuff. Plus, I prefer the simpler things. They're more my speed, as long as I've got you."

"You've got me." I kissed her; she made her happy _mm_ noise and wrapped her arms around my neck.

There was a knock at the door. Bella pulled away, looking confused. "Somebody must have the wrong room." She grabbed her ratty terrycloth bathrobe out of her bag—I'd given her so much shit for owning that thing that it was a miracle she hadn't wrapped it around my neck to strangle me with it—and covered herself, then cracked open the door a little. "Hi?"

"We're here for the couples treatment?" a voice on the other side of the door. I didn't know what that was about, but I figured I'd better put on my shorts at least.

Bella opened the door a little wider, and started giggling. "Okay, here's the thing," she said to the white-smocked lady standing on the other side of the door. "I'm okay with this, although I'm guessing it was ordered by a friend of ours. But if you want it to be a couples thing, you're going to have to do something difficult. Maybe even a little dangerous."

"What's that, sweetheart?" the lady asked with a smile.

"You're going to have to explain what you do with that avocado mask…" Bella stepped back, waving to me. "To _him._ "

The smock-lady's eyes widened as she caught sight of me. That was normal, even though I still wasn't used to it. Bella still chuckled next to the door, and I shot her a dirty look, but there was no real force behind it, because it had occurred to me that this was going to be the way things were, for the rest of our lives. Interfering, well-meaning (and not-so-well-meaning) vampires, people's stares, the balancing act between the wolf-me and the human-me, road trips, tons of things out of my control, and Bella, laughing in the middle of everything because she was so happy just to be with _me_.

Her laughter faded as I kept on looking at her, and her eyes softened. "Jake? Do you want this?"

I grinned at her and answered without thinking twice. "Yeah. This is what I want."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. :-)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Better Now Outtakes and Deleted Scenes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/703739) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account)




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